Jake Mattera

I write this in the hopes that it stops someone out there from making a grave mistake. A mistake I almost made. I, like many of you reading, was born an abomination. I can only assume my story isn’t dissimilar from the ones you’ve heard many times. It all started when this mad scientist thought he was on the brink of a world-changing discovery. I think he was trying to end world thirst because ending world hunger was getting too much attention in those days. I don’t exactly remember.

Dear Warden, I hope that this letter finds you well. By the time you read this, you will have been informed that I was cut out of the sewer pipes while trying to escape. I intended to flee, but did not expect to crawl through what appears to be two and a half football fields worth of human shit. It was embarrassing to get so far in and even more embarrassing to get cut out.

One minute, I have a head full of hair. The next, I have a strong jaw line and an uncanny ability to deliver unforgettable acting performances imbued with sparkle and elan. No sooner had I removed the remaining strands of hair above my ear with my electric razor, than I developed both an impeccable sense of style and an affinity for infinity scarves. How these stylish Warby Parker eyeglasses instantly appeared on my face, I couldn’t tell you.