I've Got Your News Right Here, Pal

Hey, I guess somebody wrote a script about those radioactive shrimp at Walmart? And, for some weird reason, they framed me and said I wrote it? So weird, like why would someone do that? This has happened to me before, by the way — so weird. Anyway, I thought I’d share it here.

Look, the last thing I would’ve wanted for myself was to write another one of these. I don’t want to look at LinkedIn ever again in my life, but it’s 2025 and the jobs are not okay. And not only are the jobs not okay, but now there appears to be a massive sinkhole opening up on the ground of LinkedIn and … sorry, am I uh … hearing this correctly? Let’s hand it over to our reporter on the scene, who is also me. Bitch?

The loud holiday is upon us once again. The clock struck midnight on July 4 and the gates of space were opened, as the noises began rushing down to earth like lava from a big volcano in the sky. By dawn, every part of the country was saturated in sound. “Honk, the herald loud booms sing,” the people cried while rolling wheelbarrows full of hot dogs down to the pool.

I don’t use F*cebook. In fact, I deleted my F*cebook awhile ago, only to recently create a new one only to “follow” my mom’s memory care facility, because they would often post pictures of the residents doing activities and going on little outings. Other than that, I don’t use it.

Welcome to Film School, a featurette of this newsletter where I teach you about Film from my office (the roof of a CVS). I watch the films and teach you all about them, so you don’t have to watch them, or if you want to, you can. I certainly don’t care! Just don’t be rude to me—that’s my one rule. You ever hear of a little film called Deep Rising? Hm? You ever fuckin’ see that movie? Have you, bitch? Sorry, I mean, students?

I really don’t want to cause a breakout of mass hysteria but it turns out that a storyline from Lois & Clark—the Superman show from the 90s—accurately predicted the entire trajectory of the current D*nald T*ump presidency. Hear me out, okay? Just hear me out, man. Look, I don’t WANT to have to write this. But if not I, than who will tell you about this? I can’t think of anyone and therefore I must do it. We will all be better for knowing this information. Is it a stretch? Of course it is. But am I right?

Applying to jobs is always a nightmare but right now it’s especially demonic because—OH, my DEAR god—the job descriptions are simply not okay. They’ve gotten out of control. “But Audrey, they’ve always been like this, it’s nothing new,” yeah, okay, I hear you, that’s valid, but ACTUALLY they sort of have??? It’s a new kind of out-of-control, though. You know how there’s regular bad-funny movies and then there’s Megalopolis? It’s like that. I don’t even know what I’m looking at sometimes.

Hello, we are here today to get something straight, because, folks, we got a problem. You see, everything everywhere is saying that FaLL iS cOmInG and showing me a pumpkin. The grocery store is showing me a pumpkin. The coffee shop is showing me a pumpkin, as well as saying “apple crisp latte” at me. I just recieved a push notification from a store saying the fall collection is here. OKAY SO, I’m gonna need everybody doing this to me to go ahead and listen up real quick.

First of all, let me just say THANK YOU SO DANG MUCH to everyone who upgraded to being a paid subscriber! Your support means the world to me and I thank you from the bottom of my LITTLE HEART. GEEZ. Thank you. Seriously. As a reminder, this newsletter is staying free, but the paid option is ~also there~ if you would like to use it. It was my second year at San Diego Comic Con and unlike last year, I had expectations. In 2023, I was a simple geek who was just happy to be there.

Before we begin this edition of I’VE GOT YOUR NEWS RIGHT HERE, PAL, let’s go over some housekeeping, shall we? I started a film festival celebrating the actor Billy Zane. We are currently in the screening process, and will eventually be bringing it to a stage somewhere in Los Angeles. (Jurassic Park voice) Welcome…to the Billy Zane Film Festival (BZFF). We would love if you followed us! I’ve turned on payments for this newsletter, but it’s staying public and free.