Lybi Ma
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Executive Editor/Psychology Today
Author of How to Be Less Miserable
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Articles by Lybi Ma
You Can Make Luck Happen
The lucky have their eyes peeled for fortune and happy accidents around every corner. People who feel cursed, like the person who never gets a leg up, create negative self-fulfilling prophecies. When we stay open to life’s potential, we may experience luck 运气. Luck can be useful in the quest for positivity. Lucky people are flexible, hopeful, resilient, and open; they mine new opportunities for their own gain and have their eyes peeled for fortune and happy accidents around every corner.
Does Your Mindset Get in Your Way?
Growth can get stifled when we feel vulnerable or shut off. If we cling to defeatist thinking, we are unlikely to push through life’s obstacles. But a nimble sensibility can help bypass closed doors and see the open ones. We are open 开放. The growth mindset sees mistakes and failures as opportunities for learning, and criticism as constructive feedback, not personal attacks. People with a growth mindset embrace imperfection and feel it’s fine to be flawed and altogether average.
How to Eat the Bitter
People who think talent is innate may have a fixed mindset. People who think they can always learn and grow may have a growth mindset. A difficult task can be a moment to learn, not a threat to your ego. When I was a kid, my parents often said chi ku 吃苦, eat bitter. Sometimes we must endure hard work and pain to build resilience and move through adversity. In my teens, whenever I complained about homework, my parents often said I had to eat bitter and push through the difficult tasks.
How to Eat the Bitter
Source: AI Assisted Lybi Ma When I was a kid, my parents often said chi ku 吃苦, eat bitter. Sometimes we must endure hard work and pain to build resilience and move through adversity. In my teens, whenever I complained about homework, my parents often said I had to eat bitter and push through the difficult tasks. This was their form of tough love. I often went to my sister for clarification and support; I asked her if they really meant bittersweet. Some sweetness is nice, after all.
How to Regulate Your Emotions
An emotionally healthy individual can regulate his emotions and adjust them to whatever his surroundings demand. People who can modulate their facial expressions while looking at emotion-filled images have better mental health than those who cannot. Showing our emotions is part of everyday social interaction. When a friend tells us she met someone special, we should show her our interest and enthusiasm.
The Upside of Mental Flexibility
A rigid person can experience heated emotional reactions that lead to feeling overwhelmed and paralyzed. To build more flexibility, we can also use present-moment awareness to manage our thoughts and emotions. Stewart Butterfield spent years developing a massive multiplayer online game that failed to attract enough players; it was a financial bust.
How Fairy Tales Nurture the Creative Self
Fairy tales may help us face emotions safely Self-enchantment lets us see life as a meaningful story. Magical fantasies may even transform us. Novelist Dale Kushner has entertained a lifelong fascination with the psyche. In her recent book, Wild Freedom, she notes that we can learn from fairy tales and other ancient stories handed down to us over the centuries.
How Fairy Tales Nurture the Creative Self
Fairy tales may help us face emotions safely Self-enchantment lets us see life as a meaningful story. Magical fantasies may even transform us. Novelist Dale Kushner has entertained a lifelong fascination with the psyche. In her recent book, Wild Freedom, she notes that we can learn from fairy tales and other ancient stories handed down to us over the centuries.
Can We Grow After Hardship?
Significant positive personal development and growth can happen after hardship and difficulty, 困难. Regulating emotions and adapting to challenges can help us navigate adversity. Strong supportive relationships can be protective factors. My mother used to tell the story of how, at the turn of the twentieth century, Han soldiers beheaded my great-grandfather in the middle of the street—there were large-scale massacres of Hui-Chinese people around the time of the Boxer Rebellion.
Be Like Buddha, See Moods Like the Weather
Emotional detachment and adopting an objective, non-critical perspective might reduce the discomfort we feel. Anxiety rates in the U.S. are higher than in other nations. Some people have a fear of happiness as well as a degree of emotional numbness. Some Chinese refer to emotional detachment as seeing through, 看破 kàn pò, our desires and materialism. It is the emotional detachment where one is not upset by circumstances, all of which are temporary.
What Sets Off Our Self-Destructive Habits?
Identifying emotions and managing our behavior may break a self-destructive cycle. Awareness of negativity and its underlying context may remove the temptation of bad habits. I knew a woman who was unable to conquer her negative thoughts and accompanying self-destructive habits. She operated with negative filters all the time. For her, everything was bad, people were wrong, life was a pain, and her partner was never going to change. I heard her say this again and again.
We Eat 23 Percent More Than We Did in the 1970s
What are healthy approaches to dieting? Take our Healthy Lifestyle Test Find a health professional We may crave calorie-dense foods, but we can overcome these instincts. Processed foods are intentionally loaded with sugary, fatty, and salty components. I once walked by a sign that read, The Buffet of Buffets, 5 Buffets in 24 Hours. Who would want to eat that much? Yet gorging ourselves with food seems to be an American pastime.
We Eat 23 Percent More Than We Did in the 1970s
We may crave calorie-dense foods, but we can overcome these instincts. Processed foods are intentionally loaded with sugary, fatty, and salty components. I once walked by a sign that read, The Buffet of Buffets, 5 Buffets in 24 Hours. Who would want to eat that much? Yet gorging ourselves with food seems to be an American pastime. According to the Pew Research Center, the average American eats 23 percent more than he did in the 1970s.
How Procrastination Holds Us Back
Procrastination is a familiar form of self-sabotage. An example, we intend to exercise at a designated hour, but we roll over in bed and hit the snooze button. Things that we put off come with emotional states such as anxiety, frustration, and resentment. My father did not delay or torment himself with self-sabotaging behaviors. Procrastinating over an unenjoyable task would have been a luxury for him.
How We Sabotage Our Growth
When I was small, my American-ness rubbed up against my Hui-ness. I remember remarking to my dad that life was always going to be unfair for me, and loads of other people never had it as hard as I did. My dad was quick to point out my faulty thinking and my use of words like always, never, and forever. “Why do you use these words?” he asked.
How We Sabotage Our Growth
Take our Can You Spot Self-Sabotage? Find a therapist near me Self-sabotaging thought processes can come in many forms, including absolutist thinking. We may have religiously attended therapy for years, yet find ourselves hiding from ourselves. When will I be living the emotionally satisfying existence that I deserve? When I was small, my American-ness rubbed up against my Hui-ness.
You Don't Have to Be Perfect
Research has seen a rise in perfectionism in recent years. Social comparison via social media and the need for individualism has made perfectionism a thing. Perfectionism is a frame of mind that can stoke mental illnesses. Hard-and-fast thinkers want perfection, and defeat and failure are not in their vocabulary. For them, everything must be just so. However, no one is perfect. Thinking that we can be perfect is the path to definite failure.
Successful People Fail the Most
For the Hui-Chinese, giving up is acceptable if there is no method or way forward. In modern society, we are set up to feel like we have already failed. Just scrolling through someone else’s social media feed can make us feel like losers. I know a young man who strived, sweated, and persevered to join the majors in hockey. He played with the best. He was fast, talented, hard-working, and competed in the company of champions.
Nature Gets You Out of Your Head
We are genetically predisposed to all things living, just as the Buddha had a penchant for the lotus. Embracing the awe of nature can remedy and lower the heat of the stew brewing inside our heads. Even tending an indoor garden can boost our mental health. There is always a lotus flower in stories about the Buddha. This flower, the lian hua 莲花, surfaces through muddy waters, and its waxy petals deflect the dirty muck. It is pure and resilient.
6 Ways ADHD Can Hide Autism
ADHD's traits can leave autistic traits misattributed or missed, a process of diagnostic overshadowing. Social struggles, sensory needs, and emotional responses to change can be misread through an ADHD-only lens. Seeing both conditions clearly isn't about collecting labels, it's about having the right lens. Many people who are both autistic and have ADHD, sometimes called AuDHD, spend years being understood through only one lens. ADHD tends to be visible, recognizable, and identified first.
What Kids Lose When Dinner Time Becomes Screen Time
Picture the dinner table on a given Tuesday evening. One parent is answering one last text from a long workday. Another is thinking about the grocery bill and rehearsing tomorrow’s schedule. Their 6-year-old, getting restless, slips on headphones and is soon engrossed in the familiar glow of an iPad. The table goes quiet, except for the sound of forks against plates. For many parents, the quiet is a moment of undeniable relief. This is understandable.
3 Signs That You're Better Off Single
Source: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash Psychologist Bella DePaulo’s 2023 research from the Journal of Family Theory and Review distinguishes between people who are single by circumstance and those who genuinely flourish alone. She argues that the happiness gap between single and coupled people is far narrower than popular culture suggests, and often disappears entirely when personal choice is factored in. None of what follows is an argument against relationships.
When Tier 1 'Works' But Students Disappear
Quiet Is Not Always Safety In moments of crisis, schools reach for what works, whatever quiets disruption fast and makes the numbers look better. I understand that impulse from both sides of the desk. I have been the principal making the call when a campus is rattled, and everyone wants certainty by morning. I have also been the consultant brought in after the fact, when referrals are up, adults are exhausted, and the students everyone is worried about are either exploding or disappearing.
In a Mental Health Crisis, Families Need Help, Too
Daniel and Family Source: Courtesy of Shaelyn Koops Earlier this year, Shaelyn Koops reached out to me to share her son’s story, which is documented in her book, "Hey, Buddy: A Memoir of a Mother and Son.” As the pages unfolded, each with dated entries, my mind drew a picture of Daniel. I could envision an immensely kind-hearted youth who loved nature and philosophy. Daniel died at just 18 of an undetected perforated ulcer.
No One’s Ever Really Gone After They Die
Source: Image by Larry Carlat Dear Rob, Every time I sit down to write you a letter, it’s because I can’t think of anything else to write about. I start with “Dear Rob” and see where it goes.
The Effects of Media Depictions or Mediaspeak on War
War is not a computer game or a movie. You don’t have to be mentally ill to be living in a fantasy world. Mentally transforming the horrendous into the non-disturbing can come at a high emotional cost. At the moment, our nation is at war. Much of what we may learn about this war will come from video imagery, which creates a problem that didn’t start with the Israeli-American war against Iran. Beginning with the Vietnam War, it became possible to view actual images of fighting, wounding, and death.
The Fine Line Between Resignation and Acceptance
When you're resigned, you feel like a victim; when you accept there is a sense of peace. The keys to acceptance are taking action and changing the story by looking for the positive. Moving from a should-driven life to a value-driven one puts you in charge and helps you do your best. Source: Alexas_Fotos/Pixabay Maybe it’s about your relationship, which essentially died long ago but still barely lives on life support from habit and familiarity.
Does Your Accent Shape Your Impact?
Research finds that non-native English speakers get less attention than native speakers. This suggests that accents can be a form of bias. This is linked to stereotypes and cognitive processing. We can develop strategies to improve knowledge transmission across cultures. By Amir Sepehri, Ph.D., and Julia Smith, MSc Anyone who speaks a language other than their mother tongue has inevitably had moments of self-doubt about their accent: “Do they understand me? Do I sound silly?
Why Are People So Passionate About a Return to the Moon?
Artemis 2 was the first mission in decades to carry astronauts beyond low Earth orbit. It was seen as a vital step toward future space exploration. The mission represents progress and hope, offering a vision of the future across the globe. On Friday, April 10, the Artemis mission completed a nearly 10-day journey. During their mission, the astronauts flew 694,481 miles in total.
Why You Feel Empty After Achieving Your Goals
The arrival fallacy explains the neuroscience of post-achievement emptiness. For high-achieving people, the emptiness signals that the life they built was inherited rather than chosen. The question is not what to achieve next; it is whether you are ready to ask what you have been achieving for. Source: Photo by Ali Kazal on Unsplash Some of the most disorienting moments I witness in clinical practice do not happen in crisis. Surprisingly, it happens after success.
One Letter Change in DNA Can Reverse Sex
Source: Anna Langova /Publicdomainpictures Most people know that a baby’s sex is determined by whether it inherits an X or a Y chromosome from its father. Inheriting a Y chromosome normally produces male offspring. Not necessarily, according to a new study. This recent study, published in the journal Nature Communications and led by Nitzan Gonen of Bar-Ilan University, reports that changing only one letter of the 2.8 billion letters in DNA reverses the sex of mice.
You’re Not Too Sensitive, Even If It Feels That Way
Emotional sensitivity, or neuroticism, refers to how easily negative emotions trigger you. If you’re on the higher side of this trait, you likely react more strongly to stressors and take longer to calm down afterward. You’re probably well-versed in anxiety, sadness, guilt, and frustration, and these emotions may interfere with how you pursue your goals.
Resentment Is Bad for Your Health
New research shows how harboring resentment is bad for your health. Lasting resentment can result in painful feelings and emotional injury. Research has shown how forgiveness can heal resentment and bring us greater health and peace of mind. Source: OER Conestoga College. (2021) Woman looking depressed.
How Psychopaths Use the 'Pity Play'
Be on guard if someone, especially a woman, tries to make you feel sorry for her. This may be a predatory ploy of a psychopath in disguise. The female psychopath is a master at invoking pity. As psychologist Martha Stout aptly says in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, “Beware of the pity play."1 Psychopaths seduce others with the “pity play” Of course, there are truly people who deserve our pity. Unlike them, psychopaths play the pity game to further their own selfish interests.
Why Some Adult Children Stay Stuck on Purpose
When parents talk to me about their adult children who aren't launching, the tone is often a mix of confusion and concern. I hear things like, "My son says he wants to move forward, so why isn't he?" Or, "My daughter keeps talking about going back to school, but she gets no further than loosely talking about it." These are fair concerns. Because what looks like resistance to these parents is often something else entirely in their adult children's minds.
Finding Order in Disorder, a Bipolar Memoir
Over the last few months, my partner has become quite enamored with the show Peacemaker. I don't like television much, but he said something that has had me watching the beginning theme. As the characters get up and dance with straight faces, my partner says, "You see, Jen. It's asking you to judge. When people dance, they put themselves out there, but this show is about something beautiful." I'd be lying if I said I've gotten past the intro, but in those first few minutes, I watch.
What I Learned From My Cat, a Meow Is Not Always a Meow
Pogo Source: Image by Kim Lampson The word Meow has two syllables: Me-Ow. Pogo was a quiet cat until about three years ago. She became increasingly vocal, especially late at night and first thing in the morning. She would follow me and meow. It was not a quiet, gentle meow; it was loud and high-pitched. The meow made me shiver, like fingers on a chalkboard. I told her to stop. It did not work. But I continued with my requests, reaching a crescendo that almost matched hers.
Do You See Yourself in a Story?
Source: LightField Studios/ Shutterstock For a long time, comic books were treated as entertainment rather than as a serious medium for psychological or historical depth. That perception began to shift with works like Maus, which brought themes of trauma and intergenerational pain into the graphic form (Spiegelman, 1986). Its recognition as the first comic book to win a Pulitzer Prize marked a turning point.
Why We Get the Winter Blues
It’s been a very long winter for those of us who live in the northeast United States. We’ve had several big snowstorms—one of which left me stuck in Arizona for several days—and a major arctic outbreak that resulted in freezing temperatures for weeks. Some states experienced their coldest winter in decades, and there were even reports from Florida of iguanas freezing and falling out of trees.
A First Glimpse of Superintelligence
Something unusual just happened in AI—and it deserves more attention than it’s getting. Recently, Anthropic announced a system it chose not to release openly. The model—Claude Mythos Preview—is reportedly so effective at finding and exploiting software vulnerabilities that the company is limiting access to a small group of organizations responsible for critical Internet infrastructure. That alone should give us pause.
2 Signs You're Shrinking Your Needs
Source: Getty Images / Unsplash Most of the social behaviors that we pick up as children to survive become the very limitations that restrict us as adults. We are taught to be agreeable and adapt to our surroundings even before we are taught how to take up space. And for most individuals, this method of “shrinking” does not feel like self-suppression. Instead, we’re conditioned to internalize it as politeness or rationality. However, these little self-editing gestures accumulate over time.
When Pregnancy Meets Body Commentary
When a Body Becomes Public Working as an eating disorder therapist, I have the privilege of supporting many pregnant clients. I have also witnessed something that is both common and quietly harmful: the way a pregnant body becomes public property. Comments, questions, and even unsolicited touch are often framed as excitement or care.
Why Mentoring Matters
Mentorship is a vibrant relationship that needs more exploration in psychology. Early founders of humanistic psychology saw its importance. They sought to differentiate growth-based mentoring from skill-training. Research shows that both mentors and mentees gain from this mutual bond. Have you ever been a mentor or been mentored by someone on your career path? If so, you're fortunate, as mentorship is a uniquely important human relationship spanning millennia and cultures.
What Baseball Taught Me About Being Myself
Now that baseball season is opening, I'm finding myself once again reminded of my deficiencies. Let me take you back to the year 1981. At a large family gathering, the group decided it would be fun to play a game of baseball together—and as soon as they did, my heart sank. After all, I was already in college and no longer had to submit to the torture of gym class! And suddenly now I’m in a large field playing baseball? How can I escape this?
Going Post-Tribal Is Lonely but Liberating
I waited with anticipation for the release of Ibram X. Kendi’s latest book, Chain of Ideas: The Origins of Our Authoritarian Age. As a prominent voice in anti-racist scholarship whose ideas have shaped important conversations, Kendi has had a significant influence on popular beliefs about racial inequality. In the weeks since its March release, I watched several of his interviews and public conversations.
Couples Who Don’t Talk About Problems
If you grew up with parents who ignored problems or were violent, you learn to walk on eggshells as a child. As adults, the result is that problems are never solved, and distance becomes the way to avoid conflict. The key is learning to break the pattern by approaching your anxiety, and stepping outside your comfort zone. Source: Alana Jordan/Pixabay Jake and Maria both admit that they never discuss problems.
It’s Helpful to Treat Sharing Fake News as a Moral Issue
The costs and benefits of social media have been well-documented. These platforms enable people to connect with others across the world and to stay in contact with friends, family, and colleagues; however, social media also allows people to surround themselves with stories that reinforce their biases and to be bombarded with fake news. One significant source of fake news is when people encounter and share stories that promote a particular viewpoint despite dubious claims.
Are You Ruminating Too Much?
Did you know? Nearly a third of us aren’t even familiar with the term rumination. This is a problem, because it’s really hard to solve a problem you’ve never named and cannot define. Research shows most of us are so embarrassed and ashamed by our negative rumination that we don’t talk about it, which means we can’t get the support or relief we need. You probably know what I’m referring to – those sticky thought spirals you can’t escape even when you long to.
Teen Sleep Is Worsening, and Screens Aren't the Whole Story
Source: Andrii Lysenko/Adobe Stock The evidence clearly shows that modern society creates a perfect storm of sleep disturbances for teenagers. Shifts in circadian rhythms during puberty, early school start times, academic pressure, and pervasive technology use all contribute to poor sleep among teens.
Your Therapy Homework: Get to the Theater
Research shows art appreciation has psychological and social benefits. Therapeutic engagement with the arts can include outings such as the theater, museums, or botanical gardens. Many people won't go to therapy, but art-based activities can still help support physical and mental health. Source: Kyle Head / Unsplash What if therapists gave clients homework of attending the theater, an art show, a storytelling slam, or an arboretum? Sounds a bit unusual?
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