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Articles by Patrick Monreal
Iron availability modulates bacteria carbon cycling in the mesopelagic
Abstract The mesopelagic zone is an important boundary between the surface and the deep ocean. Heterotrophic bacteria in this region impact the attenuation of organic carbon (Corg) through its consumption and conversion back to inorganic carbon. While iron (Fe) is known to limit primary production, the impact of Fe on mesopelagic heterotrophic bacteria growth and Corg degradation is less understood.
Organic ligands in whale excrement support iron availability and reduce copper toxicity to the surface ocean - Communications Earth & Environment
Abstract Nutrient recycling by marine megafauna is a key ecosystem service that has been disturbed by anthropogenic activity. While some hypotheses attribute Southern Ocean ecosystem restructuring to disruptions in micronutrient cycling after the elimination of two million great whales, there is little knowledge of trace metal lability in whale excrement.
Microbial strong organic ligand production is tightly coupled to iron in hydrothermal plumes
Abstract The oceanic iron inventory exerts a key control on upper ocean primary productivity and thus is intricately linked to the carbon cycle. Hydrothermal vents have emerged as an important source of iron to seawater, yet only a subset of this iron is soluble and persists long enough to be available for surface biological uptake.
Microbial siderophore production is tightly coupled to iron in hydrothermal plumes
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Running out of isolation spaces, Stanford begins storing COVID-positive students in Collegeboxes units
With COVID-19 cases numbering 400 and counting, Stanford reportedly ran out of isolation spaces for students who test positive. To resolve the situation, Residential & Dining Enterprises (R&DE) announced Thursday that it will begin locking COVID-positive students in the Collegeboxes storage units for the quarter. “I’m pretty sure there’s no ventilation in those things, so omicron can’t get in or out,” said Assistant Vice Provost Dean of Housing Management Bryce Myers.
Video: Professors react to mean course reviews
Mark Duggan, director of the Stanford Institute for Economic Policy Research and, Alexander Nemerov, chair of the Art and Art History Department react to some reviews of their courses ECON 1: “Principle of Economics” and ARTHIST1B: “Introduction to the Visual Arts,” respectively.
After 49 years, man finally has enough daylight saved up
Celebrating his 49th “spring forward” for daylight savings time, Sen. Marco Rubio announced last week that he finally has enough daylight saved up. As such, he introduced new legislation ending the antiquated practice. “It’s crazy, they don’t tell you what you’re actually saving all this daylight for,” said Rubio in a press conference, adjusting his G-SHOCK Master of G “GRAVITYMASTER” wrist watch.
Persis, MTL announce machete-wielding man from FoHo exclusive to make all decisions from now on | The Stanford Daily
Following a decision-making process about as transparent as a Crothers basement window, the entire Stanford community has finally lost faith in whatever ****ing magic conch shell Provost Persis Drell and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne were consulting in winter-quarter planning. “It is with deep regret that we announce we can no longer delude frosh and sophomores into boarding a plane to the literal epicenter of a global pandemic,” wrote Drell and Tessier-Lavigne.
Skipping doctors, Stanford announces first round of vaccines to go to premed undergraduates enrolled in CHEM 33 | The Stanford Daily
With the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines coming soon to theaters near you, there appears to be light at the end of the tunnel. However, instead of vaccinating frontline medical workers, Stanford Medicine has announced that it will be reserving the vaccines for premed students. “Our plans ensure equitable distribution of the COVID-19 vaccine, while prioritizing immunity for the most important Stanford affiliates,” explained Dean of Stanford Medicine Lloyd Major during his own vaccine.
Dear Gavin Newsom, here’s why you should appoint me to replace Kamala Harris in the Senate | The Stanford Daily
So here’s the deal, Gavin. After stealing the election with fraudulent mail-in ballots, Senator Kamala Harris is set to become the next vice president of the United States, meaning you get to appoint her replacement. California certainly has its fair share of qualified candidates — from Attorney General Xavier Becerra ’80 J.D. ’84 to former “Gilmore Girls” star Lauren Graham.
5 cocktails to help you cope with the fact you’re not coming back in the winter | The Stanford Daily
The University has announced its intention to bring back frosh and sophomores to campus winter quarter, but who are they kidding? The odds of that happening are as good as those for Provost Drell taking a stand against the Hoover Institution. As badly as we want to be hungover at Stern brunch again, we know a lot of things — like students just now getting their tests — have to line up perfectly for that to happen.
New Stanford startup that is just worse version of Instagram seeks to change the way we think about social media | The Stanford Daily
Seeking to change the way we think about social media, Donovan Winters ’24 and Johnny Sutton ’23 created Unrelated Noun — Stanford’s newest and most innovative startup company. The application, which allows users to “friend” each other and post photos and videos, changes the way we think about social media. “You see, we really wanted to put the ‘social’ in social media,” said Winters.
Chemistry dept. amends weekly exam requiring students to juggle beakers on camera while reciting the periodic table from memory | The Stanford Daily
After receiving complaints about their unrealistic testing policies, the Department of Chemistry responded by dropping the portion of their weekly exams that forced students to juggle beakers brimming with corrosive acid on camera while simultaneously reciting all 118 elements of the periodic table in order of their electronegativities. “We understand the inequities and difficulties of a remote education,” explained department chair Beven Stoxer.
Dear Abby: What do I do if I suspect my professor may be a member of antifa? | The Stanford Daily
DEAR ABBY: I’ve recently come to believe that one of my professors is a member of the domestic terrorist organization known as antifa. The signs were subtle at first. Sometimes I would notice him drinking coffee out of a mug with Donald Trump shaped like a poop emoji or catch him expressing support for “Black Lives Matter” during a lecture. Sure, these displays made me uncomfortable, but I wasn’t too concerned.
Leak from MTL’s office reveals COVID-19 zones that didn’t make the cut, including the ‘Legacy Zone’ and ‘Twilight Zone’ | The Stanford Daily
A recent message from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne informed the Stanford community of the creation of “zones” on campus in preparation for the academic year. Inspired by Allied-occupied Germany, the zones of occupation define varying levels of access for community members. The Occasionally was able to obtain preliminary plans for these zones, revealing a totally different scenario than MTL suggested last week.
Op-Ed: Trust me, remote classes are definitely worth the 5% tuition hike! | The Stanford Daily
The logic is simple. The cost of an in-person education at Stanford last year was $52,857. It only follows, then, that the cost of a completely remote education — devoid of Stanford’s resources — should be more. Let’s say, 5% more! At $52,857, students were basically robbing the University. Stanford was providing us with a world-class education and the opportunity to explore anything our minds dreamt of. And what did we give them? Nothing. Well, besides money.
Incoming frosh struggles to come to terms with fact that no one in college shares love of NASCAR | The Stanford Daily
Incoming freshman Boomer Grogan ’24 recently opened up to TheOccasionallyabout his anxieties surrounding the start of his college experience. Among common concerns — like whether or not attending school will contribute to the ongoing spread of COVID-19, thereby exacerbating the global health crisis and endangering precious human lives — Grogan also worries that no one in college will share his love of NASCAR.
Virtual New Student Orientation just Stanford-themed Rosetta Stone package | The Stanford Daily
This week, Approaching Stanford mailed materials for a “new, exciting and innovative” orientation to the Class of 2024. In addition to a lanyard and a couple vegan chicken tenders from The Axe & Palm, students received a Stanford-themed Rosetta Stone CD to help them practice Stanford phrases. “Stanford speak is basically its own language, so we went with the latest in language acquisition programs,” said Jon Flubber ’23, a New Student Orientation (NSO) coordinator.
After heated discussion, Faculty Senate votes against ‘Round Earth’ resolution | The Stanford Daily
Like many, did you leave the May 28 meeting of the 52nd Faculty Senate shortly after its vote against divesting from fossil fuels? Well, if that’s the case, you probably missed its historic decision on the “Round Earth Resolution.” “We the Faculty Senate of Leland Stanford Junior University officially believe that our planet’s geodesy is round and not flat,” read the proposed resolution.
RA begins literally fading away as residents forget them | The Stanford Daily
Stanford Residential Assistants (RAs) — now scattered across the country — are reporting symptoms like “slowly deteriorating into the netherworld” and “sadness” as their residents begin forgetting their existence. “Were they even real in the first place?” asked Dominique Volorio ’23. “I mean, as much as I enjoyed having John or James or whatever as an RA, everything seems off now looking back at it.” According to the RAs, it begins with a small but persistent earache.
New study finds vaccine designed to protect against disease may actually protect against disease | The Stanford Daily
A new study published by the Literal Authority on Diseases has found that a vaccine developed to fight off disease might actually fight off that disease, shocking suburban moms and medical dabblers across the nation. “It seems that those years and years of research, trials and testing that were put into making this vaccine were, in fact, real,” said study lead Dr. Doug Hibbenschwan.
Gov. Newsom briefs California: ‘Yes, I individually glue each hair in position every morning’
The uncertainty surrounding the era of COVID-19 has left Californians with many questions. When can we go back to school? How long will we have social distancing? Why did Bill Gates create this virus? Where does Joe Exotic find his husbands? In a press briefing last week, Gov. Gavin Newsom attempted to put the state at ease, answering the question on everyone’s mind.
9 ridiculously cute Zoom backgrounds to put a smile on anyone’s face
It’s Week 4 of spring quarter. If you’re like me, virtual classes have been weird. Between professors not knowing how to share their screen, awkward breakout rooms and the occasional shot of someone going to the bathroom, it’s definitely not the ideal learning environment.
Sheltering in place, in haikus
Inspired by a list of shelter-in-place haikus published by The New Yorker, we collected haikus from Stanford students that document — both amusingly and seriously — their experiences in quarantine. Please share one of your own with us here! Social distancing. Neighbors have their friends over??? SO-CIAL-DIS-TAN-CING?????? —Julia Gong ’21 Refrigerator; Once again, I return to Refrigerator. —Dylan Grosz ’20 We joke diplomas Will be sent as PDFs. I prefer jpeg. —Eve La Puma ’20 Quarantine day nine.
Mr. Owl just tested positive for COVID-19, and he’s been licking all the Tootsie Pops
“That self-serving, UNAMERICAN,” wrote my aunt on Facebook. “This is what happens when people can’t keep their tongues in their beaks.” My aunt was, of course, reacting to the news that rocked the nation this morning — the beloved Mr. Owl tested positive for COVID-19. Even more unsettling, Tootsie Roll Industries alerted the nation that he had been licking every lollipop in production since 1970. “We regret the actions of our mascot,” said Tootsie Roll Industries spokesperson Candy Nottingdale.
Quarantine especially difficult for local serial killer
We get it. Quarantine is hard and boring. You feel isolated and scared. You may be unable to work. The shelter-in-place orders implemented by several governments as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak impacts the lives of virtually everyone — including serial killers. “It’s hard to be in my line of work when there’s no one really out in public,” explained one local anonymous serial killer, who hereinafter is referred to as the Munger Marauder.
Student wears Nerd Nation shirt for 6th straight day this week
Like many Stanford students, when Randal Herrera ’23 left for home two weeks ago, he didn’t know he was leaving for six months. He packed one suitcase, a backpack and two hydroflasks filled with Fireball. “When the provost emailed us saying classes were going to be online the rest of the quarter, I packed up and yeeted,” Herrera said.
MTL apologizes to daughter for flaking on Family Weekend
In a trove of leaked correspondence between high-level Stanford administrators, campus watchdogs uncovered an apology text from President Marc Tessier-Lavigne MTL to his daughter for skipping out on Stanford Family Weekend. “I’m really sorry, honey, I have a thing to go to this weekend,” read the text message. “Maybe next year?
I forced a bot to read over 1,000 emails from my Academic Advising Director then had it write its own
Hello, student. Quarter 5 in Winter Week welcomes you! I hope you have been going well for the quarter. I know classes are happening. Now is time to ask questions. Are you self-care? Are you withdrawal deadline? Are you reflection? REFLECTION There are deadlines approaching that are nearly dead. Interested in becoming research? Apply for money soon! Scientific Computing Department has its summer research program. Pre-Med Department has its summer research program.
ASSU candidate spotlight: 2 debate kids in a trench coat, provost in a mustache and more
Prepare your apathy — it’s student government election season! Prospective candidates filed for Associated Students of Stanford University (ASSU) elections last week. Last year, an earth-shattering 34% of students turned out to vote on election day. The Occasionally is doing its part to increase this number by spotlighting some of the candidates who filed last week. Read on if you intend to participate in the most important election in the United States this year. Persis Drell in a mustache.
Stanford researchers uncover link between increased productivity and having 6 Outlook tabs open
In a study published last week, researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business (GSB) revealed that they discovered a link between productivity and the number of Outlook tabs open on your laptop. “One or two just won’t do it,” said Daily Editor-in-Chief Holden Foreman ’21. “You really need seven or eight to be efficient.
U.S. News names Palo Alto as the nation's most affordable city in 'alternate dimension' category
U.S. News also named Palo Alto the third best college town in America, behind Ithaca and Fresno.
New students avoid 'freshman 15' by trying out Malibu cleanse
Next time you visit a dining hall, you may want to check out the purple pantry for Malibu (photo edit: Patrick Monreal/THE STANFORD DAILY) Satire by Patrick Monreal — October 9, 2019October 9, 2019 You may have heard of trends like the paleo or keto diet, but the latest health fad captivating the nation actually originates here, inside the dorms at Stanford.
In effort to boost patient care, Vaden replaces CAPS with Dr. Gregory House
After pushback from faculty and staff, Vaden ensured the campus community that House’s services would exceed the goals and expectations of CAPS, “and then some.” (Patrick Monreal/THE STANFORD DAILY) Satire by Patrick Monreal — October 2, 2019October 1, 2019 With the new school year in full swing, Vaden Health Center announced new changes to improve the overall quality and experience of Stanford students.
Tracking bricks at Eurotrash
(Graphic: BYLAN BROSZ/The Stanford Daily) Satire by Patrick Monreal — October 1, 2019October 1, 2019 If you thought Vice Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole tackling the police wasn’t exciting enough, wait until you hear about this: Following the events of the annual Eurotrash party at Kappa Sigma (KSig), rumors quickly spread about an individual throwing a brick-shaped projectile at an officer containing the party.
Susie Brubaker-Cole tackles cop outside KSig to get frat suspended
Satire by Patrick Monreal — September 30, 2019September 29, 2019 It was just your typical quiet, calm and laid-back Eurotrash. 5-SURE was stationed at their regular corner of Campus Dr. and Mayfield Ave., showering passersby with cinnamon Pop-Tarts; waves of drunk frosh were anxiously asking everyone how to get to Kappa Sigma (KSig) and Vice-Provost for Student Affairs Susie Brubaker-Cole was tackling cops. “The events that took place on the evening of Sept.
Kamala Harris pledges to combat climate change by locking up the carbon dioxide
Satire by Patrick Monreal — September 27, 2019September 26, 2019 Given how sexy the issue of impending doom sounds to voters, it’s not surprising that many Democratic candidates for president have released unique plans to address the climate crisis. This week, Senator Kamala Harris — daughter of emeritus professor of economics Donald Harris — revealed her own unconventional solution: throwing all the carbon dioxide in jail.
New at Stanford Bookstore: Cardinal Scents, with flavors ranging from Band Run to Naturdays
Patrick Monreal/THE STANFORD DAILY Satire by Patrick Monreal — September 26, 2019September 26, 2019 You’re not a real Stanford student until you have experienced the thrills of shopping at the Stanford Bookstore.
Inside Stanford’s Last Fallout Shelter: a time capsule to Cold War politics and protests
A shot from inside the only bomb shelter that is on University officials' radar (Courtesy of Alan Launer) by Patrick Monreal — September 25, 2019September 25, 2019 “You, the first person to read this, are temporarily in charge of this shelter.
Summer Rundown: rising sophomore returns to hometown church, political science major runs for rural-town mayor, and more
Satire by Patrick Monreal — September 24, 2019September 23, 2019 A lot can happen over summer break — especially at a place like Stanford, where students use the three-month-long vacation to do things like write a book, found a company or train for the Olympics.
Can't decide which section of The Daily to join? Take this quiz
by Patrick Monreal — September 19, 2019September 19, 2019 While you're here... We're a student-run organization committed to providing hands-on experience in journalism, digital media and business for the next generation of reporters. Your support makes a difference in helping give staff members from all backgrounds the opportunity to develop important professional skills and conduct meaningful reporting. All contributions are tax-deductible. Make my donation a monthly donation.
CDC officials investigate lanyard outbreak on east campus
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily Satire by Patrick Monreal — September 18, 2019September 18, 2019 Stanford police are requesting that all undergraduates remain indoors through the end of next week following reports of a lanyard outbreak on east campus. The first notice came early Wednesday morning, when the Stanford University Department of Public Safety (SUDPS) issued an AlertSU notification stating that masses of unidentified persons wearing red lanyards were spotted swarming dorm complexes.
I’m boycotting everything from SoulCycle to David Schwimmer to protest Trump
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily Satire by Patrick Monreal — August 9, 2019August 9, 2019 This is it. This is the final straw. I woke up this morning to news that Stephen Ross — CEO of the company that owns SoulCycle and Equinox — will be hosting a huge fundraiser for the re-election of Donald Trump. What am I going to do about it? I’m protesting everything, starting with SoulCycle and Equinox. I know, it’ll be hard.
Senate passes three bills in final meeting of the school year
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily by Patrick Monreal — May 29, 2019May 29, 2019 In its final meeting of the academic school year, the 21st Undergraduate Senate passed three bills, discussed summer plans and brainstormed individual projects — all in under 45 minutes. All three bills had been discussed at the Senate’s previous meeting.
Grounds management uses infinity stones to wipe out half of the caterpillar population
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily Satire by Patrick Monreal — May 13, 2019May 12, 2019 Students on east campus received an email from Residential & Dining Enterprises (RD&E) late last week notifying them about “routine pest control.” In order to mitigate the rampant population of western tussock moth caterpillars on campus, grounds management utilized the six infinity stones.
Visiting scholar, a registered sex offender, served felony sentence for sexually assaulting a child
Despite a 2005 felony conviction for sexually assaulting a minor, a registered sex offender is currently a visiting scholar in Stanford’s Economics department. The individual, Kurt Mitman, began his Stanford position in March, and is set to continue at the University through June of this year, according to his online resume.
Senate discusses committee reform, continues in-house elections
Patrick Monreal/THE STANFORD DAILY by Patrick Monreal — May 7, 2019May 8, 2019 At the second meeting of its term, the newly-installed 21st Undergraduate Senate discussed a bill that would strike the standing committees of the Senate and completed several housekeeping items, including the in-house election of Mià Bahr ’22 as Senate Parliamentarian and Jonathan Lipman ’21 as Faculty Senate Representative.
Chemical researcher Stacey Bent named new vice provost for graduate education
Rod Searcey/Stanford News by Patrick Monreal — May 6, 2019May 6, 2019 Last week, Provost Persis Drell announced Stacey Bent Ph.D. ’92 will assume the role of vice provost for graduate education and postdoctoral affairs on Sept. 1. The Jagdeep and Roshni Singh Professor in the School of Engineering will succeed Patricia Gumport Ph.D. ’87, who launched the office of the Vice Provost for Graduate Education (VPGE) in January 2007.
ResX unveils new iPhone RA Plus at annual media event
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily by Patrick Monreal — April 19, 2019April 18, 2019 The whole world stopped on Tuesday afternoon when ResX Chief Executive Officer (CEO) Susie Brubaker-Cole — dressed in a black turtleneck and jeans — presented at the company’s annual media conference. The highlight of the event was the reveal of the next generation of technology: the iPhone RA Plus.
After being snubbed by Billboard, Lil Nas X wins Nobel Prize
PATRICK MONREAL/The Stanford Daily by Patrick Monreal — April 17, 2019April 16, 2019 Exciting news broke in Sweden over the weekend, as the Royal Swedish Academy announced that Montero Lamar Hill, professionally known as Lil Nas X, had won the Nobel Prize in literature for his smash hit “Old Town Road.” “From the sensational rhythm to the catchy lyrics, Lil Nas X has produced one of the greatest pieces of this century,” the Academy said in a statement.
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