Introvert, Dear

When I was a kid — and an introverted one, no less — my older brothers played a “game” with me. It was called Keep Away. Keep Away, of course, isn’t really a game. It’s condoned torture. The two (or more) people who are doing the keep-away-ing (of one of my toys or my teddy bear or some other object of value) taunt you with the thing you so badly want — while they gleefully prevent you from having it. Meanwhile, you, the person “in the middle,” keep fighting — unsuccessfully — to get it.

Entertaining is complicated for almost anyone. But for introverts, it can seem altogether overwhelming. Rewarding, but wholly depleting — and sure to lead to an “introvert hangover.” As a dyed-in-the-wool introvert, I have discovered things, through the years, that make entertaining much less anxiety-provoking for me. My husband’s career is referral-based, and he’s a pretty social guy, so we do a lot of entertaining.

Introverts, raise your hand if you’ve replayed a conversation in your head that didn’t go the way you’d wanted it to. And raise your hand if you’ve thought, I wish I’d said…, coming up with the perfect question, phrase, or comeback hours later. Yeah, same here. I get it. I was a reserved kid. I didn’t always say what was on my mind. Looking back, there were times when I didn’t feel heard, and even felt invisible. Sometimes, I feared I came across as hesitant or not assertive.

As an introvert, I sometimes find it difficult to navigate a world that seems specifically designed for extroverts — even though that shouldn’t be the norm. Because the extrovert ideal is often praised, it can sometimes lead to introverts “faking it” as extroverts. However, doing so works against an introvert’s natural abilities and can cause a variety of issues for them in society.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse wherein someone uses psychological control that can damage their victim’s psyche. The abuser may use denial, manipulation, and projection to undermine the person’s power. Gaslighting aims to make the victim feel confused about their own intuition — they may feel that what their heart says is invalid. Under these circumstances, the person may feel broken and hopeless, which can further affect their psychological well-being.

My therapist turned on the overhead light, and I winced. I had been sitting in the dark wearing a pair of aviator sunglasses that were too big for my face. Small pieces of ripped tissue were wedged in my ears. “I know I look insane,” I blurted out. “But I’m starting to get a migraine.” I rarely get migraines. But when I do, light and sound literally hurt. They send jolts of pain through my body, and every bright light or loud word feels like a personal attack against my skull.

“Why are you so sensitive?” It’s safe to say that a lot of introverts have been at the receiving end of these words at least once in their life. In fact, about 70 percent of highly sensitive people (HSPs) are introverts. It’s no secret that society has been somewhat harsh to those of us who often stand on the sidelines. And, as a result, a lot of us have been led to believe that being “too sensitive” is a weakness.

Apparently, some people don’t think I’m “introverted enough” — they’ll give a tilt of the head, a raised eyebrow, and a quick, disbelieving “What?!” This is all in response to what I consider a simple statement of fact: “I’m an introvert.” Apparently, because I have been sighted in public after dark — among other reasons — I don’t qualify. Which made me start to wonder — what exactly do people think when they hear the word “introvert”?

If you have trouble speaking up about your feelings, I can relate. It can be a little intimidating, and even painful, especially when it’s a close relationship. And even though we introverts love spending time alone, no matter how much we like our own company, sharing a bond with someone is important, too. It’s taken me several failed (and almost-failed) relationships to navigate this part of me.

Sometimes I wonder how — or if — my life would have been different had I known sooner that I was a highly sensitive introvert. What kind of memories would have been different? Would I have been spared of many heartaches? So many questions… I’m not thinking about these things because I’m not content with my life. Actually, I could never think of a time when I had been more at peace with who I am.