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VANTABLACK GOT NUTHIN But they sure as hell blow! You know about black holes, right? About how they really suck? About how black holes sit there at centers of every galaxy including our own, gobbling everything up so you better start worrying, especially if your lifespan is numbered in the zillionz of years or if you believe in the afterlife, which is sort of the same thing? It turns out that, according to science, anything headed for a black hole not only doesn’t fall in but can’t fall in.

FICTION, THANK HEAVEN We all have them sometimes It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, and the weather report said 72 degrees Fahrenheit. This is going to be a great day, I thought as I rose from my super-comfortable memory foam mattress, feeling refreshed and eager to start my morning. Uh oh. I’m out of yogurt again. Breakfast isn’t breakfast without yogurt, fruit, some nuts, and cinnamon to top it off. Damn! Well, I have some Muenster cheese.

Humor | Film Thank you for protecting the world, but we still need to talk Now that you’ve become so famous for saving the planet from destruction, legal council has advised me against terminating you. This, despite evident failures to perform and blatant insubordination. For one, your status report was due on my desk by the end of last month, and not three days later.

CARD CATALOGS AND CLAW MARKS Professional tips for dealing with your library’s most fiery patron As Head Librarian at the Metropolitan Public Library’s Special Collections Division, I’ve dealt with my fair share of difficult patrons — from the professor who licked 15th-century manuscripts to “test their authenticity” to the grad student who tried cataloging our entire Medieval collection in emoji.

CHRISTMAS FUNNIES An adult appeal to Santa Dear Santa, How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? Are all the elves working hard? Are the reindeer well-fed, groomed, and ready for their Christmas Eve ride? Now that I have all the small talk crap out of the way let’s get to the reason for this letter. It has come to my attention that you have put me on your Naughty List. I wish to protest that injustice with great vigor.

ABOUT WRITING Really, I won’t We must learn to love ourselves. Self-help books tell us that, and why would their authors lie to us? We must trust someone out there selling books and getting rich. They must know something the rest of us haven’t figured out yet. If they tell us to love ourselves, we have to pay attention. Loving ourselves is a nice thing to do. It seems to me this idea extends to self-deprecating humor.

LITERATURE AND THEATER COMEDY A new play by Billy Shakespeare List of characters: Billy Shakespeare, playwright and poet. Also known as Prologue.

Humor and satire A hilarious journey into website security My wife and I decide to order tickets for the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. Chaos and drama ensue. “The seats are $200 and up!” Lulu says. “Wait, you’re on a scalper site.” “How was I supposed to know?” “Use verification web sites but make sure they aren’t hacker sites.” “How do I do that?” “Pray.” We attempt to enter Ticketmaster using my account, but it asks Lulu for an access code. The masters of ticket sales send a code to my phone.

Appointments ‘R Us I’m as unqualified as the next guy I offer myself as Cabinet Secretary material. I have the following qualifications: — I own some early Barbies with pencil skirts and stiletto heels. — I have a pocket-sized version of the Constitution I could shred. — I know nothing about agriculture, but I once got a farm-based subsidy for three years when I owned a cabin on 11 acres, where I did not farm. So I have been paid for not farming.

CHRISTMAS CUISINE SATIRE Yes, we exist, and we aren’t ashamed to talk about it When someone gifts you with a fruitcake, what do you do with it? Leave it somewhere until it turns to stone, then throw it out. Allow it to turn to stone, then use it as a paperweight. Re-gift it to someone you don’t like. Re-gift it to your office Secret Santa. Cut it into pieces, eat it, and enjoy it. If you answered 5, you are eligible to join The Royal Society of Fruitcake Lovers.