Points in Case

Women’s Restroom: After three firm slams with the brass knockers bolted to the solid oak Victorian door, a Parisian butler greets you in a long-tailed tuxedo, glass of pink lemonade in hand with a mint leaf submerged between three blocks of ice. The drink sweats profusely—and that’s what the linen handkerchief is for—one-thousand thread count.

The universe you live in is the ninth attempt. The creator built it out of parts from the first eight. You’ve probably noticed. Universe One: The Dinner Plate Everything that would ever exist happened at once, in eleven seconds, in a space the size of a dinner plate. Nobody had invented time yet. A little of it leaked into ours, which is why the dentist, the plumber, and your in-laws all show up the same week. Universe Two: Optional Gravity was optional, and only a grand piano opted in.

I’m the most important film director on planet Earth. I live in a different world to you; my thoughts exist on a higher plane. As such, I do not own a computer and the internet is something I neither use nor comprehend. I can’t afford to be distracted by minutiae like “Sabrina Carpenter” or “global political events.” I live in Hollywood. Life moves fast. I’ve got no time to wait around for people.

Yes! At long last I have finally receive this unsolicited offer for a new Bank of America Mastercard! After countless years of failed journeys through the hallway and down the elevator to check for mail, my efforts have finally paid off. Today, I will not return from the mailroom in a state of utter dejection, scowling about how my time is yet to come and wondering if it ever will.

Let’s not pretend this bake sale is just about raising money to pay for our kid’s cheer outfits. There’s an unspoken parenting hierarchy around here, and we both know only one of us can sit on the throne—the one who makes the most money at this bake sale. And I don’t care how many generations your date square recipe has been passed down through, kids think they’re gross. I, on the other hand, understand what kids want in baked goods. Something high in sugar, not fiber.

The Captain’s whistle attracts hundreds of mountain goats. The gardeners spend the following week re-landscaping. Maria asks to shadow the Captain to learn how he parents, then spends the entire scene interrupting him with unsolicited advice. At the Baroness’s insistence, the children take an entrance exam for an elite Swiss boarding school. Liesl fails.

Here at GreenCrispt Salad Mercantile, we believe in 3 things: sustainability, wholesome ingredients, and charging middle management millennials a double sawbuck for a bowl of rabbit food. It’s these guiding principles that has set us apart from all the other midtown fast casual restaurants—like the one that charges $23 for a burger, or that other one that charges $19 for salad but also sells soup. But how does this justify our exorbitant prices? What makes GreenCrispt salads so special?

Can I show you now? I know you’re eating dinner but since you’re sleeping with my sister, it’s only fair that you take a look at it.

Gas Station TV ad blitz Gas is such a hot topic right now. And people love taking that little mental break with un-mutable video content while they fill up at the pump. This can only create positive associations for us. Starbucks cold foam option with punny candidate-based name Since Ben and Jerry’s turned us down for a bespoke ice cream flavor due to “ideological differences”… Their loss. We can also request it’s a protein blend.

Bring it to your job interview. Bring it into the beige conference room where six VPs of who knows what have gathered to determine whether you deserve a $74,000 salary and a healthcare plan that covers strip mall ophthalmologists. Put it on the table. Let it sweat. Nothing you do here will matter. The recruiter notices the coffee. She thinks it looks unprofessional. She has rules about these things.