βAlice, pop off a quick note to those aliens,β says the Brief. βYou can do it over the weekend. Thousand words, max. Write whatever you want.β What I want is a twenty-one-volume science-fantasy epic set on a hydrothermal vent. What I need is a pay check. Here goes nothing. Dear Aliens, I have been asked to write to you, I assume in defence of humanity. Yes, we probably deserve the death ray. Put your best, most honest foot forward. Thatβs what my mum used to say.