Luke Gordon Field

TORONTO – In the wake of CEO Tobi Lutke endorsing an electoral system in which votes are allocated based on how much income tax you pay, e-commerce platform Shopify has announced that customers can put in promo code PLUTOCRACY for 10% off any order on any store that uses the platform. “At Shopify we believe in 3 things,” said company representative Marcy Topp.

With wildfire smoke drifting down from Canada into Michigan, New York and other states, numerous Americans have once again taken to social media to complain about Canada ruining their summers and “sending” our smoke to them. And they’re right. So we at The Beaverton wanted to introduce you to the government employee who oversees the ‘wildfire smoke pipeline to the U.S.’ team: 47 year old Peter Keane.

OTTAWA – Mark Carney is declaring victory after he was able to work out a deal to finally open the TrumpCoin International Bridge, sponsored by Trumpstore.com “Canadians have been waiting for the chance to cross the TrumpCoin International Bridge ever since it was first announced in the early 2010s,” said Carney while loading heavy canvas bags with $ signs on them into the back of a van heading for D.C. “And now they will be able to, just as soon as we finish paying for the right to open the...