Wilding Out

We’d be better off if Obama put on his tanned suit and mosied into the Oval Office for a takeover. (Gif from The Democrats) The year 2026 was long. Well, it is long, since it’s still going on; miraculously we’re only a little over halfway through. So, buckle up, sprinkletits — we have a long way to go. Amidst the impending clusterfuckery of 2026, we’re still being asked ‘How are you?’ approximately another thousand times.

Suspicious, it’s easy to feel but hard to spell. Many of us feel suspishus in our daily lives for no dang good reason. Like when we’re around ‘the fuzz’, or when we’re digging a body-sized hole in the backyard for non-body-sized reasons. Maybe it’s paranoia leftover from that weedy phase in high school. Maybe it’s just part of human nature to feel splendubious from time to time. But we feel it. Hard. Like we just scarfed down a McSuspicious with cheese for lunch.

I know, saying things everybody agrees on is a bold statement. Especially since I’ve seen people argue over the color of the sky before. I’ve seen people practically get into a fist fight about whether a hot dog is technically a sandwich; nobody cares, just pop that big ole glizzy in your mouth hole. Online arguing has become not only a competitive sport these days, but also some people’s favorite hobby (or only hobby). I’ve seen arguments over practically everything.

Blocking the aisle is #5. (Gif by Portlandia on Giphy) It’s too peopley outside. That’s why, thanks to my flexible work-at-home schedule, I strategically go to the grocery store in the morning or early afternoon. It’s when people should be working. But miraculously, the grocery store is still full of meandering humans. (Shh… ignore the fact that, by that logic, I, too, should be working.) So despite my best efforts, I still have to deal with other hungry humans while foraging for food.

While winning the lottery so you can buy a really ugly boat to park in the rich people marina, along with a captain’s hat with those two beer can holders and straws on it, would be an awesome feeling — many of the greatest joys in life are the simple ones. Although the boat thing is pretty good. My parents did that. When I was little, before they lost everything in a real estate crash, they bought a big ole houseboat they bought with some friends.

Some days don’t just get on your last nerve; they set it on fire, then put it out by doing a flamenco dance on top of it. An otherwise normal day can be set ablaze by a series of unfortunate events that by themselves would be nothing — but in a series, bring you to your breaking point. Like someone ate your last Oreo. Or they breathed loudly…or at all. Even the coolest cucumbers amongst us have those days, where the shit hitteth the fan, and we lose our friggin marbles.

If you zoom out on the collective behaviors of humanity and pretend you’re an outsider looking in — we are…well, weird. We’re at the top of the evolutionary food chain, but some of the things we do are truly mind-boggling. We’ve sent humans to space, but we tie little nooses around our necks to look fancy. We’ve doubled our life expectancy with modern plumbing and medicine, but people die every year from tilting vending machines.

Ah, technology, the thing that was supposed to make our lives easier. Well, right up until we’re getting text messages that our fridge is too cold, our Roomba is trapped under the dog (again), and our vibrator has been hacked by Russians. Some modern technology is amazeballs, like MRI scans and clean energy. I also love how AI can give me a recipe without telling me the chef’s life story first or how they first fell in love with rutabagas.

Sometimes in life we just need a little fanciful dreaming. Little in-your-head-daydreaming-like-a-crazy-person fantasies to help us get through the hard days. Plus, it’s one of the few things in life that hasn’t been hit by inflation, and it’s still free. Finished your taxes? Do a little mental reverie about winning the lottery (which here in Canada is a tax-free affair). Just conquered the fabled laundry mountain that is said to be unconquerable?

Yeah…this’ll happen at the doctor (Gif from CBS) Life is full of dumb warnings these days, like that coffee is ‘hot’ and that the sleep aid Nytol ‘may cause drowsiness’. Or washing machines that caution you: ‘Do not put any person in this washer’, because apparently people didn’t know they shouldn’t wash their kids on spin cycle. Despite today’s society warning us not to iron our clothes while we’re in them (yes, these are all real examples), it doesn’t come with warnings for things like adulting.