As a fresh-faced arrival to Australia aged nine, I tried everything to fit in. But in the process, I turned myself into a middle-aged white man thanks to an unhealthy and unsupervised childhood obsession with conservative talkback radio. Lacking any real connection to my new home, I plunged myself into this curious, sun-kissed culture by suckling from the all knowing teat of conservative talkback kings, Stan ‘the Man’ Zemanek, John 'Golden Tonsils' Laws and Alan ‘Parrot’ Jones.