Guardian columnist

Refugees and Cindy Crawford’s daughter: an age-old problem for the tabloids — Ooh, it's the age-old question, isn't it? How old is OK? When are they old enough? When is it OK to say that something was justified because they didn't look like a child to you? I notice the Daily Mail this week deploying the famous hair test to determine whether or not it's OK to go there.

Gianni Infantino and Fifa seem to have a new plan: to kill the World Cup — Some movies are so bad they kill more than themselves. Sometimes, they kill a series. As George Clooney wryly (and rightly) observed after Batman & Robin: "I think we might have killed the franchise." Occasionally, a movie is such a disaster it kills an entire genre.

From Marmite to the royal yacht, Britain is now a global joke — 'The former royal chef Owen Hodgson reveals that our monarch likes a touch of Marmite with her mushrooms." Not my words, readers, but the words of a Hello! magazine article from last year, which really takes you back to an era when Britain wasn't living under the constant threat of post-Brexit commodity rationing.

‘I’m with Nigel’: the Farage entourage tries to break America — Finally, a catchphrase as iconic as "I'm with Vince", the access-all-areas intro dropped by the hangers-on in Entourage. Say hello to "I'm with Nigel", as the breakout star of Brexit tries to make it big in America, accompanied by his coat-tailing posse from back home. Don't ask me the title of this shitshow, girls.

Ronald McDonald’s not lovin’ the creepy clown craze — Heartbreaking news from America, where the creepy clown panic claims its highest-profile scalp. In a statement this week, McDonald's announced it would be benching Ronald McDonald with immediate effect. According to its formal explanation: "McDonald's and franchisees in the local markets are mindful of the current climate around clown sightings in communities and as such are being thoughtful in respect to Ronald McDonald's participation in community events for the time being."

Infantino’s jetsetting contrasts grimly with migrant worker’s Fifa case — In the grim scheme of things, it is the modesty of the sum that gets you. With the formal backing of the Netherlands Trade Union Confederation, a Bangladeshi man named Nadim Sharaful Alam is to sue Fifa for its alleged complicity in the mistreatment of those migrant workers in Qatar who are charged with building its World Cup venues and infrastructure.

Ladies, please tell - how do you resist the hardmen of Ukip? — Of all the political mysteries we'll never get to the bottom of, the most unfathomable is surely Ukip's own admission that it lags so significantly behind with female voters. At last count, over two-thirds of the party's support was male, while the 2015 election saw the Tories post majority female support, at 56%.

Alain de Botton and Katie Price’s meeting of minds - and sharp tongues — "The more dignity is widely and freely available in a society," philosophy's Alain de Botton once declared, "the less people want to be famous." Oddly, this isn't the trailer line he has gone with for his latest symposium, a conversation with Katie Price, for which tickets cost £30.

Kim Kardashian, the Pink Panthers and the missing jewels — "Was Kim Kardashian chased through Paris in a mystery Fiat?" asks a report on the jewellery heist rocking the worlds of both reality television and Parisian crime. To the French capital, then, where the old mystery Fiat strikes again, lending its nutty kitemark to a story hardly short of dramatics.

Tory conference - the Eurocidal maniacs have found their ‘Theresa Bae’ — To the Conservative party conference - or Lannisterfest, to use its street name. The event took place in Birmingham and there was only one question on everyone's lips: which idiot put the word COUNTRY in the platform backdrop? "A COUNTRY THAT WORKS FOR EVERYONE," it read.
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Oct 20, 2016

@ProfTimBale I don't know am afraid. I have spent an undue amount of time over the past fortnight picturing what his agent would be like

Oct 20, 2016

@MikeMadden oh god yes. And you know, no one ever knocked Sinatra for singing My Way again and again

Oct 20, 2016

@MikeMadden Farage is basically a travelling -IP salesman now.

Oct 20, 2016

@MikeMadden is there some kind of opening as the manservant's manservant? Is Christie hiring?

Oct 20, 2016

@DeborahJaneOrr @YouGotWayne the women said he grabbed them, he says he grabs women

Oct 20, 2016

@DeborahJaneOrr @YouGotWayne yes I saw someone describe it not so much as a "she said, he said" but a "she said, he also said".

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