WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a contest to determine the 2028 Republican presidential nominee, on Thursday Donald J. Trump ordered Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Vice President JD Vance to face off in a UFC cage match at the White House this weekend. Trump decided to replace the traditional system of primaries and caucuses with a mixed martial arts competition because, as he told reporters, “Unlike elections, UFC fights are never rigged.” “These are both tough guys,” he added.