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Articles by Julien Darmoni
The Duolingo Owl’s Last Will and Testament
Thank you all for coming. As you know, Duo the multilingual owl passed away peacefully on February 11, 2025. As his executor, it is my job to read his last will and testament. What follows are his words. “Hello! I’m the teacher who is gone. Did you know? I have written this will in exciting and memorable English! Can you understand the phrases concerning my death? Excellent! You’re doing a great job! Now I will begin. Listen carefully, or else.
These New “Book” Things Are Going to Ruin Society
Each morning, when I leave my cottage, the scenes I witness could be taken straight from the End of Days. Villagers passing you in the street with their noses in books; couples on the backs of potato carts, staring expressionlessly into books. I even see people reading while riding horses, careening blindly into cottages, mowing down peasants at random—it should be illegal! Townsfolk seem excited about the advent of accessible literature, but I think that these people must not have kids.
I Got Another “Failed Delivery Attempt” from the Stork Delivering My Baby
I am expecting a delivery, and even though I know I should be patient I can’t help but fume. The stork that was supposed to drop off my baby left another “Sorry we missed you!” slip on my front door, and now I have to stay home again tomorrow to wait for it! This happens truly every time the stork tries to deliver a baby to my Brooklyn brownstone. For instance, my last child, Julia, the light of my life, was almost sent back to the warehouse because there were so many failed drop-off attempts.
I Went to Hogwarts for Seven Years and Did Not Learn Math or Spelling, and Now I Can’t Get a Job
Dear Headmaster McGonagall: I am a recent Hogwarts graduate, and, although my time with you was a literal fantasy, I unfortunately did not learn a lot of basic skills, like math or spelling, at your skool. You may say, “Why do you need arithmetic? You’re a wizard. You can do magic!” To which I reply, sure, for some wizard careers that’s great, but other wizards work in middle management and just want a normal nine-to-five gig.
Beatles Songs for Millennials
“Drive My Google Car ” “Ticket to ‘Hamilton’thinsp;” “ ? ? U, ? ? ? ” “She’s Leaving Home to Go Backpacking for a Semester” “In My Wife! ” “Do You Want to Know a Secret? Click Here” “I Am the Wall Street Lobbyist” “While My Video Slowly Buffers” “Honestly? Honey Don’t” “And Your Bird Can Oppa Gangnam Style” “Flying (I’m On Molly) ” “A Day in My Wife! ” “Lucy Stuntin’ on the Jumbotron with Blood Diamonds” “Here, There, Yeah, They Love Me Everywhere” “Ph.D. Candidate Robert” “Hey My Dude!” “Lady Madonna?
#ModernLove - The New Yorker
“I’ve never been so enamored of anyone,” James confessed. “The whole evening seems #enchanted.” The restaurant buzzed around them. He handed Tabby a Sticker. “James, can I Share this?” Tabby asked, blushing as a single bulbous drop of sweat appeared in the top-right quadrant of her forehead. “Of course. When we get back to your place, I’ll Share it to your Wall,” James said, huskily. Everything was so #glamorous. “I’d like to Share a toast,” Commented James, spontaneously.
Pets Immediately Available for Adoption
Thank you for your interest in adopting a pet! While we can’t guarantee that every dog or cat you see listed on our Web site will be available at the shelter when you arrive, there are several members of our furry family that have been with us quite a while and will almost certainly be here, eagerly awaiting you.
We All Scream for Ice Cream
I will scream. You will scream. We all will scream for ice cream. Shrieks will tear through the night—cries of children, cries of men. We will all degrade ourselves for the ice cream. August days torn asunder by the insatiable desire for ice cream. Humid blocks packed with wretched bodies wandering. Wandering for ice cream. I will scream for ice cream, and I do. The summer is lost. In its place, only the lawlessness of the ice-cream-less. And screaming. A traveller on the road. Your parched eyes meet.
Pikachu’s Twentieth-Anniversary Party
PHOTOGRAPH BY AF ARCHIVE / ALAMY The ceremony had been lavish and well attended. But still, as the evening wound down, Pikachu, a wistful mix of booze and sentiment, couldn't quite believe that it had already been twenty years. "Charmander?" Charmander said, slinging an arm over Pikachu's shoulder, grinning sidelong at his inebriated friend. "Char, Char!" Pikachu laughed—clearly he wasn't the only one who'd been drinking.
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