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Articles by Jessica Lillian
Malpractice? Therapist Not Available on Thanksgiving
ThanksgivingTherapyHelp Me × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Hostile Workplace? My Cat Joined the Meeting and No One Said Hi
CatWorkingSay Something Quick × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Whoa! Out-of-Context Comment on an Out-of-Context Quote About a Fake Video Makes Totally Valid Point
Social MediaDiscourseGood Point × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Health Queen! Woman Pops Extra Multivitamin After Dinner of Leftover Halloween Candy
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Five Couples Costumes for Halloween That Also Kinda Work If You Break Up
Yikes! Is your relationship on the rocks — or fully over — right when you were supposed to be dressing up for Halloween to show the world just how adorably clever and in love you are? Don’t panic. Never let a silly little breakup stand in the way of doing that couples costume. Whether you’re going to hit the parties alone or with your now-ex, we have some ideas that … kinda work. Or might just make it all even more weird and sad.
Innovative! Shower With Broken Drain Doubles as Little Wading Pool
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
REPORT: Therapist Late Because She Has to Psych Herself Up to See You
ConfidenceTherapistYou Can Do This × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Finance Queen! This Woman Is Still Deep in Debt But Has Labeled File Folders Now
DebtLabel-Maker Time!Finance × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Transparency! Swimsuit Company’s Size Chart Just Giant Question Mark
SwimsuitSize GuideDunno Man × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Relatable! Wifi ‘Unable to Find Connection’
RelationshipsWifiThat's So Me × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Newest Tote Bag Crowned Holder of All Other Tote Bags
Tote BageTote Inside a ToteTote-ception × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
I LIVED IT: I Applied Sunscreen to My Back and Now My Arm Is Stuck There
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Do You Drive a Hybrid Car for the Environment or Just Because You Like Silently Creeping Around Parking Lots? Original
Hybrid cars sure are nifty! Being able to run on gas or battery power is perfect for people who feel kind of bad about exhaust pollution, but not bad enough to ride a bike or take public transportation. And also for people who just want to slink around at low speeds in complete, creepy silence for some reason. Which type of hybrid driver are you? Take our helpful quiz to find out! 1. What’s the first thing people typically comment on when they see your car? A. Uh, nothing, really.
Woman Enters ‘Are My Elementary School Teachers Dead by Now?’ Stage of Insomnia
NostalgiaTeachersWell Are They? × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
How to Get Free Abstract Tattoos by Just Letting Your Cat Scratch You
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
For Sale: 50,000 Pairs of Solar Eclipse Glasses, Never Worn
My extreme oversupply predicament is your gain! Howdy, neighbors! Deal of the century here: 50,000 pairs of the finest solar eclipse glasses for just $2,000. They’ve got the jauntiest cloud design and some sick orange flames along the temples. And the best part?
Woman Shocked to Realize She’ll Be Late Again Despite Adding Whole Two-Minute Buffer
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Why I Stopped Doing Laundry and Just Hired a TV Crew to Put Censor Bars on Me
NakeyCensorshipHacksLaundry × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Friend Who Booked Airbnb Group Reservation Becoming Too Powerful
FriendshipAirBNBPower Corrupts × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
The Next Stevie Nicks? I'm Wearing a Dress With Really Big Sleeves
I’ll be honest. Growing up, I never saw myself as an iconic singer-songwriter. Winning a ton of Grammy Awards, being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and selling more than 120 million albums worldwide? Look, I don’t even know how to hold a tambourine. But something changed this morning after I put on my new dress. Call the record companies and start booking time in the studio. You’re looking at the next Stevie Nicks right here. I just feel it in my heart.
Entire Therapy Session Spent Silently Debating Whether to Compliment Therapist’s New Haircut
TherapyHaircutYou Look Great Joanne! × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Woman Downloading New Dating App Excited for Same Batch of Men in Slightly Different Format
DatingDating AppsDefinitely of Insanity Vibes! × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Why I Stopped Exfoliating My Feet and Started Hardening Them Into Weapons
SkincareExfoliatingThey're Pointy and Hard as Hell × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Wow! This Woman Achieved Her Satire Writing Dream But Still Sometimes Struggles With Self-Doubt
My 2023 in humor writing is weirdly difficult to recap. Last year, we had a nice buzzy mega-goal of 100 submissions. There were a few sub-goals, steady progress, and plenty of spreadsheets to track everything. Tidy, measurable, fair. This year: some big victories, lapsed tracking, abandoned goals, soul-crushing creative blocks, stubborn impostor syndrome, and seltzer. I became a Reductress contributor! Incredible, amazing, a dream come true, etc. I’ve been a devoted reader for more than a decade.
Help! I Just Remembered My Karaoke Song Has That One Really High Note
Hey, uh, bit of a situation here. I’m a few measures into my song and just realized I made a grave mistake. The bridge has this one high note I forgot about that I can’t hit. Like, at all. I’m not panicking just yet. I’ve got options. Now the easiest would be a natural disaster. Can someone check the weather app and see if there’s a violent lightning storm headed straight for Calvin’s Sing & Sizzle Shack in the next 90 seconds? Maybe a tsunami? Yes, I know we’re in Missouri.
Mom Still Fretting That Friend From Band Message Board in 2005 Could Be a Serial Killer
LOS ANGELES – Local mom Sally Perryman continues to worry that her daughter’s longtime close friend Josephine Lukas — originally met via an online message board for emo band Left of Kin — could still be a violent criminal, confirm sources who can no longer remember their 2000s website passwords. “I don’t care that it’s been almost 20 years. You can’t trust people you ‘meet’ on the internet,” insisted the elder Perryman.
Mom Still Fretting That Friend From Band Message Board in 2005 Could Be a Serial Killer
LOS ANGELES – Local mom Sally Perryman continues to worry that her daughter’s longtime close friend Josephine Lukas — originally met via an online message board for emo band Left of Kin — could still be a violent criminal, confirm sources who can no longer remember their 2000s website passwords. “I don’t care that it’s been almost 20 years. You can’t trust people you ‘meet’ on the internet,” insisted the elder Perryman.
How to Get Your Rich Friend to Worry About Climate Change by Talking About Skiing
Climate ChangeSkiingWhat About the Slopes? × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
‘Eldest Daughter’ Finally Added as Official Diagnosis in DSM-V
DaughtersMental IllnessAbout TimeDSM-V × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
How to Buy a Vintage Jacket Without Thinking About the Soggy Used Tissues It Once Held
We’ve all had it happen. You come across the perfect vintage jacket in the store. Maybe it’s leather, maybe denim. You try it on and it fits. It’s nicely broken in. The price is right. Score. You’re already imagining how great you’ll look wearing it on stage or walking into the venue. That’s when it hits you: Those pockets you’re casually shoving your bare hands into right this minute have, statistically speaking, probably held many, many soggy used tissues from the previous owner.
Genius! This Woman Had a Baby Just to Get Out of Going to Her Friends’ Shows
Meet Alli Welch, a brilliant 33-year-old woman who never thought she wanted kids. That is, until she discovered a secret hack for not having to suffer through her friends’ shows, no questions asked: She became a mom to little Carter Ashton. We’re honestly not sure why more people aren’t taking advantage of this! But if it catches on, the local live music scenes might face a serious drop in attendance. Yikes.
Phew! Friend Who Added Laughing Emoji to Crisis Texts Probably Fine
Oh Thank God She's FineFriendshipTexting × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
12-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Repurposed Into Big Scary Santa
ScaryFestiveHome Depot12 Foot Skeleton × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Goals! This Woman’s Anti-Aging Skincare Is So Good She Can Order Off the Kids’ Menu
SkincareAnti-AgingShe's 9! × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Weird! Friend Says Her Aesthetic Is Just Wearing What She Likes
× WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Punk Cat Keeps Leaving Dead Kennedys Merch on Owner’s Pillow
SAN JOSE, Calif. – Resident punk housecat Marigold keeps bringing Dead Kennedys merchandise to her owner and dropping it on her pillow every night, report confused residents who initially reached for mousetraps and pesticides. “First it was a couple guitar picks that I thought were moths she’d killed — but they had this weird red and white design,” recalled Marigold’s owner Ashlyn Pierrette while delicately holding up two tooth-punctured picks bearing the band’s logo.
Punk Cat Keeps Leaving Dead Kennedys Merch on Owner’s Pillow
SAN JOSE, Calif. – Resident punk housecat Marigold keeps bringing Dead Kennedys merchandise to her owner and dropping it on her pillow every night, report confused residents who initially reached for mousetraps and pesticides. “First it was a couple guitar picks that I thought were moths she’d killed — but they had this weird red and white design,” recalled Marigold’s owner Ashlyn Pierrette while delicately holding up two tooth-punctured picks bearing the band’s logo.
Opinion: Everyone Standing Outside This Tour Bus Hoping to Meet the Band Is a Pathetic Loser Except Me
Hey, look at this crowd of people outside the venue next to the band’s idling tour bus. It’s been more than half an hour since the show ended and these weirdos are still here. Don’t they have anything better to do? They’re just shivering in an alley, choking on diesel exhaust, and getting yelled at over and over by security.
Opinion: Everyone Standing Outside This Tour Bus Hoping to Meet the Band Is a Pathetic Loser Except Me
Hey, look at this crowd of people outside the venue next to the band’s idling tour bus. It’s been more than half an hour since the show ended and these weirdos are still here. Don’t they have anything better to do? They’re just shivering in an alley, choking on diesel exhaust, and getting yelled at over and over by security.
‘Cooking Your Own Meals at Home Is So Rewarding,’ Says Woman Placing Frozen Trader Joe’s Burrito in Microwave
CookingTrader JoesWife Material × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Genius! This Woman Enrolled Herself in Doggie Day Care
DogsSelf-CareDoggie Day Care × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Ticketmaster Adds Preemptive Heatstroke Treatment Fee to All Tickets
LOS ANGELES – Ticketing giant Ticketmaster announced they will be tacking on a new “preemptive heatstroke treatment” fee to all concert tickets in the wake of the hottest global summer temperatures ever recorded, executives from the company confirmed from the comfort of their air-conditioned private jet.
Woman Celebrates Labor Day With Six Extra Meetings the Next Day
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Software product manager Alanah Tivola “celebrated” Labor Day by dutifully scheduling six meetings for tomorrow that she would have attended today, confirmed hungover sources reviewing their depressing Google Calendars. “Paying for time off the next day seems kinda ironic for a federal holiday recognizing workers,” Tivola pointed out, dashing off a quick “sorry, triple-booked!” response to two of the three meetings now occupying her lunchtime.
Woman Celebrates Labor Day With Six Extra Meetings the Next Day
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Software product manager Alanah Tivola “celebrated” Labor Day by dutifully scheduling six meetings for tomorrow that she would have attended today, confirmed hungover sources reviewing their depressing Google Calendars. “Paying for time off the next day seems kinda ironic for a federal holiday recognizing workers,” Tivola pointed out, dashing off a quick “sorry, triple-booked!” response to two of the three meetings now occupying her lunchtime.
How to Finally Reach Inbox Zero by Getting Fired
FiredCongrats Girl!WorkInbox × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Awkward Hookup or Assembling an IKEA Dresser?
Every position you try is somehow the wrong one. Things that should be lubricated are decidedly not, and vice versa. Any instructions are sparse and/or borderline incomprehensible. You’re tempted to reach for a strong drink but know it would make things even more difficult. There’s copious sweating. Leaning against the wall for better support seemed like a solid plan until it backfired. Flipping it over absolutely does not help, either.
51 Indie Songs From the 2000s Ranked by How Much They Can Still Make Millennials Cry
Ah, the 2000s. A simpler time, when a thousand weird mp3 blogs all named “Melted Acetate Owl” or something were a thing. Climate change and American politics were only, like, regular-bad. Indie music had it all: Sweaty danceable post-punk. Earnest folksy acoustic fare. Quirky eclectic pop. Garage rock revival and the revival of the revival. Emo-adjacent rock. Sadness galore in all genres! Well, dust off your first-generation iPod and draw the curtains in your pathetic little apartment.
Woman Preserves Her Unpaid Medical Bills Like Correspondence From an 18th Century Lover
Medical DebtBillsDear John × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
‘You May Feel a Little Pinch,’ Says Gynecologist Revving Industrial Chainsaw
PainGynecologistIt'll Be Quick! × WE'RE DESPERATE FOR YOUR APPROVAL.
Winston Churchill Quote or Taylor Swift Lyric?
Taylor Swift lyric: 3-4, 7, 9-11, 15-16. And they're all from Midnights, too - clearly she's in her Churchill era! Jessica F. Lillian is a writer, editor, and content strategist. In addition to The...
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