Wilding Out

Like cousin loving and having liquor at work Gif by BBC on Giphy Some things are fancy schmancy if you’re rich, but trashy if you’re poor, like having cars on your lawn. If you’re rich, you need somewhere to park the new porches while they extend your 16-car garage. But if you have cars on your lawn, up on blocks, all of a sudden you look broké. I write this as a member of the broke-ian tribe. Some people are ‘new money’. I’m old no money.

Like how bacon doesn’t come in a resealable container and jam doesn’t come in a squeezee. Gif by For Everest on Giphy Food science really hasn’t kept up with the pace of science and technology. I recognize the culinary clusterfuck of bringing Star Trek’s Food Replicator (a futuristic microwave-esque machine that turned subatomic particles into any food you wanted) to fruition. But surely we could fix basic things, like having the same number of hot dogs and buns in a package.

Like you move in the shadows, and you have goalie energy Gif by Pacific North Jess Every gaggle of friends needs at least one weirdo. It keeps things interesting, even if that ‘interesting’ means it occasionally is only borderline legal. Although occasionally that makes the friends feel less like friends and more like bestie accomplices. But we all need at least one agent of chaos in our lives to shake off the overall bullshittery of life.

Well, to me anyway. I may be a little weird. Sometimes we think things in our brains that are so peculiar that we keep them locked in our brainholes, because if they make them out of our mouths, we might suddenly have a welfare check show up on our doorstep. Then we get an all-expenses-paid vacation to the psych ward. Free vacation aside, in my opinion, saying some of the ‘crazy-people’ things out loud is much more interesting.

Like the current crop toppian hellscape, and hoodies that don’t hoodie right Sometimes my clothing makes me want to peace out. (Gif from Ryn Dean) Clothing is supposed to either make a creative statement or simply cover your uncrustables so the world can’t see your dingalings. But for me, all too often the statement clothing is making is ‘I’m here to fuck up your day, Sprinkletits’.

A recent Forbes article said that Gen Z wants boomers and millennials to retire. Pfft, bitch, please. We millennials can’t retire; many of us just finished paying off our student loans, can’t afford our homes, and have kids and aging parents. We’re about as ready to retire as a donkey is ready to jump off a highboard into a thimble of jello.

Your day’s vibes will be stellar. You’ll be skedaddling along, happier than a shitgull with a french fry, thinking about your favorite celebrity in a whipped cream bikini. That’s one of my happy places anyway: Ryan Reynolds in a Chantilly cream bikini, spouting sassiness from his beautiful pie hole. But then, all of a sudden, your belt loop catches on a drawer, and your mind leaves its happy place and enters Murderville, population: you. The brain is an asshole like that.

Dude Law was created long ago, using a combination of elements ingrained in the DNA of men everywhere, and a long lineage of learning and passing down brohaviour. While some Bro-mandments remain closely guarded, as an armchair cultural manthropologist, I’ve decoded 15 of them. It includes things like a divine right to watch construction machines at work, and reviving appliances, furnishings and automobiles without glancing at the only-for-the-weak directions.

Our mothers warned us against getting into an unmarked panel van with spray-painting on the side that says ‘free candy’…or puppies. Even though if a stranger offered me the chance to roll in a puppy pile, I’d do it. Sorry, Mom. But serial killers have smartened up and don’t use free-candy vans. I assume they use Tesla Cybertrucks now. Spree killers have all sorts of entrapments, and some of them ooze surface-level charm they use to lure their prey (you, you’re the wounded gazelle).

Living with women can be awesome. Especially since we know where everything is at all times because every day we scan the house like we’re The Terminator. But sometimes it can be a confusing landscape to live in. Like how sometimes we have fruit-shaped soap. That you’re not allowed to use to clean your hands. Or eat. Or how we have pillows that aren’t for resting your head on.