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Articles by Rick Miller LICSW
Who Are the Second Moms in Your Life?
Even as a self-proclaimed Mama's Boy, I realize that no matter how much love we share with our mothers, we can also share it with others. Your mother isn't perfect; she doesn't have to be the person solely responsible for your well-being. There are often mother figures in your life who can, and do, fill in the gaps. For people who struggle with relationships with their biological mothers, a second mom may be the ideal mom—the one who makes you feel more special, who gives you recognition.
Who Are the Second Moms in Your Life?
Why Relationships Matter Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship? Find a therapist to strengthen relationships The mother figures we experience in addition to our biological moms have a special role to play. Don't overlook the importance of any "bonus" moms you may have. No mother can be everything to her child, and chosen moms can offer enrichment or help heal or fill gaps.
Should Couples Save Their Tough Conversations for Therapy?
John and his partner Mark are in couples therapy with me, and John always saves up conversations about money—their hot-button issue—until they're safely ensconced in my office. There are plenty of opportunities for them to discuss financial decisions and complaints at home, but John refuses to because "I know we'll end up in an argument," he says.
Should Couples Save Their Tough Conversations for Therapy?
Why Relationships Matter Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship? Find a therapist to strengthen relationships Early in therapy, saving tough topics for sessions can prevent explosive arguments at home. Many couples who make progress in therapy begin to have healthier conversations outside of sessions. Difficult issues can be discussed outside of therapy once couples have some experience. Therapy may also be an appropriate use of time to have the most challenging conversations.
You're a Perfectionist. They're Not. Can You Make it Work?
Source: Getty images/Unsplash You might initially think it can't work—after all, what could be more opposite than these two extremes? Actually, this isn't an unusual combination in couples—mostly because there are a lot of people who experience, to one degree or another, these two tendencies. But can they find happiness together with such opposite needs? I remember sitting with a certain couple in my practice: he had a tendency toward being scattered, unaware, and she was a perfectionist.
You're a Perfectionist. They're Not. Can You Make it Work?
Find a therapist to help with ADHD Perfectionists seek order for safety; non-perfectionists prioritize differently, not out of spite. Recognizing your differences and not personalizing conflict helps reduce relationship friction. Mutual respect and regular check-ins foster better understanding of each other’s needs. You might initially think it can't work—after all, what could be more opposite than these two extremes?
To Risk, or Not to Risk?
What Does "Self Help" Mean? Take our Self-Esteem Test Find a therapist near me Just when you think everything's perfect, your intuition may indicate otherwise. Expect anxiety and uncertainty when you take risks. Making change doesn't come without loss, but it certainly is worthwhile. Everybody’s afraid of change. Admit it: you are. I’ll admit it: I am. But there are people who manage to get past their fear of change and embrace it.
To Risk, or Not to Risk?
Everybody’s afraid of change. Admit it: you are. I’ll admit it: I am. But there are people who manage to get past their fear of change and embrace it. (I find those people fascinating.) Others resist until the very last minute. Which one describes you? How many of you are living your lives knowing you’re reasonably happy, or living a routine you’re comfortable with, and sticking to safety and maintenance, even though a part of you might know you need—or want—more?
Live More Fully by Planning for Death
Source: Anthony Tran/Unsplash I've written some posts recently about the impact of losing clients—and even losing one's therapist—to death, and it strikes me that despite its ubiquity in our lives, death still seems to be as taboo a subject as it ever was—even within clinical conversations. One of my clients, who had a degenerative disease, passed away last week, and I was reminded of this afresh as I spent time with her preparing for her imminent death.
Live More Fully by Planning for Death - Rick Miller Licsw
Planning for death is scary business—but getting it done ahead of time is priceless. Accepting illness is a gradual identity shift, not a linear or instant process. Thoughtful planning eases the burden on grieving family and brings peace to the dying.
How Our Memories Reconstruct the Past
It's okay to acknowledge that your memory isn't perfect. Have a little fun with others when your memories don't align. Arguing over different memories of the same event won't help conflict resolution. It turns out that many of our memories aren't what we think they are. Source: Tamara Malaniy/Unsplash About a month ago my husband and I visited Rome.
How Our Memories Reconstruct the Past
It's okay to acknowledge that your memory isn't perfect. Have a little fun with others when your memories don't align. Arguing over different memories of the same event won't help conflict resolution. It turns out that many of our memories aren't what we think they are. About a month ago my husband and I visited Rome.
What Baseball Taught Me About Being Myself
Now that baseball season is opening, I'm finding myself once again reminded of my deficiencies. Let me take you back to the year 1981. At a large family gathering, the group decided it would be fun to play a game of baseball together—and as soon as they did, my heart sank. After all, I was already in college and no longer had to submit to the torture of gym class! And suddenly now I’m in a large field playing baseball? How can I escape this?
When Your Mom Dies
I've done a lot of work around people's relationships with their mothers, and one of the most difficult challenges clients face is the death—either imminent or fait accompli—of their mother. Let's face it: This is not (usually) an uncomplicated relationship, and saying good-bye to your mother is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
Saying Goodbye to the Iconic Moira Rose
Source: Shawn Goldberg/Shutterstock Catherine O'Hara's death last week hit me hard, I have to admit. Even though Schitt's Creek has been over—sadly—for six years now, it's still a part of so many people's everyday life and references, and O'Hara's Moira Rose was its indisputable queen.
Male Couples Stay Together Longer Than Many People Think
Studies find that male couples stay together longer than female couples do. It's time to appreciate the unique benefits that come from a relationship between two men. Male couples have strengths that all couples can learn from. I recently came across a study that puts a whole new spin on our understanding of gay relationships. And I have to say I was surprised at the findings—and I am both a couples therapist and married to a man myself! So, of course, I had to break it down and explore further...
Even Therapists Need to Prepare for the Inevitable
So here it is: Therapists die, too. Now that I've got your attention...! But in all seriousness, if you follow this blog, you'll know that I've written about clients' deaths and how they impact their therapists. I've talked about how deeply we feel their loss and alluded to the few support systems that are available to us. But it works the other way, too.
Building LGBTQ Communities
Source: Ivana Cajina / Unsplash So here’s what I’m learning: If we had more communities delivering messages of inclusion instead of silencing them, all our families would flourish. And now, more than ever, we need messages of positivity and belonging. It never ceases to amaze me how loving and accepting people can be, bringing hope to a world of division.
How We Can Face Marriage Rights Under Threat
Source: Sandy Millar/Unsplash A Gallup poll released in May of this year found that a record-high 88% of Democrats support same-sex marriage. Support from independents stands at 76% … but Republican support has dipped to 41%. Conservative legislators are increasingly speaking out against the Supreme Court’s landmark 2015 ruling on same-sex marriage equality, and Justice Clarence Thomas himself has expressed an interest in revisiting the Obergefell decision.
Source: BoliviaInteligente/Unsplash I recently recorded a podcast with my co-host, Lilian Borges, in which we discussed the utility of artificial intelligence in our profession. I have to confess that I needed to do a lot of research; I myself have used ChatGPT only occasionally—and in fact, I sometimes even forget it exists. Researching for the podcast challenged and interested me in looking into how it’s currently being used in my field.
Is ChatGPT a Therapist’s Best Friend?
Source: BoliviaInteligente/Unsplash I recently recorded a podcast with my co-host, Lilian Borges, in which we discussed the utility of artificial intelligence in our profession. I have to confess that I needed to do a lot of research; I have used ChatGPT only occasionally—and in fact, I sometimes even forget it exists. Researching for the podcast challenged and interested me in looking into how it’s currently being used in my field.
Opening Your Relationship? You Can Learn From Male Couples
In recent years, there’s been a flurry of interest from heterosexual couples in “opening up” their relationships and exploring ways of being sexual and emotional with people other than their partner. In particular, Molly Roden Winter’s 2024 memoir More seemed to entice readers to be daring—yet I felt it lacked any fundamental joy in the practice. Men have had open relationships and experienced polyamory long before there was a term for it.
Male Couples and the Impact of Their Families of Origin
For gay men, a subculture of community often dictates how they should live—how they appear, where they live, where they travel, who their friends are. If they grew up with trauma, many have learned to distance themselves from their family dynamics. But to create a new life as a couple, gay men need to come to terms with their pasts and decide how to be together.
Male Couples and the Impact of Their Families of Origin - Rick Miller Licsw
For gay men, a subculture of community often dictates how they should live—how they appear, where they live, where they travel, who their friends are. If they grew up with trauma, many have learned to distance themselves from their family dynamics. But to create a new life as a couple, gay men need to come to terms with their pasts and decide how to be together. Our families, and in particular our parents, taught us what we know about relationships and intimacy.
When Your Therapist Is Tired of Talking About Politics - Rick Miller Licsw
Aa Aa Aa - A + Here’s what people tend to forget: Therapists are human. That's easy to forget in formal therapeutic settings, but some situations bring it home, situations that show we’re not immune to what affects everyone. Like most people I know, personally and professionally, I was dismayed by the results of the U.S. presidential election. I slept poorly that night, and for days afterward felt defeated.
When Your Therapist Is Tired of Talking About Politics
Here’s what people tend to forget: Therapists are human. That's easy to forget in formal therapeutic settings, but some situations bring it home, situations that show we’re not immune to what affects everyone. Like most people I know, personally and professionally, I was dismayed by the results of the U.S. presidential election. I slept poorly that night, and for days afterward felt defeated.
When Your Client Gets Ready to Die on You - Rick Miller Licsw
Aa Aa Aa - A + At some point or another, all clinicians deal with death. Our clients may have unresolved issues around their own deaths or someone else’s; a person close to them may be dying or threatened with death; we lose colleagues and must work through what that means for our professional lives. And, more often than we’d like, our clients themselves die. Dealing with a client’s death affects our personal, private lives as well as our professional ones.
Who Does What?: Choosing Roles for Gay Couples - Rick Miller Licsw
Aa Aa Aa - A + Male relationships can run into challenges from the start, because two men coexisting as men don’t have a lot of historical role models. Working out how to be together isn’t intuitive. Some men have internalized homophobic images of masculinity, and have had to be hyper-masculine in order to get by. Others aren’t comfortable with any expressions of perceived femininity in themselves…or in their partners, because of how they see these traits reflecting back on them.
Saying Goodbye Is Hard for the Therapist, Too - Rick Miller Licsw
It’s something we’ve all experienced, and more frequently than you may think: Clients decide to end therapy, sometimes abruptly before the therapist feels either party is ready to terminate, and without talking about it beforehand. There are myriad reasons for these decisions, some healthy, some not-so-healthy. But what doesn’t get any attention is the effect they have on the therapist left behind.
What Straight Therapists Need To Know About Gay Male Clients
As I spend more time teaching mental health professionals about working with gay men, I continue to be appreciative of the vulnerabilities and questions that heterosexuals have for me. I’m always thrilled to have people interested in serving their clients best by asking me questions they may not feel comfortable asking out loud. The most popular question is whether it is okay for a heterosexual therapist to work with a gay man.
Does Retail Therapy Count as "Real" Therapy?
I don’t know how others in the psychotherapy field feel about that question, but my answer is a resounding—yes! I didn’t come to this conclusion overnight. I grew up in a family that for two generations owned and managed women’s clothing stores. My father used to describe himself as having “retail in his blood,” and even though I didn’t follow in his footsteps, I totally understand his perspective.
The Importance of Asking Questions - Rick Miller Licsw
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Traveling Alone While Gay - Rick Miller Licsw
I recently went on a trip to the Azores. My husband was teaching a seminar in China, and I realized I could either stay home alone—which would be fine—or do something really special like he was doing; so I decided to cross the Atlantic and hike an area that’s still relatively pristine and unspoiled. And I decided to do it alone. I obsessed about traveling alone, especially as a gay man. Would I feel comfortable? Would I be pegged as gay? Would I be safe from bullying or actual physical violence?
You’re More Than Just My 10:30.
People spend a lot of time and money on therapy, and they often feel close to their therapists in all the obvious ways—support, affirmation, growth, change. Many clients assume that the relationship is one-way, that they’re really no more than just the 10:30 slot on the therapist’s schedule. I am here to tell you how far that is from the truth. After 40 years of practice, I’ve heard and absorbed just about everything imaginable, but this past year has been different.
For Many, Holidays Were Never Picture-Perfect - Rick Miller Licsw
And, just like that, another holiday season is upon us. As we watch TV, buy gifts for loved ones, and go to holiday celebrations, we are reminded of what the holidays are based on a narrow idealized image of Christmas. For many people, these representations remind us of magical experiences we remember from childhood—and the truth is that in our heart of hearts, we carry those same expectations going forward: the holidays, we tell ourselves, are magical times, celebrated with friends and family.
Why Going to Bed With Your Client Isn’t Sexy
Source: Shutterstock, Dena Drobot, with permisssion It’s classic transference: you want to sleep with your therapist. But it doesn’t usually work the other way around. And yet… one night, during the pandemic, I inadvertently had someone else in my bed, and most likely it was a client! Fortunately we’ve all adapted to Zoom during the past year, including therapists like myself who do telehealth sessions.
When a Therapist (Accidentally) Takes a Client to Bed
Source: Shutterstock, Dena Drobot, with permisssion It’s classic transference: You want to sleep with your therapist. It doesn’t usually work the other way around. And yet…one night, during the pandemic, I inadvertently had someone else in my bed, and most likely it was a client. Fortunately, we’ve all adapted to Zoom during the past year, including therapists like myself who do telehealth sessions.
Meet Olympic Mother Kelly Rippon!
I’m obsessed with mothers. That’s why I started a project (that later blossomed into a nonprofit) called Gay Sons and Mothers, in which I chronicle how a mom’s acceptance of her gay son impacts his overall well-being. I’ve observed how mothers intuitively know what to do in accepting their gay sons—whether they realize it or not—and how a lack of acceptance can impact sons in devastating ways.
Isn’t It Time? Having the Nerve to Acknowledge Our Strengths
Do you deflect attention from yourself when others praise you? Do you minimize your accomplishment, putting the focus on the other person giving or changing the subject all together? Ever notice how your body feels uncomfortable during these moments? Maybe you cringe a little or feel a tightening in your jaw or chest, or maybe you even make a funny face? It’s particularly common for gay men.
My Evening with Armistead
Let me start by saying it wasn’t just my evening with him. There were 119 others at the Crown and Anchor in Provincetown, Mass., spending “An Evening With Armistead Maupin.” He read to us from his newest memoir, Logical Family. His book was just released in stores and online. My good fortune was not only that I got to see Mr. Maupin in such an intimate venue, but that I was seated in the second row, just about 20 feet from him, and it was as if he were speaking to only me.
Returning to Normal Yet?
It is an odd time. Dealing with COVID continues to mean switching back and forth between adaptation and normal, between go-with-the-flow and freakout. Shifting from one state to another is normal and pretty much the experience of everyone we know. And now it is the end of summer. The vacations, barbecues, and “time off” have been modified or erased to meet the ever-changing rules.
From Overwhelm To Empowered: Join me
I am a white man. That comes with privilege. I am aware of it. I have thought a lot about this package deal, think a lot about it, and I speak about it with my friends and colleagues. I grew up in an intact family with a plentitude of resources. As a therapist who knows about people’s experiences growing up, I appreciate that what I was provided with is beyond most. I was fortunate. I never rebelled against my background, instead I enjoyed what I had been given.
LOSS IN THE TIME OF COVID
I am one of those people who loves funerals. Why? Because of the rituals — eulogizing the loved ones who have departed, reconnecting with old friends and family to share memories of the person we loved, enjoying laughter, love, sharing food, and most important, speaking the truths about life, loss, and grief. Having just attended a funeral with social distancing practices in place, I thought it would be useful to share some reflections.
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