Kitchen Witch

Hello, wonderful witches! This isn’t a witchy update; instead, it’s an update about a new podcast my friend Kristin and I are launching called… You've Got Hate Mail! Join us as we read the most unhinged, petty, and hilariously hostile messages people get from internet strangers. Got a DM that made you go “WHAT?” An email so dramatic it deserves an audience? A comment so weirdly personal you had to screenshot it?

A short but meaningful post today, as I can officially announce that I’ve signed a contract to write Tyromancy, a book about cheese fortune telling, with Ten Speed Press. It’ll be out in 2027 and I cannot wait! I hope you’re all as excited as I am! In honor of this news, please donate some food to a local food bank. SNAP recipients are counting on us.

Hello, wonderful witches! I’m having a bad time. On top of, you know… everything… other parts of my world just keep falling apart. We’ve had a couple basement floods in our new house; my tire went flat yesterday and today another one is going flat; something is consistently wrong with my cellphone account; I broke a tooth that now needs to be pulled. So many other things, and much larger and more meaningful/depressing things, have happened as well — one thing after the other, for months.

Hello, wonderful witches! Today I put my stress and anxiety about the world to use, and headed to the Field Museum in Chicago to get a behind-the-scenes look at the archives’ poison plant cabinet. An entire cabinet filled with poison? How could I resist? Aside from the general poisons in the collection, I was drawn in by the promise of seeing the deadly fruit from the most recent season of White Lotus: the pong-pong fruit.

Hello, wonderful witches. I’m sure many of you are feeling the same dread that’s completely overtaken my day today. I don’t want to send out a post that says everything will be OK — because we don’t actually know that, and my intuition is telling me some pretty nasty things. I DO want to send out a post saying that this witch has your back, and I’m here to support all of you as we deal with what’s to come.

Hello, wonderful witches! Happiest Samhain and Halloween. Here’s a photo of our puppy Heloise in her banana costume for the dog tax. Earlier this month, I participated as vendor at Wedtoberfest, an Oktoberfest-themed wedding expo. For those of you that signed up, welcome to Kitchen Witch! For those of you that didn’t attend, here’s a photo of what you missed. The quick recap: My cheese fortune-telling services are available for your wedding and other large events.

Hello, wonderful witches! I know it’s been a hot minute since I’ve published anything here (thanks, medical garbage), but now I have some FABULOUS news to share. I’m adding chocolate fortune-teller to my list of careers, because Snickers and the NFL hired me to be their official Chocomancer for the upcoming football season! Using bites of Snickers bars from 21 different teams’ mascots, I predicted the next season for each team.

Hello, wonderful witches! It’s the winter solstice — welcome to Yule! How are you planning to celebrate? I’m still waffling on whether I want to get one of the absolutely gorgeous Yule logs from a local bakery, or just make my own. If you have any Yule log traditions, I’d love to hear about them! I want to take a moment to talk about my book, The Retrograde Guidebook. As of right now, it doesn’t appear to be on any bookshelves in the country because of a break down in publicity.

Hello, wonderful witches! A couple quick reminders before a short, silly piece today. If you plan to order my next book, The Retrograde Guidebook, it publishes on December 12. It’s a great holiday gift! If you’re interested in a tyromancy session or other witchcraft services (which, coincidentally, also make great gifts), check them out here and here.

Hello, wonderful witches! I’m so excited to say that my upcoming book, The Retrograde Guidebook, was included in a gift guide for 2023! The book publishes on December 12, so if you want to have an all-in-one guide to planetary retrogrades — including calendars of upcoming ones through 2030 — preorder now! And thank you all so much for the early support. It means the world to me. In today’s newsletter, we’ve got an excerpt recipe from Elsie Wild’s new book, Coffee Magic for the Modern Witch.