The Borowitz Report

The Borowitz Report Podcast Andy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news. Andy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news.

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In an astounding achievement for a first-time author, on Wednesday Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei nabbed the #1 spot on the New York Times bestsellers list with a business book entitled The Art of the Deal. The publicity materials provided by the publisher tout, “From the mind of a man who negotiated the sweetest deal in the history of the Middle East, learn how to fend off a hostile takeover—and win!” “Don’t just be a leader,” the book jacket urges.

Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As part of its framework deal with the US, on Monday the Islamic Republic of Iran agreed to cease all hostilities in exchange for never having to talk to Vice President JD Vance again. Under terms of the agreement, Vance must remain out of the Iranians’ earshot for a minimum of 30 years, with his exact location subject to periodic inspections.

Jim Watson / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking his milestone birthday in stride, on Sunday Donald J. Trump told reporters, “I may be eighty, but I have the brain of a four-year-old.” “People who think I’m too old should take a look at this UFC fight,” he argued.

From a country you misspell. WGA and Peabody Award-winning writer and comedian for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, The New Yorker and More!

Greg Nash / POOL / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Law enforcement probing the mysterious markings of the numbers 8647 on the National Mall said on Friday that they had found a distinctive hat at the scene of the crime that could help them identify the perpetrator. The hat, a wide-brimmed navy-blue boater with an ivory band, was reminiscent of the headgear worn by The Hamburglar, who shot to fame in McDonald’s commercials in the 1970’s, investigators said.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s claim that a peace deal with Iran was imminent suffered a stunning rebuke on Thursday when a flotilla of warships from the Iranian navy blockaded The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. In a brutal humiliation of Trump, the Iranians choked off access to the newly renovated pool and began charging tourists to look at it.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a contest to determine the 2028 Republican presidential nominee, on Thursday Donald J. Trump ordered Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Vice President JD Vance to face off in a UFC cage match at the White House this weekend. Trump decided to replace the traditional system of primaries and caucuses with a mixed martial arts competition because, as he told reporters, “Unlike elections, UFC fights are never rigged.” “These are both tough guys,” he added.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Barron Trump’s launch of a pricey new energy drink suffered a catastrophic setback Monday night when it failed a product test during the nationally televised NBA championship game. After taking a swig from the beverage, a decidedly unenergetic man in the owner’s box appeared to fall into a deep, coma-like sleep. The image of the slumbering man, broadcast on ABC, was witnessed by millions except Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

Brendan Smialowski / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest abrupt departure from the Trump administration, Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche announced on Tuesday that he was leaving the Department of Justice to pursue his lifelong dream of going to law school. “Ever since I was a little kid and watched ‘Matlock,’ I dreamed about someday becoming a lawyer,” Blanche told reporters.