McSweeney's

“The rapper Macklemore has been dropped as an opening act from Ed Sheeran’s stadium tour after he said ‘Free Palestine’ onstage before performing a protest song at a concert this month.” – New York Times - - - This is, objectively, a bizarre situation. Not because Macklemore said “Free Palestine.” People say “Free Palestine” all the time. At this point, it’s one of the most recognizable political slogans on Earth.

Dear Juvenile, Mr. Dogg, and Mr. Jon, I have just returned from an orthopedist and have concluded that my newly diagnosed degenerative knee condition could only have been caused by the numerous demands you and your colleagues made of my generation to do some variation of dropping it like it was hot, backing it up, and/or getting low. I am writing in hopes of drawing your attention to the human cost of your flippant commands.

For as long as humans have created SHIT with our BODIES AND BUTTS, we have been asking this FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION: What if there were a COMPUTER that could ALSO SHIT? It was this IRONCLAD CERTAINTY about people UNIVERSALLY WANTING MACHINE-GENERATED SHIT that drove us to create THE SHIT MACHINE, the machine that RAINS SHIT.

Welcome to your online group health class “Caring for Your Deep Laceration at Home.” We are sorry to hear that your body was badly cut, stabbed, or mauled. This class will teach you simple at-home care techniques you can start using today. I see we have a question popping up in the chat. “When can I see an ER doctor?” Great question. The ER can be a busy place, so out of respect for your time and our HMO cost-saving measures, you have been referred to take this class first.

Classics Homer “This guy gave his job talk in dialects. We need someone who can teach Freshman Greek 100.” Sappho “What’s the point now that DEI initiatives have been canceled?” Socrates “We read his teaching statement carefully. While the argumentative dialogue method might work in seminars, the ideal candidate should be able to teach multiple large lecture courses. Also, he seems to be way too interested in teaching/mentoring and not enough in research.

You just want to buy a caftan at Chico’s without being eyed suspiciously. A smooth countenance does not go with the orthopedic shoes you’ve been rocking. If you’ve got a Hotmail account, the jig is up anyway. You want to rob a bank while remaining invisible to everyone. You’re afraid of getting too much Botox and being given a job at Mar-a-Lago.

This is a preorder, the 2026 McSweeney’s Advent Calendar will begin shipping this October, in time for full holiday enjoyment. Enjoy 15% off your order when you purchase an Advent Calendar alongside a subscription to McSweeney’s Quarterly. Young person in your life? Click here to check out McSweeney’s Advent Calendar for Curious Minds. Listed as one of Wirecutter’s favorite Advent calendars. Do you hear what I hear? Your favorite holiday tradition has returned. Behold The McSweeney’s Advent Calendar.

“AI researchers shook the world Tuesday when they publicly acknowledged that there’s a non-zero chance of AI killing off humanity in the next decade.” — Axios - - - If you want to get technical about it, then yes, there is a non-zero chance of AI killing off humanity in the next decade. I can’t argue with that, and I won’t insult your mushy noodle brain by trying.

Skip to main content Underground Artists is an ongoing comic by Ali Fitzgerald (Hungover Bear & Friends) that follows woodland creatures as they create art and search out whimsy in a bleak forest. - - - Please help support our writers and keep our site ad-free by becoming a patron. ➤

“Rudy Giuliani… publicly criticized current Mayor Zohran Mamdani for planning to attend a 9/11 commemoration ceremony at Ground Zero on Friday… Giuliani’s criticism was heavily tinged with anti-Muslim sentiment and false claims about Mamdani’s beliefs. ‘They have every desire to take us over. This is not, they want to be just another religion, they want to dominate us,’ Giuliani said of Muslims.