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Articles by Shaunti Feldhahn
The Dating Recession: Why 70% of Singles Aren’t Dating
Researchers are calling it a “dating recession” (which is also the name of the report). And this matches what we’re hearing from young adults in our research. | Image courtesy of Adobe Stock. If you’re single and dating feels unusually hard right now, you’re not imagining it. A fascinating report from the Institute for Family Studies looked at roughly 4,500 single young adults who had never been married but hoped to marry someday.
6 Ways To Talk About Gender Differences (Part 2)
I think we can probably all agree that we are living in a weird moment. Ten years ago, who would have thought that the concept of gender would become so convoluted and divisive? Sure, some people would get defensive at the idea of gender differences, but it wasn’t quite a “third rail” in the way it is today. In our cultural moment, it can feel easier to avoid the whole topic. I’m not sure we should.
6 Ways To Talk About Gender Differences (Part 1)
It seems like everywhere I turn lately—while being interviewed on a podcast, speaking at a church, or even talking to the person next to me on an airplane—people keep asking the same question: “Since you’ve done so much gender research, how do you respond to this hot-button topic these days?” They often follow up with: “What do you say to people in today’s cultural space who insist that gender differences do not exist or are a social construct?” Let’s talk about that.
What Your Husband Is Really Thinking When He Wants Sex
You’re all for intimacy and connection. But your husband is making moves, and you are tired. You can’t help but wonder: Why does he want sex … again? Our research has shown that, for most guys, sex is not primarily a physical need — it’s primarily about a deep emotional longing . . . and emotional connection with you. Here are four things he’s not saying out loud when he reaches over and pulls you close after a long day:
Bearing One Another's Burdens Means More Than Therapy Referrals
An excerpt from When Hurting People Come to Church on how lay ministry can supplement and support professional mental health care. The 2023 warning from Thomas Insel, the former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, was pretty stark: Our nation is facing a new public health threat. ... Feelings of anxiety and depression have grown to levels where virtually no one can ignore what is happening. ... 90% of Americans feel we are in a mental health crisis. They are right.
What I’m Loving Lately - Summer 2025
Sometimes it’s good to simply stop and laugh out loud. Or even to tear up with a good cry. I can go either direction. There really are terrifically funny humans on this planet. And when caring people go that extra mile to make someone else’s day better, I can get a little misty eyed even if seeing it on my phone while I’m in line at the grocery store.
Boy Mom Cracks The Code On Male Behavior: Jenilee Samuel
If you’re trying to figure out how the boys (and men) in your life operate, this week’s guest on the podcast is a must-listen. Jenilee Samuel, host of the popular podcast Java With Jen, offers heartfelt tips—including one question she and her husband have learned to ask that is nearly guaranteed to dial down conflict. Who doesn’t like a guarantee?
Fatherhood: Dave Barnes Ponders The Laboratory Called Home
This week’s Father’s Day guest blog comes to you from singer/songwriter and co-host of the Dadville podcast Dave Barnes. I love his take this week on how home is like a lab (social media loved it too, because the post went viral)! Dave is heartfelt and hilarious, and I hope you’ll check out his music and his podcast. -Shaunti By Dave Barnes If I had known I would go viral I would have fixed my hair. Or at least not had on a sweatshirt.
8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 4)
Welcome back to the final installment of a series on expectations in marriage. With content aimed at newlyweds (but relevant for long-marrieds too), we’ve been taking aim at the unhelpful expectations that both women and men tend to bring into marriage. This week, we’ll look at the final two expectations that men often have.
8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 3)
Expectations are appropriate in marriage, right? Things should be a certain way. We stepped on a landmine and we’re not even three sentences into the blog. Should. What if our “shoulds” are leading to unnecessary unhappiness? More to the point, what if we have expectations of our spouse that they are just not wired to meet? As I wrote in parts 1 and 2 of this expectations series, much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations.
8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 2)
Starting last week and continuing for the next few weeks, we are looking at the almighty expectation—picking up an ongoing series that equips young couples to start marriage on the strongest footing possible. As I mentioned last week, much of the unhappiness we experience in marriage is due to unhelpful expectations. I prefer “unhelpful” over “unrealistic” because I don’t want to suggest that we should lower our standards.
8 False Expectations Newlyweds Should Avoid (Part 1)
Oh, to be newlyweds again. (And all the long-marrieds just collectively sighed a happy sigh.) The early years are exciting years! Full of planning, promise, and … pitfalls. Didn’t see that last one coming, did you? Googly-eyed at the altar, many young married couples don’t either. In this article (and the next several) we’re going to pick up an ongoing series that equips young couples to start marriage on the strongest footing possible. We’re going to tackle the almighty expectation.
Fame, Faith, And Putting Marriage First
What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed down, and your finances broke down. But your marriage made it. This is the story of this week’s podcast guests, our friends Montell and Kristin Jordan. Some of you are remembering the 90s R&B hit called This is How We Do It and wondering if it’s the same Montell. It is.
Behind The Scenes In The Speaker Life
The speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves for a February women’s event in Arizona. What I didn’t know was that although I was flying into Phoenix (which was 70 degrees and sunny) the retreat was in Flagstaff (where it was 28 degrees and snowing). My toes froze! I think feeling just returned last week.
5 Quick Steps To Calm A Stressed-Out Child (Part 2)
Were you surprised last week to learn how important it really is to listen to our kids? To really stop what we’re doing, pause any ideas about helping them or fixing the situation (biting our tongues if necessary), and truly just let them know they are heard? Anxiety is on the rise in kids, and as parents, we hold tremendous power to soothe their stress.
5 Quick Steps To Calm A Stressed-Out Child (Part 1)
As parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics, pay for our cosmetics and ibuprofen (it’s no wonder we need the latter), and make it out alive. Or our tween’s big worries and big feelings come at bedtime—the night before our big presentation at work. And we have to somehow help them settle without our stress going through the roof, right?
How To Deal With Difficult People (part 2)
By Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie Davies. She is one of the kindest people I know, even when—especially when—it is challenging. So, I wanted to include her insight this week. It’s easy to be kind to nice people. Doesn’t take much effort. The other person reciprocates, and everyone feels warm inside. But when we choose to be kind to difficult people, we enter territory that truly transforms us and, often, others.
How To Deal With Difficult People (part 1)
By Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie Davies. She is one of the kindest people I know, even when—especially when—it is challenging. So, I wanted to include her insight this week on how to deal with difficult people. It’s easy to go dancing through the daisies with nice people. We like those who are enjoyable, agreeable, and pleasant.
Perfect Practice Makes Perfect (Part 2)
Last week I told you that hard work doesn’t always bring the win. It’s not practice in and of itself that makes perfect—it’s practicing the right things. You could call it … perfect practice. Gratitude is one of those things that is worth every ounce of practice we can devote to it. Why? It’s one of the eight core elements for a life of joy, which we identified in my recently re-released faux leather soft cover book Find Joy.
Perfect Practice Makes Perfect (Part 1)
You know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I love speaking at conventions like that. One main reason is that I know it will come with the opportunity to hang out with and learn from the other speakers. But some time ago, it was the assistant of a Christian speaker who absolutely captivated my attention with a remarkable story.
With Money, The Three Gs Matter (part 2)
In my last post, I unpacked discontentment and how damaging it is to us and those around us. This is especially true of our kids! When we model an if/then approach to money (you know: If I have this, then I’ll be happy), we are also—intentionally or not—are laying a foundation for our kids’ future views. Instead, we have an opportunity to send our kids into adulthood with a firm handle on the Three G’s: Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace.
With Money - The Three Gs Matter
I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to share a cup of coffee at my kitchen table, let’s just say you’d have to be okay with kitchen cabinets that have a certain 1981 flair. Oh, and cereal boxes that are stacked on top of our refrigerator because we have no pantry. In fact, for years, I groaned about that, saying (or thinking) things like, “It would be so nice to have a pantry. If we had storage space, then I’d be happy.” Did you catch it?
Why Can’t My Husband Seem To Take Criticism Part 2
When it comes to how our men handle criticism and conflict, two big misunderstandings are often in play. Misunderstanding #1: Men are prideful and have a big ego, so they can’t stand to be questioned Misunderstanding #2: Men avoid issues by checking out Before you read any further, you’ll want to backtrack to my last post to see what drives these two really sensitive areas.
Why Can’t My Husband Seem To Take Criticism
Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?” The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment of a marriage conference I led with Jeff last year.
From Struggle To Strength: A Marriage Transformation Story
If your marriage is in a season of difficulty, you will not want to miss the incredible reconciliation story of our guests this week on the podcast. In Episode 2 of I Wish You Could Hear This, our dear friends Scott and Sherry Jennings share their profound journey through control issues, addiction, and infidelity to divorce … and finally to remarriage. Listen in to discover the really doable, simple building blocks they built their second marriage on.
Why Doesn’t My Wife Feel Secure?
Today’s blog is for the guys, and trust me you’ll thank me for years to come. I’m going to help you decode your wife’s most baffling behavior. Have you ever wondered why your wife: Asks “Do you love me?” even though you just told her this morning? Takes your need for space as a signal that you’re trying to get away from her? Wants to talk about your relationship … mostly at the times you least want to? Here’s what running underneath.
Welcome To Our Podcast - And Our Crazy, Unscripted Story!
Jeff and I should never have met at Harvard in fall of 1992. We were in different years of our programs, different schools—and at the one meeting where we might have had a chance at meeting each other, he left early and I arrived late. And that was that. But God. I literally bumped into Jeff later that night. Later, I *might* have joined an acapella singing group because he was in it.
Lessons From The LA Fires On Persevering Through Pain
Like many of you, I have loved ones who are deeply impacted by the Los Angeles fires and the ongoing aftermath. Some close friends live just blocks from the Eaton Fire flashpoint and 90% of their Altadena neighborhood is gone. As of this writing, their house is still there … and so they and their kids are still there, with no water or electrical service, trying to protect their home from constant wind-borne embers, flaring hot spots, and roving looters. This picture is from their back windows.
I Wish You Could Hear This
I’ve been keeping a secret from you. If you caught last week’s blog (the top 10 most popular blog posts from 2024) you saw that I teased a big announcement at the end of the blog. It’s been in the works for a little while and it’s been a dream for Jeff and me for even longer.
Top 10 Blog Posts From 2024
Marriage, contentment, and … unicorn whales? Those were the top blog topics of 2024. I’ll explain! As many of you know, each year we unveil our annual roundup of the top 10 blog posts from the previous year. (If you’re already frustrated at not being able to keep your New Year’s resolution, read #5. I think you’ll be encouraged.) Think of this top 10 list as your cheat sheet of lessons from 2024—a collection of the topics and stories that resonated most with our readers.
Looking Back, And Looking Ahead
What a year, ya’ll! As I’m sure each of you can relate, my year was so full of twists and turns. On one hand, I got to do more of what I love and have been called to do: I released Find Hope, a beautifully designed 60-day devotional to encourage women toward biblical hope that “sticks”—hope that’s more than just wishful thinking. I got to encourage audiences all over the country (often with Jeff) with scientific research and biblical truths proven to help relationships and lives.
A Christmas Prayer For You
Merry Christmas, friends and ministry supporters! I am thrilled this week to introduce you to my Blog Coordinator Kristy Floyd. She works so faithfully behind the scenes, mapping out the blog posts we bring to you regularly. Out of her own time in Luke Chapter 2, she was moved to write a prayer for us, and I can’t think of a better way to usher out 2024 than to usher us into God’s presence. Feel free to say this prayer out loud and make it your own. May this season be a beautiful one for all of you.
Merry Christmas, From My Team To You!
This week I’ve invited my staff to share a favorite tradition or memory, and you will not be disappointed! From a simple nativity set that meant something big to a little girl, to a Stretch Armstrong action figure that actually stretched so far it broke, enjoy the humor and heartwarming memories from my team, with a special note from me at the end. – Shaunti
The 12 Days Of Christmas Break: Connect With Your Kids
Technically, the 12 Days of Christmas don’t start until Christmas Day. But for parents about to embark on the no-school, altered-schedule, too-much-travel, lots-of-sugar season (a.k.a. Christmas break), the holidays are coming in hot. This year, let’s aim higher than barely scratching through the season with our sanity intact. Let’s purposefully use this time to create connection with our kids.
Try A New Spin On Thankfulness This Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is in two days. This sent a jolt of panic just now through those of you hosting family gatherings! Will there be sufficient room in the oven? Did I buy enough potatoes? Will everyone get along? Others are reading these words in a busy airport, navigating stress and crowds in order to spend the holiday with loved ones. Still others felt warm inside just now because Thanksgiving—and the moment it provides to pause and thank God for all He has done—is your very favorite holiday.
5 Powerful Ways To Stop Arguments Before They Start
Remember the “Wear this, not that” memes that made the rounds years ago? I’m taking a page from that playbook to look at five ways to stop arguments before they start—phrases we can use to work with, rather than against, our spouse when conflicts arise. I’d recommend you literally stash these as a cheat sheet in your purse, wallet, or some easy-to-grab location, and then use them liberally in the heat of the moment.
3 Steps To Take When The Wife Earns More
Sam and Rachel, a couple we interviewed in our research, were navigating an income pattern that is increasingly common today: she earned far more than he did. When the kids came along, it made much more financial sense for her to remain the primary breadwinner and for him to work part-time and spend more time with the kids. Yet there were some tensions that came along with this reality. And they aren’t alone.
Encouraging Secret That Will Transform Your Election Season
Well, not surprisingly, there are intense feelings about the election. As was true in last week’s Part 1 of this two-part series, I am not going to tackle politics. We have enough of that whenever we look at the media or listen to our contrarian family member. What I am going to do is remind us of the truth we demonstrated in Part 1: Despite what it looks like, we’re not as divided as we think. It’s not even close.
This Encouraging Secret Will Transform Your Election Season
We are days from an election. Red vs. blue. Talking heads are digging in their heels on extreme positions. Political texts seem to arrive every five minutes (I live in the battleground state of Georgia, but I know it’s everywhere). And of course, there are very real and legitimate concerns. But the concerns I have are of a different nature: How do we walk through this ongoing season well?
Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mom’s Story
By Charlyn Elliott For Breast Cancer Awareness month, I’m thrilled to introduce you to someone who puts the “special” into her title of special projects director on my staff. Charlyn Elliott is my secret weapon, my dear friend, and this week, she shares a personal breast cancer story that I know will encourage your heart. It’s been 36 years and a lifetime ago. October has long been a bittersweet month for me.
For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your Marriage
Guys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage. It’s easier to show than tell, so watch these two short sports videos first. A while back, I came across this Instagram reel that captures former Detroit Lions quarterback David Blough (now an NFL assistant coach) watching his wife Melissa Gonzalez race in an Olympic preliminary qualifier.
5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You Knew
In honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted pastors out there. Jeff and I speak in churches all over the country, and have met more of you than we could ever count. Of course, we all can—and should—celebrate our pastors more than one day a year, and I want to shed light on practical ways we can do just that.
What Parents Need To Know About College Kids Mental Health 2
This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant, Amy Masaschi, wrote about her son’s anxiety and depression at the start of his college career. This week, I’ll offer several steps to help parents navigate the college years in a supportive way. College students need support for their mental health—and a growing body of research bears this out.
What Parents Need To Know About College Kids & Mental Health
I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece about navigating her college freshman’s anxiety and depression last year. I’ll follow up next week with statistics every college parent needs to know – plus steps to take if your college student is slipping into an uncharacteristic depression or anxiety. By Amy Masaschi My son’s path to college was every bit as exciting as I had hoped it would be.
“Election Edition” Of The 30-Day Kindness Challenge
Whether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think we can all agree that it’s time for a kindness reset in our country. If you are weary from political hostility and want to “do something” to change the tone, our ministry has developed a tool that can help you actively be part of the solution. The need—and a solution Our politically toxic culture needs a dose of kindness.
For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts - And Yours.
For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and reflect on all that God has done. I’ll be honest, never in my wildest dreams did I think this book would succeed like it did—and help marriages succeed like they did. Twenty years and 1.7 million copies in 26 languages later, I can say this with certainty: For Women Only tapped raw nerves and real needs in ways that have helped two generations of women discover the inner lives of their men.
5 Tips For Making New Friends
Show of hands, where are the Friends or Seinfeld junkies? You know every re-run. You can quote all the best lines. (“Pivot!”) But do you know what made those shows work? Of course, there was brilliant writing and comedic timing. And the characters helped us recognize our own personality traits and mental health struggles in a non-threatening way.
6 Tips To Trade Helplessness For Healthy Control (Part 4)
This is the final part of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In part 1 and part 2, we explored what learned helplessness is, and what it might look like in our lives. In part 3, we shared the first two (of six) steps for ridding it from our lives. This week, we cover the last four steps.
6 Tips To Trade Helplessness For Healthy Control (Part 3)
This is part 3 of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In Part 1 we explored what learned helplessness is, and in Part 2 we used a marriage example to examine what it might look like in our lives. This week and next, we share the six steps to kicking it to the curb in any part of life. If you missed part 1 and part 2 of this series, you’re going to want to tap the brakes on this part 3, and read those two first.
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