Points in Case

At 1100 hours last night, there was a flare-up and escalation of the long running border conflict between my side of the bed and my wife’s side of the bed. It began with good intentions, as a peacekeeping mission to protect the inhabitant on my side from the wanton aggression of East Mattress, but the brief-planned occupation may develop into a more permanent stay depending on comfort levels.

I’ll admit that I was appalled when I first heard my middle school would become a pro-wrestling school. The school board said this was “a strategic decision due to education funding cuts, fierce school choice competition, and federal enthusiasm for MMA-inspired policy change.” But after spending the summer training with professional wrestlers and watching reruns of the Netflix series GLOW, I started to come around to the idea.

This is a message confirming that you are booked for your annual mammogram. Please click the link below to view a secure message because for the next several weeks it is your job to view and respond to important secure messages from our office about your boobs. Please complete the attached paperwork ahead of your visit. How tall are you? How much do you weigh? Would you say your breasts are proportional to your height and weight? Are you pregnant? Are you breastfeeding? Are you menopausal?

REMINDER: This is a RELAXING vacation. Last summer’s feedback was heard. Nobody is scheduling anything. The below is not a schedule. It is information. TRAVEL DAY 4:45 A.M. — LOAD CAR PER DIAGRAM (diagram on fridge, take a photo of it with your phone). Carry-ons go in LAST so they come out FIRST. This is called logistics. In the military it is an entire branch. 5:00 A.M. — DEPARTURE.

Greetings students and caregivers! With summer coming to a close and the 2026-2027 school year beginning shortly, we want to provide a few brief reminders regarding the totally normal changes we are implementing this year. Hopefully this will clear up some of the alleged confusion. The first day of school is this Monday.

To: Unit Owners From: The Board Subject: Updated Trash Guidelines Dear Neighbors, Inevitably, on or around trash pickup day, each of our residents will be confronted with a high-pitched, “Hey, y’all goin’ to the dumpster?” That squeaky voice, of course, belongs to Dumpster Boy. For those unfamiliar with Dumpster Boy’s motivations, he was dumped in our complex’s dumpster as a newborn, but was not found until he had matured into a young adult.

Love at a Crossroads “Dating wasn’t even on my radar,” said Jocasta, 43, who recently wed Oedipus of Corinth in a private ceremony in downtown Thebes. “But we had so much in common.” Days earlier, her elderly husband and his attendants had been murdered at a crossroads. Coincidentally, Oedipus had recently murdered an old man and his attendants, also at a crossroads. “It’s as if fate brought us together,” she said.

From: Miss Poppy Harkness (Nanny to the Vane-Fotheringay household) To: [email protected] Subject: Small question re: Tuesday’s school visit Dear Museum, Clarissa Vane-Fotheringay (age 7) attended your “premium immersive workhouse experience for school groups” on Tuesday with a small group from St Æthelburga’s Preparatory. She came home in excellent spirits, which was my first clue that something was wrong.

On behalf of Delta, our SkyTeam global partners, and our entire crew, welcome aboard Delta flight 11 with service to Melbourne. We’d like to extend a very special welcome to our Diamond Medallion members and their continued loyalty. Our shit-tier passengers can fuck right the fuck off. For the safety of our Diamond Medallion members, it is our policy to keep your seatbelt fastened at all times while seated.

Chad and I are beyond stoked for you to host us again, Sis. You get exclusive Auntie time with our little Molly. A full week. What luck! You didn’t ask, but I do have a few little requests. First, though—sorry I posted those Soak ‘n Slide videos last year. The one of your fiancé Rick spooning Bikini Becky went viral. Most sisters—even those left at the altar—would be talking to me by now. I’ll sure miss Becky’s lasagna. Is she still next door? You should get the recipe.