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Articles by Kyle Duggan
NATO selects German general as next military committee chair over Canada’s defence chief
6 hours ago Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen has described a deal for the US to develop a significant military presence on Greenland, as 'a good agreement'. US President Donald Trump announced the deal on Friday, after he spent months seeking to acquire Greenland, citing threats from Russia and China, …
Santa Confirms He Will No Longer Be Gifting Xbox Consoles
NORTH POLE — Immortal elf Santa Claus confirmed that Xbox consoles will no longer be included in his yearly gift distribution event after they disappeared from his website earlier this fall. “I will no longer be carrying Xbox consoles in my magical, bottomless sack,” said Claus. “It’s purely a business decision. I’m just not seeing the demand this year. When only two, three thousand kids put something on their list? It’s not worth my time to train the elves to make it.
Pro-Palestinian activist Yves Engler barred from running for NDP leadership - Canada News
Self-described "agitator" Yves Engler has been denied entry to the NDP leadership race, after the party's vetting committee said it has credible evidence of harassment. In a statement issued Wednesday, Engler said he wants the party's federal council to overturn a decision from the leadership vote committee to disqualify his candidacy.
Trump Claims Epstein Files Were Deleted at Insistence of Payment Processors
WASHINGTON — President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm. “The Epstein files, which are a Democrat HOAX, have been destroyed at the direction of several wonderful payment processors, including Mastercard and Visa,” President Trump declared on his Truth social network.
32-Year-Old Clair Obscur Fan Can’t Wait to Get Gommaged
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — A millennial fan of the hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 is eagerly anticipating the upcoming date when she will dissolve into ash and rose petals and utterly cease to exist, sources confirm. “It’s only a few more months, now,” said Danielle Preston, 32, as she smiled at her calendar. “All these years of toil and strain will burn away and be forgotten. I’m exhausted from seeing things how they are, rather than how I want them to be. I know where my life is going.
King of Hyrule Denies Existence of Tingle Client List
HYRULE — King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule categorically denied that the government is in possession of a list of clients for notorious human trafficker, Tingle, source confirm. “What’s going on with my ‘Ritos,’ and, in some cases, ‘Gorons?’” said King Daphnes in a message posted to the Pirates Charm network. “The files you’re asking for never existed! It’s just another Vaati-created hoax like Ganongate and climate change.
Nintendo Reveals How Diddy Kongs Are Made
KYOTO, Japan — Diddy Kongs are not conceived through conventional intercourse, a fact announced by Nintendo while promoting their upcoming title, “Donkey Kong Bananza.” “Diddy was not born of woman-Kong,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, renowned creator of the Donkey Kong franchise. “He is an artificial biological construct, designed and created to serve a very specific purpose. That is why he is the only Kong with a tail.
Thousands to return home after fires force Flin Flon, Man., residents out - Canada News
Thousands of residents from the northern Manitoba city of Flin Flon are expected to return home today after a menacing wildfire forced them to flee nearly a month ago. The out-of-control wildfire is still burning, but officials say crews have been able to contain it to outside the community that sits on the Saskatchewan boundary. Officials add disaster and recovery assistance will be available on site for returning residents, as will a food bank handing out perishable and non-perishable items.
Nation's Living Rooms in Disarray as Minecraft Movie Hits Streaming
NEW YORK — Living rooms and family rooms across the country have been nearly destroyed by rambunctious tweens following the release of “A Minecraft Movie” on the HBO Max streaming service, concerned parents report. “Dear God, we just bought that sofa,” said Amy Lark, 43. “Now it’s covered in Gogurt and Feastable crumbs. He didn’t even have any friends over! He just asked if he could use his screen time to watch a movie, and I had all the parental restrictions set up, so I thought it was fine.
Trump Administration Condemns Mario Kart World's Open Border Policy
WASHINGTON — White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt spoke out against the open world design of Mario Kart World for the Nintendo Switch 2, the newest game in the long-running series. “Frankly, if you don’t have strong borders, you don’t have a kingdom,” said Leavitt. “This game erases the cultural distinctions between Peach Stadium and Moo Moo Meadows. If you can just drive between one track and the next, then how can you say they’re even different tracks?
New York Times Games Adds New ‘Endorsement’ Puzzle
NEW YORK — The New York Times Games app has added a new logic puzzle based on the city’s upcoming Democratic mayoral primary election, sources confirm. “Clue 1: You must not rank Zohran Mamdani,” reads the first—and, so far, only—puzzle. “Clue 2: We are not endorsing Andrew Cuomo. Clue 3: Really, we do not make official endorsements on local elections anymore.
$80 Game Surprisingly Easy to Shoplift
PLANO, Texas — Gamer Clarence Scott, 38, was shocked at how easily he was able to steal a copy of Mario Kart World from his local Target, despite the game’s premium price tag. “It was in that locked glass case like all the other games,” said Scott, recounting the events as he excitedly paced around his living room. “But after I asked the kid who worked there to get it out for me, I said I was looking for a few more things.
LAPD Starts YouTube Channel for Rubber Bullet Trickshots
LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm. “Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now.
ICE Agent Unlocks Golden Neck Gaiter After 100th Kidnapping
PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration. “I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy.
George Foreman's Casket Angled to Reduce Fat
HOUSTON — Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm. “This is an option we offer to our more health-conscious decedents,” said Barry Carroll, funeral home director. “The patented fat-burning technology allows our patrons to experience a leaner afterlife without losing any of that heavenly flavor. You simply close the lid, and the casket does all the work.
Schumer Saves Cloture Denial in Case He Needs It for Final Boss
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm. “I just felt like this is a fight I could afford to lose,” said Schumer. “It’s not like it’ll cost me any money or experience. My status is entirely unaffected by the outcome of this vote.
Bobby Kotick Claims Activision Blizzard Lawsuits Were Just Scheme to Receive Compensation for Harassment
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Former Activision Blizzard CEO claimed that a lawsuit filed against the company by the state of California was a conspiracy organized by disgruntled employees to attain restitution for acts of discrimination and harassment. “You look at these fake lawsuits against companies like us and Riot, and it’s wild,” said Kotick during an interview on Grift, a podcast produced by venture capital firm Kleiner Gurkens.
Facebook Classifies Phrase “Mid-Life Crisis” as Banned Hate Speech
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced additional changes to the company’s moderation policies, including a new list of banned terms, sources confirmed. “Facebook and Instagram users of all temporal identities should feel welcome on our platforms,” said Zuckerberg. “Individuals who make hateful remarks about the clothing and haircuts of anyone born before the year 2000 will be immediately suspended, especially if those clothes actually look really, really cool.
Opinion: The Avengers Need Their Own Pro-Spider-Man J. Jonah Jameson
Look, we all know that the Avengers are in big trouble. After a series of crushing defeats, their popularity is in freefall, leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. desperate for answers. With villains gaining more and more support, I think it’s worth taking a note from the personality who dominates the modern bad guy media landscape—publisher-turned-podcaster J. Jonah Jameson. “The J. Jonah Jameson Ordeal” has become an influential empire by appealing to his listener’s emotions.
Elderly President Too Distracted by Wayward Son to Fight Anti-Democratic Conspiracy
NEW YORK — Disgraced president George Sears, also known as Solidus Snake, was unable to execute his plan to restore American liberty after expending all of his effort dealing with his adoptive son Jack’s troublesome behavior, sources confirm. “No reasonable person who looks at the facts of Jack’s cases can reach any other conclusion than Jack was singled out only because he is my son—and that is wrong,” wrote Sears in a statement before he confronted his son atop Federal Hall.
King of Hyrule Wishes Ganondorf Well, Promises Peaceful Transfer of Power
HYRULE CASTLE — Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, the recently deposed King of Hyrule, expressed his desire for the usurper Ganondorf to usher the kingdom into an age of prosperity while promising to offer no resistance to the incoming ruler’s ascent to power. “First of all, I’d like to wish Ganondorf congratulations on conquering the kingdom and overthrowing me,” said King Daphnes. “We’re looking forward to a smooth transition.
Batman Ordered to Return to Office
GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city. “Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him?
Every Festival in Stardew Valley Ranked by How Good of an Excuse It Would Be to Cancel Real Life Plans
If you’re anything like my wife, you’ve spent more time playing “Stardew Valley” in the last few years than you have sleeping. Also, you love me unconditionally. I get it—the game requires a strong commitment. Farming, mining, and building relationships all take a lot of time and effort. The deeper you immerse yourself in Pelican Town, the more rewarding the game becomes—but there is a cost.
Jack Black Already Adding Sims Movie to His IMDb Page
LOS ANGELES — Actor and comedian Jack Black was seen adding a credit for the upcoming film based on Electronic Arts’ Sims franchise to his IMDb page shortly after the movie’s recent announcement, sources confirm. “It’s a video game movie. Of course I’m in it,” said Black, leaning over his keyboard. “I’ve sacrificed a lot for this career. I literally threw my best friend and comedy partner under the bus to preserve it.
Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game (2024 Edition)
Last year, we took a peek at the favorite video games of every NFL quarterback. You might think that not much can change in a year, but you’d be wrong. So much has changed. We took the time and effort to check back in with every starting QB in the league and see what they’re playing this year. This isn’t some lazy Madden release where we only tweak the interface a little bit and charge you full price, either. It’s a completely new experience. Check it out.
Brennan Lee Mulligan's Entire Life Revealed to Be Elaborate "Game Changer" Bit
LOS ANGELES — Comedian Brennan Lee Mulligan’s entire upbringing and career were recently revealed to be part of one of Sam Reich’s trademark tricks for Dropout’s “Game Changer” show. “Honestly, we chose him entirely at random,” said Reich. “We’re really lucky that he turned out to be an incredible comedian and performer.
10 Lord of the Rings Characters Who Also Deserve Their Own Self-Indulgent Spinoff
Warner Bros. recently announced “The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum,” an artistically bankrupt effort to rip Andy Serkis away from 20th Century Studios’ Planet of the Apes franchise so he can do motion capture for them, instead. While the report of Gollum’s capture may be one of the more dull untold stories of the saga, there are even more pointless tales from the legendarium that should be told. Here are ten characters that deserve their own spinoff. Tom Bombadil There. You happy?
Cosmere RPG Rulebooks Just Brandon Sanderson's Collected Works
LOS ANGELES — After securing nearly $15 million in funds through a Kickstarter campaign, Brandon Sanderson announced that the core books for his in-development tabletop RPG will be the entire corpus of his written work, sources confirm. “I write hard magic systems,” said Sanderson during an episode of his “Writing Excuses” podcast. “That means you can’t throw out a single word. If a player hasn’t read all of my books, then the whole magical architecture collapses.
Top 10 Rejected Mario Power-Ups
1 — Plunger Originally, Mario was only able to make use of Warp Pipes after unclogging them. Like the game’s bushes, the sprite for the human waste in the game was actually just a palette-swapped cloud. Efficiency! 2 — Okay Mushroom It was supposed to make you bigger than Small Mario, but not quite as big as Super Mario. It also gave Mario a 660 credit score.
Childless 36-Year-Old Man Celebrates Back-to-School Season by Starting New Persona Save
WESTFIELD, Mass. — Local gamer Jakob Barnes announced that he was starting a new “Persona 5” playthrough in recognition of the new school year, sources confirm. “Yeah, I’ve only beaten the game seven or eight times, to be honest,” said Barnes. “I had been working my way through all of the ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ trophies on PS5 all summer, but I kind of felt it was time for me to get back to work. I’m a little nervous, but also really excited.
Last Save Just Far Back Enough to Tolerate Annoying Glitch
OMAHA, Neb. — A local gamer is begrudgingly tolerating a frustrating bug because he does not want to lose the progress he has made since his last save, sources confirm. “See? About half the time I press the ‘A’ button in dialog or menus, it doesn’t register,” said Phillip Mack, who was playing “Knights of the Manderline,” a new action-RPG.
Every Star Wars Episode I: Racer Pilot Ranked by How Much They Deserve Their Own Disney+ Series
It feels like we’re drowning in Star Wars projects these days. It’s as though they’ll give a movie or show to any character that so much as winks at Dave Filoni. Despite all of the work he’s done to rehabilitate the prequel trilogy, there’s one property that has been conspicuously neglected. I’m speaking, of course, about the classic Nintendo 64 title, “Star Wars Episode I: Racer.” I’m sure Dave will get around to it eventually, and when he does, I hope he finds the following list helpful.
Pip-Boy Adds Screen Asking for Tip
NEW VEGAS — A remote update has added a new, mandatory tipping interface to RobCo’s ubiquitous Pip-Boy device, sources confirm. “I was just trying to get rid of a Radscorpion infestation on my farm,” said Dylan Wyatt, a local homesteader. “I encountered an individual who seemed up to the task. They went by some kind of try-hard pseudonym; I can’t quite remember it. ‘The Lone Dweller,’ or maybe ‘The Vault Courier.’ That should have a red flag.
Report: JD Vance, Wife Experimenting With Couch Co-Op
ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Ohio Senator and vice presidential hopeful JD Vance and his wife Usha have turned to unconventional means in order to maintain their relationship on the campaign trail, sources confirm. “It’s nice to sneak away and do something private with someone you care about,” said Vance. “It lets us forget all about the outside world. We just lock the door, turn on the TV, put the volume all the way up, and sink deep into that sofa, you know? For us, it’s not about winning or losing.
Local Museum Just, Like, Full
ANIMAL VILLAGE — Multiple sources have confirmed that the local branch of the Farway Museum has, like, absolutely no room for new exhibits or artifacts. “You see, I’ve only been allotted so much space to display our collection,” said Blathers, the museum’s curator. “Resident Services are a bit sticky about that, eh wot. It’s actually astonishing how much we’ve been able to fit in here, given the tiny plot of land allocated to us. We’ve even expanded a little over time.
Phantom Thieves Successfully Clear Biden’s Palace Original
WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm. “This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline.
Oblivious RFK Jr. Still Mashing Away on Unplugged Controller
ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he was handed shortly before last Thursday’s debate, sources confirm. “He just kept whining that he wanted to play ‘debate,’” said Jake Tapper, CNN anchor and one of the debate’s moderators. “We needed to shut him up somehow, so we sent a PA to find an old MadCatz PS2 controller.
Legendary Chiptune Composer Cites Crippling Tinnitus as Inspiration
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Renowned chiptune composer Joel Grady revealed that all of his award winning soundtracks were directly inspired by his debilitating tinnitus, which causes him to hear a constant, high-pitched ringing in his ears. “I don’t know how much longer I can live like this,” said Grady. “I never wanted to make music. I wasn’t a gamer growing up. Hell, I didn’t even know ‘chiptune’ was a thing until I turned thirty and the ringing started.
The Pizza Sucks but They Got Cruis'n USA
When entering Main Street Pizza and Sandwiches, three things are impossible to ignore. First is the overwhelming smell of hot, rancid grease. Second is the layer of dirt and grime that covers every visible surface in the establishment.
David Zaslav Paints Fake Movie Premiere on Canyon Wall
SONORAN DESERT, Ariz. — Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav spent an entire morning painting an elaborate mural of a premiere-night cinema marquee on an otherwise nondescript canyon wall, speedy avian sources confirm. “This is the type of scheme that only a super genius could conceive of,” said Zaslav as he handed out business cards printed with that title. “You see, I have had trouble attracting talented filmmakers to work with us, since I keep canceling their movies.
Remembering Carl Weathers: Actor, Director, Professional Athlete, and the Only Thing My Dad and I Both Liked
Carl Weathers, actor, professional football player, and the only subject I could talk to my father about for more than fifteen seconds without trying to fight each other, passed away in his Los Angeles home at the age of 76. Weathers found his star turn in “Rocky,” a film that my dad would often watch while lying on the couch when he was supposed to be keeping an eye on me.
Palworld Modder Receives Cease and Desist From Guy Who Looks Exactly Like Nintendo Attorney
MODESTO, Calif. — A modder who replaced the native creatures of breakout hit Palworld with Pokémon was instructed not to continue his work by a man who bore a suspicious resemblance to one of Nintendo’s lawyers, sources confirm. “This guy’s knocking at my door yelling about a cease and desist letter, and I’m thinking he looks a little familiar,” said Mike Barton, who goes by the handle CrispySocks online. “Suddenly it hits me: this dude is just a palette-swapped Joe Levine.
Tumblr Millennial Retires to Bluesky
FRESNO, Calif. — A 33-year old millennial is reportedly joining Bluesky in order to relive their fond memories of Tumblr’s peak, not-quite-middle-aged sources have confirmed. “I know everyone said Tumblr died a long time ago, but I was hoping it’d still make a comeback,” said Alex Dalton, who said they have had several accounts on the platform starting as early as 2007. “I think it’s finally time to move on, though. I was always afraid of Twitter and Instagram because they were so different.
Vaati Ends Campaign, Endorses Ganondorf
HYRULE — Evil sorcerer-turned-demon Vaati has suspended his campaign to conquer and dominate Hyrule just days before the crucial Lanayru primary, monstrous sources have confirmed. “The number one priority has always been taking down Drowsy Daphnes,” said Vaati at a press conference, referring to King Daphnes by a pejorative nickname. “The time has come for us to unite behind one leader, and that leader is Ganondorf.
Peter Parker Can’t Shake Spidey-Sense He Left Stove On
NEW YORK — Local photographer and superhero alter-ego Peter Parker told sources close to him that he suspected he had left the stove on after his super-powered “Spider-sense” went off. “Aw, man. This is the downside of having god-like powers,” said Parker. “Everyone thinks it’s all fun and games, but it can be really annoying, too.
Biden Sends Fundraising Email Asking Nation for Help Remembering White House WiFi Password
WASHINGTON — Democratic donors recently received a plea from the Biden campaign featuring a direct appeal from the President asking for assistance connecting his computer to the White House’s wireless network, sources confirm. “It’s honestly getting annoying,” said Adrian Daniels, a frequent campaign volunteer who signed up for the Biden administration’s mailing list during the 2020 election. “Just last week, he said he needed help updating his anti-virus.
Show of the Year Edition" Despite Not Winning Any Good Emmys
NEW YORK — Premium television channel HBO announced the upcoming release of a special Show of the Year Edition of their acclaimed series “The Last of Us” despite the show failing to win a single televised Emmy. “We’re thrilled to offer an enhanced version of ‘The Last of Us’ that will give true fans everything they’ve asked for,” said David Zaslav, CEO of HBO’s parent company Warner Bros. Discovery. “Sure, it may have struck out at the Emmys, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the show of the year.
Amusement Park Guest Who Can’t Find Exit Notices Food Prices Have Suddenly Skyrocketed
CRAZY CASTLE — A guest who was unsuccessfully trying to leave a local theme park noticed a sharp rise in concession prices, tired and hungry sources have confirmed. “I was just trying to wrap up a fun day of riding roller coasters and thrill rides,” said Katie Rodger, who said she could have sworn her name used to be Guest 114. “I walked back towards where I had entered the park — or, at least, where I thought I had entered the park.
‘Madame Web’ Wardrobe to Be Provided by Spirit Halloween
EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Seasonal retailer Spirit Halloween recently announced that they provided all costumes and wardrobe for Sony Pictures’ upcoming superhero film, Madame Web. “We can’t put into words how excited we at Spirit Halloween are for this partnership,” said Adriana Compton, a spokesperson for the costume retailer. “It’s a form of product integration that we’ve previously only dreamed about.
Jack Black Joins Cast of 'Minecraft' Movie as Incredibly Loud Gravel Block
BURBANK, Calif. — Despite early reports that Jack Black had been cast as player character Steve in the upcoming “Minecraft” movie, the actor recently confirmed that he will be taking on the role of an especially noisy block of gravel. “The way I see it, gravel is a whole bunch of rocks,” said Black, who broke into an exaggerated falsetto at several points throughout his statement. “And there’s nothing I love more than rock. Especially when it’s really, really, really loud rock.
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