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Articles by Phil Witte
July/August 2026 Issue
This issue features hilarious cartoons and stories about: Grads, Allergies, Silver Linings, Summertime, Easy Living, America, Hindsight, Siblings, News and More! With Cartoons By: Clay Bennett, Marc Bilgrey, Harry Bliss, Jon Carter, Dave Coverly, Bill Griffith, Joe Heller, Nicole Hollander, John Jonik, Keith Knight, Mary Lawton, Liniers, Tim Lockley, Dan Misdea, Sarah Morrissette, Mark Parisi, Maritsa Patrinos, Rina Piccolo, Hilary Price, Ted Rall, Jim Shoenbill, Jen Sorensen, P.C. Vey, Matt...
Phil Witte’s Cartoon (2)
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Witte Lives By Wits
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Readers’ Comments On How To Make The Perfect Hard-Boiled Egg
Weird and unhelpful observations welcome Instructions: Place an egg in a pot of cold water, so that the egg is completely submerged. Leave the pot uncovered and bring the water to a roiling boil. Turn off the heat, cover the pot, and let the egg sit for about ten minutes. Drain, then run cold water over the egg until it’s cool. Peel and enjoy. Comments: What am I supposed to do while the egg “sits” for ten minutes? Is there a microwave version of this?
Extinct Characters Who Should Be Brought Back to Life
BETTER THAN ZOMBIES I miss them — don’t you? Before genetic engineers set their sights on creating herds of wooly mammoths, we should look closer to home for opportunities to improve society through science. A few possibilities come to mind. Grandma Who Makes Pies — Every time you visit, you’re greeted with the scent of a homemade pie baking in a vintage farmhouse oven. Shoofly, mincemeat, and other pies that reflect a bygone era await you.
Conspiracy Theories You Can Believe In
Bootleg Humor Since 1720. The premier place for funny — the fastest growing humor pub on Medium. Experience the MuddyUm difference. We support all types of humor and comedy writing and illustrations. We publish fast. We edit well. Run by a ship full of Pastafarian Pirates. Follow publication DEPT. OF DISINFORMATION What is truth, anyway? The January 6th insurrection was staged by far left agitators, led by performers bussed in from the Actors Studio in New York, and choreographed by Mel Brooks.
“Everyone In Hollywood Loves Your Proposal For A New Series”
Phil Witte · Follow Published in Slackjaw · 3 min read · -- Photo: RDNE Stock project via Pexels Enthusiastic Producer: “Hi, come on in. Have a seat, grab a Le Croix.” Buzzy Young Writer: “Thanks for inviting me.” Enthusiastic Producer: “So, what have you got? Pitch me.” Buzzy Young Writer: “It’s a little different.” Producer’s Enthusiastic Assistant: “We love different. Not too different.” Buzzy Young Writer: “I think it’s best if I just show you. Here.” Enthusiastic Producer: “Huh.
Witte Eats Everything in the Kingdom
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Useful Maneuvers That Heimlich Ultimately Rejected
Phil Witte · Follow Published in Slackjaw · 2 min read · -- Photo: Shiny Diamond on Pexels Dislodging an apology — Stand directly in front of offending speaker. Squeeze temples firmly until apology emerges. If apology is conditional, squeeze harder.
Issue 164 | Philosophy Now
Issues Thoughts on Thought by Rick Lewis News: October/November 2024 World Congress: a report from Rome • Morality found to change with weather • Critic & philosopher Fredric Jameson dies — News reports by Anja Steinbauer From Birds To Brains Jonathan Moens considers whether emergence can explain minds from brains. Mary Leaves Her Room Nigel Hems asks, does Mary see colours differently outside her room?
Benjamin Franklin's Unrecorded Responses to the Question "What Have We Got, a Republic or a...
A republic, where every man and woman over age 18 can freely vote - j.k.! A republic, if you can keep a secret - I'm not supposed to tell anyone until we all yell "Surprise!" A monarchy, and I'm your new queen.
Self-Improvement Books That Beg To Be Written
Writes for Slackjaw, The American Bystander, Funny Times, Points in Case, and a blog for CartoonStock. Cartoons in publications in US & UK. toons.to/philwitte
In An Exclusive Interview, The Planet Jupiter Spills Its Gaseous Guts
Jupiter, thank you for allowing us to orbit around you for this interview. Certainly. To avoid possible reader confusion, you’re the planet Jupiter, not the Roman god of the same name. When you interview the Roman god Jupiter, do you ask him to confirm that he’s not the planet Jupiter? Well, the Roman god was a myth. You, by contrast, are real. Damn straight. Let’s go over the basics quickly.
Super Bowl Predictions: S.F. Niners vs. K.C. Swifties
“Bud Dudman here with T.J. Growler, talking football, talking Big Game, talking Super Bowl LVIII in L.V. Fired up, T.J.?” “Fired up, Bud!” “Then let’s get down to it. Who do you like to take home the Lombardi?” “Niners have so many weapons on offense — you got McCaffrey, Deebo, Aiyuk, Kittle, and of course young Brock Purdy. They score in bunches once they get going. But I wonder about their defense, Bud.” “How so, T.J.?
Phil Witte’s Cartoon (2)
Your complimentary articles You’ve read one of your two complimentary articles for this month. To have complete access to the thousands of philosophy articles on this site, please You can register for a free account to have four complimentary articles per month. We will occasionally email you a newsletter, from which you can unsubscribe at any time. We do not sell personal data or otherwise disclose personal information to other organisations.
We Miss You At Yoga Delight
From: Your friends at Yoga Delight To: Sarah B. Subject: We Miss You! Hi, Sarah! We haven't seen you at Yoga Delight in 3 weeks, and we miss you! Our certified yoga instructors are eager to welcome you back. At Yoga Delight, it's all about you! From: Your friends at Yoga Delight To: Sarah B. Subject: Hey, Sarah Just checking in, and hoping to see you again soon at our studio. From: Your friends at Yoga Delight To: Sarah B.
Dog Bites Agent - A Hollywood Scene
"I need work, Jake. I can't just lie in the sun all day." "If there was work for you, I'd get you a screen test, you know that, Sasha." She could smell his lies right through his Gucci for Men cologne. "That's what you've been saying for the last two years." "Get real, baby. You're what now - seven?" He shrugged and gave that wide, tight-lipped, what-do-you-expect smile. "The prime of life!" she shot back, baring her fangs.
Book Reviews By Friends Of The Author Who Didn't Much Like The Book
By Phil Witte Photo: Gary Chan "Where to begin with My Father's Mustache, My Mother's Loom, the memoir by Francine Frendomine? I suggest page 1, or, for those with time to spare, the preface, or possibly the foreword, or, for those with nothing but time on their hands, the introduction. After that, you're on your own." "It would not be fair to compare this book to my own memoir...
As This Week's Featured Speaker, I Am Honored to Speak About Me
By Phil Witte Photo: Priscilla Du Preez Thanks, everyone, for inviting me to speak at this luncheon. Thanks, Dottie, for that introduction, although I prefer to think of myself as more than just a local businessman who offered to fill the speaker slot after the astronaut canceled. Most of you know me as the man behind one of the largest roof repair and replacement business establishments in the...
Phil Witte’s Cartoon (2)
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Phil Witte’s Cartoon (1)
You’ve read one of your four complimentary articles for this month. You can read four articles free per month. To have complete access to the thousands of philosophy articles on this site, please
Daily Cartoon: Wednesday, June 8th
“Can we close before the next Fed meeting?”
Phil Witte’s Cartoon (1)
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Anatomy of a Cartoon: Poets and Poetry – The CartoonStock.com Blog
Cartoon critics Phil Witte and Rex Hesner look behind the gags to debate what makes a cartoon tick. This week our intrepid critics take a look at poetry cartoons. Poetry: arguably the highest form of literary expression and the least appreciated. Who among us after college, or in the case of computer science majors, after high school, has blown the dust off a volume of poetry and enjoyed an evening of verse? Poets and poetry deserve our attention.
Rob’s Album Of The Week: The Dirty Nil’s Fuck Art
It might be a meat and potatoes kind of approach, but a genuine rock & roll band has the potential to be a refreshing thing. In an age where there are a ridiculous amount of genres and subgenres in music, the simplistic style that depends on a raucous riff can be exactly what the listener needs. There isn’t any filler, just sheer amplification to energize the senses. Roaring out of Hamilton, Ontario, The Dirty Nil have been embracing this attitude for 15 years.
Phil Witte’s Cartoon
Your complimentary articles You’ve read one of your two complimentary articles for this month. To have complete access to the thousands of philosophy articles on this site, please You can register for a free account to have four complimentary articles per month. We will occasionally email you a newsletter, from which you can unsubscribe at any time. We do not sell personal data or otherwise disclose personal information to other organisations.
Phil Witte’s Cartoon
You’ve read one of your four complimentary articles for this month. You can read four articles free per month. To have complete access to the thousands of philosophy articles on this site, please
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