Here she comes, Thierry Ennui...

Nude nails that look ‘effortless’ — "Effortless". This is what we're calling the nude nail now. It's the 2016 alternative to the French manicure. It's similar in that it's meant to look as if you are totally together, but without the white tip - surely the least effective way of pretending you have clean nails.

One day our children will ask: where were you in the summer of ’16? — Now is the summer of our discontent. The summer of rained-off barbecues, racist trams, death. Of padding into meetings in sodden sandals, and throwing down our notebook with a massive: "Oh what does it matter anyway, everything's gone to cock." If 1967 was the summer of love, then 2016 will go down as the summer of shit.

Fuss-free cherry red lips — The search for an easy red lip is an enduring quest. This summer, the answer is to lean towards a fresh ripe cherry, as seen at Oscar de la Renta, or Vivienne Westwood. Easy, youthful, bright.

Me sexist. You Jane… Why Hollywood is still a jungle — Hollywood's leading men age and grey, while their female co-stars remain forever 23. Here is a fact that is engraved so deep that woodlice live there. And yet the world is surprised when a female actor tries to stay young looking.

Why non-touring make-up is the new contouring — It's almost as though we needed to endure contouring in order to get here, to July 2016, with the reaction trend "non-touring". Where contouring required layers of foundation, blush and bronzer, plus a cache of YouTube tutorials, this light option asks only for a tinted moisturiser and a decent highlighter which you shimmer across your cheekbones, brow bone and nose.

The rise of the new racism — We're living in a time when it seems to be necessary to wear a safety pin on your lapel to identify yourself as a non-racist. Even if you're not aware of the social-media push, you'll have seen the results on your fellow commuters, colleagues - proud little pins, pinning nothing together.

The problem with 'being yourself' — British women feel the same about their bodies as we do about Goebbels, or school dinner. Full of hate. Our arms are made of old ham; our genitals are like the closed-off wells that it is rumoured a child once died in; our bellies are obscene; our faces, bloody hell - our faces are exploded mines at best.

Orange eye make-up for summer — Call it copper if that makes you feel more comfortable. But you and I both know this is orange - peachy and yellowish, with the seasonal feel of pollen. Derek Lam did his models' eyes in shades of hot sunshine - just the right balance of strange and natural.

The other side to the UK's housing crisis — Visiting houses with estate agents, you get a sense of the place the second the door opens. You breathe it in. This particular house smelled of the woods. It was a hot day but it was cold inside and as the door shut behind us our daughter reached up quickly to be carried.

Reality TV is dead, ruined by reality itself — An email pops up on my phone in public view of a respectable acquaintance: Channel 4 is reminding me to finish watching an episode of Made in Chelsea. The ensuing blush is complicated - it's not that I'm embarrassed at being revealed as a viewer of reality TV.
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Jul 24, 2016

I wrote about 2016 being the opposite of the summer of love with my usual trademark cheer. 

Jul 23, 2016

@julieklausner We had to press pause to catch our breath laughing at 'My girlfriend's Italian now and she's asking for money in inches'.

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