Cringeworthy

SMI was a label they assigned me in the hospital. I could see it all over my chart sitting on the doctor’s desk, which was always at least 2 times thicker than everyone else’s. It was full of evaluations, mental tests, blood workups, and therapy notes. There was a big sticker on the corner of my file that said SMI in red writing. There was a black circle around it. It could have almost passed as a band sticker if I didn’t know what it was.

When I think of the path I have chosen to take, I think of the mountain of knowledge I will need to absorb to call myself an expert. From my years of reading everything I can get my hands on, I know I am ahead of the game, but I think of all the books, and academic papers I have yet to read. Am I up to the task? Most people start their academic journey young, maybe after high school.

I must begin by saying that I absolutely love living in the Philippines - most days. I have a great family, the people here are top-notch, the food is world-class, and the weather is about as good as it gets. I love my days here with my wife and two little ones, even though I miss the kids and family back in the USA. I am just jazzed to be living here, and most days, you will see me with a smile and spring in my step. But there are days, like today, when I would just love to be anywhere but here.

I’m not much into philosophy or religion, and I am not what you would call a genius. You’ll have to excuse what I say, because I am, in fact, an idiot. But, I have been in a rabbit hole of aliens and artificial intelligence and I have a few things to say. Warning: You will not like what I have to say, but, so be it. Humans have proven themselves to be fallible.

I started a new business, and in it, I have two product offerings. I know within my subscribers, there are members who are writers, and some who want to start a business, or at least are interested in online business. So I have these two new Discord communities and for this week only, I am offering a FREE lifetime membership to you, my friends. I need people who can test out the service, and give me feedback on improvements and changes that need to be made. Can you help me?

I’ve been getting terribly ill a lot lately. It feels like I have food poisoning. Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, chills, sweating. It happened when the wife and I went to Boracay and I spent all night curled up under two blankets. Now, again, after I ate the other day, I got horribly bloated and my body got so cold I was shivering uncontrollably. I started throwing up, and soon after it came out the other end.

I have been a frontend developer/designer and writer for well over 25 years, and am proud to say that I have created interfaces and complete websites that were not only unique but useful and accessible to people with disabilities. I have worked with and on websites that were used by public libraries, the US Postal Service, and Intel.

When I started working as a web developer, way back in 1997-98, during the time of animated gopher GIFs and loud color combinations on web pages, I found that I loved HTML and coding. When I couldn’t get it to do what I wanted, I spent hours slicing up images and creating complicated tables to make interfaces that didn’t look boring and vanilla.

I haven’t worked a real job since I was laid off from my high-paying corporate job in 2002. I mean, I’ve done freelancing, and I’ve tried to create a full-time income on Medium and with my newsletters. But, actually, working for someone else? No. I spent time in mental hospitals after suicide attempts and spent weeks at a time hiding in bed from psychosis, depression, and anxiety. I wished I could work because I was broke all the time.

When 2023 rolled around, I told a lot of people that this was MY YEAR. The word for this year was supposed to be “focus,” but the closer we get to the end of January, the more I realized that this year will be all about change. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with a worsening mental illness and dealing with the fallout from that. Suicide attempts, self-harm, medication, hospitalizations, loss of family, divorce, and psychosis.