Andy Borowitz on Muck Rack

Andy Borowitz

United States
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Articles

McConnell Bolts Upright in Terror as JD Vance Enters Hospital Room

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
Andrew Harnik/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an incident that astonished his medical staff, on Wednesday Senator Mitch McConnell bolted upright in terror after JD Vance entered his hospital room. McConnell, who had been motionless and unresponsive prior to the vice president’s arrival, suddenly sprang to attention, his eyes bulging with alarm. “Get that bastard away from me!” the Kentucky lawmaker shrieked.
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WTF is Kristi Noem Doing?

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
Michael Gonzalez/Getty Images Whatever happened to Kristi Noem? I found myself thinking about our erstwhile DHS secretary/puppy exterminator over the weekend during Donald Trump’s incoherent commie-bashing mixtape at Mount Rushmore. Six years ago, with the granite landmark as his backdrop, Metamucilini gave a speech that was widely roasted for being racist and divisive.
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Trump Says His Funeral Will Draw Much Bigger Crowd Than Ayatollah’s

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump boasted on Monday that his funeral will draw a “much bigger crowd” than that of the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “The so-called Ayatollah, who was a loser and a terrible person, got a pathetic turnout for his funeral,” Trump posted on Truth Social.
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