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Articles by Miserable Shitehawk
How To Drive An Illegal-Ass Car For Years Without Getting Busted
So, maybe your car isn't necessarily legal to drive. You've got expired tags, an expired inspection sticker, and even an expired property tax sticker. Maybe it's been that way for more than a year. And considering your daily commute is an hour each way, in traffic, on major highways, you can practically feel the cops closing in. Well, I'm here to tell you how to avoid capture for the foreseeable future, if not years to come. You'll die before you go to prison. They'll never take you alive.
How To Eat At A Fancy Restaurant As Though You Belong There
I get it. Your favorite restaurant is Big Chuck's Grilled Meat Wagon, parked between The Noodle Truck and The Taco Truck down at the daily lunchtime curbside bazaar of food trucks. Fine. I, too, love Big Chuck's selection of grilled meats. He's got some quality meats down there on the wagon, no one is denying that.
Puppy Bowl, Fish Bowl, Kitten Bowl: Counterprogramming The Super Bowl
The over/under for the number of households that will tune in to watch the Super Bowl tonight is 113 million. There has never been a larger event in the history of television. What I'm saying here is you don't have to be a fan of football to tune in. People who don't watch this Super Bowl will spend tonight and most of the next week being profoundly irrelevant.
Best. Vacuum. EVER: A Guide To Ignoring The NFL Pro Bowl
It will be hard—achingly hard, if not nigh-impossible—for you, a committed sports fan, to divert your attention away from the luminous spectacle of competitive purity that is the 2015 NFL Pro Bowl, presented by McDonald's. It's a nightmare.
The Taxpayer Extortion Playbook: How To Ignore The NFL Playoffs Today
While all attention focuses on this afternoon's two championship games, the NFL is quietly and methodically running its taxpayer extortion playbook on the people of St. Louis. The Los Angeles trump card, the NFL's longtime key leverage in stadium negotiations, is being deployed with particular oomph.
Scary Movies Vs. Concussions: Today's Guide To Ignoring The NFL Playoffs
Frontline, the fine folks who brought you League of Denial, run a nifty little database called Concussion Watch, where they've kept a detailed count of all reported concussions across the NFL since 2012. You should check it out; it's interesting to click around and look at the recent history of concussions and the concussion protocols.
Inconceivable Stupidity: Your Guide To Ignoring Today's NFL Playoffs
So the Mueller report was released this week, and ho-ho! Look how it confirmed the NFL's story, of never having been granted access to the tape from inside the elevator. Amazing! That's great news for the NFL. See, here's the problem: what if the NFL never really did see the tape? What if their investigation was actually as unbelievably, unspeakably incompetent as the Mueller report suggests?
The Bullshit King-Making of Local 'Best Of' Lists
Big-name chef Patrick O'Connell made some news this week with a passive-aggressive swipe at Washingtonian magazine, D.C.'s foremost upper-crust see-and-be-seen monthly chronicle of How The Wealthy Live In Our Nation's Capitol.
Getting Screwed With Your Pants On: A Guide To Ignoring The NFL Today
Even by dismal NFL standards, the Colts' stadium deal is fucking bullshit. There's Jerry Richardson using the same extortion mechanics behind public financing to secure "private" construction financing via Personal Seat Licenses, and then there's the Indianapolis Colts just screwing the whole goddamn state of Indiana right through their pleated pants.
Crazy-Ass Numbers Games: Your Guide to Ignoring the NFL Playoffs Today
Get a load of this shit, from the Carolina Panthers' own goddamn website, about Bank of America Stadium, where the Panthers will today host a sham of a playoff game they have absolutely no business participating in: Opened in the summer of 1996, Bank of America Stadium is located in uptown Charlotte and was specifically designed for football.
Dan Snyder's Stooge Has Spotted A Symbol of Organizational Dysfunction
Here's a surprise: Craven Dan Snyder hand-puppet Chris Cooley took a break from manning the office of Exalted White Ex-Player at D.C.'s Snyder-owned ESPN radio affiliate to go in, for the umpteenth time, on former teammate Robert Griffin III, to Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post yesterday.
Pink Elephants On Parade: Your Guide to Ignoring the NFL Today
What a day for football, you guys! Here's a rundown: Practice-squad quarterback Connor Shaw leads the Browns against the Ravens in a game Baltimore must win in order to have a chance at a playoff berth. The Ravens also need help in other Week 17 matchups, if they win. That's a big if! Never count out Connor Shaw, you guys.
The Profound Shittiness of ALS: Today's Guide to Ignoring the NFL
This week the Washington Post's Rick Maese published a harrowing, fairly devastating account of the recent hardships of former NFL fullback Kevin Turner, a leading plaintiff in the NFL concussion lawsuit, who is locked in a desperate battle with late-stage ALS.
Owners Suck: How To Ignore The NFL Today
At a certain point the question becomes this: Is there a labor group within the NFL that the owners are not willing to just brutally mistreat? Because this shit is getting ridiculous. We already know about the players. The NFL conspired for years to keep information about concussions from the players, who are constantly exposed to brain injury.
A Special Sunday Syllabus: Today's Guide to Ignoring the NFL
Below you'll find some great and required NFL reading from around the interwebs, for all the time you will spend not watching football today. Dig in! Here's Patrick Hruby at Sports on Earth, on witnessing the sorry aftermath of the NFL's brutality up close and reaching his personal breaking point. Along similar lines, here's The Atlantic's Ta-Nehisi Coates on growing away from the NFL in the wake of his decision to quit watching after Junior Seau's suicide.
Cops Are Bad Because America Is Bad
Here's this: It's grabbed from a New York Daily News article, but the same basic information is available anywhere: Eric Garner's death was caused by an illegal chokehold and was ruled a homicide. Now, here's this: Note, first of all, that those are all white people. Consider this an important demonstration of the way casual, institutionalized racism works.
Soccer Gots Brain Dingers, Too, Y'all: How To Ignore Football Today
So, here's a common refrain down in the comments of these Sunday punch-bowl poop posts: DURR THEY GOT CONCUSSIONS IN SOCCER TOO Y'ALL DURR DON'T THAT MAKE Y'ALL A BUNCHA HYPOCRITES DURR. Let's get the most obvious part of this out of the way: Yes, there are concussions in soccer. There are concussions in basketball, too, and baseball, and lacrosse, and in hilariously slipping on a banana peel at the top of the world's tallest spiral staircase.
"We Want Colt! We Want Colt!": Your Guide To Ignoring The NFL Today
In a recent Washington Post poll, 65 percent of respondents predicted that someone not named Robert Griffin III will be Washington's starting quarterback in 2015. What's awful about that is not the majority, but the probability that they're right. The 25 percent who predicted the starting quarterback would be Colt McCoy are probably on drugs.
Principles of Player Safety: A Guide To Ignoring Football Today
If you buy the notion that the NFL can use penalties to curb the kind of violence that causes brain damage, this would appear to be the kind of hit that deserves, well, something. Terrence Brooks launched himself into an unprotected Delanie Walker and the resulting impact left Walker with a concussion. The play was not flagged, and the NFL decided this week that it wasn't worthy of any fine.
How To Make Tuna-Bean Salad, Cheap Chow To Feel Good About
Albert Burneko is off. Your guest Foodspinner is friend of the program and pork belly enthusiast Miserable Shitehawk. If you're anything like me, a couple times a week, you look up at three p.m. and realize you haven't eaten a goddamn thing all day and are ravenous. This is the every-other-day moment when all your best intentions go out the window.
Disposable Feature Backs: Today's Guide to Ignoring the NFL
Let us discuss the absolute bullshit that is the rookie wage scale and the NFL's terrible non-guaranteed contracts. So, prior to the 2011 NFL lockout, NFL draft picks signed contracts with their new teams that were based upon bargaining leverage.
The Wussification Of America: Today's Guide To Ignoring Football
What follows are excerpts from a New York Times article entitled "The Homicidal Pastime": When a game, a recreation, a pastime that boys engage in for their health results in the death of a considerable proportion of the contestants and in the more or less serious injury of many others it is evident that there is something the matter with the game. It does not accomplish its sound and wholesome purpose.
Cowboy Down: Today's Guide To Ignoring The NFL
Maybe you're not especially moved by Roger Goodell's smug, shitty, pinch-faced crookedness. Maybe the particulars of the NFL's ridiculous personal conduct policy just don't rate. And maybe the whole concussion thing—I mean, yawn, right? Surely there is one thing we can all agree on, and it's that Dallas Cowboys fans are the worst shit on earth.I mean, just look at this shit:Oh, wait, that's their franchise quarterback. OK, hang on, here, have a look at this horrible creep:Gross, right?
Damn Those "Fickle Beasts": Your Guide to Ignoring the NFL Today
Rookie wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin of the Carolina Panthers suffered a concussion on his team's final offensive play of Sunday's 37-37 tie with the Cincinnati Bengals. But at the time of the hit, Benjamin was cleared by the NFL's sideline concussion protocol. No concussion had occurred, it said.
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