Dan Piraro
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Articles by Dan Piraro
Piraro Scrounges For A Snack
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Piraro Is Polyvalent
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Piraro Knows How To Optimize
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Piraro Knows How
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Piraro Quits Smoking
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Protecting My Formerly Second-Favorite Organ
In Woody Allen's iconic movie, Sleeper (1973), his character awakens from a cryogenic state in the distant future to a totalitarian world that intends to "electronically simplify" his brain into compliance. In his classic nebbish style, Woody replies, " My brain? That's my second-favorite organ! " For the rest of the film, he attempts to evade the government and save his brain. In recent years, I've found myself in a similar situation.
Divorce Can Be the Secret to a Successful Marriage
My first marriage had catastrophe written all over it. We were barely 21, and we had known each other for only six months when we decided to take the plunge. (I blame mid-century Hollywood rom-coms.) Our wedding invitation should have included a warning sign on the cover beneath the doves and flowers: " Danger! High voltage," " flammable material," "toxic chemicals," "fenced area full of rabid badgers" - any of those would have been appropriate.
How to Have Fun with Haters
How to Have Fun with Haters I’ve been writing and drawing the daily newspaper cartoon Bizarro for over forty years and have gotten a lot of responses from readers. Here’s an example: When this one came in, it felt like a slap in the face. I wasn’t sure how to respond, or if I even should. Gore Vidal once said (not to me), “It’s not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” Humans are competitive by nature. We don’t just want to be good at something; we want to be better at it than others.
Authentic Idiot, or Only Pretending?
COMICS The fate of the world may depend on it Comic by the author. All rights reserved Some years ago, there was a common meme about a certain president: Somewhere in Texas, a village is missing an idiot. Oh, those were the days — when any given village had only one idiot. Sadly, these days, much of the Western world seems to be in an I.Q. slump.
Life Lessons from a Cranky Asshole
The ongoing gifts of an incurable curmudgeon I’ve been a cartoonist and writer for long enough that I am blessed to have followers. If you are one, I bless you back. While I despise the internet for spreading dangerous lies about every conceivable aspect of existence, I love it for providing easy and immediate contact with my readers. Most of them send me lovely notes about something I've drawn or written that they appreciate.
The Most Sublime and Dangerous Products of Evolution
Blessings and abominations abound Birds are my favorite invention of our incredibly creative planet. I admire their beauty and envy their freedom from the laws of gravity. My least favorite emissions of evolution are fantastically awful people, of which there are many very public examples of late. Those members of our species often make me wish I were a bird. When something bothers a bird, it spreads its wings and disappears into and onto thin air. Wouldn’t you love to be able to do that?
The Sexy, Boring World of Being a Playboy Cartoonist
Being paid to think about sex can be less fun than you’d think What’s funny about sex? Almost everything, when you think about it. We humans spend most of our time trying to look cool and in control in every situation. And we all want to be “sexy.” Nothing punctures that balloon like the salivating, barking monkeys with pants around our ankles that we become in the throes of reproductive passion. We giggle when we see other animals clumsily humping in the wild because we recognize ourselves.
Being Dragged Kicking and Screaming into the Future
Should we be afraid? My grandfather was fascinated by inventions and had a lifelong subscription to Popular Mechanics magazine. For most of his life, he was eager to try whatever new gadgets he could afford. But his attraction to the world of the future had its limits, which eventually became hilarious. In 1970, my dad bought one of the early telephone answering machines. It was a crude device — a plastic box with a miniature cassette tape and four buttons.
Going Broke in L.A. for Want of a Hieroglyphist
Bootleg Humor Since 1720. The premier place for funny — the fastest growing humor pub on Medium. Experience the MuddyUm difference. We support all types of humor and comedy writing and illustrations. We publish fast. We edit well. Run by a ship full of Pastafarian Pirates. Follow publication Comics Where’s Alan Turing when you need him? As a syndicated cartoonist since 1985 (Bizarro), I’ve published over 14,000 jokes.
That Time I Accidentally Became a TV Star
At first exciting, eventually embarrassing The day after Thanksgiving 2011, I hurriedly packed a handful of the possessions I’d accumulated in my half-century of life — mostly clothing and art supplies — and left NYC and my second marriage like a refugee fleeing a war zone. I don’t mean to diminish the terrifying, deadly experiences of actual refugees in flight, but my marriage of nine years had become as close to a war as I ever want to get.
Confessions of a Poorly Drawn Cartoonist
Bootleg Humor Since 1720. The premier place for funny — the fastest growing humor pub on Medium. Experience the MuddyUm difference. We support all types of humor and comedy writing and illustrations. We publish fast. We edit well. Run by a ship full of Pastafarian Pirates. Follow publication Comics It’s what’s below the surface that counts The characters in the above comic are not very well drawn, but that’s the point. Have you ever felt “poorly drawn”? I confess that I have.
Bizarro Among Savages
How an email intended as a joke capsized my life By my mid-twenties, I had a wife and two young children. I was supporting them with a string of odious jobs reserved for the uneducated and unprepared. It was a classic “get rich never” scheme, and it was succeeding. To keep from losing hope, I drew comics in my spare time and wasted money mailing them to newspaper syndication companies. It was a long shot, but you never know, right?
How You Know the Devil Is in the Neighborhood
Member-only story You can hear him coming a block away Dan Piraro · Follow 5 min read · -- Four-year-old me taking a popsicle break with my first dog, Penny. Property of the author. Certain factions of some religious groups have a new enemy in the battle to save America’s children from a life of sin and an eternity of damnation: popsicles. They believe that the phallic shape of these popular diabetes-training tools is at least partly responsible for homosexuality. Oh my god.
“Those People” in the Wrong Underpants
Damn you for not being more like me! Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 5 min read · -- Midway through seventh grade, when I was thirteen, a kid from somewhere other than our town in Middle America enrolled in our school. He was from New York or New Jersey, judging by the sitcom quality of his accent. As our class changed into our gym clothes on his first day, someone noticed he wore boxer-style underwear.
The Black Terror & Red Salvation of Hell’s Orphanage
Mom abandoned me like a stray dog Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- Some folks have all the luck. With little more than good looks and charm, they seem to get all the breaks. They’re like purebred show dogs. That doesn’t describe me at all. I’m a mixed-breed stray. I’m average-looking and was painfully shy as a child. I’ve never aced an interview with my easy-going charm or won an election with my commanding confidence.
The Bible Belt and Other Fashion Accessories of the Apocalypse
Comics Unfortunately, there’s no avoiding the negligee The Bible Belt I was raised in a part of the United States called the Bible Belt. Many of the people there seemed to think the Apocalypse was nigh. (That’s a religious word for “near.”) I didn’t know what they meant back then, but I’m starting to get the idea. The Bible Belt is a band across the southern U.S. so named because the majority of the population is very Bibley.
Being Famous Isn’t What You Think
It can even kill you Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- Whenever a celebrity dies of an overdose, it compels me to think about the strange phenomenon of fame and what it can do to us. Matthew Perry died in this way in 2023. He had been known to say, “No one wanted to be famous more than I did,” and I can relate to that. When I was growing up, I wanted to be that famous, too.
Is How a Woman is Built the Most Important Thing?
Comic Relief Do you prefer wood, bricks, or vinyl siding? Some years ago, when I was between marriages, a friend wanted to set me up with a woman whom he said was “built like a brick shit-house.” I didn’t want to seem stupid so I nodded and smiled as though I understood, as if he’d commented on how difficult it is to teach your dog to do your taxes. I don’t know why I pretend to understand things I don’t.
My Duck’s First Sexual Proposition from a Stranger
I wish my mother hadn’t been there Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- I attended high school in the early seventies: platform shoes, bellbottom pants, halter tops, long hair, afros. It was only a few years after America’s famous “sexual revolution,” but that wouldn’t reach our small Oklahoma town for another couple of generations. Its delayed arrival led to an uncomfortable encounter witnessed by my mother, which I’ll get to in a moment.
Suddenly I’m One 6 Short of the Antichrist and Autistic
And I could not be happier about it Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 8 min read · -- I recently had my 66th birthday, which makes me one 6 short of the Antichrist. And, after what I can statistically assume is “most” of my life, I have recently discovered I’m autistic. What?! Me?! Sixty-six effing years old? Yes. And autistic? You bet. Let’s take a step back.
Throwing Ourselves Out of the Garden of Eden
Searching for the balance between tranquility and terror Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 6 min read · -- As I stroll along a serene Pacific paradise leaving footprints in the sand, a hurricane-force firestorm is destroying much of Los Angeles and its environs. My wife was born and raised in the L.A. area, and I lived there for five years before moving to Mexico. It is where we met.
Beautiful and Indecent
The illicit status of the human body What are you wearing? You may associate that question with sex, but this isn’t about that. A better question might be: Why must we wear anything? As I write this, it is winter and I’m wearing clothing because I’d be cold if I didn’t. But even when it’s hot enough to bake my brain like a rotisserie chicken, I’m wrapped up in a couple of layers of fabric. Other than dogs in stupid sweaters, we’re the only species of animal that does this. Why?
Does Posting Your Honest Thoughts Make You Queasy?
The importance of exposing yourself in writing and relationships Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 5 min read · -- Have you ever written something that made you nervous as you considered hitting “post”? I certainly have. As a syndicated cartoonist, my work has appeared in hundreds of newspaper markets for decades, and now all over the world via the internet.
My So-Called “Disability” Turned Out to be My Greatest Asset
Children have no idea when they are neurodivergent (and nor do their parents) Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- “Danny has a problem paying attention and following instructions,” read the damning note scrawled across my report card. My parents lectured me, but… I wasn’t paying attention. Being different has always been stigmatized. Most of us outside the norm strive to “fit in.” But should we?
Either You Fire That Guy, or I Quit!
“I’ll be sorry to see you go,” was not the reply I was hoping for Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- In my very early twenties, I was tired of busing tables and delivering pizza, so I applied for a job as an ad designer at a luxury department store chain. I’d been praised for my art skills as a kid, but I had no design experience or education in art, design, or advertising.
Piraro Goes Bowling
Sign-up for free cartoons every week from Funny Times By signing up you confirm that you are over the age of 16 and agree to receive occasional promotional offers from Funny Times. We will not share yoru email address with outside parties. You may unsubscribe or adjust your preferences at any time.
The Truth About My Biological Origins
Thoughts on my trip down the birth canal Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 7 min read · -- Family photo owned by my family If memories before age three are a sign of extreme intelligence, I may be a genius. My earliest memory is of being wrapped in a large cloth diaper, picked up by a stork wearing an old-fashioned postman’s hat, and flown to my parents’ house.
I Live in the Garden of Eden - How About You?
The profound benefits of discovering the weird outdoors Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 6 min read · -- I’m not what you’d call an outdoorsman. Yes, I own some plaid shirts and a pair of hiking boots, but no, I’ve never backed a trailer down a boat ramp or frozen my ass off in a tree at dawn hoping something I wanted to kill would wander by.
The Mudpig’s Tale
As a matter of survival, we were forced to abandon a cherished family member in the wild Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 9 min read · -- Two years ago this month, Jemima — our dog of nine years — left us in a tragic, but strangely fitting way. I adopted Jemima eleven years ago, a month before my wife Christy and I started dating. She was found tied to a street sign in L.A. with a piece of yellow caution tape knotted around her neck.
A Plea for Anatomical Correctness
By Barbie and Ken (As told to Dan Piraro) Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 6 min read · -- When you meet someone you really like and they like you, how long do you wait to have sex? We have been a committed couple for over half a century and have still not “bumped uglies,” as a person not averse to inelegant euphemisms might say. This hasn’t been some kind of morality challenge on our part. The reason is simpler: We have no uglies.
E³ Q&A with Dan Piraro
I’m a famous cartoonist new to Medium Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 8 min read · -- Photo: Christy Higgins Since 1985, I’ve been a syndicated newspaper cartoonist in the US, Canada, and a few places in Europe — my feature is called Bizarro. I’ve won awards and published collections of my work, but I’ve always loved to write more than a single-panel cartoon allows.
The Same Unwelcome Houseguest
Dare I wish this jackass would stop coming by? Dan Piraro · Follow Published in E³ — Entertain Enlighten Empower · 6 min read · -- Photo: Jenny Warburg There is an obnoxious acquaintance on his way to my house soon and I’m thinking of shuttering the place and pretending I’ve moved away. He’s been here dozens of times and only stays for a day, but I hate him more each time. Friends hear he is coming and invariably want to drop by and pay their respects, but I beg them not to bother.
Galloping Phantoms & 14,000 Jokes
If a skeleton in a top hat galloped across your desk on a horse made of bones and shouted, “Follow me!” would you? At first, I smiled, waved, wished him luck, and then ignored him. But he kept coming back until he took over my life. Where do these damn things that pop into my head come from? For nearly forty years, I’ve been a syndicated cartoonist (Bizarro) with unceasing deadlines.
Laughter Is the Sound of God Enjoying Itself
Laughter Is the Sound of God Enjoying Itself One thing nearly forty years as the author and artist of the syndicated cartoon Bizarro has taught me is that there are plenty of people who think humor can damn you to hell. Gag cartoonists (as opposed to strip cartoonists) often have a stable of subjects they return to regularly: the psychiatrist’s couch, a desert island, and the Grim Reaper are some of the most common. One of my frequent topics has been the mythological versions of heaven and hell.
Bizarro - September 12, 2024 - Editor and Publisher
Latest E&P Exclusive Reporting Documented is an independent nonprofit newsroom reporting on and for New York City’s immigrant communities. The team produces a website and its flagship newsletter, “Early Arrival,” published three times a week. Documented is led by Mazin Sidahmed and Max Siegelbaum, who met while reporting in the Middle East. You can always learn something from a copy editor.
The Consequences of a Fear of Consequences
The Consequences of a Fear of Consequences Thank goodness we experience fear. It’s a natural defense mechanism against things that can hurt us. If we step outside and see a big snake in our yard, fear makes us run back inside and call someone who owns a lot of safari jackets. However, if upon second glance we realize it’s only a garden hose, we remember to water the rose bushes. No safari accessories necessary. Fear vanishes as quickly as it arises.
I’ve Been a Bad Boy
And my wife loved it. Until she didn’t. My wife Christy is an artist and writer with a couple of degrees in psychology. One of the essays she posted on her website is called “My Animus Problem — Part II: Bad Boy.” The Bad Boy she was referring to in this case was me, the most recent in her romantic history of bad boys. I think it is fair to say she put up with each of them until the “bad” part soured. Mine soured long ago, but we’re still together.
The Wisdom of Uncertainty
Things like the power of crystals, energy healing, homeopathy, a higher power, and reincarnation were all in the category of things not proven by science, and that’s all I needed to know. If science didn’t recognize it, neither did I. There were two fundamental reasons for my fervent stonewalling: In high school, I was certain I wanted to build my life around the arts: drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, music, theater, you name it.
Searching for Bohemia in the Suburbs
Are you living according to your “true self,” or according to a self you have created because you thought it would work better or be less troublesome? For that matter, is there such a thing as a “true self”?
Pardon My Odor
By Dan Piraro I admit I used to stink pretty much all of the time. And I was mostly unaware of it. But I'm happy to report that those days are gone. Long story short: I used to be a daily smoker of tobacco. Short story longer: In my first ten years of life - the 1960s - smoking cigarettes was extremely common. It seemed most adults did it, as did many characters in movies and on TV, and even talk show hosts and their guests would puff away on camera as they chuckled over witty anecdotes.
How to Worry Less About the World
By Dan Piraro It's a politically scary time on planet Earth. But it's important to note that this is neither the first, nor the scariest time our species has experienced, by a long shot. You could fill a volume the size of the Manhattan phonebook (trust me, they were huge and the type was tiny) with a list of the catastrophes humans have caused and/or endured in our brief time here, but I won't attempt to cite them.
MYSELF AND I
By Dan Piraro After millions of years of evolution, of scratching survival out of solid ice and scorching desert, of building cities, societies, and governments, of seeking both justice and conquest, humility and power, of experiencing love and war and pestilence, of being brought to tears by music, books, art, and poetry, and of creating technology that can transplant a heart and safely transport us to the moon and back, we finally have a...
A Conversation with my “They” — Bizarro | Naked Cartoonist
My adult child K informed me that she is not cisgender. For thirty-something years I have assumed she was, but come to think of it, we’ve never actually discussed it. K does not see herself as exclusively female or male, but nonbinary. That’s her gender identity (not orientation) and that’s her reason for preferring not to be referred to as a woman. While her sexual orientation could still be heterosexual, it so happens that it is not.
Bizarro - June 5, 2024 - Editor and Publisher
Posted Wednesday, June 5, 2024 12:00 am Latest E&P Exclusive Reporting The University of Iowa insists on maintaining its status as a school that elevates writing. But it is also generating new opportunities for students. To that end, it now has more news publications to serve as a training ground for its journalists. The school’s student-run news organization is leveraging its nonprofit status to give students more opportunities while also saving two endangered rural newspapers.
Bizarro - May 23, 2024 - Editor and Publisher
Latest E&P Exclusive Reporting Libraries hold a special place in the hearts of many, serving as cherished institutions that foster connections within communities. But over the past few years, U.S. libraries have become a battleground for political wrangling brought on by right-wing conservative activist groups seeking to change laws and restrict access to books or remove those they deem offensive from school and public libraries.
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