MetalSucks

Hey everybody, a new and improved Dave Mustcomplain here. My old lady and I just came back from church, and I’ll be goddamned if the Holy Spirit didn’t personally reach down and touch me on the tits. Said I need to be more open-minded and less filled with rage, yet here Doreen had been angry when I insisted we switch houses of worship after our pastor over at First Trinity went on an anti-ICE rant. Pretentious little shit.

Because there is absolutely nothing worth celebrating this Labor Day weekend, why not at least make a little bit of noise to drown out the sound of the festivities that really shouldn’t be happening while making those fest? Rigor Morrissey reporting for duty.

Well, it’s September now, and some people still suck. It’s Smokey Goretooth here with another “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week, we’ve got a submission from a user who thinks their friend is becoming an asshole because their follower count increased.

Goddamn heart’s acting up again… think it might be all the stress being put on it by these fucking lunatic Socialists trying to take over our country. Thank God I have Fox News to mainline the straight dope into my veins for three hours every night so I can stay informed on how badly our country’s going to hell. Worse yet, I have to wait another two weeks for the Bears’ season opener.

“Hey, for our band logo, why don’t we use Comic Sans?” – SAID NO METAL BAND EVER! I get it, there is nothing metal about Times New Roman – or any other font that is legible for that matter – but as a cixelsyd, sorry dyslexic, I even get that word backwards; I need to know: How did bands go from “I want everyone to see our band name!” to “Who needs PR?

If you question my expertise on sceney-bopper-ness, let me walk you through a moment in time. I’m standing in the sitting room, my mother in the kitchen, and I’m begging her to let me either a) cut my fringe to one of those cool, massive emo fringes that were huge on Tumblr, or b) let me dye my hair purple. Guess which one I got? Neither. And while I was angry at the time – in much retrospect (death), I do appreciate the hit she took from me on that one.

Smokey Goretooth at it again with a new “Do I Suck?,” MetalSucks’ version of “Am I The Asshole?” where we take real life horror stories and bring them to our readers to decide if the OP sucks for some bullshit they may or may not have done. This week’s submission comes from a user who feels like they didn’t need to lose their spot by the stage for their friend’s sake.

Hi everybody, Dave Mustcomplain here. Fair warning before I do this review: I’ve had a real bummer of a week. First off, my shitting wife Doreen capped me off at three Busch Lights a week on account of the fact that my heart threw a bitch fit a month back. Says she’s worried I’m going to finally give up the ghost and leave her all alone. I told her I’d go ahead and eat a fucking shotgun if she continues to boss me around like that, because at least then I’d get some peace and quiet.

Tomorrow marks a very special day in my podcasting career: episode 99 of the RIGHT NOW! Thepodcast will be released, and for those who struggle with math, that means we are but one episode away from reaching the milestone of 100. It may come as a surprise, but I wasn’t always the funny, confident, sex-Gob you see each week hosting the number one comedy podcast in the world, if you don’t fact-check that.

You know the saying about the law of attraction? Yeah, well, looks like one band decided, ‘Hey, maybe we should rerelease this LP,’ and that one band ended up being pretty much all of them. And – get this – only one of them is standard black. I mean, we’re talking peak consumption-levels here. Rereleases can get a bad rap – and should – but that’s not necessarily the point. Okay, maybe it is the point.