The Sweary Mommy

SO’S YOUR MOTHER Mean kid quotes and grownup laments Press enter or click to view image in full size (Photo by Ben White on Unsplash) I have a friend who unironically refers to her elementary-aged kids as “darlings.” No prizes for which sex both children are. (Cough, cough. *GIRLS*) She and her spouse are great parents. Their daughters are well-behaved. I don’t mean to belittle anyone.

Sweary Mommy (n.)  — a publication of salty, unfiltered essays and listicles for parents, teachers, and caregivers. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to pee free — of small children who insist on being in the godd@mn bathroom with us.

DISCOVERY CHANNEL She was the calmest mom at preschool pickup. She was also doing something feral Press enter or click to view image in full size Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash Natalie spoke to her children the way a nature documentary narrator speaks about wolves — calmly and informatively. No judgment about the wolves passed her lips. She was also tiny. Her petiteness made her composure even more impressive.

FEMINÍSIMA The Treasury of Rad Mothers (Vol. 2) Press enter or click to view image in full size My friend Kate, probably. (Photo by RAY LEI, via Pexels.) I’m fortunate to know a lot of bad bitches. In this series, I’m sharing my insider knowledge on real women who inspire. As it turns out, you can be a parent and not have it ruin your damn life. Young people who contemplate parenthood need to understand that.

MOMMING SO HARD Fine, just blame me (and his father) Press enter or click to view image in full size Yeah, it’s almost this bad. (Photo by Engin Akyurt, via Pexels.) My son is emotionally bonding with garbage. Not the cute kind where he picks up leaves and acorns. The kind where he finds a broken cable tie in a parking lot and genuinely believes it was put there for him by the universe specifically. This all started in preschool.

Sweary Mommy (n.)  — a publication of salty, unfiltered essays and listicles for parents, teachers, and caregivers. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to pee free — of small children who insist on being in the godd@mn bathroom with us. R.I.P. They were (mostly) so wholesome Press enter or click to view image in full size (Photo by Anna Shvets, for Pexels) Covid killed more than just a bunch of good people.

NOURISHMENT Watching hoof-trimming content gets me thinking about motherhood Press enter or click to view image in full size Photo by Suvrajit 💭 S on Unsplash Proving you can take the girl from the farm but not vice versa, allow me to introduce my latest online obsession: , a bovine podiatrist from Wisconsin who is internet-famous for posting videos of his work trimming dairy cows’ hooves.

Sweary Mommy (n.)  — a publication of salty, unfiltered essays and listicles for parents, teachers, and caregivers. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to pee free — of small children who insist on being in the godd@mn bathroom with us. The lie of planning kids around your career Press enter or click to view image in full size Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash Should women plan their careers around motherhood, or plan motherhood around their careers?

My daughter’s case against me includes snack-based claims of emotional damage Press enter or click to view image in full size Proof of snacks — even fun ones! (story and chats shared with my daughter’s express editorial consent) | All images © Paradis Media llc My partner walks in the front door and drops a full-to-the-brim grocery sack on the table. I watch it trigger my eight-year-old daughter’s sixth sense — reserved specifically for snacks.

It’s all fun and games until they notice your grey hair Press enter or click to view image in full size Photo by the author My grandmother had a well-worn copy of the book Kids Say the Darndest Things by Art Linkletter. She died when I was nine, and the book ended up in our bookcase. I read it many times over the years because it was hers and I wanted to feel closer to her. Then I grew up and became a parent. It turns out, kids really do say the darndest things.