Situation Normal

One of my neighbors has a MILFmobile. It’s a black SUV, maybe ten years old, usually dusty. What makes it a MILFmobile is the bumper sticker. In hot pink letters it says: M.I.L.F. — Man, I love fishin’. Last Sunday, on the way to get bagels, Christina and I saw another MILFmobile. I changed lanes to get behind the MILFmobile, and hoped for a red light. As we drove, we debated who the driver, a loud and proud MILF lover, might be. Christina guessed creeper. I thought it was a geek of the McLovin variety.

When I learned to drive, my father insisted that I learn how to change a tire. This came in handy a couple of times, but honestly, I haven’t changed a tire in decades, and at this point I’m a little foggy on the process. If I found myself by the side of the road with a flat, I’d probably ask ChatGPT for instructions and hope to hell that the AI’s answer wasn’t a hallucination. Or, maybe I’d just wing(nut) it. Christina, on the other hand, still remembers how to change a tire.

Photo by Egor Komarov on Unsplash “The whole corruption of aesthetic language is the application of financial jargon to artistic creativity. This is why instead of calling a work of art by its real name, we call it content.” — Ted Gioia “When I grow up, I wanna be a content creator.” — Words never uttered by a single person in the 20th century When people tell me my content is great, I try to say thank you.

Photo by Craig Thomas on Unsplash A few months ago, while showering, I felt a bump on my scrotum. When I got out of the shower, I told my wife, but I didn’t use the word scrotum. “Honey, I’ve got a bump on my balls.” “Babe, I don’t have time to fool around,” Christina said. “I’m late for work.” “This isn’t some ploy.

America turns 250 today, although the country doesn’t look a day over 200, if you ask me. Some Americans celebrate the 4th of July with zero reflection. For them, this holiday is hamburgers and hotdogs, parades, beer, pool parties, baseball, and fireworks. Other Americans, perhaps after too much reflection, say they can’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Next to my desk is a chair. The chair is big enough for one human, or two small dogs. This is the source of the quotidian dog drama. The chair belongs to Mortimer, who claims it under the “first in time, first in right” legal doctrine. For those without the benefit detriment of a legal education, the doctrine is best understood as: I got here first, so you’re shit outta luck.

The big news this week is that Spencer Pratt’s bid to become the next mayor of Los Angeles has failed. This is exciting for two reasons. First, Los Angeles dodged a big, dumb bullet. Second, Pratt is leaving Los Angeles, assuming he keeps his campaign promise to schlep his crystal-peddling ass out of town. In a related story, the grifters running the right-wing echo chamber formerly known as Twitter have convinced their marks that the election was stolen.

My fellow situation normies, our long local / regional nightmare is over. I’m kidding. It takes weeks to count all of the ballots in California. This is because every registered voter in California gets a mail-in ballot, and ballots are valid as long as they’re postmarked by Election Day and arrive at county elections offices within seven days of the election.

Hey there, situation normies. You usually don’t hear from me on a Monday, but I wanted to share this conversation I had with my friend Amran Gowani (see video / audio player above). If you’re curious about my writing career, where my comedic voice comes from, and what compels me to write fiction, this is the conversation for you.

Bad behavior, social norms, and the LA mayor's race If there are two lines, I usually pick the slower one. Chalk it up to bad judgement. Like Walter Donovan, the Nazi-curious antiquities collector from Indian Jones and the Last Crusade — my brand is poor choices. Last weekend provided another entry in my long catalogue of poor choices when it comes to lines. As we were leaving a parking lot, I picked the shorter line because it appeared … shorter. It wasn’t. The problem?