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Articles by Teddy Johnson
Navigating college with a stuffed dinosaur
Growing up, I was a dinosaur kid. Others loved trains, cars, fire trucks or boats – but not me. I was a dinosaur kid. Recognizing this, my parents gifted me with the best gift a dino-loving-6-year-old could want: a ticket to “Dozin’ with the Dino’s” at Chicago’s Field Museum. This meant I got to spend a night at the museum! Just like the movies! Better yet, the Field Museum was a dead animal zoo, filled with my favorite dead dino’s, birds, mammals and people (mummies). I was in heaven.
First Headline Dump of April
OPINION: No one cares about the cooler you painted for frat formal FACT: No one cares about the cooler you painted for your frat formal New ‘Super Mario’ movie sparks rise in men who want to grow mustaches New golf tournament called ‘The Beginners’ introduced for new golfers who dream of competing in ‘The Masters’ Queen Elizabeth rises from the dead, got bored being unalive Youth ‘Hunger Games’ fan club goes too far, hosts Hunger Games Jr. resulting in 11 deaths before being discovered by...
Day in the life of a Jeep driver
This article is facetious, and if you are bothered by this, I’m probably who you are writing about. 12:50 p.m.: Wake up. Check to see PuhPa’s credit card statement only to see that I’ve reached the spending limit for the month. Too many O-bombs last night. I suck at driving. No worries, Mother’s American Express Gold card will have to do. 12:55 p.m.: Time for class. May as well drive there since Daddy paid for it! Oh a parking ticket? $150! Who cares, add it to my bursar balance.
Teddy’s final winter break recap
Might I be the first to say that J-term lasts way too long. Even though I go home and work, I find myself with way too much time on my hands. I love being home, seeing family and spending time at home but after a while I found myself longing for days in beautiful OxVegas, Ohio. To kill time and make myself not be a couch potato all break, I sought out various ways to keep myself from going insane. But after a brief reflection of my break, I found odd commonalities between these three means:bats.
Wisdom teeth predictions
My wisdom teeth are being removed next week – the day before Thanksgiving. To some, wisdom teeth removal before a holiday celebration, all about eating, is criminal. I don’t like Thanksgiving, so I have the perfect excuse to rot in bed all day and watch the National Dog Show. However, I’m getting my f—ing wisdom teeth out. I don’t like medical procedures or check-ups in the first place and avoid them at all costs. But before I knew it, my mother locked me into wisdom teeth removal surgery.
Teddy’s October recap
I was born at a very young age in the month of October. For over two decades, it has been my favorite month. The mix of celebrating my birthday and trick-or-treating always made October the most memorable month of each year. But this October has honestly been one of the most memorable. October is known as “Spooky Season” for a damn good reason, and I must say this October was SPOOKY. I don’t know what was in the air, but my October proved to be bonkers. Here is why.
Our Halloween costumes!
Teddy – If you do not know who Moo Deng the baby hippo is, then I pity you. Please search Moo Deng on Instagram and prepare to feast your eyes on the plumptious rolls and dramatic expressions of the internet’s biggest star (and I mean THICCEST). I’ve never felt so connected to an animal in my life. Her facial expressions are more dramatic than me when I stopped talking to my last situationship. For example, Moo Deng bites her caretaker then runs away to her mom whenever she is annoyed.
The Miami Student’s biggest fears
Campus and Community – getting canceled GreenHawks – plastic bags from Emporium Sports – postgame interviews when they lose Culture – disappointing SWIFTIES Opinion – taking a neutral stance Humor – AP style and grammar Photo – writing stories Design – Comic Sans Editor in Chief – cancer and dreams about death in the newsroom coming true Managing Editor – Humor Editor Social Media – someone looking at our Twitter likes Business Manager – Roudebush Hall john1595@miamioh.edu
How you know it’s fall in Oxford
The leaves are changing, hoodies and flannels are out in full force and the pumpkin spice is flowing through Starbucks. It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year: fall in Oxford. Now that we have reached the end of summer, you may notice a few things happening on campus. Peculiar (some may even say spooky) things are happening all across campus. You know it's fall when… You see Farmer kids walking around in suits Who do these people think they are?
Miami pet peeves: I love it when…
Certain people at this school really grind my gears, so much so that they created new pet peeves for me that I didn't even know existed! I LOVE when people do THESE things! Prepare yourself for some serious passive aggressiveness. I love it when … I’m walking around Oxford and people yell something at me from their car. People who yell something at me from their car are probably the coolest and funniest people on campus.
Summer Camp shenanigans
For some people, spending their summer interning is the way to go. For others, traveling home and finding work provides the best experience. But for a select few psychopaths, like myself, we head to summer camp. Working as a summer camp counselor can be summed up as the hardest job you’ll ever love. I worked at two summer camps this summer and at one of those camps, I worked with teens from the age of 13 to 16 for eight weeks.
Best places to people watch
People watching rivals baseball games and storming buildings as one of America’s favorite pastimes. Everyone does it; from naked old people staring at me walking by in the rec locker room to little kids asking their parents why I cannot walk in a straight line Uptown. Without further adieu, here are the best places one can watch the people. Walmart I would be remiss not to mention Walmart as THE place for people watching. Legend has it that people watching actually originated in Walmart.
Summer headline dump
Student discovers the final is cumulative and breaks down in King HELP: I still cannot read my Degree Audit POLL: 26% of students said the most important issue in the upcoming elections is lowering the drinking age to 18 STYLE: Wearing sports jerseys to class and the bar, even if your team is not playing, is the new fad Will Weismann finally gets to have a Wednesday without country music Teacher confused when students Ben Dover, Kari Mysac, Justin DeFront and Anita Dump have 0% attendance for...
I hate rain
If there is one thing that I hate in this world, it’s rain. Even though I live by corn fields and I grew up hearing people say, “We needed that rain. Good for the crops,” I still hate it. When Morgan Wallen says, “I could use a little rain, beatin’ on the window pain,” I couldn’t disagree more. I only want rain when I am in my apartment or cozily tucked into my tent (Opinion and GreenHawks editor, Sam Norton, could tell you how much I hate rain from our Spring Break backpacking trip).
Mini Headline Dump
Man who looked at the eclipse without glasses claims he can see a new array of colors The odds of any given location experiencing a total eclipse is 1 in 375; which is apparently still better odds than me finding a girlfriend Miami tour guide found proposing to strangers in order to say on a tour that they’re a part of the 14% that become Miami Mergers Retired co-humor editor returns for one last Headline Dump victory lap; can’t bear the thought that he already peaked at 22 Oxford Christian’s...
PHOTOS: Spring break vignettes
My Great American road trip Sarah Frosch, Digital Media Editor Spending 60 hours in a car clocking roughly 4,000 miles with your four closest friends and no fewer than 20 Baja Blasts may seem like a daunting spring break. But when you find yourself looking over the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time in your life, those hours in the car don’t seem so significant. Everything melts away. As a Great American Road Trip virgin myself, I feared the unknown.
PHOTOS: Spring break vignettes
My Great American road trip Sarah Frosch, Digital Media Editor Spending 60 hours in a car clocking roughly 4,000 miles with your four closest friends and no fewer than 20 Baja Blasts may seem like a daunting spring break. But when you find yourself looking over the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time in your life, those hours in the car don’t seem so significant. Everything melts away. As a Great American Road Trip virgin myself, I feared the unknown.
We’re Miami students, of course we… dump
We’re Miami students, of course we hate OU. We’re Miami students, of course we wear Lululemon religiously. We’re Miami students, of course we go out every night. We’re Miami students, of course we hate OPD. We’re Miami students, of course we introduce ourselves with the name of our fraternity or sorority. We’re Miami students, of course we pee on the Sundial turtles. We’re Miami students, of course we crave booze every day of the week. We’re Miami students, of course we are from the five C’s.
Patrick’s final Headline Dump, the end of an era
Senior prank goes wrong, 5 TMS seniors charged with arson Oxford Knolls retirement home sues Miami University for using term “Senior Day” at athletic events, mistaking it for an event to honor senior citizens Patrick Sullivan shatters records with 26 failed talking stages, zero relationships in 4 years of college Professor who scheduled an exam on GBD sued for student abuse and negligence ROTC kids attacks Farmer School of Business mistaking it for Russian Secret Service, the FSB Make it...
Thank you seniors
To my graduating TMS seniors, It has been my genuine pleasure to be a part of this organization with you. Now, I want to take the time to thank you. Thank you Sean, for helping me avoid getting canceled. Your ever vigilant eyes keep my humor articles in check. I know you did this not to protect the newspaper from publishing something offensive or inappropriate, but out of your love for me. Thank you Luke, for being the best newsroom dad I could ask for.
Just another headline dump
Humor editors break record long streak of not having a headline dump; no one notices Another Valentine’s Day has come and gone; humor editors still single St. Patrick’s Day is around the corner, time to harvest my potatoes Farmer student facing unemployment after dad retires from J.P. Morgan FACT: On campus dining options got so much better after I moved off campus New Apple goggles sweeping the nation; my mom still won’t buy me one FACT: Men who go to the gym regularly cry in the shower...
It’s official: I’m a zynner
Alas, my dear Zyn, what doth make thee so beautiful? Thine buzz giveth me the shivers … If I were to write a poem about Zyns, that is how it would start. But why would anyone write about a nicotine pouch you bury in your upper lip? Because. Our society obsesses over these little white lip pillows that give you such a buzz you’ll think you are in The Bee Movie. But more importantly, Zyns are like narcan for beer. If you feel sleepy, pop some upper deckys and you’ll feel like a new person.
How I spent my Valentine's Day
Womp womp. Another Valentine's Day as a bachelor. Friends were asking me, “Teddy, what are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” My answer? Giving my latissimus dorsi a pump helps me to drown out the sorrow of being single on the cheesiest holiday of the year. Judging from the crowd of the Rec, I was not the only single dude with this idea. Many of these gym goers, myself included, live by ancient gym scripture that goes like this (excerpt from the Book of Jim 2:14). “Where do we hide feelings?
J-Term:My time adulting
Ahh, J-term. For many, J-term serves as a time to relax, take a break or, for the ambitious few, even enroll in a class. (That last option is reserved for those with money — J-term classes are like $10,000.) However, a brave few individuals (me) opt to acquire a job and pay for the many expenses (car that I chose to buy) life presents to you. I worked more days than I had off, and I loved my jobs as well as the people I worked with, which I am incredibly grateful for.
New Year’s Resolutions for Miami students
New Year, New You? If you already gave up on your New Year’s resolutions, here are some more ideas for the most ambitious Miami students to work on this semester.
Gym culture is a good thing and we should embrace it
With YouTube celebrity Sam Sulek rising in popularity, so too has fitness. Fitness influencing and gym culture have gained popularity too, and it's a good thing. You should embrace it. My first year of college, I was a really skinny kid — like, frighteningly skinny. 5’7, 130 pounds of stretched skin and bones. I still worked out and was still in good shape, but I never made any progress. All I did was run and do bodyweight exercises, all without eating enough food.
‘You got to like what you do’: How Andy Geshan handles Miami’s hockey equipment
For 29 seasons Andy Geshan has sharpened skates, ordered equipment, taken care of laundry and more for the Miami University’s RedHawks hockey team. Geshan, and his decades of experience as the team’s equipment manager, have proven to be a valuable asset for Miami hockey, helping them to stay focused on the task at hand, rather than what they’re wearing.
HUMOR: Unaccompanied men in sorority dorms lead to policy changes
Reports of unaccompanied men in sorority dorms has led sororities and the Office of Residence Life to enact some policy changes. Apparently, unaccompanied men in sorority dorms made some people understandably uncomfortable. When men are left alone, bad things can happen. Remember the Treaty of Versailles? An all male conference deliberated and made this treaty to screw over the Germans after World War I (WWI). How did this treaty turn out? Bad. There was a sequel to WWI, which no one asked for.
Unaccompanied men in sorority dorms lead to policy changes
Reports of unaccompanied men in sorority dorms has led sororities and the Office of Residence Life to enact some policy changes. Apparently, unaccompanied men in sorority dorms made some people understandably uncomfortable. When men are left alone, bad things can happen. Remember the Treaty of Versailles? An all male conference deliberated and made this treaty to screw over the Germans after World War I (WWI). How did this treaty turn out? Bad. There was a sequel to WWI, which no one asked for.
Hockey Preview: Unfinished Business with Colorado College
The Miami University RedHawks host the Colorado College Tigers this weekend in what is sure to be some tenacious hockey. Last season, the Tigers defeated the RedHawks twice in tight games, one of which went to a shootout. “It's a team we feel like we owe a couple games against,” RedHawk goaltender Logan Neaton said.
The BEST Halloween
Everyone has that one birthday, Christmas or Halloween that sticks out above the rest. For my loyal humor readers, I will now share with you the best Halloween I ever had. Many moons ago, grade school Teddy, along with my best friend Timmy, and friends Jack W., Jack M., and Camdyn, went trick or treating around my neighborhood. For about an hour, my neighborhood gang — Captain America, a 1920s gangster and a pirate — looted the neighborhood of candy.
Preview: RedHawks to drop the puck with future conference opponent Arizona State
Miami University hockey faces off against Arizona State University (ASU), providing the Sun Devils with their first taste of a National Collegiate Hockey Conference (NCHC) game for the season. The No. 13 nationally ranked Sun Devils will be the RedHawks’ first big test of the season. Miami is hoping to carry momentum from its series sweep over Canisius College two weeks ago.
Preview: Expect a hungry and competitive Miami RedHawks hockey team
After yet another losing season, the Miami University RedHawks ice hockey team looks to rebound and revive “The Brotherhood” to its proper place in college hockey. Despite losing star players Red Savage and Ludvig Persson, the ’Hawks have plenty of other weapons in the arsenal for this upcoming season. Some of their top scorers from last season, like John Waldron, are returning and hoping to make even more of a difference this season. “I want to be more of a 200-foot player,” Waldron said.
Not so accurate student org descriptions, part two
Last September, I wrote an article about student organizations to join. But a new year means a new chance to choose student organizations. Here are the ones to join. Break out of Miami Ever wondered why you always see the same person walking to class every day? This is because they have nowhere to go. We are all trapped inside a mega-prison disguised as Miami University in which we can only leave during holidays.
Shifting Gears: A look into Miami’s car racing and building team, RedHawk Racing
Start your engines, RedHawks. Miami University’s car racing and building team, RedHawk Racing, raises money, builds cars and eventually races them at organized competitions across the country. This relatively unknown Miami team consists of multiple parts, including a formula car team (think Formula One car), a baja car team (off-road) and a business team. They’re all aimed toward building cars for competition. Each competition includes static and dynamic events.
PSA: Put your dawgs away
Dawgs, critters, flipper grippers — commonly known as toes — help us Homo sapiens walk and balance upright. Most people are considerate enough to keep those dawgs muzzled and crated. However, it has come to my attention that some of you students at Miami University seem to think that letting the dawgs out in class, walking around campus or at bars Uptown is now acceptable. This could not be further from the truth. Just because your dawgs are barking does not mean they need to be out.
What happened to ‘The Brotherhood’?
“As a brother I build unity within the program. I make it clear in word and action that I can be trusted. I am unselfish and make sacrifices for the good of the team.” This statement comes from Miami University’s hockey program mantra, known as “The Brotherhood.” On Feb. 11, 2022, a crowd of more than 2,300 fans packed into Goggin Ice Center to watch the Miami RedHawks take on the No. 18 nationally ranked Omaha Mavericks.
Humor writers are unable to come up with funny articles; lazily fall back on a ‘Headline Dump’
OPINION: Make It Miami kids would make me happy if they stopped judging me Hula hoop competition between Greg Crawford and Elizabeth Mullenix breaks out in ASG pavilion, drawing crowd of hundreds Gatlinburg, Tennessee, officially changes name to Fratlinburg due to overabundance of frat formals in the Smoky Mountain tourist trap town UP Magazine sued by Disney Studios for stealing name from Pixar film Climate change deniers cite 40-degree weather in May as ‘evidence global warming doesn’t...
This week's top YikYak posts
This week, The Miami Student Humor Staff compiled a list of our favorite YikYaks, grammatical errors and all. Miami housing at move in: we’ve given you all specific time and dates for when you should arrive to move in, along with bins and custodians to assist you. Miami housing at move out: LISTEN TO ME,, IDGAF HOW OR WHEN BUT GTFO BY MAY 12 AT 7PM SHARP. I couldn't imagine growing up and thinking “I want to work in parking enforcement”. finals week? Or my final week?
‘Just keep believing in yourself’: A walk-on’s journey to seven years of Miami University football
As Ryan McWood’s time at Miami University nears an end, the seventh-year linebacker from Grosse Pointe, Michigan, looks fondly upon his academic tenure. His seven years of playing football for Miami have been riddled with challenges from the beginning. McWood joined Miami’s football team as a preferred walk-on, meaning he didn’t receive an athletic scholarship to join the team. He earned one Division II football scholarship but opted to try his chances playing Division I football at Miami instead.
Prank highlights from this past April Fools’ Day
12:01 a.m. – Miami University Marching Band kicks off the April Fools’ festivities by marching into King Library playing “Mo Bamba.” 1:12 a.m. – Flower Hall fire alarm was set off, and all building exit signs were reported missing. 2:17 a.m. – Havighurst fire alarm was set off. 4:00 a.m. – President Greg Crawford’s bike was stolen and replaced with a tricycle. 4:20 a.m. - Weed was planted in the gardens behind Farmer School of Business. It’s unclear at this time if this was for a prank or not.
Miami synchronized skating teams shine on national, international stages
The Miami University synchronized skating teams have capped off another successful season by placing at both national and international competitions. On March 4, both the senior and collegiate Miami synchronized skating teams competed at the US Synchronized Skating Championships in Peoria, Illinois. The collegiate team finished off its season by reigning a first place finish, crowning them national champs of the 11-team collegiate division.
Dear Spring...
Dear Spring, You suck, bro. Here’s why. First of all, this pollen being released, not cool. It makes my eyes water more than “All Too Well (Taylor’s version)” and causes my nose to hurt more than when I snorted smarties in the back of Spanish class in fifth grade. People probably think I’m Sneezy the dwarf or Sadness from Inside Out.
Humor writers ASG endorsement
With the onset of Miami University’s Associated Student Government president and vice president, The Miami Student Editorial staff endorsed candidates have won. However, the Humor Team would like to recognize the other potential candidates to this race as well (even though it’s over now). Here is a look at who each of our writers would like to see running ASG.
Axel Kumlin: ‘I’m just trying to play as best as I can every game and not look too far ahead’
Miami University first-year defenseman and Stockholm, Sweden, native Axel Kumlin chose to play at Miami over other prominent hockey schools and professional hockey teams in Sweden. Kumlin started playing around the age of four when his dad brought him to a local rink in northern Stockholm to play with some friends. He played for multiple youth clubs in the Stockholm area before a Gothenburg high school recruited him to play.
Living off my laptop
Sometimes life deals you a hand of cards that absolutely sucks. Well, in my case, I dealt myself a bad deck of cards and had to pay the price. About two weeks ago, I broke my phone. While I will not disclose how I broke my phone, I will tell you that it stopped working completely. No parts of it shattered but I could only see a black screen on the screen of my phone. It wouldn’t even turn on. At first, I thought to myself, “Well, shit.
‘Influenced the way I see the world’: Student embraces Myaamia culture on campus
Growing up, first-year environmental earth science major Pimyotomah Hartleroad had a strong connection to their culture as a member of the Miami Tribe of Oklahoma. When Hartleroad came to Miami University, they learned that not every student had the same knowledge of their Myaamia culture, history and language. “I was blessed to have some instilled within me when I was young,” Hartleroad said.
Holiday Dump
President Crawford dresses up as Santa at College Mentors for Kids Event, Asks Kids “How Are Classes?” Florida Man Loses Arm After Trying to Cut Down a Christmas Tree That Was Actually an Alligator Nationwide Pipe Failure Attributed to Too Many People Taking Massive Dumps After Thanksgiving Dinner Frosty the Snowman and Olaf from Frozen Fight to the Death to See Who is the GOAT Snowman Opinion: The Only Way to Fall Asleep On Christmas Eve is by Getting Blackout Drunk Hearing Loss Rates Among...
A Christmas Carol: Miami Edition
‘Twas the night before Christmas… Cecil lies, quaintly snoring in his little residence hall. How he can sleep this soundly few can know. During his first semester at Miami, Cecil threw a ping-pong paddle through a window, urinated on toilet seats on purpose, hopped the fence at Brick, and much, much more. It is safe to say that he did not embody the Christmas spirit and his soul was in mortal danger.
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