Hard Drive

NEW YORK – A coalition of PlayStation fans, frustrated by the impending discontinuation of the console’s physical media, have announced they are in the process of building an emulator capable of replicating the experience of there being one competent Sony executive who doesn’t want to fuck up the entire gaming industry, sources involved with the project have confirmed.

HEAVEN – Prime Mover and Supreme Creator of the Universe God admitted he’s been away from keyboard (AFKing) on Earth for the past 2,000 years, sources report. “Shit, shit, my bad,” the Heavenly Father said as he frantically retook his position atop the Holy Throne. “I thought I could step away for a little while after sending my Son down to Earth, but it looks like that just made things worse. Ugh, what are these ‘Crusade’ things that happened last millennia?

Well, look who it is. I guess you heard that Sony is stopping production of all physical discs by 2028. And you think you can just come crawling back to daddy to buy used games on the cheap like nothing happened, huh? As if I haven’t forgotten how you mistreated me, abused me, and ultimately abandoned me? Well, settle in, bucko. You’re in my world now. You want used PlayStation 5 games for rock bottom prices? Of course you do. That’s what everyone wants from me.

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Dinosaur and Super Mario Kart racer Yoshi has been detained by Vanilla Lake Police Department (VLPD) after a routine traffic stop uncovered an unregistered red turtle shell in his kart, sources report. “The suspect was speeding through Vanilla Lake, so of course I had to pull him over,” VLPD Officer Chet Nicholas told reporters. “I noticed him careening through our town’s green pipes and repeatedly destroying our ice blocks in lieu of simply driving between them.

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft Gaming has announced that its forthcoming, yet to-be-named next-generation Xbox console will be able to play DVDs, befuddled sources report. “This has been in development for a long time, and we’re excited to finally make the reveal,” CEO Phil Spencer told reporters. “While we can’t provide all the details on the new system at this time, we can confirm that it will come equipped with full DVD functionality. That’s right.

WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources report. “Oh God, did you see how the baby penguin was crying when I separated it from its mother?” Miller groaned while making no effort to conceal his arousal.

OK, let this be a warning to everyone to read up on restaurants before patronizing them; ESPECIALLY sushi restaurants. A lovable scuba diver/waiter befriending a race of sea people and uncovering the cause of a rash of earthquakes may provide good fodder for a surprisingly fun video game, but by no means is it an acceptable setting for a safe and hygienic culinary experience.

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – Sniveling little coward Gerard Wilmerson declined to make any adjustments to his video games’ default controller settings, disgusted sources report. “I don’t really have a strong personal preference when it comes to controls,” the spineless milquetoast admitted. “I just leave it to the developers and trust their judgment on the matter. I love to play video games, and I’ve never had any issues with controls to where I felt the need to adjust them in the menus.

OK, I know the Kokiri worship this goddamn thing, but seriously, just look at it. It’s a monstrosity and an eyesore. I heard it even has a parasite inside of it, Queen Gohma or something like that. Apparently the tree has summoned some kid who doesn’t talk to come and fix it from the inside, but how about we save him the trouble? My buddy has a Sennebogen tree care handler for his contracting business, and we can knock this fucker down in no time. I’m a pretty accomplished woodworker.

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report. “This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told reporters.