Julie Mitchell

40 Days & 40 Nights Are all your birthday wishes, New Year's Resolutions, and/or 80% of passing thoughts all about weight loss? Congratulations, you've let the worst people from 2003 win. What does it feel like letting your self-image be shaped by Howard Stern, possibly a literal demon? Losing weight makes someone else money and you smaller.

P.I.E. = Personality Identity Estimator Thanksgiving is a time of family, food, arguments, reconnections, history, and pie. If that sounds like a lot, it is. Thanksgiving is when we see people we haven't seen in a while, celebrate with friends we see all the time, or remember genocide. However you do it, it's very likely there is going to be pie. Pie at Thanksgiving is like a gun in a Chekhov play—important and foretelling. Pie inspires arguments and emotions like no other.

Smiling Faces If you love giving out candy, that's important, and you're a blessing. However, sometimes, you just want to go to bed, or be high, and not worry if some kid dressed as Harry Connick Jr. or Margaret Orr is going to ring your doorbell at 10:45 p.m. looking for KitKats. There are so many reasons you might not want trick-or-treaters on Halloween: small baby trying to sleep, cursed by a witch as a child, bought candy but now you want to keep most of it, sex, etc. There are so many reasons.