The Borowitz Report

Planet Volumes on Unsplash TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—In a major setback for Donald J. Trump, the government of Iran announced on Thursday that it would only reopen the Strait of Hormuz when he admits he lost the 2020 election. “The whole world knows you lost, moron,” the official Iranian statement read.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In the latest rebuke to Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s tenure as Health Secretary, on Wednesday a worm who dined in the candidate’s brain posted a brutal review on Yelp. The worm’s review began on a discouraging note, claiming that Kennedy’s brain was “almost impossible to find.” “Once I managed to get there, I couldn’t believe how cramped it was,” the worm continued.

Maxine Wallace/The Washington Post via Getty Images FRANKFORT, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation “unacceptable to the people of my state,” on Tuesday Kentucky Governor Andy Beshear demanded to know whether or not Senator Rand Paul was brain-dead. “I have viewed disturbing video taken last week in the US Senate in which Senator Paul appears to be brain-dead,” Beshear told reporters.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In alarming news for Republicans heading into the midterm elections, a new poll released on Monday revealed that Donald J. Trump is less popular than explosive diarrhea. By a margin of two to one, likely voters said that they would rather suffer two years of the acute gastrointestinal ailment than the remainder of Trump’s term. According to polling experts, this marks the first time a president of the United States has been outperformed by a food-borne parasite.

Sen. Rand Paul, who became a COVID investigator after an illustrious career as a COVID superspreader. (Photo: Alex Wroblewski / AFP via Getty Images)

A rare moment during the 2019 impeachment inquiry when Stefanik’s mouth was shut. (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images) When she was first elected to Congress in 2014, Stefanik was often referred to as a moderate Republican. Nowadays, “moderate Republican” means anyone to the left of Heinrich Himmler. But back then, before the extinction-level event known as Donald Trump, there were still some House Republicans who could pass as rational beings, and Elise was one of them.

Simone Risoluti Vatican Media via Vatican Pool/Getty Images VATICAN CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning break with centuries of Catholic doctrine, on Wednesday Pope Leo XIV announced that the Church would relax its prohibition against birth control when it comes to JD Vance.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly “exploded with rage” on Tuesday after a blood test he had required for all service members over 30 showed that he had “extremely high” levels of estrogen. According to those familiar with the test results, Hegseth’s estrogen count would place him in the 99th percentile of all women.

Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented political comeback, the entirely unconscious Mitch McConnell has garnered a vastly higher approval rating than the conscious version, a new poll revealed on Monday.

With the Iran War reignited, Donald Trump has turned his attention from denuclearizing Iran towards nuclearizing Saudi Arabia. On Wednesday, he struck a deal that will allow the Saudis to develop their own civilian nuclear program. Supporters say the deal will boost the U.S. nuclear industry, improve diplomatic relations with a key ally against Iran, and prevent Russia or China from swooping in with their own deals.