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Articles by Cracked Write.
6 Celebrities You Didn't Realize Lost Their F#@%ing Mind
Here are two scenarios that might properly contextualize Harrison Ford in light of his recent plane crash into a Santa Monica golf course: One. He's Hollywood's Mr. Magoo: a hapless, sensory-challenged old man who creates a chain reaction of havoc and destruction with every misplaced step he takes. Two. He's Wile E. Coyote.
The 17 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Propaganda Posters
Using a single drawing and a few sentences of text--the same raw material used to create Marmaduke--propaganda posters were supposed to influence the way people thought about their government and even their fellow man.
5 Historical Figures You're Picturing Almost Exactly Wrong
What You Think: Thanks to the Disney movie, Pocahontas has today become the definition of an "Indian princess": a strong, dark-haired beauty in fashionably cut buckskins who talks to trees, paints with all the colors of the wind, and teaches the white man to live in peace with the natives. In the process, she falls in love with Captain John Smith, a storybook ending if there ever was one. And the Americas knew no conflict from that point on.
6 Sex Toy Companies Disguised As Household Products
We're all for anything that makes getting out of bed in the morning easier, but it seems like this one might backfire -- not literally, we hope. The Wake-Up Vibe is an alarm clock that wakes you up with vibrations (you're killing it with these descriptive names, fuck-merchants), after which you'll probably fall immediately back to sleep. Just set your alarm, stick it in your panties, and get ready to drift out of that dream about your dead grandmother with a shiny new set of issues.
4 Sex Lies Everyone Needs to Stop Telling
There are a handful of situations in life when it's perfectly OK to lie. Your friend has an ugly baby? You may want to resist the urge to use the words "Rocky Dennis" and just say "cute." Your parents say they're coming to stay for week? You say you have Ebola-induced dysentery. It's a system we all abide by and enjoy to a greater or lesser degree. And in few areas of human interaction are lies more acceptable and prevalent than that of sexual debauchery.
The Internet Party: What Happens When Google's Parents Leave Town for the Weekend?
Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?
5 Historical Events You Didn't Know Were Decided by Sex
This might come as a shock to you, but people really like sex. You basically can't get away from it; it's in ads, movies, music, and sometimes people in real life will even allow you to have it with them. And this isn't just a recent phenomenon. People in the past were obsessed with sex, too, to the point that sometimes they made decisions with really serious consequences just to get their groove on.
5 Respected Nations That Straight Rob People Who Live There
People love to complain about the government "taking" our hard-earned money, but usually they're just bitching about high taxes, or the fact that they had to pay a fine for driving 75 mph through a school zone, on a motorcycle, while fully nude. But if they look a little closer, they'll see that there are plenty of cases of the government just outright stealing from people, and it's almost always those who can afford it the least. We're talking about ...
4 Bizarre Gay Stereotypes of the Star Wars Universe
Between the films and novels and comic books and the commemorative Burger King cups and that crappy 1997 fighting game in which an unarmed Han Solo was able to fist-fight Darth Vader and win, Star Wars is maybe the biggest fictional universe ever devised. (Discounting unofficial fan fiction -- otherwise the Bible or Home Improvement would probably take the cake.) He then wins the dance off to save Lando's rec center too.
6 Stupid Misconceptions That Ruin Classic Movies
Great movies tend to collect in the pool of pop culture's subconscious, available to be referenced and paid homage to for years to come. And, in some cases, identifiable elements of them will become more prevalent than the movies themselves. You don't have to see The Godfather to know that a guy made some really sweet offers in it. Charles Foster Kane was super fucking into his sled. Arnold Schwarzeneggar will be back, in a chopper, sans tumor.
What 37 Famous Stories Would Be Titled by Modern Websites
In this modern, Internet-fueled world, everything is about getting people to click on your shit. So, naturally, we decided classic tales needed upgrades to their titles. So with that in mind, we asked our readers to do just that: Show us what would happen if classic stories had been given more modern titles. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...
6 Things I Did as a Cop in a Shockingly Corrupt Small Town
Because we're finally realizing that a Dukes of Hazzard situation isn't just going to happen to us unless we start taking steps to make it happen, we started looking into rural law enforcement. We talked to an ex-deputy from the Scott County Sheriff's Department in northern Tennessee, a region so rural that it used to have a road called "N***** Bend" (and no, the "N" did not stand for "Nacho").
5 Tribute Albums that Don't Realize How Insulting They Are
"Tribute: An act, statement, or gift that is intended to show gratitude, respect, or admiration." What you just read is the official, Google-approved definition of the word "tribute." As you can see, a tribute is supposed to be respectful. You already knew that, but the people you'll read about on this list clearly did not. The topic of conversation is the most unintentionally disrespectful tribute albums of all time. We talk about a few on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ... ...
5 Upcoming Movie Plots That Sound Suspiciously Familiar
In a world where we're constantly bombarded with reboots, sequels, recalibrations, crossovers, spinoffs, pre-boots, and re-re-boots, it's refreshing that there are still original movies coming out every now and then. At least they seem to be original, until you dig deeper and realize everything on Earth has already been done before.
5 Painful Things Everyone Needs to Realize About Themselves
If human social interaction is a house on fire, I'm not as much a fireman navigating calmly through the blaze as I am the hobo that passed out in the basement and is now attempting to drunkenly stumble through the inferno while it's slowly dawning on him that his clothes are stained with ethanol. Fortunately (for the amused passersby, at least), this means I've had the chance to observe and personally experience some of the weirder backdrafts and firenados along the way.
16 Surprisingly Simple Self-Defense Techniques
Look, we'll break it to you easy: You don't have enough awesome James Bond moves in your hand-to-hand combat arsenal. And while we absolutely don't advise you use these on anyone who isn't seriously attacking you, we're hard-pressed to believe that anyone would fuck with you if you practiced these on those little shits at the elementary school.
5 Reasons the NCAA Tournament Is a Total Scam
March Madness has begun! For fans of college basketball, this is the most wonderful time of the year. The NCAA 68-team collegiate mega-tournament promises action-packed drama in the form of wildly gesticulating coaches, sudden-death eliminations, and lots and lots of basketball. As a former student of a Division I school that was this close to taking it all, I'm still a huge fan and get caught up in the excitement just as much as anyone else.
18 Old-Timey Photos You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
We've worked long and hard here at Cracked to make it clear that the past was badass. All you have to do is sift through old-timey photos, and you quickly realize that people back then possessed neither sanity nor a sense of self-preservation. Trust us, the explanation behind these seemingly inexplicable photos tends to make them even more baffling. #18. "Gentlemen, We Can Rebuild Him. We Have the Technology ..." So ...
5 Terrifying Truths of Working with the Criminally Insane
Despite what pop culture and shitty lawyers who work for gift cards insist, pleading insanity isn't a magical loophole that lets you get away with murder. You just end up in a mental hospital until you're found competent enough to stand trial. At Cracked, it's pretty much inevitable that we'll wind up in one of these joints -- our legal fees are paid exclusively in Dave & Busters tickets -- so we wanted to find out what they're really like.
The Gruesome Origins of 5 Popular Fairy Tales
#1. Cinderella: Mutilation, Sex, More Mutilation The Version You Know When they talk about "Fairy Tale Endings," they're almost certainly referring to this story. Or possibly some sort of football game. This is the dream of every little girl (and some little boys) that one day they too can rise up from the dirt and become a pretty pretty princess.
5 Insane Beliefs of the World's Major Religions
There are 19 major religions in the world, most of which you've never heard of. Within those 19 are a shit ton of subgroups, sects, and denominations, and every one of them thinks theirs is "the one true religion". That's a pretty bold statement. And one that humanity will probably never be able to discuss at the dinner table without family members declaring holy wars and cutting off supplies of mashed potatoes from each other.
7 More Disgusting Foods Your Grandparents Ate (Taste-Tested)
Can you hear them? The thundering hoofbeats? Yes, the Horsemen of the Apocalypse are here: Pestilence, War, and Death. But Famine? Famine's taking a mental health day, because it's time for another Cracked installment of "Let's make some guy eat the worst foods from the '50s, '60s, and '70s." That's right -- the following article is like some AM radio Oldies channel that makes literal vomit come out of your car stereo.
5 People Who Abused Tiny Amounts of Power in Hilarious Ways
Sadly, we've come to expect stories about politicians and police officers abusing their power in awful ways. But there's no reason they should get to keep all of that shit for themselves -- after all, with a little creativity and a lot of insanity, anyone can abuse their position for fun and profit. It's just a little harder to get away with it, apparently ... Thad Roberts dreamed about going to space his entire life.
23 Horrifying Real Insects That Put Science Fiction to Shame
Hi! How are you? Comfortable? Cozy? Have you eaten yet? No? Great! Because you definitely won't want to after you check out some real-life monsters that could hide inside your cereal box. With the help of creepy crawly AuntieMeme, we found you more than enough proof to support our campaign to set fire to all insect life on the planet.
32 Moments In History (As Covered By the Modern Media)
There's no doubt we're entering a new era of yellow journalism. Fortunately for mankind, there were long swaths of time where the media presented the story pretty much as is. What happens, though, when we take those boring ass historical stories and give them a much needed facelift? With that in mind, we asked our readers to take some history's most important events and bring them to modern times. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...
5 Ways The Rules Of Reality Ruin Superhero Movies
Anybody looking forward to seeing a classically lighthearted version of Marvel's first family had their dreams swiftly clobbered with the premiere of the new trailer for Fantastic Four. According to director Josh Trank, this film is going to be "hard sci-fi" (think Blade Runner, The Twilight Zone, or Black Mirror -- science fiction that explores a controversial area of science and/or technology to a grim extreme).
2 New Shirts for Star Trek and Megaman Fans
Let's all take a deep breath, folks. The dress is white and gold, the llamas are safe and famous, and some things never go out of style. That's why our newest Society6 design is an update on a classic, available to you NOW, because it's a Monday and you deserve something nice. Doctors are like Trekkers (Leonard Nimoy's preferred term for the fans), in that they've spent decades amassing a very specific body of knowledge even though there's no financial incentive.
5 Evil Organizations We Wouldn't Mind Joining (in Movies)
Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?
5 Bullshit Facts About the Brain That Everyone Believes
Most people reading this probably have at least some idea of how the brain works. The problem is that the general understanding of brain science is exactly as it is with any other scientific field: constantly fuddled by misreported papers, theory-touting nut jobs, lazy Hollywood screenwriters, and stuff you read on the back of Snapple caps.
5 Strange Realities of Life With a Famous Dad
In the 2000s, it was hard to find a TV channel that didn't have Billy Mays on it. His unique form of salesmanship involved shouting his love for OxiClean right into the faces of our hearts. He gradually grew from yet another TV pitchman into a cultural icon until his death in 2009. We sat down with his son, Billy Mays III, to learn just what life was like living with a father who cranked the volume on capitalism all the way up to 11. Here's what we learned: My dad sold things for a living.
28 Facts About the Human Body That Will Blow Your Mind
We don't put a lot of thought into these meatsacks we run around in -- unless, of course, when they break. But still, broken or unbroken, the human body is a ridiculously awesome machine, and it's high time we give it the big ups it deserves. That's why we asked you to take a closer look, self-examination, or disgusting Google search to bring us the craziest facts about, well, ourselves. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...
5 Simple Things That Every Bad Cook Does Wrong
Quite a few of you reading this are just now entering a phase in your life when you're expected to be able to actually prepare food that doesn't involve simply combining water with some kind of powder. Due to a lack of practice, most of you will be terrible at it. I know I was, at least.
5 Disguised Animals That Must Be a Mind F#@k to Get Eaten By
As we've shown in the past, the only safe course of action when dealing with the outdoors is to hole up in your bedroom forever, only occasionally looking at pictures of animals on your phone to remind yourself of what you're hiding from. You just can't trust nature. You're out on a hike and you bend down to help a wounded bird? Whoops, that's really a snake in disguise. You let a pretty butterfly alight on your finger? Fuck you, that's a venomous super-wasp.
7 Surprising Realities of Wrestling You Won't See on TV
In addition to complaining about pro wrestling, I sometimes participate in the sport. I've been an extremely part-time referee on various independent wrestling shows since 2007, making a grand total of one month's rent in the process. But I don't do it for the money, or for any hopes of full-time employment (especially after all the mean things I said about the senile old walkingfart who owns WWE). I do it for the experience -- and goddamn is indie wrestling ever an experience.
29 Character Alterations That Would Drive Fans Insane
We all fear change. But you know who fears it the most? Fanboys. And when we say fear, we actually mean frothing at the mouth, bitter rage. In that vein, we asked our readers to show us what would sort of changes to classic pop culture would really set the Internet on fire. The winner is the below, but first the runners-up ...
6 Weirdly Specific Things That Screw All 2nd Term Presidents
Here's the truth about a two-term president: He or she is destined for disappointment the moment they're reelected. The first term is a weekend spa getaway compared to the pain in the ass that is the second four years. That's when all the shit that could possibly hit the fan does, and it doesn't happen by coincidence. Here are a few reasons why no U.S. president should ever want a second term ...
The Anti-Woman Harassment Campaign Playbook (the Koolaid Point)
The Anti-Woman Harassment Campaign Playbook (the Koolaid Point) http://seriouspony.com/trouble-at-the-koolaid-point...which may be taken down by the time you click on it, she says she intends to at the top. It's a long post by this person:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kathy_Sierra...
4 Ways America Screws the World (Nobody Talks About)
You know what people hate about America? Damn near everything, and the sentiment isn't completely unjustified. Don't get me wrong -- we do our share of good in certain places, but, for the most part, when the United States comes to town, bad shit comes with us. We talk about one of this country's most destructive exports of all on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast ... ... where I'm joined by Cracked editors Soren Bowie and Robert Evans.
4 Useful Things Forging Documents Taught Me About Your World
Our world is full of official documents: ID cards, licenses, certificates, checks -- paper stuff with words printed on it basically rules your entire life. But if you can fake those things, you can essentially manipulate the fabric of society simply by being really, really good at copying stuff. Cracked sat down with a career forger purely to learn about his life experiences, and not at all in a vain attempt to finally get our SCUBA certification.
5 Realities of Mass Shootings Movies Don't Prepare You For
It sure has been a shitty couple years for not getting shot. Sometimes it's at the hands of the police, sometimes it's a culture of hate, sometimes it's a garden-variety crazy person. These stories will inevitably be politicized, raising as they do important questions about guns and the culture at large, but all of that falls pretty low on your list of priorities when you are actively being stalked by a dickhead spraying bullets.
5 Women Who Invented Modern Pop Culture (And Got No Credit)
It's amazing to me how sick everyone is of talking about ladies, considering how rare it is for us to talk about actual ladies. I mean, specific people who happen to be ladies, rather than the abstract, intangible concept of "ladies" and lady-ness. "Ladies," we'll say, and then sit back and sip at our cappuccino/Scotch/Shirley Temple. "They sure are that thing they be.
5 Insane Things You Believe About Money (Thanks to Movies)
I bet every one of you can remember the first time financial reality smacked you in the face like a Hulk-thrown engine block. ("I work two jobs, shouldn't I be able to afford to get this festering wisdom tooth taken out?"). That's because unless your parents were wealthy, you left school knowing jack shit about how money worked. We have a trillion dollars in credit card debt to show for it, along with an upper class who just can't figure out what the rest of us are bitching about.
11 Oscar Losses That Look More Insane With Each Year
Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?
5 Important Things From History That No One Can Explain
As modern humans with constant access to every piece of information that has ever been known, we like to think we're pretty smart. Surely, in these times of carbon dating, digital reconstruction, and computerized archiving, we've learned everything there is to know about our primitive ancestors. Well, you might be surprised -- there are still several major events in history that today's scientists, after years of extensive research, know precisely dick about.
28 Yearbook Shots Fictional Characters Don't Want You to See
It's never explicitly stated, but all your favorite fictional characters no doubt had their formative years -- hell, you even watched some of these characters live through them. So it goes without saying that there are yearbook photos somewhere that we haven't seen. Until now. We asked you to use the witchery of photo manipulation to conjure these photos for our viewing pleasure. The winner is below, but first the runners-up ...
4 Things You Don't (Want to) Know About Substitute Teachers
So you're fed up with your office desk job. Feel like making a difference? Have you ever wanted to know what it's like to do a job that could just as easily be accomplished by a corpse with a voice recorder? Good news! Chances are you're already more than qualified to be a substitute teacher. Now hold on and put down the tweed coat, because there are a few things you should know before you rush off to shape the minds of young people. Wait, what?
5 Ways Video Game Addiction is Ruining Gaming
So Law & Order: Special Victims Unit just aired an episode about video games that made the same tired arguments I've been hearing about the medium since I was a kid. Stuff like "they'll make you into a violent jerkbag" and "you won't be able to tell real-life from games" and even "you'll start using acronyms in real life conversations." And though I thought "Intimidation Game" (seriously?) was stupid and exploitative, I didn't find the depiction of gamers particularly offensive.
Clitter: Body Glitter for Your Vagina
Does the site of your vagina throw your boyfriend into an apoplectic rage? Check out more awesome videos from Those Aren't Muskets! at ThoseArentMuskets.com.
7 Reasons Christopher Columbus is History's Worst Celebrity
Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?
4 Reasons Jewelry Ads Are Staggeringly Full of S#!%
Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?
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