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Andy Borowitz

United States
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Articles

Tommy Tuberville Opposes Contraception and All Other Polysyllabic Words

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
Drew Angerer/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining his opposition to birth control, Senator Tommy Tuberville said on Tuesday that he opposes contraception and all other words with more than one syllable. “I see the word ‘contraception’ and that’s a quick ‘no’ for me,” the Alabama lawmaker said. “Don’t know what that means. Won’t look it up.” Proud of his consistent opposition to polysyllabic words, Tuberville said, “Immigration. Education. Vaccination.
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Susan Collins Challenges Democratic Rival to Pearl-clutching Contest

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
Kevin Dietsch/Getty Images WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing down the gauntlet in her reelection campaign, on Wednesday Senator Susan Collins challenged her Democratic rival, Troy Jackson, to what she called a “live, televised pearl-clutching contest.” “For the past 29 years, when there’s been a tough call to make, I’ve responded by wringing my hands and furrowing my brow,” she told reporters.
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RFK Jr. Spreads Conspiracy Theory That His Mind is Being Controlled by Total Idiot

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By Andy Borowitz
| The Borowitz Report
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “most shocking conspiracy” he has ever unearthed, on Tuesday Robert F. Kennedy Jr. revealed that his mind is being controlled by a moron. “I don’t know exactly how my brain is being operated remotely, by an electronic beam or microwaves or whatnot,” he said.
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