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Articles by G. Brookings
Angry Biden Refutes Progressives Who Say He is Not Angry Enough
In a recent Biden speech in the wake of the Dobbs decision to strike down Roe v Wade, Mr. Biden invoked the political power of women, observing that “When tens of millions of womens (sic) vote this year they won’t be alone.” Prongscald admits he was at first puzzled by what seemed to be a remarkably obvious point, not really in contention. So, what did Mr. Biden mean, Prongscald wondered? Well, after a few drinks, the answer arrived just in time to enjoy the oncoming hangover.
A sexual time-out for Kim Kardashian?
Prongscald has lately found himself wondering why after 200,000 years or so of vigorous human coitus that the current era has become characterized by a mandatory, not to say Stalinist, regime in which all humans must be known chiefly by their sexual proclivities. If such a categorization was ever necessary, it seems like something that should have been done a long time ago.
Curious George Soros Goes to Hell
Tuesday, 8 February 2022 Having liberated most of those accused of crimes in large urban centers, Soros’ leftwing Open Society has found a new set of injustices to remedy, in Hell. “We have appealed to Satan to democratize the justice system in Hell.
Kamala Harris Wins Prestigious Escher Circularity Prize
In response to a Fox News reporter’s question whether it was time for the Biden administration to change its strategy on COVID 19, VP Harris, in evident frustration, replied: “It is time for us to do what we are doing and that time is every day.
Kamala Harris Demoted to T-Ball Journalism League
Saturday, 1 January 2022 With Harris’ latest effort to rehabilitate her political batting average widely seen as a dramatic failure, her dwindling team of strategists have decided to move on from the “softball” interview format to the T-ball interview format.
Biden Press Secretary Wins the Jabberwocky Award
Jen Psaki, chief defender and spokesperson for the Biden administration, has won another prestigious award for her work as Biden’s most successful flack. The Jabberwocky award, initially a sarcastic inside joke among the White House press corps, is awarded each year to the current administration’s most agile verbal acrobat.
Shocking Culmination of the Dialectic: Socialism Conquers Death!
According to a new article by scholars of the leftwing Brookings Institution, critics who are fond of deriding socialism’s supposed failures are the ones who fail, in that they stubbornly refuse to see “the big picture.” While pointing to the material defects of socialist states like Cuba, the former Soviet Union, China under Mao, and more recently, Venezuela, these critics miss the larger and more significant wave of progressive success in building the foundations of a more egalitarian...
Don’t Say it, MOFO! Banned-Assed Words from the Brandeis Banana Factory
The earnest and slightly lunatic young scholars of Brandeis University have published an annotated list of “oppressive” and “offensive” words that will be banned on campus and in all student communications media.
NSA Leaker Posts Raw Transcripts of Intercepted Tucker Carlson Conversation
Leaker’s Note: This obviously coded conversation was picked up in a secure railway location, in an area prohibited to the public. The speakers are being sought for questioning. Tucker Carlson has issued a statement denying that he knows these individuals or that he has been coordinating or colluding with them or the Russians. Experts are working to decode the text. Speaker 1: The world goin’ to hell, ain’t it? Speaker 2: (Inaudible reply or grunt).
Joey Chestnut, America’s Favorite Glutton, Wins Again
Joey Chestnut, who repeated his winning ways in this year’s edition of Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, accomplished the nearly miraculous and unbelievably revolting act of eating 76 full sized hotdogs and buns in roughly 10 minutes. It was another world record.
Facebook To Work with the NSA to Identify Domestic Extremists
Those who accuse the left and progressives of not knowing or learning from history have at last been utterly refuted. Facebook’s recent invitation to its users to expose and inform on one another for alleged “extremist” views proves the point.
NBA Commits to New Diversity Goals, Will Add More White, Hispanic and Asian Players
Many have observed that professional sports have lagged behind the current commitment to diversify government, educational, and corporate institutions. The National Hockey League, for example, is well known for its failure to recruit black players, with more than 90% of its players being White. And while everyone agrees that more needs to be done, it is the National Basketball Association that has finally moved beyond talking points with a bold program of reform.
Are Greeks and Italians whites, like really whites?
Yes, this is a real question, and one seriously debated in a recent UN Sponsored scholarly convocation at the request, it is said, of certain influential officials of southern European ancestry who wished to be classified as persons of color (POC).
New Super-Hero Based On Infamous Zoom-Guy Jeffrey Toobin Coming Soon
The next iteration of the fantastically successful world of Marble super-heroes will feature a new addition to the pantheon, the Toobinator, modelled loosely on the CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin, infamous for masturbating on a Zoom call with his colleagues. The studio boasts in its advance promotional materials that the creation of the Toobinator marks a new speed record in imagining and developing a big screen hero based on current news events.
A Second Helping of Lamb Tagine
Saturday, 20 February 2021 According to many experts, if you are ever tempted to coprophagia, or the eating of feces, it is by far best to have first eaten a solid meal of the fragrant middle eastern dish called Lamb Tagine. This dish, which I sampled recently myself, is a stew-like concoction of tender lamb chunks slow cooked in a sauce sweetened with apricots and set off by the wonderful middle eastern accents of coriander, saffron, cardamom, cloves and nutmeg.
Kerry Advises Out of Work Pipefitters to Eat Catsup
Thursday, 28 January 2021 John Kerry, Biden’s new Clean Energy Czar, and possibly the most annoyingly in-bred, elitist virtue signaling giant twerp of all time, recently looked down upon the thousands of out of work pipefitters from his vantage point five miles above Montana in the comfort of his private jet and found it worth his time to suggest that newly unemployed pipefitters alleviate their new idleness by taking up the manufacture of solar panels.
Seattle Cops Demand Antifa Justify Riots Or Lose Allowance
Tuesday, 26 January 2021 In Portland, where left-wing extremists shattered the windows of the headquarters for the Democratic Party of Oregon and graffitied its walls with anti-Biden messages, authorities are suddenly expressing dismay at continued violence.
Biden’s Surprising New Executive Orders Stun (Some) Americans
Apparently true to his word that he would not waste time merely legislating when executive orders would suffice, President Biden has issued a new set of far-reaching orders that will fundamentally transform America. 1. First, the southern US border will be opened fully and immediately.
Don Lemon Calls Out Nazis and Klansmen
Don Lemon, a CNN anchor unironically named after a bitter fruit, doubled down on his recent accusations against 70 million or so Americans who voted for Donald Trump, claiming that they are all Nazis and Klansmen. Given a chance to walk back this seemingly hyperbolic rhetoric, Lemon instead claimed that he “believed what he said,” raising a philosophical question of great interest to almost no one.
Toobin's Erection Stimulation Error
Tuesday, 20 October 2020 Jeffrey Toobin, famed legal analyst for CNN has been allowed to take time off from the job of belittling Trump to tend to “a small personal matter” says the network. The incident that sparked the trouble occurred during a CNN election show rehearsal, which CNN referred to as an “election simulation.” According to Toobin, he thought he had been asked to participate in an “erection stimulation” exercise, an honest mistake.
Most Powerful Two-Year-Old in the World Up for Adoption
Tuesday, 13 October 2020 The coming election in the US offers its citizens a stark choice between Donald Trump, the most powerful two-year-old in the world, and Joe Biden, a man visibly and painfully declining into senility. And if the polls are to be believed, the American people have wisely put their trust in senility by a wide margin. "But why senility," some are asking. Well, the answer is simple. No one really likes two-year-olds.
Chinese Communist Party’s New Chinglish Bible
According to China’s state-run Xinhua News Agency, the Politburo Standing Committee recently convened a meeting of scholars and “religious people” to begin the work of “making accurate and authoritative interpretations of classical doctrines to keep pace with the times.” The centerpiece of this campaign is a major new undertaking to revise the Christian Bible to make it more amenable to the rule of the communist party. Some examples.
Hate Getting a Bad Rap?
Saturday, 3 October 2020 While Americans can agree on almost nothing else, the idea that hate is just awful gets unanimous assent. Researchers affiliated with the George Soros Open Society report that random samples show almost no one willing to say that they love hate, or even like it. But why, when there is so much hate on display?
Progressives Turn to Satanism
Sunday, 27 September 2020 According to a woman quoted in The Huffington Post on Friday, it was the death of Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg that drove her to the dark side. “When Justice Ginsburg died,” said the woman, “I knew immediately that our civil and reproductive rights (were) in danger like never before. And, so, I have turned to Satanism.” “Well,” Joe Scarborough, an MSNBC commentator sputtered, perplexed at the harsh reaction of conservatives to this new development.
Waitress Grateful For Enormous Tip
Thursday, 24 September 2020 A New Orleans waitress received the shock of her life when presented with an enormous tip after serving a single male customer. “I had never seen anything as big as that,” Ashley recounted on her Facebook Page, where local news sources picked up the story. “It was huge, a little frightening at first, but in the end, it just made my day.
Millennial Film Review: Mel Gibson's Sequel to the Passion of the Christ
Tuesday, 22 September 2020 The New York Post reports that Mel Gibson has begun work on a sequel to his blockbuster film, “The Passion of the Christ”, which, for those unfamiliar with the Bible, tells the story of a carpenter from Galilee and twelve homeless men who follow him around. Spoiler alert, the carpenter, whose name is Jesus, turns out, in a twist, to be the son of God, not Joseph, his mother’s husband.
Philadelphia Eagles' Wentz Booed Off the Field By Cardboard Fans
Monday, 21 September 2020 In Sunday’s game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Los Angeles Rams, Eagles’ quarterback, Carson Wentz, was booed off the field after throwing his second interception of the game. While this was surprising, even more surprising was the fact that there were no fans in the stadium, unless one counts the thousands of cardboard cutouts that had been propped up in the stands.
Professor’s Death Wish for Trump Supporters is Kindly Meant
Sunday, 20 September 2020 Jennifer Mosher, a professor at Marshall University in West Virginia, was suspended last week after saying she hoped President Trump’s supporters would all die from the coronavirus. When the backlash hit, the professor explained, "I’m sorry, but that’s so frustrating — just — I don’t know what else to do. You can’t argue with them, you can’t talk sense with them.
Biden Casually Kills Off Two Thirds of Americans
Sunday, 20 September 2020 Yesterday, in a speech honoring the late Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Joe Biden took the opportunity to criticize President Trump for his handling of the coronavirus. According to Mr. Biden, by the time he finished his speech, about 200 million Americans, or nearly two thirds of the entire population, would have died of the virus.
Peter Strzok: Patsy or Patriot? Patsy.
Thursday, 17 September 2020 Former FBI agent Peter Strzok said on Wednesday’s broadcast of MSNBC’s “Live”, that history would see him and all the government agents that worked on the counterintelligence investigation into possible links between the Russian government and Trump campaign officials, as “patriots”. Asked to comment by Fox News’ Martha McCallum, History declined to confirm Mr. Strzok’s prediction, and said only that it was still thinking about the matter.
Biden Promises to Calm Hurricanes in His First Term
Monday, 14 September 2020 Speaking today from Wilmington Delaware, Presidential Candidate Joe Biden said, "Donald Trump's climate denial may not have caused these fires and record floods and record hurricanes, but if he gets a second term, these hellish events will continue to become more common, more devastating and more deadly." While Biden did not make clear why mother nature would become more docile under a Democratic administration, he clearly implied that if he, Biden, were elected, the...
Joe Biden: "I've Never Had an Original Idea."
At a press conference today, in Pennsylvania, Joe Biden defended himself against accusations from a Fox News journalist that he has a long history of shameless plagiarism, stealing others’ words, their ideas and even their family histories. “Who can say that they have ever had a truly original thought, something that no one else ever thought before? Can you?” asked Mr. Biden, giving the reporter the stink eye. “I’m proud to say that all my thoughts and all my words have been said before by others.
"We Believe!" DNC Press Release Highlights New Progressive Faith
Wednesday, 9 September 2020 For Immediate Release: Our opponents often boast of their faith and their belief in God. But progressives too have faith, a better and more inclusive faith that embraces science and modernity. For those progressives who have too often been accused of lacking a moral framework or belief in higher things, we offer the following five affirmation of our own faith. 1. Progressives believe in science.
Joe Biden, Being There
A great deal of ink has been spilled with arguments pro and con in the battle between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. But for all the heated complaints and invective, the contest will evidently be decided not on grounds of platforms and positions, but on the personal characteristics of the two men. Here are the ten most important reasons to believe that Joe Biden will win: 1. Women will vote for Joe Biden because Joe likes women. He likes the way their hair smells.
Congressman Adam Schiff Wins Prestigious Sisyphus Award
Tuesday, 1 September 2020 As if the last three years of accusations had been insufficient, and his fans in Cloud Cuckoo Land (otherwise known as MSNBC viewers) were demanding an encore, Congressman Adam Schiff has issued a new warning, that the Russians are back, and they are hoping, once again, to steal an election for Donald Trump. “The Russians are coming, again,” said Mr. Schiff, flatly. "And I have the new evidence.
It’s a Sad Sad Sad Sad World: A Review
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was sad. If anyone wanted to know why, she explained that impeaching the president was a sad but necessary thing to do. To reinforce the idea that she was sad, the Speaker of the House had donned a funereal, black mid-calf dress made of the finest sackcloth, with a matching ash-colored purse. She hardly needed to say that it was sad, looking like a pall bearer, obviously mourning the day the Democrats finally and reluctantly caught up with the great orange whale.
Ten Predictions Absolutely Certain to be True in the Next Decade
1. Baby Boomers, Gen Xers and Millennials will all age at least ten years, although everyone will be able to deny it, as the socialist administrations of Presidents Sanders and Ocasio-Cortez, will offer free botox to anyone who needs it. And they will need it, since the state, in an effort to promote the idea that we are finally living in paradise, will punish anyone who dares to look old, disgruntled or hungry.
Art Lover Eats Mona Lisa's Banana
At a recent Miami art show, a newly discovered Leonardo da Vinci sketch of Mona Lisa eating a banana sold for $1,200,000. But before the piece could be transferred to the new owners, a man posing for a selfie with the newly discovered work of the master snatched the centuries old drawing from the gallery wall and ate it.
Pope Francis Cancels Christianity
In a recent message from the Vatican, Pope Francis confessed that the Catholic faith has lately lost its mass appeal, and that, to regain adherents, Catholics must not be afraid to make bold changes, if not found a new religion altogether.
Scientists Deny PETA Claim That Meat Is Evil
A team of UK scholars have fired back at PETA and vegan activists’ claims that “meat is evil.” While conceding that our diets could use less meat, they warned that meat proteins are essential for the development of the young, especially in impoverished parts of the world.
Trump Invites Monty Python to Establish New York Media Outlet
In an effort to further press the failing New York Times and drive home his point that the “grey lady” of journalism is not what she used to be, President Trump has invited the Monty Python gang to move to New York and establish a parodic counterweight to the Times. Mr. Cleese is reported to be unseriously considering the offer. “I see his point,” Cleese admitted to reporters.
Britain, U.S. Plan Celebration of Special Relationship Following Expected Johnson Victory
In anticipation of Mr. Johnson’s expected landslide victory over the Corbyn-led Labour Party, plans are already underway for reestablishing closer relations between Britain and the U.S. The early parameters of a possible post-Brexit trade deal are still being defined, but symbolic and celebratory plans are reportedly well advanced.
Swalwell's Denials Fail the Smell Test
California Congressman Eric Swalwell, who rose to prominence during the Mueller investigation into the alleged collusion of the 2016 Trump campaign with Russia, principally by taking up residence on CNN where he earnestly assured everyone that he had seen clear and convincing evidence of Trump’s guilt --although he could not reveal it due to its secret nature—is now back in the news after an on-air digestive disturbance.
Good News for the Incontinent
Newly-elected San Francisco District Attorney, Chesa Boudin, son of 60s radicals jailed for bank robbery and murder, has declared certain “life-style" crimes off-limits for prosecution. Henceforth, in San Francisco, it will be perfectly legal to urinate and defecate in public, as well as to offer and solicit sex, although these acts must be performed independently and not at the same time to qualify for the exemption.
Two Percent Milk Slips to One Percent in Latest New Hampshire Poll
While Two percent milk has long been among the leaders in the Granite State when it comes to popularity among registered voters, a new poll by CNN News has shown a remarkably sudden and dramatic slippage, bringing the staple beverage into a dead heat with Democratic Presidential candidate Kamala Harris at around one percent each.
Popeye's Killer Chicken Sandwich
An Oxon Hill, Maryland man was killed yesterday in a dispute over a Popeye’s newly-released chicken sandwich, a deep-fried and batter-coated concoction so addictive to fast-food enthusiasts, that customers are literally willing to kill for it. According to police reports, the man, who was stabbed to death, had attempted to slice into the long line at the fast food counter and was quickly dispatched by means of a plastic knife left carelessly on a vacant table.
Carly Simon Recounts Yucky Trump Hug
Flogging her new book, “Touched by the Sun,” in an interview with Guardian magazine, Carly Simon recounted running into Mr. Trump at a New York social event long before he became commander-in-chief. After initially ignoring the singer, Simon claimed that, after a few drinks, Trump “was all over me like ugly on an ape,” a phrase that seemed insensitive to some, and sparked outrage among those predisposed to outrage and others who use outrage for purposes of capital formation.
Susan Rice Shits on A Graham
In a podcast with progressive provocateur Ben Rhodes, former Obama National Security Advisor Susan Rice, angry at Senator Lindsey Graham, held nothing back in her scathing critique of Graham’s views of the situation in Syria and, also, his past critique of her defense of the Obama administration’s actions during the Benghazi scandal. “He's been a piece of shit," Rice said. "I said it, damn it, finally.
Bobo O'Rourke Sounds the Alarm for the Whey
In a surprise announcement, Democratic Presidential candidate, Bobo O’Rourke, has plunged into the fray over the Syrian conflict with a new charge leveled against President Trump. “We know how shabbily Trump has treated the Kurds, using them as our allies to help defeat ISIS, and then betraying them as soon as the job was largely done.
Representative Tim Ryan's Immaculate Withdrawal
Ohio Representative Tim Ryan announced today that he is dropping out of the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential race. In conceding that he did not catch on with the American people. Ryan, nevertheless, said his campaign could take credit for “…giving voice to the forgotten communities and the forgotten people in the United States.” Baffled reporters, unaware that Ryan had been in the race, were forced to base their stories of his candidacy on hasty Yahoo and Google search results.
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