The lowdown on today's rundown

"Never eat, basically," concludes Talking Points Memo's Caitlin MacNeal, after the World Health Organization declared hot dogs, bacon and other processed meats as responsible for cancer (a horrible development that's been shared 15,000+ times already on that Washington Post link alone). "Everything you love wants to kill you," VICE Canada's Josh Visser puts it another way. "Okay one last rib eye," Toronto Star's Judith Timson resolves. However, this news prompts so many follow-up questions. "But what I really want to know is: what about hard salami??" wonders Wonkblog's Emily Badger (gotta love that byline). All of this is enough to prompt Michael Roston from Science to warn, "They're coming in their black helicopters for your bacon," while others, like Dwight Silverman at the Houston Chronicle, boldly declared, "You’ll get my bacon when you pry my cold, tumored fingers off it." You also gotta love the snarky retort from the ever-so-unbiased red meat industry: "Independent researchers from National Cattlemen's Beef Association weigh in," WaPo's Drew Harwell shares. Meanwhile, Mohammed Hadi points out, "To be fair, its not just #BaconCausesCancer -Kosher salami would also make this list. Damn."

Relatedly, Bloomberg News offers the pointed take on how red meat joined the 478 other things that might give you cancer.

Enough on that obsession, though, or at least until tomorrow's takes. In other headlines, a powerful earthquake struck northern Pakistan with tremors felt as far as India and Afghanistan and leaving at least 150 dead. "For a more scientific explanation and the seismotectonics of the Himalaya and its vicinity," offers up Mehreen Zahra-Malik with Reuters. Elsewhere abroad, Russia's presence near undersea cables is making the U.S. nervous. "This isn't Cold War redux -- more like cloak-and-scissors," explains NYT's David Sanger. Also, American companies are cautioning that the economy is slowing. "Shhh, don't tell the stock market," Joe Saluzzi advises.

Here are your political pointers for today, too: Americans overwhelmingly blame mental health failures over gun laws for mass shootings. "Post-ABC poll: 82% say gun violence serious problem, but public splits sharply on priority of new laws over rights," elaborates Dave Clarke with WashPost. And apparently Marco Rubio just isn't that into being a Senator. "Impatient, ambitious young bio-driven senator with no record vows to be transformational POTUS. What could go wrong?" snarks Ron Fournier from the National Journal. We've also learned that Carly Fiorina was a "contradictory figure" at Hewlett-Packard, which is an interestingly vague choice of words. HuffPo's Shane Ferro is decidedly unimpressed: "Area woman found to react to different situations with varied emotions." Simultaneously, the Bush family is circling the wagons 'round their boy Jeb. On the other hand, we've got Mark Halperin going on record that Hillary Clinton is the most likely next president. BusinessWeek's Sheelah Kolhatkar bills it as an analysis of "Clinton Derangement Syndrome" whereas The Street's Bret Jensen chalks it up to "Halperin with his usual Clinton worship." You be the judge!

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