Introvert, Dear

When I was younger, I had this idea that introversion was something that needed to be “fixed.” That mentality stemmed from being an introvert who was also sometimes shy (two different things!). Sometimes, I felt like I wasn’t doing “enough” to put myself out there, be assertive, or have fun. And, honestly, I didn’t even fully understand my introversion back then. So I inadvertently “faked” being an extrovert.

Boundaries can be an extremely difficult concept to understand for most people, especially when they’ve been raised in family units that consistently violate basic personal space. I grew up in a family full of extroverts — and, as an introvert, it wasn’t easy. I often felt like my need to have peace and quiet was frequently violated — and sometimes even mocked. This would make me feel like being around my family wasn’t safe.

Extroverts can struggle to understand introversion, as they might not meet or interact with many introverts on a regular basis. And since extroversion is considered the “norm” — sadly — many might not get the chance to become close with an introvert. This can cause them to miss out on the many positives that can come out of an extrovert-introvert relationship (whether it’s a friendship, romantic pairing, work colleague, and so on).

It’s no secret that some people think introverts are boring or have nothing much to offer in a conversation or as general company. We’re either “too quiet” or “not interesting” enough. But it takes time for an introvert to fully open up and show you their “normal” side. Below, I will list some things we introverts do that can come off as “rude,” but really are unintentional. I would know, because I am indeed guilty of doing some — if not, all — of these things.

I have a confession to make: I’ve never read Harry Potter. I’ve only heard a handful of Taylor Swift songs. And I’ve never watched a single episode of The Kardashians. I’ve always been like this. For some reason, the more popular something is, the less I want to partake in it. As a teenager and a 20-something, this tendency of mine hurt my social life, because I never wanted to watch the shows or listen to the music that everyone else was talking about. As I’ve gotten older, it matters less.

When you hear about introversion, does it feel like it’s describing you? Perhaps some characteristics sound like you, but others may not. For instance, you love spending time alone, are not a fan of small talk, and feel really drained after spending too much time with others. But… you also have a large circle of friends, like socializing, and don’t mind being the center of attention. Confusing, right?

I thought I was getting better. And then came the triggers. As I’ve shared in other posts, I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after surviving domestic abuse and stage three colorectal cancer. Like many people with PTSD, I struggled to sleep. I had nightmares. I felt hopeless, constantly on edge, and unable to work, focus, or function. But after months of therapy and intentionally caring for my mental health, I was beginning to feel more like myself again.

I met my now-husband at a local brewery in Oregon. We were both from out of state and had relocated to a small town on the coast. I was sitting at the bar of that local brewery, minding my own business as introverts do, when some guy I’d never seen before sat down next to me. I overheard him tell someone that he was from New York. He started up a conversation and I asked him what brought him all the way out to Oregon. “I’m visiting my brother.” “Oh, who’s your brother?” “Kayle.” No other explanation.

Do you ever dread a social situation that should feel comfortable? My cousin’s wedding was coming up, and that’s exactly how I felt. On paper, there was no reason to panic. This was family. These were people who had been with me through every step of my cancer treatment. The bride, my cousin, had battled breast cancer just a year before me — so she certainly understood what I’d been through. And yet, I felt incredibly anxious. Sure, I wouldn’t know many people there.

I’m a huge introvert, but I have a confession that may surprise everyone: I actually love being around crowds. People often assume that introverts love to be alone — all the time — in quiet settings, but that’s not necessarily true. Sometimes we love to be around large crowds (or groups of people), but with some exceptions: We don’t want to have to make small talk or have long interactions with people there.