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Articles by Winnie Code
Are You an Adult Only Child Still Living at Home or a House Cat?
You’re happy as long as you’re left alone and fed on time. After being away from home for any length of time, it takes you three days to properly decompress and readjust. You make low-pitched noises to convey that you’re upset. Which you are. Visitors can tell which piece of furniture is your favorite just by looking at what has the most stains. Regardless of when you go to bed, you sleep for twelve hours. You keep acquiring an increasing number of toys while your number of job offers remains at zero.
Why Isn’t That Thing I’ve Been Putting Off Doing Already Done?
For hours today, I have been thinking about doing the thing. And yet I have made zero progress on doing the thing. How is this possible? Can’t you see how clean my oven is? How filed my taxes are? How very walked my dog is? And yet, the thing is still not done. I do not understand. I am not expecting miracles. I am expecting the thing to get finished if I just leave it alone and pretend it isn’t there for long enough. That’s how these things are supposed to work if life were fair. I’m incredibly patient.
Terms and Conditions of Being the Eldest Daughter in an Immigrant Family (Version 42.7)
Effective Immediately. Supersedes all previous verbal, emotional, and psychic agreements made in childhood, on birthday phone calls, or over cups of lukewarm Milo. By proceeding beyond this sentence, you (“the Eldest Daughter”) accept the full scope of responsibilities as outlined by The Family™ (“we,” “us,” “your mother”). Last updated: After your cousin got engaged. Again. To the same man. Who still hasn’t passed his exams. 1.
True Crime Podcast Where Suspect Is Guilty of Being Weird Adult Man
Episode 1: Jeb Wilkin’s neighbor Quentin McCasey was the last person to see Jeb alive and yet the police do not consider him a suspect. Instead they’re focused on the theory that Jeb may have been a victim of the Greensborough Killer. However, the week of Jeb’s murder Quentin was reportedly seen watching Jeb’s house with binoculars from his window. The night after Jeb’s murder Quentin was also spotted dragging a heavy misshapen package from his house and cramming it into his car.
I’m the Safety Tag on a Baby Product And, Yeah, I’m Going to Kill Your Baby
WARNING! This product has been known to cause bodily injury to infants. Why? I am danger. I am violence. I am every nightmare you could or will ever have. I am the forbidden fruit that will have you cast out of the garden Eden (your sticky, sticky house). I’m here to teach you a lesson. Ready? CAUTION: I’ve killed before and I’ll kill again. You’re probably thinking: “Why would a soft, soft teddy bear kill a baby? Wasn’t it designed for babies?” Ha ha ha. Are you the baby?
Why I, A Man, Did Not Actually Beat Serena Williams at Tennis
Like many men who hear about Serena Williams and that she plays tennis, I told everyone I knew that I could beat her. I said the phrase “no contest” several times. I guess word got back to her and, well, she had a hankering for a spank-ering. On a related note, I once saw a hoodie that said “results or excuses” on it. The result was that I came in second in the match, which is good, too. But if you were wanting to hear an excuse since we already know the result, these are fifteen.
Solutions to Traffic Congestion the City Is Willing to Try
As the population of the city grows, so does its citizens’ incessant need to be in different places. Start-up founders who love ketamine and know a guy in the mayor’s office are hard at work, dedicated to finding a solution to commute times and congestion just so long as it doesn’t involve a subway, bus, or bike lane. Their commitment to urban planning and horse tranquilizers is as steadfast as their ideas are disruptive. In partnership with Chippendales, a total hunk picks you up in the air.
14 Tips for Raising an Under-Litigious Baby
Congratulations on your new baby! We are sure you are overjoyed by what we consider to be a fleshy little liability. And while we have never met a baby or know what it is, we do have some advice that will protect you and the company going forward. Please heed these simple warnings so no one gets mad at us ever: Do not touch your baby. Your baby might feel uncomfortable and sue. Do not allow your baby to get wet in its first 24 hours. Should it get wet, it could feel uncomfortable and sue.
How to Tell If That Guy Who Desperately Needs a Kidney Like-Likes You
When you show up to the bar, he offers to get you a drink, or a soda water, or leafy greens and bulgur wheat. He asks his friends questions about you, like what your blood type is. He finds reasons to be around you, such as blood work and blood testing. He asks you about yourself, things like, “Can you give me a kidney?” and, “So how’s about that kidney?” Mutual friends get nervous around you guys because they don’t want to have to give him a kidney.
Dos and Don’ts of Post-Pandemic Etiquette
DO: Vigorously wave hellos from a distance of six feet at everyone you see, no matter if you know them or not. DON'T: Go to work if you’re sick. There’s no one there to rub your tummy and they make a big show of it if you throw up on the rug. DO: Thank your host for their invitation even if you don’t feel comfortable attending their event.
The Syrup Trap’s tips for earthquake safety
Vancouver, hometown of the Syrup Trap, may seem like paradise, but it comes at a cost. At any minute, the city and all who dwell within it could be struck by a devastating earthquake that would sever water pipes, split open roads and level large portions of the downtown core. Don’t be caught off guard: use this handy guide to figure out what to put in your home’s earthquake kit. Water You’ll need at least a three-day supply.
Thousands of Americans threaten to move to Canada if Trump wins and then get turned away at the border because that’s not how immigration works
May 24, 2016 NEW YORK (The News Desk) — Citing mounting fears of turmoil at home, thousands of Americans have announced their intention to move to Canada in the event of a Trump presidency and to then get immediately turned around by immigration officials at the border because that’s not how immigration works.
Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson to be torn down, replaced with condos
March 17, 2014 Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson to be torn down, replaced with condos VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — After a long fight with developers, City Hall announced yesterday that Vancouver mayor Gregor Robertson will be demolished to make way for a condo development. “Gregor is such a recognizable part of this city.
Mysterious Florida walk-on Jim Jebow excels in tryout
GAINESVILLE (The News Desk) — Promising reports from the University of Florida practice field indicate that mysterious walk-on Jim Jebow has impressed coaches in tryouts and early practices. “Kid can ball. We don’t know where he came from, or how everyone missed him in recruiting, but we’re lucky to have him,” said Florida head coach Jim McElwain while watching Jebow during drills.
Nancy Codbone, childcare professional, has died
Much-loved matriarch Nancy Codbone died peacefully in her sleep yesterday evening at an unknown age. She is survived by a fluctuating number of adopted children and two sisters, Evil Greta and Good Hazel. Ms. Codbone will be remembered as a pillar of Forest Grove. One whiff of her signature toad slime pie cooling on her gingerbread windowsill was enough to remind one of everything that Ms. Codbone accomplished for the community during her long, extremely drawn-out, mind-bogglingly prolonged life.
Canada goose named official goose of Canada
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — After 10 years of deliberation, the Canadian Parliament unanimously passed a motion today that named the Canada goose — known to biologists as Branta canadensis — the official goose of Canada. “We talked about a few other types of goose,” said Peter Kent, MP of Thornhill, ON. “The greylag goose, the African goose, the magpie goose, the Chinese goose.
My son should not go to jail for 20 minutes of murder
Your Honour, my boy made a mistake. No one is denying that. But it’s important to remember that he was drunk, and that he is normally a very sweet boy who does not murder. My son has no prior criminal record and has never murdered anyone before. He has never even tried to murder anyone. Except his brother Carl, but everyone in the family has. My son has maintained a 4.0 GPA while simultaneously managing — before last year — not to kill anyone.
9th consecutive manned mission to the sun fails tragically
HOUSTON (The News Desk) — NASA officials were shocked today after learning that the agency’s latest attempted manned mission to the sun had failed, killing all five astronauts on board. Data transmitted from Icarus 9 indicated that the spacecraft completely disintegrated approximately 50,000 kilometres from the surface of the sun due to the intense heat emanating from the star’s surface.
This is a terrific film poster, but are the woman’s breasts large enough?
Good job on this film poster, everyone. Joel, good job. Josh, good job. Thom, good job. This poster will entice and excite people to the extent that they pay money to see the film being advertised. A round of applause wouldn’t be ill-deserved. But don’t crack open the champagne just yet, Joel. Take the piñata down momentarily, Thom. I have a qualm, and one qualm only. There is a woman on the poster. The breasts of this woman — are they sufficiently large, would we say?
Caterpillar emerges from cocoon as winged super-caterpillar
STANFORD, CALIF. (The News Desk) — In what some biologists are calling an unprecedented event in modern biology, a team of researchers at Stanford University observed a caterpillar yesterday as it emerged from its cocoon as a much better, winged “super-caterpillar.” “The transformation that this creature has undergone defies anything I’ve ever seen during my career,” said Dr. Sandy Park, who led the experiment, and who has devoted her entire career to observing regular caterpillars.
New assisted dying legislation to give doctors legal right to kill senators
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — Assuming the bill makes it through the Senate, the Liberal government’s new assisted dying legislation is poised to give doctors the legal right to kill senators. “First of all, we’re concerned that the bill in its current form fails to provide access to assisted death to the many Canadians who suffer from grievous maladies but whose death may not be considered ‘imminent,’” said Liberal Senator Janelle Picard.
Stephen Harper accepts new job as Ticketmaster’s director of pre-sales
TORONTO (The News Desk) — Citing his passion for limiting access to arts and cultural events, former Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper revealed that he had recently accepted a new role as the head of ticket pre-sales for Ticketmaster.
Justin Trudeau: ‘I’m not here to make friends’
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — Referencing his “manhandling” of Conservative MP Gord Brown on Wednesday, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau rose confidently from his chair and told parliament today that he was there to “play the game,” rather than to secure the friendship of his fellow MPs. “It might sound like a cliché, but I’m not here to make friends,” said Trudeau, tracing an S shape through the air with his index finger.
Drake releases song about Toronto streetcar he once dated
TORONTO (The News Desk) — Toronto rapper Drake surprised friends and fans alike on Friday after it was confirmed that track #21 on his most recent studio album, Views, was about a Toronto streetcar he once dated in his early 20s. “We met at Queen and Lansdowne. She gave me a lift when I was walking home from the studio one day,” Drake said of the beginning of his relationship with the TTC streetcar.
Decomissioned Sea King helicopter gives moving speech on veterans’ rights, destroys Parliament
April 21, 2016 OTTAWA (The News Desk) — Claiming that Canada’s veterans have been neglected for too long, decommissioned Sea King helicopter, tail number 11356, gave a moving speech in Parliament today while inadvertently destroying everything in the House of Commons. “Veterans can no longer be a political playing card,” said 11356, its rotors tearing through flesh, wood and upholstery.
Thousands gather for solemn 4/20 ceremony at Tomb of the Unknown Stoner
VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — More than 20,000 sombre, stone-faced, red-eyed Vancouverites gathered downtown today to participate in this year’s April 20 remembrance ceremonies. Held at the Tomb of the Unknown Stoner in Victory Square park, the ceremony gave Canadians a chance to honour and remember those who had blazed before them. “We gather here today,” said prominent Vancouver stoner George Thomas before pausing for a three-minute moment of silence, gazing out wordlessly over the crowd.
Delirious, exhausted Justin Trudeau still explaining quantum computing to journalists
WATERLOO (The News Desk) — More than 72 hours after a video of him explaining quantum computing to a group of journalists went viral, a delirious Justin Trudeau was seen still explaining the subject at Waterloo’s Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics on Monday. “There are many sources of decoherence in a quantum system. Gravity causes decoherence if one state weighs more than the other. There may be stray long range fields.
Obama draws criticism for kickflipping over Nancy Reagan’s grave
SIMI VALLEY (The News Desk) — President Barack Obama took heat this week after landing a perfectly executed kickflip over the grave of former first lady Nancy Reagan. “It wasn’t even that cool,” said one Twitter user. “Like, if he pulled a 360 I don’t think we’d be having this discussion. But he didn’t.” The skateboard trick was a major topic of discussion at the most recent Republican debate, and every candidate took a strong stance against it.
Witnesses convicted in Ghomeshi trial
TORONTO (The News Desk) — In a widely anticipated verdict, the women who accused former CBC personality Jian Ghomeshi of assault have been found guilty of not behaving as assaulted women should. “The public is an expert on how abused women should behave,” said frequent Tim Horton’s customer Bob Reynolds, 52, in a statement outside the court of public opinion.
Syrian family gets into U.S. by disguising themselves as guns
NEW YORK (The News Desk) — A family of refugees from Al Hasakah, Syria gained easy admittance into the United States on Monday after tricking U.S. immigration officials into thinking they were a family of guns. Amin and Jamila Halabi, along with daughters Najwa and Zaida, were quickly ushered through the mandatory refugee screening process at Newark International Airport after border agents noticed that they were guns. “Right this way, Mr. and Mrs.
Ghost of Joe Clark at 24 Sussex turns out to be actual Joe Clark
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — A phantom at 24 Sussex, said to be the ghost of former prime minister Joe Clark, has turned out to be the actual Joe Clark. “The spirit was often seen in the kitchen or moving softly through the hallways, and security staff all reported being gripped by a deep sense of sadness at the sight,” said RCMP Supt. Nancy Socominsky, head of security for the official prime ministerial residence.
Amid backlash, Trudeau children to be raised by wolves
OTTAWA (The News Desk) — Facing backlash over using public funds to hire nannies, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced that his three young children will instead be abandoned in the wild to be raised by wolves. “We have heard you loud and clear,” the Liberal Party leader told the House of Commons on Thursday.
How to find the perfect ex-husband
Dear Winnie: You mentioned in your last column that being on the lookout for the perfect ex-husband was one of the most important things a girl can do in her early twenties. What are some traits I should look for in my future ex-husband? —Confused Karen Dear Karen: As husbands go, the first one kind of sets the bar. So it’s very important that you pick right. The ideal future ex-husband will love sports and making money. Neither of these things should fulfill him. He should think he loves you.
Greater Vancouver now available in smoky mesquite flavour
VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Just in time for barbecue season, B.C. Premier Christy Clark announced Monday that Vancouver and much of B.C.’s southern coast is now available in a smoky mesquite flavour. “We’ve been slow-roasting the southern part of the province for several days now, allowing the tangy essence of mesquite to penetrate every house, valley, hill and forest in the area,” the premier said. “The trick is to do it slow, to give the flavours a chance to develop.
Giant rectangle warning issued for all of Saskatchewan
REGINA (The News Desk) — Residents of Saskatchewan were put on high alert today after Environment Canada placed the entire province under a “giant rectangle” warning. “It has come to our attention that the entire province of Saskatchewan, if you ignore the natural curvature of the earth, is a perfect rectangle,” announced Dave Phillips, a senior climatologist with Environment Canada. “A really, really big rectangle.
Shad to run CBC by himself
TORONTO (The News Desk) — Canadian rapper and CBC host Shad will wear a few more hats in the coming months, following the CBC’s announcement on Wednesday that most of the company’s operations would be offloaded onto the 32-year-old. The move comes just one day after the firing of Evan Solomon, host of CBC’s popular Power & Politics program, after a Toronto Star investigation uncovered that Solomon had secretly brokered art deals with wealthy Canadians.
Library lets students pet Ira Glass to help de-stress during exams
VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — The University of British Columbia library announced today that for the next few weeks, students will be able to make an appointment with Ira Glass to help de-stress during exams. Students are permitted to book up to 20 minutes with the This American Life host in one of the library’s study rooms. The first group of students to play with Glass said the experience was positive and helpful.
Vancouver ranked the most city in the world
VANCOUVER (The News Desk) — Vancouver has been ranked the most city in the world, according to a ranking of 230 cities released by a Brussels think tank last week. The report evaluated cities based on 27 different factors, resulting in an index score out of 100. “Vancouver is one of the world’s most cities for numerous reasons, mainly owing to the fact that it received the highest score. No city outperformed Vancouver.
A humour magazine from Canada
Organization: Internet Archive The Internet Archive discovers and captures web pages through many different web crawls. At any given time several distinct crawls are running, some for months, and some every day or longer. View the web archive through the Wayback Machine. Wide17 was seeded with the "Total Domains" list of 256,796,456 URLs provided by Domains Index on June 26th, and crawled with max-hops set to "3" and de-duplication set "on".
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