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Articles by Kelly McMahan
Where none of it mattered, but all of it counted
Perhaps I'm still thinking about my latest economics exam, but sometimes I imagine plotting my college experience on a graph. Of course, I'll label the axes: assume time is on the "x" and quality is on the "y." I imagine hundreds of dots, each representing a specific personal event over my three-year undergraduate path. Some dots will be exceptionally high: my brother and I in downtown Amherst on the first warm Sunday of April.
Are you only being told the things you want to hear?
At the end of a long day, when the lights turn off and you're all alone, curled up in bed with your screen aglow, you might open Instagram or TikTok for a late-night scroll. What's the harm in a little browsing before bed? We often enter the mindset of scrolling with frayed nerves and over-stimulated thoughts - either from work or previous social content. The content algorithm knows this all too well. It caters to your true purpose for being there: to comfort yourself, perhaps even to self-medicate.
Comment sections are terrible
In the half-second before opening a comments section, a voice in my head says, “I don’t think we’re going to like what we’re about to see.” And it’s always right. Still, I regularly scroll to the comments section. It’s usually out of curiosity, but I’ve done it so often that it’s become muscle memory at this point.
Can’t you wait five minutes before packing up?
If you’ve attended a lecture at any point during college, you’re familiar with the “zipper symphony” that concludes each class. But if you need a refresher, allow me to set the scene. You’re in a 150-person lecture hall. The class ends in five minutes. The professor is in the middle of a sentence — and that’s when you hear the first backpack zipping up.
Weekly Playlist: Staff picks for Women’s History Month
“Not Strong Enough” — boygenius By Jamie Long, Collegian Staff https://open.spotify.com/track/72GNW1xKoi5BAhMYAW6e7e?si=32b18a1fda8f4777 The fourth single off the indie trio’s second album, “The Record,” is possibly the most quintessentially boygenius song they have released thus far. Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers and Lucy Dacus each have a verse on the song, lending their differing styles of vocals to the track, set against moody guitar and a bass more upbeat than the band’s usual mode.
Interview with Professor Susan Ware: Studying religion at UMass made me a better thinker - don’t be afraid to give it a try
Kelly McMahan sits down with her religious history professor, Dr. Susan Ware, to discuss religious studies at UMass and why it’s essential for college students to understand religion. By Kelly McMahan, Head Podcast Editor March 5, 2023 Read the article version of this story here.
Studying religion at UMass made me a better thinker - don’t be afraid to give it a try
It’s a funny coincidence that I discovered the song “Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode while taking a course on the history of Christianity. The refrain, “Reach out, touch faith,” played in the background while I wrote my essays. This ‘80s new-wave rock song felt like what I had been trying to do since entering college. I was trying to reach out, not necessarily to touch faith, but certainly to understand it.
Satire: Spire? I hardly know her!
Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. The Spire of yore is no more. Sadly, on Oct. 23, 2022, the Spire we knew and loved was shuffled from its digital coil and replaced with an “updated interface” imposter. Spire, the crown jewel of the information technology department and the ever-beloved object of my heart, was the online student portal hosting the University of Massachusetts’ digital bureaucracy.
September Highlights
2022 Archives Headlines Nothing/Unsaid Op/Ed Multimedia Opinion Opinion Podcasts Podcasts Scrolling Headlines The premiere of Nothing/Unsaid, a new podcast by the Op/Ed section! By Catherine Hurley, Kelly McMahan, and Liam Rue This is nothing/unsaid, a new podcast from the Massachusetts Daily Collegian Op/Ed section. For our first episode, we’re highlighting three columns published in September.
Satire: There needs to be more loud, open-mouthed coughing in the lecture hall
Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. Ah yes, the world’s biggest threat to the human immune system: college. Questionable dorm sanitation, a healthy average of five hours of sleep per night and, oh right, a global pandemic, have created a perfect storm of collegiate-grade pathogens that are afflicting students left and right.
The case for vanishing from social media without a trace
It’s been nearly three years since I vanished from social media without a trace. I wiped all of my accounts and deleted them — a process these apps made tedious and nearly impossible. I was bracing for the shock of going cold turkey, but instead, I felt as if some pervasive, dopamine-induced static was finally lifted from my brain.
Satire: Stop helping freshmen navigate campus
It wasn’t long ago when I was a freshman myself. Writing this article as a sophomore, I wistfully reminisce about those days while sipping a cup of Metamucil and resting my weary, geriatric bones. Arriving at the University of Massachusetts, I recall being overwhelmed by the expansive campus, wandering the sidewalks and dining halls like a child who lost her mother in the grocery store.
Satire: UMass welcome week succeeds in making everybody feel unwelcome
Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. Ah yes, the most magical time of year — welcome week. The days are long, the weather is warm and students are coming off summer break with just enough pent-up restlessness to keep them overstimulated. With all of welcome week’s events and activities, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by its unbearable camp.
Satire: University administration utilizes NPCs as student body for campus tours
College is an open-world adventure game and we’re side quest filler content By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist April 20, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
Satire: Face reveal day sparks unrest within the UMass community
Your brain’s autofill for the bottom half of everyone’s faces has been horrendously inaccurate By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist April 11, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. It’s been almost exactly one month since March 9, 2022, the day when the University of Massachusetts lifted its indoor mask mandate.
Kate Bush and the music of female imagination
Spellbound, sensual and strong— we’re celebrating “this woman’s work” By Kelly McMahan, Staff Writer March 31, 2022 “How long do you think before she’ll go out, woman?
Satire: Co-Star astrology app a direct cause of chaos and unrest in student body
Jupiter is in retrograde and my life is in shambles By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist March 23, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. Astrology fanatics everywhere know that a star chart is created by determining the alignment of celestial bodies at the location and time where an individual was born.
Unpacking social media’s unrealistic and harmful ‘productivity aesthetic’
Your hard work is valid, even without the avocado toast and scented candles Parker Peters / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Columnist March 23, 2022 With multiple YouTube tabs open on my laptop, I typed the buzzword sentences “aesthetic and productive morning routine,” and “that girl morning routine TikTok” into the search bars. Instantly, thousands of thumbnails appeared highlighting pastel bubble letters, aesthetic outfits, crisp white duvets and sunlit bullet journals.
Satire: The Fine Arts Center looks neither “fine” nor “artistic,” but it still deserves some love
A love letter to the FAC— because what else am I supposed to do at this point? Nina Walat / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist March 3, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. As someone with a lot of music classes, I find myself walking through the trapezoidal labyrinth that is the Fine Arts Center on a daily basis.
Les sacs jetables Scensibles sont-ils vraiment le choix sensé?
De nombreuses femmes, particulièrement celles qui habitent aux États Unis, ont de fortes chances de reconnaître un aménagement commun aux toilettes publiques: la corbeille menstruelle. Ces paniers typiquement sont construits de métal ou de plastique et sont montés au mur intérieur du cabinet des toilettes féminines.
Scensibles 垃圾袋真的好吗？
Ana Pietrewicz / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan , Jeffrey Chong Young Wong, and Yang Yi Chen March 2, 2022 相信很多女性，尤其是那些住在美国的，都能认出公共洗手间的常见设施——女性卫生用品弃置箱。 这些弃置箱一般都是金属或塑料造的，安装在女厕隔间的内壁上。它们为使用过的月经产品（卫生巾和卫生绵条）提供了专属的弃置空间。 在麻州大学，某些建筑的厕所里的弃置箱有一个非常奇怪的特征。 大约一半的弃置箱都有一个装满印着Scensibles商标的小粉红塑料袋的前置箱子。美术中心、Holdsworth 大楼、Thompson 大楼、Hasbrouck 实验室及新非洲之家等较旧的建筑的厕所里都能看到Scensibles箱子。新建造、翻新过的建筑（综合学习中心除外）、宿舍或食堂没有弃置箱。...
Are Scensibles disposal bags really the sensible choice?
UMass’ implementation of Scensibles menstrual product disposal bags raise questions about unnecessary waste and performative menstrual equality. By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Columnist March 1, 2022 Many women, especially those living in the United States, are likely to recognize a common fixture in public restrooms: the menstrual product disposal bin. These bins are usually made of metal or plastic and are mounted to the inner stall walls of women’s bathrooms.
Sátira: San Valentín en la universidad es brutal
UMass, ¿no saben que el cuerpo estudiantil lo está pasando mal? By Kelly McMahan, Columnista de sátiras del Collegian February 16, 2022 Nota del editor: la siguiente columna es satírica. Tiene fines humorísticos. Todas las entrevistas y personas son ficticias. ¿Es San Valentín y todavía no tienes una cita? Es una broma. Este es un artículo de sátira por el amor de Dios. ¿En qué posición estamos para juzgar a alguien? Si todavía estás solo este día de San Valentín, no eres el único.
Satire: Valentine’s Day in college is brutal
UMass, don’t you know that the student body has it bad? By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist February 14, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. It’s Valentine’s Day and you still don’t have a date? Just kidding. This is a satire article for goodness’ sake, what position are we in to judge anybody? If you’re still alone this Valentine’s Day, you’re not the only one.
Satire: This is your brain on dining hall coffee
The best part of waking up is UMass in your cup By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist February 7, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. With the University of Massachusetts’ number one dining status, students are sure to find a wide array of refreshing, hand-crafted drinks to complement their heaping platters of hot stir fry and suspiciously dry burgers.
Satire: Rate My Professor ratings are a self-fulfilling prophecy
Another reading assignment? Sounds like “2.3 out of 5” behavior to me McKenna Premus / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist January 31, 2022 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. The spring semester is finally here.
Satire: Students need to dress less appropriately for cold weather
New England college students are simply built different McKenna Premus / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist November 30, 2021 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. Most interviews and individuals are fictitious. November is coming to an end and the cold weather is just getting started.
The Curry Hicks Cage has a ghost problem
Exploring a gymnasium with the most elegiac of auras Jessica Picard / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist November 24, 2021 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
Satire: Students start underground prospecting ring for dining hall tables as seat scarcity increases
Wall Street has nothing on Worcester Commons Jenn Desmond / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Satire Columnist October 27, 2021 We’ve all been there. It’s 7:30 p.m. on a Friday. You and your friends decide to have a nice sit-down dinner at Worcester Dining Commons, blissfully ignorant of the glaring red banner on the University of Massachusetts Dining app that displays “busy.” When you enter the dining hall, you are suddenly confronted by a serious problem: all the seats are taken.
Satire: ‘College is time for new experiences,’ says student who has completely regressed into old habits
There has never been a better time to improve on absolutely nothing Ana Pietrewicz / Daily Collegian By Kelly McMahan, Collegian Contributor/Columnist October 21, 2021 Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious. For many wide-eyed freshmen, college is the ultimate clean slate.
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