Elephant Journal

Cheerful Birthday, kid. 52 years around the sun. Life is short looking back, long looking forward, like flowing gently down a stream. Row, row, row your boat. Having a baby, this year, has reminded me of the eternity we are born out of, the early years of watching and feeling and experiencing pre-language, of being loved unconditionally and looking at all this world with a smile, with curiosity, with an utter lack of self-consciousness. Life is a bubble, Buddhism constantly reminds us.

I washed my boyfriend’s laundry. We had just moved in together, and it was one of those lovers’ domestic milestones, when you see your clothing mingling with theirs. His-and-hers socks, t-shirts, swirling in the laundromat washing machine. I washed our clothes, dried them, folded them, and that’s when things got crumply. When my guy returned home, he saw the pile of garments and turned to me. “Did you fold my shirts like this?” he asked. Elephant's #1 Mattress Choice Just Got Better I nodded.

There’s a strange kind of loneliness that comes from pretending you don’t need anything. You tell yourself you are easygoing, low-maintenance, understanding, and chill. You don’t ask for reassurance because you don’t want to seem needy. You also try not to bring up the thing that hurt your feelings because you don’t want to ruin the mood. You have even gone to the extent of saying “it’s okay” even when it isn’t. And after a while, silence starts to feel more comfortable than honesty.

I’m letting myself love you, taking your pain as my own. I’m letting myself like you, receiving your little gestures as if they are not little at all. The way you tuck my hair behind my ear— which is remarkable because I have not had hair long enough to tuck in more than a decade. I kept it short and spiky back then. Armor disguised as style. A quiet warning to wandering men. Now it falls past my eyes and ears and you move it gently, like I am worth handling with care.

Am I the only one who thinks first dates feel like a job interview? We put on our sexiest clothes, bring out our best selves, and carefully navigate the conversation to check all the right boxes. If you pay close attention (like me), it’s easy to spot two people on a first date—their cautious behavior and tense smiles say everything.

Sometimes, when my husband and I argue, the room we are sitting in instantly transforms into a courtroom. And I know I’m not alone here. Most of us have mastered the art of fighting “well” in our relationships. But by well, I mean terribly. In the blink of an eye, a completely silly conversation transforms into digging up past hurts and defensive comments.

I want to see her, but not with simple sight, Not just with wandering eyes beneath the night. You see, her smile can calm the darkest skies, Like morning sun returning to my eyes. I never meant to write these words this way, But thoughts of her keep pulling me to stay. Her hair dances softly within the wind, Like nature itself is moving through her skin. Her eyes—they sparkle brighter than the sea, Holding mountains where my soul feels free.

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Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and meditation teacher, often tells a story of a dog tied to a tree. You walk over there to pet it, and it lunges, shows its teeth, growls. You come to see its foot is in a trap. How do you feel now? Hopefully, you have some form of empathy for it. You have compassion. You’d think something along the lines of “Poor baby!” Now if you are a highly sensitive and empathetic person like me who also deeply values compassion, you would want to feed it, care for it.

Ready to join? Hey, thanks so much for reading! Elephant offers 1 article every month for free. If you want more, grab a subscription for unlimited reads for $5/year (normally, it's $108/year, and the discount ends soon). And clearly you appreciate mindfulness with a sense of humor and integrity! Why not join the Elephant community, become an Elephriend?