Breaking bulletins and such

Hold on to your telescopes, because today's top trending news suggests a ninth planet is creepily lurking at the edge of the solar system (only just published, but at 12,000+ shares already). "I f**king hate it when planets lurk," admits Poynter's Kristen Hare. "The guy who demoted Pluto thinks there is a giant 9th planet on the edge of the solar system," explains Sarah Wire with the LA Times. Or as Washington Post's Alexandra Petri bills it, "in which Mike Brown does what the galactic empire never could: destroys a planet, then produces a bigger better one." Although Andy Kravetz with the Peoria Journal Star asserts, "They might have found a 10th planet out there. I still count Pluto. Don't hate on the little guy." And David Brauer wonders, "So do we name the 'massive perturber' planet Trump or Palin?" Plenty of journalists remain skeptical, of course. "How can there just be another planet out there we’ve never seen before?" demands Dashiell Bennett with Bloomberg News. "Researchers spot #planet9 but nobody has ever seen it ... I think we truly are living in a bad TV sci-fi movie," gripes Storyful's David Clinch. And article co-author Joel Achenbach warns, "Our Planet Nine story updated with cautionary note from NASA: 'The Sagan Rule applies. Find it.'"

In other revelations, scientists report that 2015 was the hottest year in recorded history (although try telling that to Los Angelinos recently). "Aliens?? Possibly, but not all that likely," quips Mic's Matt Essert. And on the other end of the spectrum, there's still that severe snowstorm likely Friday through Sunday with D.C. right at its bullseye. "DC is doomed to icy torment, and Dostoevskian captivity with strangers, family, friends," predicts Elizabeth S. Bruenig at The New Republic. And in truly discomfiting developments, an AP exclusive indicates the oldest Christian monastery in Iraq has been razed by the Islamic State after surviving centuries. "Awful. I stopped there on some grim road trip in 2006, and it was such a respite. Christians, Muslims praying there," shares correspondent Ellen Knickmeyer.

And then there was that speech. You know the one we're speaking of (or rather, not). Here's some of the most mystifying lines, or if you prefer, the whole bizarre thing. Or should we say, squirmishes?

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