Guardian columnist

Be prepared: Heat magazine's video interview with David Cameron is nigh — What is David Cameron's spirit animal? Tomorrow, thanks to Heat magazine, Britain will have the answer. The prime minister has filmed an interview with editor-in-chief Lucie Cave, with the trailer for the event already viewable on the publication's website. Arguably less anticipated than the Star Wars teaser, it is nonetheless a masterclass in post-imperial bathos.

Out with policies, in with pedal bins: kitchenology will decide the election — Politicians: if you can't stand talking about the kitchen, maybe get out of the kitchen? We'll never know the precise chain of events that led to Ed Miliband and his wife being pictured in the second kitchen of their north London house as opposed to the first - but frankly, who needs to?

The Jeremy Clarkson crisis: how David Cameron was overtaken by events — Why did it take more than a day from the news of Jeremy Clarkson's suspension for the prime minister to break his silence on it? Peter Morgan, screenwriter of The Queen, is already said to be working on a dramatisation of those 26 hours.

England cricket machine stalls amid talk of damned goodbyes and statistics — A few years ago, a delivery driver from Doncaster almost drove his car off a cliff. His BMW was left teetering on the edge of a 100ft precipice in Yorkshire after he had followed his satnav's instructions, despite increasing indications that he had ceded a shade too much control to the gadget.

Gold-plated failure gives England no escape from the boo-boys — Absorb enough tabloidese and eventually it owns your neurons. A friend recently recalled a conversation he'd once had with a former Republic of Ireland international about an awkward spell at one club. Without a shred of sarcasm, the player had reflected: "I suppose I became a target for the boo-boys."

Thanks, Harrison Ford, for not letting real life get in the way of the movies — All the great movie stars play a version of themselves. The genius of the studio system was to establish what that essential persona was, then have the star produce it again and again. It may not be what the actor wants, but it is certainly what the public wants. Selfish beasts.

Is the world ready for Justin Bieber 2.0? — I once watched José Mourinho's Chelsea win something called the World Series of Soccer at LA's Home Depot Center. A member of the American sports press asked the manager whether the achievement meant as much to him as the Champions League. He smiled insolently. "Of course."

Kevin Pietersen and the Thatcher parallel: the batsman’s not for returning — For almost 30 years, the passport of ex-King Constantine of Greece did not admit of a surname. It billed him simply as "Constantine, former king of the Hellenes". I wonder if Kevin Pietersen might consider amending his British one so it reads simply: "Kevin, exiled England batsman"?

Passport to post-election comedy: five days of political paralysis just isn’t enough — How long could you go without a government? Belgium did 541 days a few years back, while in 2010 the British were granted a mere five and a half days of hilarity before hung parliament love interest Nick Clegg chose to make his bed with the Tories, despite all the "Don't do it, Deidre" banners fluttering from white vans.

The Oscars: showcasing Hollywood’s generous sense of global obligation — One day, I hope to own the world's largest collection of the phrase "the Oscars of our industry". "The Tractor of the Year awards are, quite rightly, considered the Oscars of our industry," runs a typical example. Last week was "the Oscars of the travel industry".
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Mar 30, 2015

Heat mag asks David Cameron what his spirit animal is. My election journey starts here…

Mar 30, 2015

Favourite euphemism of the morning so far is Jim Murphy referring to the Scottish referendum as "last year's disagreement"

Mar 27, 2015

@ggreenwald @rustyrockets either way could he stop misrepresenting that statistic about reality tv voting which has been frequently debunked

Mar 27, 2015

RT @MickPCollins: @marinahyde 25% of an X Factor, half a Silk or a good day for Homes under the Hammer. Viva democracy…

Mar 27, 2015

What were the ratings for The Unpleasantness last night?

Mar 26, 2015

Went to one of the spin rooms in 2010. A definite two-bath event.

Mar 26, 2015

"Are you OK Ed?" "Yeah? Are you?" Ladies and gentlemen, that concludes your democracy for the evening.

Mar 26, 2015

He's really relaxing into this Malboro-man role

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