Toilet Read

Yet another for this local young professional, who just spent weeks binge watching every single video of people cutting bars of soap in a satisfying manner. This is the eighth time in the past two years that this girl has been rendered immobile as a result of satisfying video compilations. Her vice used to be slime videos. Over time, though, she has followed the natural progression of internet trends and matured to the aesthetically pleasing soap cutting clips like the ones seen above.

Taylor Swift and her boyfriend of six years, whose name I still do not know because, frankly, I didn’t even know that she was currently in a relationship, have broken up. The news, which has yet to be confirmed by any reliable news source (Toilet Read included), comes as a shock to many Swifties who thought that this was going to be the relationship that stood the test of time.

These days in America, it can be incredibly difficult to find issues that constituents on both sides of the political aisle can agree on. That’s why Americans are so excited about the introduction of a new law that states that all bad news moving forward must be delivered via a T-Shirt Cannon. More specifically, the New York Mets hype squad will be delivering the nationwide bad news, having been selected based on their exemplary T-Shirt launching capabilities.

Get ready to grab some tissues! Because here’s a story of a guy so committed to the love of coaching that he spent 30 minutes (on a Sunday) preparing little cones in specific arrangement for a new footwork drill that he came up with. The only catch? This guy just remembered that he’s actually not a coach! And he never has been a coach. He’s a CPA, apparently.

Just when you think that you’ve got it bad, hordes of 62-year-old Parisians start burning shit down because their president, Emmanuel Macaron, said that they’ll have to work two more years before they can legally retire! Listen, I get it. Nobody loves to work. But you don’t see me burning shit down every Monday when I have to get back to the grindstone. And hear me out, people of France, two years isn’t the end of the world.

Oh yeah, this guy is certainly singing opera. I’m not sure if he’s any good, but he sure as hell is loud! I’m not quite sure what opera is supposed to sound like, but if it’s supposed to be loud, then he might have a bright future ahead of him in this field.

Not a great day to be me, apparently. I just tried using whitening strips for the first time and all of my teeth turned to dust and then fell out of my mouth, floating away like half of the population of the universe when Thanos snapped his fingers in the Avengers movie. The instructions said to wear them for 30 minutes, but I tried to get my teeth extra white by wearing the strips for an extra minute or two. Before long, though, there were no more teeth left in my mouth to whiten.

News out of the Vatican today as Pope Francis released an official statement that he’d like to talk less about God, Jesus, and Catholicism, and more about other things that he likes, such as pickleball, gambling, and thick, beautiful Latina women. The news comes as a bit of a surprise to Roman Catholics, who are accustomed to hearing the Pope talk about normal Pope topics, like whether or not gay people have souls. Some people are happy to see a more human side of God’s right-hand-man.

Oh boy. This little fella on the playground appears to be acting fresh. He’s talking back to his mother and kicking the mulch in every which way. If you ask me, it seems like he’s ripe for a timeout. “Stop being fresh,” I just heard his mom say. Exactly. She and I are on the same page. This kid acting fresh and he needs to be reprimanded. Perhaps take away his yellow truck that he’s now using to fling mulch around the playground.

Peculiar– but not necessarily disgusting. When I was using a water fountain outside of a bathroom and heard a toilet flush from inside said facility, the water fountain’s pressure dropped dramatically! It’s hard for my mind not to immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm drinking toilet water. Right? Is that logic accurate? I mean they can’t use toilet water in a water fountain, right? There must be some law against that. Sometimes your mind plays tricks on you, though! Anyway, happy Saturday.