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Articles by Matty Blast
(14075994) If you've been looking for a good screw, head out to Narcoossee Road in Florida
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(14053022) At least two school districts plan on disciplining staff for having an opinion
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(14036982) Milton driver allegedly clocked at double speed limit, claims they were in a hurry because red staplers went on sale
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(14000918) Gas company fails to find source of odor, has a really good idea of the source now
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(13988286) This is why I get my monthly prostate exams from a guy I trust, who runs a mobile clinic out of Motel 6
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How do you embrace the day?
How does one embrace the day? My problem is that for me sleep is an escape from reality, so I try to stretch my sleeping duration out in the morning for as long as possible. Then I do as little as possible to get myself ready to race off to work. What I'd rather do is get up super early and get lots of stuff done, then go to work with all cylinders firing.
Will I ever get married?
I used to complain that the problem was simply fate, or even God himself, that I haven't found a life partner to build a family with. Now I know that the problem is mainly me. I'm out of shape. It comes from reaching your 40s, I suppose, but getting and staying in shape and in your ideal weight range is very much an uphill battle. I look in the mirror and pretend I'm a woman and ask myself, "Would I have sex with me?" And the answer unfortunately is "no." But I'm working on it.
New Chapter, Same ol' Suffering
It's been a long time since I've blogged on here, and some things (not all, mind you) have changed for the better. I've moved to a new state and started a new job that pays well and has me working with the nicest people imaginable. I'm back to living on my own (the way it should be) in an apartment with my beloved little rat terrier dog, who just loves and adores me more and more with each passing day. But just as I expected I would be, I'm as lonely as ever.
Career has rebooted, but still lonely as ever
I'm grateful that I've moved to a new city to start a new job in my chosen field. And I'm grateful that I'm living in my own place and not with my mom anymore. (I love my mom, it's just the stigma associated with living with her that I hated.) But just as I knew would be the case, I'm lonely as he11. I know nobody here in Lawrence, and since I've outgrown the bar scene, I really don't know how I'm going to build any friendships.
My case for dismissal from life
Culture is defined as a group of societies working together toward a common goal. And that goal is to live...not just exist, but live. And there is a difference. What do we do in our culture to live? We grow up, spread our wings, make things happen and enjoy the changes and new adventures that come our way. We interact with the people who complement our personalities and gain fulfillment from being in each other's presence and sharing what's happening.
Haven't I suffered enough?
The weeks keep going by and I feel more and more empty with each one that passes. I'd like to have a permanent, full-time job. But I don't. I'm grateful that I just started working as a temporary contractor for an insurance company, but that isn't going to last very long, and once it ends, I'll be back to doing absolutely nothing all day and collecting unemployment (which will be eaten up by my bills the instant it hits my bank account). I'd like to be living in my own place. But I'm not.
Absolutely nothing
So here it is, the first day of another work week, and I have heard nothing. Nothing from the headhunters who are out there giving my resume to companies that have an opening for the kind of work I do, nothing from the companies I have applied to directly, nothing from any of the recruiters who have reached out to me before regarding potential opportunities...nothing. And tomorrow's my fu(king birthday. If there were ever an occasion NOT to celebrate a birthday, this is it.
The gloves are off and it's me vs. God
I took my dog for a walk out to the lakefront so that I could sit on a bench facing the water and have it out with God. I said my prayers out loud, so I had to pause every time someone walked by. I addressed every issue that was making my life so damn empty and worthless. First I talked about my getting laid off and being unemployed...and about the fact that doors just don't seem to be opening.
3 sets of 12 on each arm
This weekend I'm DJing a surprise Sweet 16 party, so that will temporarily take my mind off of how miserable my life is. Then I've decided that on Monday I'm going to join the gym here. As long as I'm too much of a loser to have any kind of a day job, I may as well spend a good chunk of my free time getting back into shape.
Hospital? Nah. Death is a much better option
I wish I were in the hospital. That's how empty and ridiculously depressed I am. My attempts to get my career going again are failing. I either get a rejection email or no response at all. I'm working with a few headhunters, or at least I think I am, but they hardly ever keep in touch with me--they're constantly leaving me hanging about the status of the opportunities they've said they've had for me.
God is a liar - Feelingkindablue
"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." -Ephesians 5:31 Why didn't Paul (or Moses, if you use the verse from Genesis that says the same thing) qualify this statement by saying that you most certainly will not leave your father and/or mother and be united to a wife if you are a pathetic ugly loser who keeps getting laid off from your jobs and cannot attract a woman to save your life? God is a liar and a failure.
When life has completely failed you
What would you do? What would you do if you had an overall presentation about yourself that attracted nobody, and you're 41 years old, having never been married or had any children? What would you do if you just got laid off from your job, and attempts to re-jumpstart your career are in vain because your resume has too many short periods of employment on it?
I need to stop existing
I need to stop existing. God has no plan or purpose for me, other than to exist to keep others from having to grieve my loss. In other words, I'm still alive so that nobody has to cry about me being dead. Everyone says that suicide is selfish, but for Christ's sake, isn't forcing me to continue living an empty life even more selfish? I turn 42 next month and I'm living with my mom because I got laid off from my job, and there's nothing available out there to jump on to get my career going again.
I need to stop existing
I need to stop existing. God has no plan or purpose for me, other than to exist to keep others from having to grieve my loss. In other words, I'm still alive so that nobody has to cry about me being dead. Everyone says that suicide is selfish, but for Christ's sake, isn't forcing me to continue living an empty life even more selfish? I turn 42 next month and I'm living with my mom because I got laid off from my job, and there's nothing available out there to jump on to get my career going again.
Ultimate Mega-failure
Hi, folks. For those that don't know me, the reason I joined FKB is that I suffer from major depression. It's made much worse by the fact that I want to get married and raise a family, but women don't want me. Now my fate has been all but sealed, as things have gotten tremendously worse. I was asked by my manager to come with him into a conference room, where the department's director and someone from HR were already sitting.
An open letter to the child I'll never have
To the child I’ll never have: I would love to hold you in my arms and see your loving, innocent eyes looking up at me with curiosity, wonder and love. I would love to bond with you, care for you, protect you and teach you as you grow and learn that I am your daddy who loves you so much he would die for you without hesitation if he needed to.
Paralyzed in my protective bubble
This past weekend I spent the entire time on the couch. The entire time. Like, from the time I got home on Friday evening to the time I had to wake up this morning, I was stuck to the couch, even though there were so many things I could have been doing, both fun-related and chores-related. The only time I got up was to go to the bathroom or go to the door to get the Chinese food I had ordered. Something is causing me to be glued to my couch during all my free time.
A poisoned life means my dreams will go unfulfilled
Tonight is the night that I haul in another piece of the lighting truss system from my truck and then do a load of colors. Doing the colors will be a bummer because I’ll be doing them during the Blackhawks game. But they have to be done, so I will throw one load in. That's how I'm approaching this mountain of tasks and chores I need to do: accomplish one or two tasks every evening and then stop.
Mercy Death? - Feelingkindablue
Sometimes I wish our society allowed people with hopeless physical and mental (and social) conditions to go to the hospital and be mercifully put to sleep. It seems so logical. Normally my feelings of panic wear off by noontime, but today for some reason they're just persisting all day.
"What's the point?"
Every time I think about doing something to give my life a boost, and get it to where I want it to be, a super-strong voice comes into my head and says "What's the point?" For example, I'll think about going back to the gym on a regular basis and getting my conditioning back and getting my bench press back up to where it used to be.
Waking up gets me so panicky I can barely function!
This week has been good so far. Work has been fine, and the evenings have improved as far as productivity goes. I have a mountain of things to do, but each night I do just one or two things and then stop. My problem is that I have no interest or motivation to go out and do anything. I'm signed up for a bunch of meetup.com groups, but if they're on weeknights I just don't want to go. I'm too introverted to just hang out and yap with people I don't know. I wish I weren't like that, but I am.
Zero energy, mental or physical
I spent this past weekend on the couch, in a vegetative state. The whole weekend. From the time I got home from work on Friday night all the way until this morning, I was glued to the couch, except to make trips to the bathroom and feed my pets. Oh, and to go to the door to retrieve the Chinese food I ordered. I was going to go to a Christian speed-dating event on Saturday night, but I decided to stay home and watch the Blackhawks game instead. I didn't go to church on Sunday.
Thanks for nothing, "Provident"
So I called the number listed on this website: (866) 728-7983 and when they asked, I told them that yes, I was thinking about suicide but they were just thoughts at the moment and I didn't have the guts to do anything currently. I just wanted someone to talk to. "Luke" told me that because of their high call-volume and because they wanted to keep lines open for emergencies only, I should call the "warm line" instead: (800) 971-0016. No answer.
Total failure - Feelingkindablue
The writing is on the wall. I'm about to lose a very important part of my life, and after that happens, I will have absolutely nothing. I will be living in a world that absolutely does not want me. I just want to end it all since I don't belong on any part of this planet.
Total failure - Feelingkindablue
The writing is on the wall. I'm about to lose a very important part of my life, and after that happens, I will have absolutely nothing. I will be living in a...
Total failure - Feelingkindablue
The writing is on the wall. I'm about to lose a very important part of my life, and after that happens, I will have absolutely nothing. I will be living in a...
I don't think my doctor quite gets it.
The panic attacks continue to destroy me. Something needs to change. Instead of giving me tranquilizers like I hoped he would, the doc gave me a prescription for Lexipro, which he said would boost my seratonin levels after a few weeks and get all the “what-if” questions out of my head that are causing me to panic every morning. I sincerely doubt that it will help. I’m already on Effexor, which is supposed to affect all three neurotransmitters, and it isn’t doing a complete job.
Matty Blast's Page
Saturday night I went to a speed-dating event. I was looking forward to it because it was being held just down the road from me, so I figured the girls I'd meet would be close. So I get there and I find out that only 4 women showed up (there were 8 registered), and all 13 of the guys who registered showed up. Talk about a sausage fest!Of the four women who were there, only one really got my heart thumping...she was a real cutie-patootie. But alas, she must not have checked "yes" next to my… See More
Pick-up Lines - Feelingkindablue
Okay ladies. I have a question for you. What is an example of a pick-up line that would actually work? It seems like no matter what a guy says, he'll get shot down because he'll just look like either a desperate pathetic loser or a sick pervert. I'm not talking about lines like "Hey baby...if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together!" I'm talking about something kind and polite that would genuinely make the woman interested in talking.
Yikes! Once again this mail-order med situation has me in a bind!
After 3 three-month supplies of medication run out, CVS-Couldn't-Care-Less-Mark automatically contacts the prescribing doctor so that they can fill out a form & fax it in to get the prescriptions renewed and shipped again. So when I got the email saying that the prescriptions were on their way, I was glad to read it. Then I find out (too late, of course) that this automatic refill process does not apply to controlled substances. Whoops. One of my meds (Klonipin) is a controlled substance.
My weekend - Feelingkindablue
Saturday night I went to a speed-dating event. I was looking forward to it because it was being held just down the road from me, so I figured the girls I'd meet would be close. So I get there and I find out that only 4 women showed up (there were 8 registered), and all 13 of the guys who registered showed up. Talk about a sausage fest! Of the four women who were there, only one really got my heart thumping...she was a real cutie-patootie.
Lots of different stuff
Yesterday I had my appointment with a neurologist about why my hands are red. He was baffled. He didn't know. He suggested I go see a dermatologist, which I'm going to do, but that advice surprises me because I always thought dermatologists dealt with outside-the-skin issues (moles, excessively dry skin, warts, etc.). This is an under-the-skin issue. I have a feeling that it's the Lithium that I'm on that's causing it because I think it started about the time I started taking Lithium.
Disappointment & Panic Attacks
This morning I had the panic attack to end all panic attacks. I guess it's because I had to get up and get myself ready for work after a whole weekend of doing virtually nothing except de-stressing. I've made an appointment with my doctor (won't be until March 9th since he's on vacation) to talk to him about this because these panic attacks are a regular occurrence. And I'm sick of them. I wish I could get up in the morning and be cool as a cucumber while I get myself ready to face the day.
Panic attacks! - Feelingkindablue
I hate panic attacks. I have them every day—every morning when I get up, to be specific. For some reason, when I get up in the morning, my brain gets flooded with all these “what if” scenarios. What if I don’t make it to work on time? What will people be saying about me during the time I'm not there if I'm a few minutes late? What if I’ll be given a task at work today that I won’t be able to handle?
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