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Articles by Ellen Vanstone
The Cosmos Brought Back My Ex. Did It Also Give Me Cancer?
I’m sitting in my car in an empty, unlit parking lot outside a decrepit warehouse between the railroad tracks and the Red River. It’s peaceful. You’d never know you were in the city, let alone a stone’s throw from its most notorious intersection, a tangled mess of merging arteries, randomly placed traffic lights, nonsensical turning lanes, and angry drivers. Locals call it Confusion Corner.
Ellen Vanstone | The Walrus
An unresolved fascination with the author of Wide Sargasso Sea leads to the remote island of Dominica, and, alas, to oneself
This Toronto writer took a massive dose of psilocybin to face Stage 4 cancer. It changed how she saw her final days
Ellen Vanstone had one last story to tell. The witty freelance writer for newspapers, magazines and TV — and one-time Star etiquette columnist — learned in 2022 she had cancer, and soon she was in stage four, with tumours in her brain and elsewhere. Her fight with the disease (she died last year) put her through arduous treatment regimens involving radiation and drugs, but as she recounts in her book “Is This a Funny Story?” there was one medication she was actually looking forward to: psilocybin.
This Toronto writer took a massive dose of psilocybin to face stage-four cancer. It changed how she saw her final days
Ellen Vanstone had one last story to tell. The witty freelance writer for newspapers, magazines and TV — and one-time Star etiquette columnist — learned in 2022 she had cancer, and soon she was in stage four, with tumours in her brain and elsewhere. Her fight with the disease (she died last year) put her through arduous treatment regimens involving radiation and drugs, but as she recounts in her book “Is This a Funny Story?” there was one medication she was actually looking forward to: psilocybin.
Rookie Blue
"Rookie Blue" - 44' - Canadá - Drama Puntúala Insertar Lo han conseguido: ya son policías. Ahora sólo tienen que aprender a comportarse como tales. Cinco novatos recién salidos de la academia aprenderán en la calle lo que es ser un agente de la ley. Upload: pelusa - Editar ficha Buscando disponibilidad en streaming Esta serie no está disponible actualmente en streaming. Descubre otros títulos. Aun no tenemos críticas de esta serie ¿Te animas a ser el primero?
This couple longs for cottage kitsch at their new build
In episode 4 of the Cottage Life Podcast Season 3, we’ll listen to an essay all about collecting classic cottage kitsch. Listen here or visit cottagelife.com for access to all of the episodes. Three years ago we went shopping for a cottage.
No Place Like Home: Discovering a Missing Connection to the Past
Ellen Vanstone | February 21st, 2022 On a visit to her hometown during the pandemic, Journalist Ellen Vanstone — pictured above at play with her brothers in Winnipeg in 1961 — discovers a missing connection to her family and past. Photo: Courtesy of Ellen Vanstone Can you go home again? Of course you can, barring restrictions caused by pandemics, pets, or partners in your life. The question is: Why would you?
No Place Like Home: How a Trip Home During the Pandemic Helped a Journalist Rediscover Her Need for Family
Ellen Vanstone | February 18th, 2022 On a visit to her hometown during the pandemic, Journalist Ellen Vanstone — pictured above at play with her brothers in Winnipeg in 1961 — discovers a missing connection to her family and past. Photo: Courtesy of Ellen Vanstone Can you go home again? Of course you can, barring restrictions caused by pandemics, pets, or partners in your life. The question is: Why would you?
The Reluctant Gardener: How TV Writer Ellen Vanstone Finally Discovered the Perks of a Green Thumb
Ellen Vanstone | November 20th, 2021 As she battles insidious intruders in the wasteland known as her yard, Ellen Vanstone’s thoughts turn to murder. Photo: Yuri Dojc I’ve never gardened. I’ve never much thought about gardening, beyond considering it a fine occupation for elderly gentlefolk in cosy English murder mysteries.
The Reluctant Gardener: How TV Writer Ellen Vanstone Finally Discovered the Perks of a Green Thumb
Ellen Vanstone | November 13th, 2021 As she battles insidious intruders in the wasteland known as her yard, Ellen Vanstone’s thoughts turn to murder. Photo: Yuri Dojc I’ve never gardened. I’ve never much thought about gardening, beyond considering it a fine occupation for elderly gentlefolk in cosy English murder mysteries.
Urban Etiquette: How do I ask my sick co-worker to stay home?
Dear Ellen, I work in a busy office, and lately, a lot of my co-workers have been getting sick with colds and the flu. The person who sits next to me seems to have a terrible cold. He is blowing his nose all day, coughing, and touching everything, like the photocopier and door handles. I am disgusted at the thought of all his germs around. I want to tell him to go home, but I have no authority over him. Is there a polite way to deal with sick people at work?
Urban Etiquette: When Ted comes to town, it means houseguest hangups
Dear Ellen, My friend Ted comes into town about two or three times a year so we have a weekend with Sue. Ted sleeps in my bed while I sleep on the sofa as Ted can't afford our guest suite. We hang around and have fun. Ted chose the eatery on the first night.
Urban Etiquette: Stranger sleepover keeping me up at night
Dear Ellen, I recently rented my spare bedroom to a “lodger” who is not a tenant under Ontario laws, which means I can ask him to leave with one month’s written notice. In our agreement, he’s allowed to host friends for dinner or some chilling, but no strangers for overnight hookup purposes and he needs to get my consent first for any sleepover guests. Does one need to compromise their boundaries to be a “nice” host? Urban Etiquette columnist Ellen Vanstone says no.
Urban Etiquette: Friend caught in the middle
Dear Ellen, I am single but I often socialize with some old friends who have been married for a long time. They have always bickered with each other, but lately I’m very uncomfortable with how angry and argumentative they act. I told one of them, who is my best friend from school, that I didn’t want to intrude on their private time, and maybe they needed time alone to socialize without me.
How to talk about cancer in a caring way
Dear Ellen, I’ve just heard a close friend has cancer. Do I say anything? And if so, WHAT? Sympathetic Friend Dear SF, Back in the day, when cancer was less often seen and more often fatal, a lot of people were afraid to say the word, calling it “the big C” or “the C word,” or just “politely” avoiding the subject altogether. Unfortunately, that left a lot of ill and lonely people with no one to talk to, making a dire situation even worse. Thankfully, that’s changing.
Urban Etiquette: How to talk about cancer in a caring way
Sympathetic Friend Dear SF, Back in the day, when cancer was less often seen and more often fatal, a lot of people were afraid to say the word, calling it “the big C” or “the C word,” or just “politely” avoiding the subject altogether. Unfortunately, that left a lot of ill and lonely people with no one to talk to, making a dire situation even worse. Thankfully, that’s changing.
The answer to manspreading: Move them with politeness
Dear Ellen, How do I tell a manspreader on public transit to take his “business” elsewhere? Squished and disgusted subway sitter Dear SADSS, I hear you, sister, if I may call you that, since I'm assuming you’re a woman. Though it does raise an interesting question: What happens when two manspreaders sit side by side, knees wide open, taking up leg space on either side as if it is their God-given right to air their “business” to all and sundry?
Urban Etiquette: The answer to manspreading? Move them with politeness
Dear Ellen, How do I tell a manspreader on public transit to take his “business” elsewhere? — Squished and disgusted subway sitter “I wonder how many years of my life I’ve spent twisting my legs and torso around on public transit to accommodate manspreaders? I bet I’ll have back problems when I’m really old,” writes Ellen Vanstone. (Ani Castillo) Dear SADSS, I hear you, sister, if I may call you that, since I'm assuming you’re a woman.
Urban Etiquette: Feel compelled to ‘groom’ strangers? Please use discretion
I was on a packed subway car recently when I noticed a woman in front of me was wearing her sweater inside out with the long sizing tag hanging down her back and wash tag visible on the side. Then, to her right, I saw a well-dressed man in an expensive-looking suit who had a smudge on the back where it looked like he’d rubbed against a dirty vehicle. I wondered if I should have said something? I know I hate it when I look in the mirror and realize I've had something in my hair or between my teeth.
Urban Etiquette: How to avoid cross words about crosswords
I’ve started a new job where I am very happy. During lunch break, I sit with a group of co-workers who I consider my friends. We talk about our lives to each other while filling out the daily crossword. The problem is one co-worker, let’s call him Mr. X, who starts filling out the crossword because his lunch break is first. He fills in many clues, then goes back to work. But a lot of his answers are incorrect. This really bothers me and I want to say something.
Urban Etiquette: Duct tape gift is a sticky situation
My husband and I immigrated to Canada 15 years ago and became friends with a group of local people. We invited all of them to my husband’s 50th birthday and everybody brought gifts. However, one couple didn’t show their gift, but just left a roll of duck tape with a sticker on the chairs where they sat. I found it after everybody left the house. In my culture, bringing such a cheap gift to a 50th birthday party is pretty rude.
Urban Etiquette: My co-worker called me out for wearing too much perfume
Recently at my workplace, a group of us were giving each other hugs after successfully finishing a year-long project. One of my co-workers commented on how much perfume I was wearing. She told me I was wearing too much and to cut down the amount to “two drops.” The scent I wear is very expensive and extremely subtle, so I don’t think she can accurately tell how many drops I’m wearing. I think it was extremely rude of her to comment. What is your advice?
Urban Etiquette: Is it disrespectful to my male bosses if I don’t wear skirts and heels to work?
I’m a middle-aged working woman who likes to dress well. I generally wear skirts and heels as a sign of respect to my mostly male bosses. But now that women everywhere have been so disrespected by the Brett Kavanaugh decision , I am only going to wear pants and flats. I will not teeter on heels for the patriarchy. Is this rude or right? If you’re looking for permission to impolitely topple the patriarchy instead of yourself, you’ve come to the right place.
Urban Etiquette: My houseguest replaces the toilet paper roll wrong
I have a houseguest who is extremely thoughtful and helpful. For example, he notices when the garbage or compost is full, and takes it out. But I notice he replaces the toilet paper roll wrong. He installs it with the paper coming out the bottom of the roll instead of over the top. I realize that might be his preference. But shouldn’t he notice how I do it and follow MY example in MY home? I don’t want to complain to him, but I’m afraid if I flip it around, he will feel it as a rebuke.
Urban Etiquette: The Squirrel Lady is ruining my front porch
I am a neighbour of yours, and I think you are familiar with the lady in our neighbourhood who frequently walks a small dog in the local park. You may also have seen her feeding squirrels in the area. The problem is, she often leaves peanuts on my front porch. We now have numerous squirrels gnawing at our window frames and front door. In fact, we recently had to pay a handyman to replace one of the gnawed window frames.
Urban Etiquette: The fine line between his property rights and any rule of etiquette | The Star
I walk through a townhouse complex to visit my friend. A guy who lives there put up a “no trespassing” sign, and recently told me I’m not allowed to go through. I've done my research and I have talked to friends that live in stratas and they tell me if you are just walking through that’s fine, there is nothing wrong. Meanwhile, he has told me off from his window, opened his door and tried to be King Kong, and even drives his van behind me and tells me what to do.
Urban Etiquette: Help! I have garbage neighbours, literally
My neighbours have been stockpiling rubbish and empty beer bottles and cans for the past few months at the side of their home and right in front of my front door. Needless to say small animals (raccoons mostly, but also cockroaches) come and go, but being new to the country, I don’t know how to approach the issue without seeming “snobbish” or annoying. Nor do I know what the city bylaws are.
Urban Etiquette: I do ... not want to gift cash to the happy couple
I’ve been invited to a niece’s wedding. She and her boyfriend are in their late 20s, and instead of presents, they’ve asked for financial contributions toward their honeymoon, which people can make online. I think this is very ill mannered. I myself treasure a number of beautiful things in my home that were wedding presents, and every time I use them, I think of the people who gave them to me. I don’t want to be lumped in with all the other “donors” who give money to my niece. Should I say something?
Urban Etiquette: Friends having a messy divorce? Don’t choose sides
My partner and I are close friends with another couple, but they are now in the middle of a messy divorce. A group of us have always gone up to our cabin together on Thanksgiving weekend, but now we don’t know what to do. What is the etiquette for choosing which spouse to invite to social events after a divorce?
Sometimes being a pal means listening, not lecturing, writes columnist Ellen Vanstone.
I have a friend who’s having some personal issues, so she ends up crying on my shoulder a lot, which is fine. That’s what friends are for. I’m writing because I don’t know how to deal with how rude she is sometimes. After listening to her complain for hours on end about her issues with a mutual friend, I try to give her advice about how to deal with him, but she never takes the advice and even takes offence when I make helpful suggestions.
Urban Etiquette: Help! I don’t want my photo taken
I hate having my photo taken, but it seems whenever I go to a family dinner or to the cottage, someone is shooting everything with their phone, then posting it on Facebook, Instagram or whatever. Can I ask them not to take my picture? Or at least demand that I have final say over which pictures of me they post? — Anonymous The other issue is vanity.
Urban Etiquette: My mom always picks on how I load my dishwasher
My mother is coming to stay for the long weekend, and I’m already anxious about the first fight I know we’re going to have: how to load the dishwasher. I love my mom, we get along great overall. But for whatever reason, I can’t stand her telling me how to load my own dishwasher. Am I a terrible person? Would it be rude for me to tell her how much her dishwasher interference upsets me?
Urban Etiquette: My older relatives don’t respect my boundaries
At every family gathering, my older relatives ask me questions like when I’m going to get married to my live-in girlfriend, whether we’re going to have kids, how much money I’m making and why we don’t have a house yet. So my question is this: What is the correct etiquette for dealing with rude older relatives who invade my privacy, disrespect my life choices and feel they have the right to interrogate me about deeply personal matters?
Urban Etiquette: How to master IRL Tinder etiquette
Last week, Urban Etiquette, aided by millennial online-dating veteran Mimi, offered beginner Tinder advice to a reader who was “looking for love” after ending a long, monogamous relationship. This week, we take our Tinder tips to the next level.
Urban Etiquette: How can I self-promote without losing friends?
I’m trying to drum up publicity for a book. Can I just email everyone I know? Should I do it during the work day, or are evenings and weekends okay? Should I dive right in or talk pleasantries? If I don’t hear back right away, should I send a follow-up email? Should I break the ice by liking all their not-entirely-cute baby pictures on Instagram first? — Beginner Self Promoter Elitism isn’t dead. But thanks to social media, it’s now totally acceptable for the rest of us to put ourselves out there.
All my eldest does is play video games. How can I motivate him?
I have two boys, one in Grade 12 and one who graduated two years ago (after doing a "victory lap"). Son One started college and then dropped out. He’s had a couple of jobs in fast-food, but now sits at home playing video games. Every day he says he’ll look for work, but there's never any action. I'm worried he’s setting a bad example for Son Two. I think they might be smoking pot on the sly. What should I do? I am a hard-working professional.
Urban Etiquette: I don’t shake hands, but I don’t want to appear rude
About five years ago, arthritis in my hands became a serious problem for me. Part of managing the pain is to avoid shaking hands, since the pressure (especially from men) can make me see spots and feel nauseated, sometimes for hours.
Is it rude to be on my phone when I’m with other people?
Recently my girlfriend told me it was impolite to have my phone out at a business meeting (we were meeting with our bank manager). Is this true? What are the rules around phones when I’m meeting with other people? Generally, the rules around phones when you’re with other people at meetings or meals are very simple. Your phone should be on mute and out of sight in the following situations: — When you’re sitting across from someone like a bank manager, asking for a giant loan or mortgage.
Urban Etiquette: Is there a polite way to drop an old friend? | The Star
I have a friend whom I’ve known since grade school. We have stayed in touch even though our lives took very different directions. I work in health care. She’s a stay-at-home wife (no kids) and has no interests except going drinking with friends. Sorry if I sound snobby, but I have no desire to participate in that lifestyle anymore and I’m not sure I still want the friendship. She still wants me to be the party girl I used to be but I’m not that person now.
Urban Etiquette: Is it a faux pas to ignore a knock at the door?
So when she didn’t show today, nor send any word of explanation, I returned home and considered the possibility she might just show up at my house (she’s exactly the kind of eccentric person who would do such a thing), with her usual litany of excuses (phone problems, someone else made her late, Mercury’s in retrograde). Coincidentally, I faced this very question today when a certain person I was supposed to meet downtown failed to show.
Urban Etiquette: Is it rude to leave in the middle of a speaking engagement?
I recently attended a speaker’s event at our local university. The tickets were quite expensive ($75) but the event was disappointing. The moderator asked superficial questions and the “celebrity” panellists delivered equally superficial, boring answers. I wanted to leave halfway through, but the person I was with refused to leave, saying it was rude. What do you think?
Urban Etiquette: How do I get the men I date to listen to me?
After years of marriage, I’m now a happily divorced woman and getting back into the dating scene. Unfortunately, the first two men I’ve been on dates with don’t seem to know how to converse. I spent most of each date listening to each of them talk about themselves without asking me a single question about myself. Is there a way to have a two-way conversation on my next date without being rude or interrupting? It’s not always rude to interrupt.
Urban Etiquette: Avoiding a faux pas at a fancy dinner
I’ve been invited to a formal dinner party and I’m worried about making a faux pas at the table. I feel like I should take a course in dining etiquette but I don’t have time! Is there anything I can do to avoid making a fool of myself in front of my betters? Hmm, as the saying goes, there’s a lot to unpack here! First of all, banish the concept of social “betters” from your brain.
Urban Etiquette: How can I be the least disruptive if I need to use the bathroom during a movie?
When I’m in the middle of the row in a movie theatre, and I have to go to the bathroom, is it better to go out one side of the row, and then return the same way and disturb the same people again? Or is it better to go out one way and return on the other side of the row, so I only disturb people on each side once? Yes, I know this letter is from you, because you asked me the exact same question at lunch recently.
Urban Etiquette: How do I ask for more room to move on the sidewalk?
I feel like I am invisible when I walk in the city. Groups of people walk toward me and don’t make room for me. I jump out of the way, but they don’t even notice or apologize. What is the correct way to ask people to please give me room to walk! Thank you, I’ve noticed this phenomenon myself. Individuals who would normally step politely around you suddenly become oblivious hooligans when they’re part of a group.
Urban Etiquette: Is it rude to bring uninvited guests?
Yes, it was a rude move on your friend’s part. Bringing along uninvited guests to someone else’s home can sometimes be a nice thing to do — if it’s a casual house party, and you all contribute to the food and drink. But if you’re invited to a formal dinner party, which someone has carefully planned, shopped and cooked for, and maybe even made up little place cards for, it’s extremely inconsiderate to bring along extra people unannounced.
Urban Etiquette: Should children remove their knapsacks on the bus?
I don’t know whether to be impressed or alarmed that you appear to allow your eight-year-old daughter to ride the bus alone. Perhaps she’s with an older child or sibling who can be trusted with her welfare, if not her backpack’s? But let us leave that for another day, And keep our eye on the current issue: backpacks. My daughter is eight years old with excellent reading skills.
Urban Etiquette: Why you’ll never say you’re starving again
I’m not sure your daughter has a leg to stand on in the manners department if her scolding is as rude and insensitive to YOU as you make it sound. But I’ll leave that for you to judge. In terms of her message, though, she has a point. I consider myself a progressive person, but my teenage daughter is constantly scolding me for how I use certain words. If I say “I’m starving,” she says it’s offensive to people who suffer from food insecurity.
Opinion | Urban Etiquette: Was dumping my boyfriend the right thing to do? | Metro News
I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months because I felt my feelings for him were not strong enough. I was really judgmental of him. I thought he bowled weird, he ate with his mouth open, he talked too much at times and his jokes were not funny. I began to focus on these small things even though for the most part he has the qualities I want in a man — he knows how to have fun, likes to try new things, is open-minded, incredibly intelligent.
Opinion | Urban Etiquette: I gave someone a gift and she gave it back — what do I do? | Metro News
I have a friend of over 30 years who recently invited me to a party. I took two bottles of wine and the gift of a traditional sweet my son made for the first time. She kept the wine but returned the sweet. I felt hurt and thought it was rude of her. She could have just thrown it out if she didn’t want it. What is the proper etiquette in a situation like this? Over many years of giving and receiving gifts, I have developed a set of rules to apply to any occasion.
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