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Articles by Hannah Harkness
EARN IT: The Anti-Child Trafficking Bill That's Actually an Anti-Sex Work Bill
Hello, internet. Pearl-clutching buzzkill politicians are trying to pass a bill that claims to be anti-child trafficking that is really just an attack on sex work. Again! If you’re an online sex worker who has been at it for awhile, a new entrant padding your bills with OnlyFans, a client trying to douse the flames of pandemic-induced sexual frustration, or literally anyone who wants to keep their online interactions private (sexy or not), you have reason to be VERY worried.
Kill Your Ego Before It Kills Someone Else
by Hannah Harkness Hey there, you down in the dark! Thank you for taking the time from your long fictional sports conversation with the stick figure you painted on the wall of your rented apartment to read my article. Personally, I’ve been in a basement room of my apartment I share with 3 roommates, some pet rats, a three-year-old black lab, and a snake for a little over two weeks. This is not what is stressing me out. I got lucky, all parties concerned are delightful.
If Biden Wants to be President, He has to Stop Being a F***ing Narc
by Hannah Harkness Well, it’s finally happened. We’ve all reached a point in society where we are trapped in our homes due to a dystopian scenario being forced to smoke the whole pack of streaming services. The election talking points have now taken on a virus-y tone with the stakes on healthcare skyrocketing even further.
Beekeepers, Spelunkers, and More Baffling Meme Subcultures
by Hannah Harkness Social media has the ability to bring a community of people together to share extremely specific inside jokes. I know this because my algorithm largely shows me posts from stand up comedians, wrestlers/wrestling fans, and snake owners… which creates a confusing and terrifying timeline that routinely scares people looking at my phone in passing.
Why Even Your Young, Broke A** Should Have a Living Will
by Hannah Harkness Hi there! Is the impending war giving you an increased sense of mortality? Are you aware that there were more mass shootings than days last year? Are you watching all of the coverage of climate-change induced natural disasters? If you are, you shouldn’t need convincing to get a living will. Do you think that everything is fine and there’s no increased chance of you not living to old age? You’re wrong! But even if we agree to disagree on this, you should still get a living will.
10 Tips Just in Case You Want to See CATS on Acid
by Hannah Harkness I will start by saying that this is not a review of CATS (2019). If you want a review of CATS, use your old pal Google to find the flock of culture vultures currently circling this CGI nightmare. I do not presume to have any new analysis this late in the game, and I absolutely don’t have any new cat-pun based roast jokes.
Live Like NYC is Sinking Into the Ocean (Because It Is)
by Hannah Harkness Two years ago, my friend said to me “NYC is every Doomsday movie’s bitch-don’t worry about it.” This is because I told her, with conviction, that I wanted to move here before it sinks. While I love me a good disaster movie, I can’t put NYC sinking into the same unreality as the aliens razing buildings to the ground in Avengers movies.
Meet Scabby: Union Advocate, Revolutionary, Giant Disgusting Inflatable Rat
1593 Shares by Hannah Harkness Yesterday morning on my Twitter feed, a post from user @jaynooch popped up on my feed with a familiar sight for any city with organized labor: a giant inflatable cartoon rat with festering scab wounds on its stomach.
Finding Mental Health Care Drives New Yorkers Insane
by Hannah Harkness A year after moving to NYC, I tweeted out “I have an NYC therapist and a Philly therapist because only a Philly therapist understands what 30 years of living in Philadelphia does to your mind.” Like a lot of jokes on my Twitter feed, this was less of a joke and more of me trying to micro blog something that was deeply not funny in a way that wouldn’t blow up my phone with concerned phone calls when I wasn’t ready to talk.
Things to Do in NYC When You're Broke and It's F***ing Cold
by Hannah Harkness It’s that time of year again in NYC! The sunlight is dwindling, stores are starting their annual holiday display pissing contest, and freezing air is coming through wind tunnels between skyscrapers punishing us for ever believing fall would last more than 2 weeks! If you’re broke, this may seem like a cue to stay inside and try to figure out if the two streaming services you can afford are streaming something you *actually* want to watch (or remember your ex-significant...
The Weird, Wonderful World That is "Snakes of Instagram"
Guest Writer 2019-09-27 Sign up for the best newsletter EVER! by Hannah Harkness [Cover Image Credit: @alternativecritterscreatures, Model: @a_man_duh10] While cat and dog pictures are the rulers of Instagram pet content/memes, every kind of pet has their own subculture and their own internet baby talk... Just like the internet turned cat to kitteh and dog to doggo, bird also became birb and rabbit became bunneh.
The Strange Economy of Fake Urine
by Hannah Harkness One day, when I was relaying my usual drug-testing rant to a fellow stand-up comic, they responded “Oh yeah, and you can just jump those tests with fake piss anyway. I got a job at a children’s hospital doing that.” Before this point, I’d only ever heard of people dodging piss tests by bringing clean piss in with them from someone else or doing a detox drink/flushing their system by aggressively drinking water and green tea for several days and praying for the best.
I Work in HR - Here's Why We Should Stop Drug Testing - Broke-Ass Stuart's Website
by Hannah Harkness I’m not what people consider the type of person to go into Human Resources. Usually when you say “HR” you evoke the image of someone named Linda who is constantly ushering people to a break room in a sea of cubicles to eat sheet cake or telling you that your lateness is hurting workplace morale. If you’re basic, you pictured this. It does not invoke the image of a stand up comic in Doc Martens and a black hoodie with smeared eyeliner.
5 Porn Stars Doing Cool Things Other Than Porn
by Hannah Harkness I’ve learned a lot about the world by being friends with porn stars. At this point in history, we have more access to every single kind of porn than we could have imagined possible as recently as 15-20 years ago. This overexposure to porn makes major porn stars a weird underground kind of celebrity… millions of people have seen them (a LOT of them) but a shitload of them absolutely refuse to admit that.
A Brief History of NYC Islands Used to Banish People from Manhattan
by Hannah Harkness Manhattan is the most famous island in the world, so easy to forget that it’s part of an island archipelago.
Angry About the MTA? Let’s Talk About SEPTA
By Hannah Harkness This summer is being referred to as “The Summer of Hell” by MTA riders. Line closures, derailments, fires and late trains are making everything insane for public transit riders. A recent cover of The New Yorker depicts NYC’s feelings towards its mass transit. Image via this site. But as I look at the images of giant throngs of stranded riders popping up on my Facebook feed, I feel compelled to remind New Yorkers of how good they have it. Why?
10 Literally Insane Astrology Questions for the Hosts of the OrBits Podcast
by Hannah Harkness Elise Edwards (L) and Julia Schachter (R) host OrBits Podcast No online magazine would be complete without an astrology section, but we also want to be a publication that asks HARD CUTTING EDGE QUESTIONS! We at BrokeAssStuart reached out to professional astrologers/ comedians Julia Schachter and Elise Edwards with some tough questions to get the real dirt on how the stars make people tick! Julia and Elise host OrBits, a podcast where they determine the full astrological...
What Real Sex Workers Have to Say About SESTA-FOSTA
by Hannah Harkness “Since day one, I have pushed for the strongest, most effective criminal and civil tools possible to confront the horrific abuses of online sex trafficking,” – “H.R. 1865 with the Walters Amendment is the most effective way to empower victims, equip state and local prosecutors, and ensure websites can no longer traffic children with impunity.
Hart Island: The Little Known Place Where NYC's Nameless & Penniless are Buried
Some of Hart Island’s dilapidated buildings from it’s very disturbing past. Photo from The Kingston Lounge. BY HANNAH HARKNESS Why the hell don’t more New Yorkers know about Hart Island? There is an island off the coast of the Bronx that currently serves as NYC’s potter’s field-a site where unclaimed dead are buried. There are over a million bodies buried here. Some unclaimed dead such as homeless, Jane/John Does, or people without immediate family.
White Nationalists are Dumb, Weird, and Have No Style - Broke-Ass Stuart's Goddamn Website
Once upon a time, Nazis were well dressed men who usually spoke multiple languages and walked in tightly regimented formation. While they were horrible people committing genocide, they carried themselves like a normal military. This discipline was a part of their effectiveness and why they were feared and respected.
The Case for Aliens Living in the Ocean
Artistic rendering of a USO taking flight. Pic via this website By Hannah Harkness While I don’t claim to be an expert on Alien conspiracies and I wouldn’t consider myself a paranoid tinfoil hat wearer that knows the truth about everything, I have a theory that even the biggest skeptics don’t disagree with me on. If aliens are on earth and are trying to hide, a pretty good place for them would be the ocean. Also, in general, we have no idea what the hell is going on in the ocean.
So Your Hero is a Monster: Dealing with Disillusionment
By Hannah Harkness My Facebook feed lit up early last week with the familiar sight of my friends learning that their hero isn’t who they thought they were. This time around, it was Glenn Danzig. He defended Trump’s travel ban and said that Planned Parenthood shouldn’t be selling baby parts “like a chop shop in Brooklyn”. I watched the melodrama unfold, one share after another, comment after comment.
So Your Hero is a Monster: Dealing with Disillusionment - Broke-Ass Stuart's Goddamn Website
This time around, it was Glenn Danzig. He defended Trump’s travel ban and said that Planned Parenthood shouldn’t be selling baby parts “like a chop shop in Brooklyn”. I watched the melodrama unfold, one share after another, comment after comment. The reaction in my largely left-oriented news feed spanned from people saying they always knew he was a scumbag to people seemingly howling and clutching their Misfits shirts wondering if everything they love is a lie.
Hey, Jealousy? We Saw Gin Blossoms At SugarHouse
Story by Hannah Harkness, photos by SugarHouse Casino This summer 90’s fans in Philadelphia had a chance to relive their past. The Gin Blossoms brought their generation-defining alt rock sound to a high energy crowd at the . First signed in 1991, the Gin Blossoms emerged with their pop-rock sound during a time when grunge and hair bands dominated the radio.
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