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Articles by Bernie Comaskey
The Billion Euro industry that needs to be nationalised
We penned a piece here many years ago under the heading; ‘Time to Separate the Drugs from the Thugs’. I remember making a strong case at the time as to why illegal drugs should be made legal – and most importantly; taken out of the hands of ruthless criminal gangs. We made the case that the battle to curtail the distribution and sale of illegal drugs was well and truly lost. That point is ten times stronger today than it was at that time.
‘To err is human…’
Almost everybody will agree that we all make mistakes. The only exception I ever knew to this rule was my father. “I don’t make mistakes,” he declared when my brother Willie ventured, “I think you are making a mistake, Daddy!” Anyway, if the rest of us mere mortals admit that we all make mistakes, why are so many mistake-makers averse to admitting it and uttering the simplest of words: “sorry”?
The ups and downs of my final Camino
I think I remember signing off on a previous Camino column by stating that I wouldn’t inflict another one on you. Anyway, I have changed my mind because this one would be the last section remaining of the 500 miles Camino de Santiago.This one was different; dear readers. This one was special and this one was personal. I think I remember signing off on a previous Camino column by stating that I wouldn’t inflict another one on you.
‘Old men are dangerous …’
Dangerous old men with nothing to lose become more dangerous the longer they remain with the power to destroy. Their fingers get itchier, their brain more twisted and the heart colder. George Bernard Shaw said; ‘old men are dangerous because they have nothing to lose.’ I used to tease a couple of our elderly fun-loving bar customers with this line many years ago. You see, in the innocence of my youth, I took Georgie’s words to be referring, sort of tongue in cheek, to ‘dirty old men’.
We never had it so good …
Life expectancy in Ireland, having risen steadily over the decades now stands at 82 years. I am delighted with this because I know that on average I should have a few more weeks to live before going into ‘injury time.’ Or I could move to Japan where life expectancy is 84. But no; even with the prospect of a couple of extra years added to my life, I would never want to live anywhere else other than where I am now.
The histrionics of hotshot Harry …
Long may Harry and his hedgehog collaborators continue to visit lawns and gardens; reminding us that smallness holds courage and wonder and that each living creature has its place on our planet. There I was floundering around as my deadline loomed and nothing worth writing about entering my head.
‘How old would you be if you didn’t know your age?’
I was reading something in a magazine last week when I came across what I consider to be one of the greatest lines ever written. It had little to do with the gist of the story and wasn’t attributed to anyone. I actually had flicked over it before its significance registered in slow motion and so I reversed and read it again.
‘Letting the game flow …’
The ‘Great Hurling Man’ featured heavily all during the current championship; in the pubs, on the stands and on the Sunday Game. For many of us old sporting ‘dinosaurs’ it is a struggle to get used to the fact that the GAA inter-county year is over and only half the year gone. Actually, the whole thing now gets rushed off in three months; thus clearing the deck for soccer, boxing and concerts.
‘Me and my best friend Jack’ (Part 2)
I brought Jack to Croke Park again last Sunday. A lot has changed in those nine years. A much larger Jersey and the grandfather now has to look up at the grandson. Yes, things much different this time around; and while we were heading for Dublin Jack’s mother had her cherished Mayo flag waving gently from her grave in Killulagh. On Sunday 17th September 2017, I took my Mayo grandson, then aged ten, to his first All-Ireland football final.
‘The times they are a-changin …’
Bob Dylan wrote and recorded a famous song back in the 60s; ‘The times they are a-changin’ . Bob is still around today and if he had a hankerin’ to write a sequel to his iconic song, climate change would surely have to feature as the great time-changer. Bob Dylan wrote and recorded a famous song back in the 60s; ‘The times they are a-changin’ .
‘I have nothing to wear …’
‘I have nothing to wear’, my always-elegant wife announced again last week after we had been invited to meet a gathering of family and friends. This time I decided to take a stand, state the obvious and rest my case. Comaskey – You cant be serious Now don’t get me wrong … and I wouldn’t wish this on anybody; but going on what we hear all around us the wonder is that half the women in the country heading for a night out aren’t exiting the house pure naked – or at best scantily clad.
Are you ‘smart for your age?’
You may have difficulty in crediting this, dear reader, but I was once known as being ‘smart for my age.’ Then obviously and inexplicably something went awry with the head cogs and all changed – but we’ll return to that in a moment. Comaskey – You cant be serious You may have difficulty in crediting this, dear reader, but I was once known as being ‘smart for my age.’ Then obviously and inexplicably something went awry with the head cogs and all changed – but we’ll return to that in a moment.
You Can’t Be Serious
It’s all about you this week! This week, dear reader, YCBS is all about someone you know well … yourself! We start here this weekly effort with a blank white sheet of paper as we have done for the past twenty years. As is sometimes the case, I start off not knowing what I shall write about. The funny thing is that I need a deadline to reboot the brain … and I need you – the most important part of the story! I often picture a few of our regular readers in order to get the ink flowing.
Newly discovered animals …
Comaskey – You cant be serious I’ve definitely heard it all now, folks; and as soon as I learn something new, I want you to know firsthand. File this one in your ‘world gone mad’ folder. You already know that in this modern world anybody can claim to be anything they fancy. This one that I am about to tell you reminds me of a newspaper cartoon I saw during an outbreak of the ‘Mad Cow Disease’.
It’s how you play your cards …
Comaskey – You cant be serious It only costs a couple of Euro, but surely must rate as the greatest pleasure-giving value for money in the entire world. We refer to your ordinary, simple deck of cards. The range of card games played with similar packs is truly astonishing; and the more you think about it; isn’t the ingenious make up of the four suits and 52 cards truly mind-boggling?
AI was always about getting screwed …
‘I need to phone the AI’, I would announce on many a morning from April to July, after I arrived in for my daily fry-up after the morning milking. This is a long time back, but just as vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday – especially the hearty calorie-laden breakfast prepared by Mrs Youcantbeserious before her and the kids headed for school! The AI station was in Athboy. Getting the call in early insured that the AI man would call that afternoon.
When Mullingar boomed in Beijing
Comaskey – You cant be serious Annabelle Zurbay is a current Olympian with strong Westmeath connections. Reading about Annabelle on the front page of last week’s Examiner; as I marveled at her achievement, the story also transported me back almost 17 years to an Olympics where Westmeath punched well above its weight on the international stage. Olivia O’Leary, one of our truly great journalists, was speaking when I turned on the radio on a recent Sunday morning. When Olivia talks, people listen.
You Can’t Be Serious
‘How do you like your tea …?’ On RTE News today, a weather expert spoke about the devastation and inconvenience of power-cuts caused by the storm. In the midst of all the harm done through electricity outages, the man remarked; ‘and of course the cup of tea is vital in Ireland!’ The British are known for their love of tea, although England was actually a late comer to the tea tasting thing.
You don’t need to train like an Olympian to be fit and healthy
Parking the car some distance from your destination also ensures you exercise your brain trying to remember where it is! Comaskey – You cant be serious In the world of health and fitness, the most difficult resolve to maintain is using the gym; I know this from the falloff at this time of year when I owned a gym. If the gym works for you – good for you. The rest of you come with me please.
Donald Trump kicks a late winner
Off the bench, arms raised clapping the spectators, appears an old guy with a fake tan and a red baseball cap. The stadium announcer names the sub simply as Donald Trump Comaskey – You cant be serious In the fullness of time, history will give its verdict on the year we just put to bed. One thing is certain and that is that 2025 will be regarded as one of the most bizarre years of all time. Breaking news broke so fast that the last story got buried before the next one could be digested.
When an umbrella is more of a curse than a convenience...
At one time the umbrella was regarded as a luxury item and generally reserved for royalty and as far as this writer is concerned, royalty should have kept them. Comaskey – You cant be serious Excuse me, but I may be in a minority of one here. I have never read or heard of anybody else saying a bad word about an umbrella.
‘Why didn’t I think of that …’
Old Irish sayings have been widely quoted here; but this week we look at some of the old folksy American witticisms. Comaskey – You cant be serious With all the mendacious modesty we can muster here; I feel I have the perfect opening to tell you that there is a quote attributed to yours truly from YCBS in Gerd de Ley’s book; ‘Irish Wit, Wisdom & Humour’, published in the USA. I hadn’t known about it till a reader emailed me, a long time back.
The case for sleeping on the job!
. This quick shut-eye doesn’t just rest your brain, but like its sister, the siesta; it improves your physical health as well Your boss won’t like this one – but hear me out please. I have worked in jobs where an employee was sacked for sleeping on the job. Maybe if everybody concerned was equipped with the knowledge of what I am about to divulge to you, dear reader, those who were fired for napping at work may have a strong case for unfair dismissal.
Is ‘the use of reason’ any use in today’s world?
How can anybody apply ‘the use of reason’; how can they tell right from wrong when the true facts are not being reasoned in the first place? Comaskey – You cant be serious One of the first things I learned in Johnstown school was to do with ‘the use of reason.’ We were taught that ‘the use of reason’; as in knowing the difference between right and wrong, came as part of the package on reaching my 7th birthday.
‘Needing eyes in the back of your head …’
There was never a parent who raised any sort of a child, who didn’t declare at some point; ‘you would need eyes in the back of your head to watch them.’ Then as soon as the child settles into school, he or she would discover to their cost that it was the teacher who had eyes in the back of the head! A certain lady I know, who shall be nameless here, has proven time after time to have that uncanny power of having eyes in the back of her head.
‘This land is your land; this land is my land …’
But first the news headlines – being how they announce things in better places than here. Stop worrying; we are all going to be OK, we are all going to be grand. The good news is that for the first half of this year, renewable energy overtook coal power to become the largest source of electricity in the world. This ‘switch’ (nice pun) has been helped greatly by a breakthrough in battery design which has played a massive part in improving efficiency.
Bagging the benefits of denying the damned to the Devil!
I have it nailed, Lads! You won’t believe it, but the answer came to me like a bolt out of the blue … or was it a targeted tongue of fire, during a mass last week. You remember the churchly conundrum that none of us could solve? Well, you are about to find the answer down here in the small print. For those of you just joining us; ‘The Lads’ are a motley collection of diverse lost souls, constantly seeking answers and giving advice.
‘Making the right mistakes …’
Con Houlihan was not only the greatest sports writer of all time, but his perceptive musings strayed far outside the world of sport. He was unique in a number of ways and definitely changed how many commentators covered sport and his style has influenced successive writers to this day.
Finally ‘letting the fire go out …'
If I asked you to paint a picture in your head of an ‘open fire’, you would probably see an image which evokes warmth, comfort, hospitality and romanticism. Such a picture represents a connection to the past, where its charm continues to endure. Most Irish people, of a certain age, fondly remember gathering around the kitchen fire as children; with nostalgic recall of listening to music, telling stories and perhaps even reciting the family rosary.
The secret lives of serial snorers…
There I was, sitting in my own armchair, in my own house, one eye on CNN news, a freshly brewed cup of coffee to my left, writing pad on my knee, pen in hand – and wearing my tranquilo face. You get the picture … as I started doing a rough draft for this week’s YCBS. The deliverer of two marietta biscuits asked casually; ‘what are you writing about this week?’ ‘Snoring’, I replied.
‘Going to the pictures …’
Mrs Youcantbeserious and I had the youngest half of our grandchildren brood all to ourselves out in Irishtown, for a couple of weeks over the summer. No need to tell any of you how things have changed in regard to entertaining children now as against the olden days. ‘Limit their access to iPods and TV’ we were instructed by the parents. So, they came with all these gadgets and knowledge of technology that makes an old guy like me look like a stone-age buffoon.
Do you believe in God?
I thought that heading might grab your attention! However, this is a serious and fundamental question that you might need to face up to. We have been prompted to delve into this pivotal subject by two separate newspaper pieces I came across in the past few days.
Big beasts don’t have to be brutes
The elephant, weighing perhaps six tons, is the largest animal on earth. Yet this favourite of creatures is one of the most gentle and caring beings on the planet. I just read a piece outlying how a full grown elephant can be transported by plane from India to America. The animal is placed standing in a huge crate. Now, if this massive creature decided to shuffle and shimmy about in its cage, the balance of the plane would be affected big time.
Have you built your bunker yet?
Has the thought yet crossed your mind, dear reader, about building a bunker in your back garden or underneath your house? In this weird and crazy world we now find ourselves inhabiting, one of the fastest growing businesses in America is professional Bunker Building Construction. Particularly among rich folk there is a rush to install a bunker to save them from the Armageddon they see on the horizon.
‘Messin’ around in the river …’
We didn’t know too much growing up in the 1950s. We knew what was on the wireless; what we would be allowed listen to – and what we would not. We knew about learning the Three Rs at school; and we knew about hurling, hunting and fishing. We knew about climbing trees, ‘turning the wildcats’ and about roaming through fields, woods and bogs. We knew nothing of calculators or school transport – and it is far removed we were from iPods, smart phones and video games.
Sharing several short and shocking shaving stories …
The act (or art if you prefer) of shaving is something that a majority of men perform at least a few times a week. When you look back at pictures of men in the long ago you might be inclined to think that shaving is a modern phenomenon. Not so, dear readers; men have been shaving hair off their faces for thousands of years. From an early age we are fascinated by shaving.
Writing releases a rare rapture
One of the most frequent questions I am asked is; ‘how do you come up with something different to write about every week’. My reply is that this is easy; I picture myself back in school and the teacher saying, ‘I want you to write a composition and you can write about anything you like.’ An easy one … First of all, please believe me when I say that this week’s offering is not meant to be about ‘blowing my own coal’.
What a difference a century makes!
You Can’t Be Serious Do you know something? Of course you do. Do you know what I am about to tell you? How could you … Most of you are too young to realise this, but I’m telling you that when you get to my age it dawns on you that a hundred years is not a long time at all. Either ancient or modern history will teach the same lesson; a single century is not a long time! Let me put it to you this way.
Could this be my next big gig?
Every employer you talk to will tell you how difficult it is to find staff. In fact, it isn’t just employers; everyone has the same story … ‘it is impossible to get anyone to do anything! Now you would imagine that certain jobs would be easy to fill – especially one loaded with prestige and a good salary to boot. What would you say if I told you that a job paying half a million a year, with a starting date next November isn’t attracting any interest – at least at time of writing this?
Whisper it … the Leaving Cert doesn’t matter.
Jack, my adorable, laid-back, 6’ rugby star, grandson, is on the starting blocks for this year’s Leaving Cert challenge. The Brennan household, like thousands of similar families across the country has been echoing with the word ‘study’ for most of this year. There is a lot of stress and tension in all these homes right now; totally unnecessary stress and tension – if only those involved would realise it.
A tribute to the train
I watched ‘Murder on the Orient Express’ on TV recently. A lot has changed since the last time I viewed that same film a generation ago. One thing that hasn’t changed is the appeal of the train. Quite honestly, I feel that the storyline of the film isn’t worth the hype it received – but the grandeur of the train is what draws people towards the movie. I am a born-again train lover.
Your doctor knows you inside out …
About 30 years ago a young doctor, new in town, walked into the Squash Club. Those were heady days to be an Offaly man with a love of hurling and keeping fit. We connected from the start and that man and I have been friends ever since. There are a few people we all meet during a lifetime that we can say it is a blessing and a privilege to know.
Everyone should have to wear a name-tag!
I attended a wedding on Saturday last. The marriage of Anne and Peter was a beautiful ceremony, on a beautiful day, and a shared joy for those of us privileged to be there. Come to think of it; I love weddings and I cannot fathom how some people say, ‘I hate weddings’. I hate funerals – if you want to know; but weddings are the opposite in terms of emotions; happiness begets happiness and I am therefore a fan of happy events.
You Can’t Be Serious
‘An ounce of breeding is worth a ton of feeding …’ I know a bit about breeding. (Ah Lads … let the dead rest!) When it comes to livestock, canines – and in fact all types of animals; breeding is the key word. It is similar with crops, plants and flowers with producers constantly striving to improve the strain through good breeding practice. For example, entirely new breeds of potatoes have been developed over the years.
You Can’t Be Serious
‘You never miss the water till the well runs dry…’ We take water for granted in Ireland. I have heard many people proclaim over the years that; ‘whatever problems we may have in this country, a shortage of water will never be one of them. Now, amidst all the uncertainties of the strange times we live in, I am not so sure about the water. A recent report in the ‘Westmeath Examiner’ included an appeal from Uisce Eireann to the people of the greater Mullingar area not to waste water.
You Can’t Be Serious - ‘If God meant him to be a referee, he wouldn’t be wearing glasses!’
Christy Ring famously said that hurling only counts after the cuckoo comes. Anyway, cuckoo or no cuckoo we have entered the serious season of GAA activity. A thought occurred to me at a recent match and I feel that after presenting the evidence to you, dear reader, you will agree that it is strange how professions seem to attract a certain type of person; totally unsuited to the job! A quick example is the gardai.
Maybe you are the ‘other half’ to the other half?
You Can’t Be Serious Along with the news items and welcome sporting pieces that arrive on my smart phone, there is a lot of stuff that I never requested which includes various items; some funny, occasionally of interest; but often totally infuriating rubbish. It is one of the latter categories that is on my mind at the moment. ‘Is 350K enough to retire on?’ Followed by; ‘Do you need 500K for your retirement?’ What planet are the people who write this stuff holed up on?
You Can’t Be Serious
My final plan … We hold nothing back in this column, dear friends. Sometimes you get told stuff that not even my own family knows about, and this week we bring you such a disclosure. I am about to reveal what my final words will be on my death-bed! I had a good friend in Spain, the late Joe Varden, of a well-known Galway family. Joe was a hugely successful pharmacist and was married to the equally special Gertie Tynan from Mullingar.
You Can’t Be Serious
‘You’ll be grand … just run it off!’ One of the Lads sent me a WhatsApp photo recently that is worth a second glance. It is a genuine photo taken at the top echelons of English soccer sometime in the 1930s. Arsenal player, Ted Drake, is being carried off the pitch unconscious. The player is draped across a man’s shoulder, assisted by two others. Arms and legs dangling, Ted was clearly dead weight. So far, so bad; now pay full attention please.
You Can’t Be Serious
When the ‘Examiner’ carried much more than news! We wrote in a previous YCBS about the happy part that comics like the ‘Beano’ and ‘Dandy’ played in most of our young lives. My Aunt Betty, who lived in London with her husband, JB and son, Sean; used send us the comics. But there was more to this conveyance of comics than met the eye: There was a darker underbelly – which we shall come to in a moment.
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