The Borowitz Report

Although there is an embarrassment of evidence for impeachment, there are not 218 members of Congress with integrity.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced on Monday that she was joining Fox News Channel as a stepping-stone to becoming Secretary of Defense. Leavitt said that only by becoming an on-air personality at Fox could she acquire the “warrior ethos” necessary to lead the world’s largest military. “I’ve watched YouTube mascara tutorials and spent hours sampling blush at Sephora,” she said.

Saul Loeb / AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In yet another setback for the embattled lawmaker, on Monday Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) was rushed to the hospital after walking into a wall. According to sources close to the senator, the mishap was not unusual for Schmitt, who has a history of stabbing his forehead with a fork while attempting to eat. Schmitt’s behavior “raises serious concerns about his cognitive health,” said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky).

The Borowitz Report Podcast Andy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news. Andy Borowitz hosts short interviews with notable people in the news.

TBR welcomes the acclaimed Paul Karasik as a contributing cartoonist! A two-time Eisner Award winner, Paul has published work in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Nation, and The New Yorker. You can help support Paul’s work here. Leave a comment Share

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were still in a state of shock on Wednesday after discovering that Lindsey Graham’s sister Darline was not the stupidest member of the Senate Judiciary Committee. Although Graham appeared barely sentient throughout Tuesday’s proceedings, she did not emit what were universally viewed as the session’s most idiotic utterances, a broad majority of Americans agreed.

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an embarrassing attempt at a “gotcha” moment in Tuesday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearings, Senator Eric Schmitt (R-Missouri) appeared to confuse his ass with a hole in the ground. Grilling prosecutor Jack Smith, Schmitt barked, “Am I sitting over here on a hole in the ground? Yes or no answer.” “No,” Smith calmly replied.

Saul Loeb/AFP via Getty Images MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian oligarch who paid for Donald J. Trump Jr.’s recent wedding revealed on Tuesday that he would also bankroll the newlywed’s divorce. “I wish Don Jr. the best in his new marriage,” Umar Kremlev, who is close to Russian President Vladimir Putin, said.

Brendan Smialowski/AFP via Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented attack on two prominent integers, on Monday Donald J. Trump banned the numerals 2 and 9 after his approval rating dropped to 29. “Two and nine have treated me very unfairly,” said Trump, calling the numbers “low I.Q.” Going forward, sources said, the White House will report Trump’s approval rating in base 3, which means that 29% will convert to 1002%.

read my new book OBEY IN ADVANCE written with Carlos Greaves. Also doing stand up, links to everything here: https://linktr.ee/ginnyhogan