Chapter 23

Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. Used to be a tree. Could have been a contender. Today I’m 49 and poetry is hard. “I often want to cry. That is the only advantage women have over men — at least they can cry.” ― Jean Rhys Hail Satan! Say it with me. Hail Satan! One more time. Hail Satan! Can I get an Amen?That was a trick question. Sorry, wrong meeting. This is the not-so-secret post that goes out to subscribers on the 23rd of every month.

“A non-writing writer is, in fact, a monster courting insanity.” — Franz Kafka There’s a specific misery of wanting to write and not writing. What that does to a writer. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you will. Kafka said it better than I ever could. I only quoted him so that you’d keep reading. This is a handful of fragments. Post-it notes from inside my head. It isn’t a polished piece. That’s sort of the point. What do you mean lazy? I’m not lazy. I’m efficient. There’s also a monkey.

“I’d gladly trade a long life for a life well lived.” — James Garside Fear is the only thing standing between you and the life you want. Hesitation in the gap between knowing what you want and having the nerve to go after it. This is a list post. Which I hate. Ok it’s less a list and more a confession with line breaks. I mean that in a good way. Written years ago. Back when the gap between who I was and who I wanted to be was so wide you could lose a horse in it. Several horses even.

“Typing up old notebooks is a bit like injecting heroin into your eyeball — addictive, painful, and not very good for your eyes. Fun though!” — James Garside This was a list post. Back when I laboured under the false assumption that Medium was like a blog and that people read my work. It’s about as much fun as it sounds. It wasn’t worth writing. It isn’t worth reading. I don’t even recommend listening to it now. But I’ve committed to reading everything that I published on Medium out loud at least once.

How can you spot them? Don't worry, they'll tell you. Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. Just trying to live my best life. Hold for laugh. “There are limits to the power of laughter and though I may hint at them from time to time, I do not propose to step over them.” ― Angela Carter 99% of writing is rewriting shitty first drafts and failed attempts. I mean that in a good way. A bit like meditation is about repeatedly trying to meditate.

I’ve got a film script stuck in a drawer. It’s only been there for about 30 years so I could finish it any day now. That’s how well my writing’s going so don’t even ask. I’m a working class writer from Yorkshire. I watch films and want to write film scripts. Americans watch movies and write these fancy things called screenplays. It took me longer than you’d think as a kid to work out that they’re the same thing. Chapter 23 by James Garside is a reader-supported publication.

Hi! Welcome to Chapter 23. Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit. At what level do you want to have this conversation? Just kidding. Don’t talk to me. “The best way to do this is to rise half an hour, or a full hour, earlier than you customarily rise. Just as soon as you can—and without talking, without reading the morning’s paper, without picking up the book you laid aside the night before—begin to write.

“Then I read my blog and realised that most of it was shit. Luckily, I have no shame.” — James Garside This episode is the sign-off for the original home of my writing on the net. It’s a self-deprecating bumper index of every post I ever wrote there — prefaced with the admission that most of it was shit. The definitive guide to the archives of my old blog. Dead but dreaming — and still out there on WordPress if you know where to look.

“Ask me anything. Over to you.” — James Garside Back when the internet was a much friendlier place I put out an open invite to ask me anything. It went better than you might expect. This episode is proof that sometimes the best way to figure out what to write next is to chat with your friends. I returned to my blog after a hiatus and threw open the doors to questions about writing and whatever else people wanted to know.

Sometimes life knocks you flat on your arse. You hit the ground hard. Usually you dust yourself off but it can take time to get back up. This book is for anyone hit so hard they woke up on the floor.