Zachary Wolf

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — The entire population of nearby Mesa Springs was killed after a roundabout was installed in their town, unsurprised sources report. “I’ve heard of five, ten, twenty people that died in a traffic circle, but never an entire town,” said KOAA News reporter Russ Turnbull while talking into a microphone that wasn’t plugged in. “Mesa Springs was largely a retirement community, and we all know how hard it is for boomers to adapt to new practices and traffic laws.

AUSTIN, Texas — Guitarist Greg Ginn of Black Flag recently treated the rest of the band to a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese after a successful rehearsal where he introduced the new members to much of the band’s catalog, according to sources who thought they were his kids. “Those little angels finished their homework by learning the entire Black Flag catalog,” said Ginn while wistfully looking at a picture of them all together.

HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its disappointed owner Kevin Willrick. “Sure, it’s cool having a skateboarding dog, but why does he have to be such a poser?” said Willrick while browsing the animal shelter’s website for a different dog to adopt. “It’s always been my dream to be one of those guys who owns a dog that shreds, but there is no world that I ever imagined it’d push mongo.