McSweeney's

Day 1 Pestilence has struck. The very week Endurance was to sail, Young Cecily awoke hot as a kettle. I, her loving father, could not depart frail Cecily in such a state. And Mrs. Shackleton is away at the suffragettes conference for the week, so old Shacky’s flying solo on this one. Day 2 Young James and Edward have now too been claimed, and I am starting to feel a dreaded throat tickle. Mrs.

Early in President Trump’s first term, McSweeney’s editors began to catalog the head-spinning number of misdeeds coming from his administration. We called this list a collection of Trump’s cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes, and it felt urgent to track them, to ensure these horrors—happening almost daily—would not be forgotten.

“As the federal health department launches a plan to wean patients off antidepressants, mental health advocates and psychiatrists say blaming the United States’ mental health crisis on overmedicalization and overprescription of psychiatric medications is an inaccurate portrayal of a complex problem.” — NPR - - - Recent studies show that too many Americans rely on SSRIs to overcome minor ailments, such as overwhelming sadness and crippling anxiety.

All right, here we go. I’m so bad at these icebreakers, and you all had such interesting facts. First one: I’m a Beyoncé superfan, and I’ve seen her in concert seven times. One time, my friends and I waited behind the venue for like two hours after the show, and she signed my T-shirt before getting on her tour bus. Second: I went to middle school with a guy named Dennis Shroder. He plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers now.

“President Trump said he hoped the war with Iran would soon be in the ‘rearview mirror’ on Tuesday, even as the terms of a cease-fire he signed remained secret and Vice President JD Vance acknowledged that it was ‘a very general document’ with few details.” – New York Times - - - After several profitable quarters from our line of War Mongering products, which include blowing up water facilities and a school, as well as temporarily disrupting one-fifth of the world’s oil shipments, we’re...

“The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. Congratulations to all!” — President Donald Trump, in a Truth Social post. - - - Citizens of the United Federation of Planets, as Starfleet’s Commander in Chief, I am pleased to announce: The war against the Romulans that I launched recently was an overwhelming success.

Pursuant to my father’s death earlier this year, Father’s Day should obviously have been canceled. However, due to an apparent clerical blunder, the holiday does seem to be approaching, notwithstanding its newfound lack of relevance. I presume that the error will be addressed by next June. In the meantime, please adhere to these etiquette tips to ensure a successful cookout. DO invite me to your barbecue. A girl’s gotta eat. DON’T pretend this isn’t a Father’s Day celebration.

You didn’t buy it because it looked enticing. Not because of its retro pink-and-gold packaging, and certainly not because of the photos on the box, which make the muffins look like tortilla-chip-sprinkled cups of raw ground beef. You bought it because your oldest kid is about to graduate from high school, and you’re shaky on your feet. You’re lucky you didn’t pull the box off the shelf and collapse into a freezer full of toaster waffles.

“Iran deal ends Trump’s war that revealed limit of US dominance.” — BBC - - - Step One: Withdraw from any agreement your predecessor made. A truly great negotiator does not inherit a deal; he wipes the slate clean so he can build one from nothing. Step Two: Bomb them after claiming interest in negotiating. In negotiation, there are no rules, except one: ABB—Always Be Bombing. Step Three: Claim victory. Announce that the nuclear sites have been completely destroyed.

Welcome… CUNY Hell’s Kitchen Class of 2026. Gooooo Twinks! Today… we CELEBRATE… Theculminationofyearsofhardwork. I want to thank Dean Meyer for her kind introduction. Dr. Meyer’s service to this institution is an inspiration. She has such a generous spirit, a wonderful brain — AND SHE’S GOTTA GREAT ASS. Hmm. My audience-response sensors are detecting elevated levels of discomfort, confusion, and anxiety. Recalibrating… Dialing back Heat Pacino, increasing Scarface. Re-initializing. Class of 2026.