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Articles by Bryan Mangieri
I’m Your Judgmental Hair Stylist: Ready for Your First Post-Vax Haircut?
Welcome in! Are you ready for me, a 19 year old with a purple pixie cut and a tattoo of a circus elephant on my arm, to make you, a grown-ass woman with a mortgage, spiral into a hair-related anxiety attack? Great! My computer says it’s been over 18 months since you were in for a haircut? You do know quarantine has only been 12 months, right? Okay, just checking. Let’s wash this mess before we get started. Go ahead and have a seat while I smash your neck into this sink.
Starship Captain’s Log: 30-Day Yoga Challenge
Stardate: Day 1 of 30 After a full year quarantining aboard the Starship Enterprise to avoid a galaxy-wide pandemic, my body has issued a priority one distress call, signaling almost total disaster. This is likely due to my near-constant consumption of boxed macaroni and cheese in a futile attempt to hold my anxiety at bay. I have no recourse but to immediately begin a transformative exercise regimen.
A Series of Internal HR Memos RE: The Justice League’s Vaccine Policy
Attention Staff: We have received some complaints in regards to our recent announcement “that all members of The Justice League will be amongst the last to receive the vaccine.” We were incorrect in assuming that all our members are immortal and we now realize our initial stance would leave exposed our most vulnerable and the fish they may live with. We will now be scheduling appointments here at The Hall Of Justice for all employees who want the vaccine.
As a Therapist, My New Patient Charlie Brown May Be a Challenge
Patient notes: Brown, Charlie. August 2020. Patient comes in for first appointment exclaiming “Good grief!” I inform him what I inform all patients: grief is neither good nor bad. It’s a passage. It’s the price of love. Patient says he’s over seventy years old, but he appears approximately eight years of age. Other than this red flag, clearly has commitment issues. Claims to love a little red-haired girl but when asked, offers he’s never spoken to her.
Our Band, The Bern-Outs, Has Plenty To Be Enthused About In Joe Biden
My roommate Keith describes learning Joe Biden was the Democratic nominee was like learning the Pixies had reunited but without Kim Deal. Like learning your girlfriend slept with Puddle of Mudd front man Wes Scantlin and he claimed he was being considerate when he decided not to use a condom because there was only one left in your nightstand. Like learning “More Than a Feeling” and “Smells Like Teen Spirit” are the same riff so Kurt Cobain must not be God. And?
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