Jen Simon
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Articles by Jen Simon
The Art Of Letting Go: 9 Kind Ways To Break Up With Someone Without Being Awful About It
Most of the time, we're so consumed by how to snag, keep, or please him that we never learn one of the most important aspects of dating: how to break up with a guy, as well as how to get over a breakup, in general. Ever heard the phrase "write what you know"? Well, I don't know how to make relationships work. I don't know how to maintain love after all these years or how to take a bad relationship and turn it into a good one. What I do know is how to break up with a guy.
9 Simple Ways To Break Up With Him Without Being Totally Awful About It
Most of the time we're so consumed by how to snag, keep, or please him that we never learn one of the most important aspects of dating: how to break up with a guy, as well as how to get over a breakup, in general. Ever heard the phrase "write what you know"? Well, I don't know how to make relationships work. I don't know how to maintain love after all these years or how to take a bad relationship and turn it into a good one. What I do know is how to break up with a guy.
Why I Shared My Post-Baby Bikini Photo On Facebook
The last time I posted a picture of myself in a bikini online was to MySpace, which is enough to let you know that I am "An Old." In that picture, I was single and in my 20s, having fun with friends at a rooftop party in Brooklyn. I'm no longer single (or even close to being in my 20s) and my idea of fun is of the family variety. And Brooklyn? Nope. RELATED: The Beautiful Reason This Mom's C-Section Scar Went Viral I left it for the 'burbs about a year ago. I'm now a married, 38-year-old mom of two.
My Baby Answered My Vibrator
Everyone knows that nightstand drawers are sacrosanct. They’re for your unmentionables. I don’t mean panties; I mean things you need next to the bed for a reason. Ok, fine: they’re for sex stuff. Nightstand drawers are for condoms, lube, handcuffs, clothespins, or whatever else the ladies are inspired to purchase in the era of Fifty Shades of Grey. (I haven’t read it – am I missing something? Jumper cables, maybe?) Anyway, those drawers are also home to many a woman’s best friend: her vibrator.
A fun use case of graph algorithms, simply explained
Hex is an abstract strategy game of the positioning class, per the International Abstract Games Organisation's taxonomy. Games of this class involve the positioning of game pieces on a board where winning positions of pieces on absolute cells are relative. Like other such games (*Star, TwixT, PÜNCT), Hex has simple rules. However, any Hex player will attest to the game's deceitful simplicity: while easy to play, Hex is exceedingly difficult to play w ell.
The Crazy Idea That Got Us Out Of Our 2-Year Sexless Marriage Rut
My biggest fear about getting married was that my husband and I would become a couple in one of those couples — a couple in a sexless marriage. A Ricky and Lucy separate beds couple, or — gasp — even a separate room couple. How do people become those couples, I wondered? After all, when I got married, I liked having sex. It was enjoyable and fun; it made me feel good.
I'm Married. I'm A Mom. I'm Also Bisexual.
Once upon a time, I was a sexual being. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes like a million years ago but there was a point in my life before I was married and before I was a mother that I was just me, a person. And that person was bisexual. I dated mostly men, but there was the occasional woman thrown into the mix. I wasn’t in the middle of Kinsey’s infamous scale, but since I was attracted to both men and women, I identified as bisexual.
Keep your ugly sweaters - Hanukkah isn't Christmas and doesn't need to be
Hanukkah is not a Jewish Christmas. It never was and shouldn't be treated like it is. So pay attention retailers: knock it off. Stop trying to sell us dumb products. Christmas is its own billion-dollar industry. Nothing can compete with the behemoth that is Christmas. And that's OK! However, within the last two decades, retailers have realized they had been ignoring a similar, yet untapped market: Jewish holidays, Hanukkah specifically.
Nonsensical Hanukkah items corporations wanted Jews to buy this year
Recently my friend sent me a link to an inappropriate pillow on the Bed Bath & Beyond website. No, it wasn’t sexual, but it was wrong. Available for sale is a pillow with a menorah, the phrase “Happy Hanukkah” as well as the phrase “Why is this night different from all other nights?” If you don’t know, “Why is this night different from all other nights” is part of a prayer traditionally said during a Passover Seder — a spring holiday that has nothing to do with Hanukkah.
If women are pushed out of work force, who’s left to do the work?
Childcare has exploded into the national conversation for all the reasons that it has been part of the local conversation for years: There simply isn’t enough quality, affordable care to support our working families. Childcare is also a flashpoint because it brings all of our assumptions and expectations around gender and families into conversation (and sometimes conflict) with our economic realities. Few families can afford for mothers not to work.
Wyoming lawmakers can do more to protect mothers and their babies
Pregnancy is dangerous for women. Even in 2021, even in the United States, even in Wyoming. The U.S. ranks last among industrialized countries for maternal mortality, and Wyoming ranks 10th in the nation for maternal mortality and morbidity. Maternal mortality and morbidity rates still break sharply along the fault lines of race and geography. Black, Hispanic, and indigenous women — and pregnant women in rural areas — have markedly higher rates of maternal mortality and morbidity.
Tell legislators to expand Medicaid, make wages transparent
Elected officials make decisions for us every day. The decisions elected officials make every day “on our behalf” tell us exactly how much — or how little — those in power think of the rest of us. In the 66th Wyoming Legislature there were three bills exploring Medicaid expansion — which would offer health care to low-income adults — and nine bills targeting women’s reproductive health.
Our dismal minimum wage disproportionately hurts women
In Wyoming, there are two problems related to minimum wage. The first is the minimum wage itself. Wyoming’s minimum wage is just $5.15 per hour. The federal minimum wage is stuck at $7.25 per hour — a rate that hasn’t been increased since 2009. The American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations points out that, had the federal minimum wage kept pace with workers’ productivity since 1968, the inflation-adjusted minimum wage would be $24 an hour.
It’s time to value and empower the women who run Wyo’s nonprofits
Gov. Mark Gordon in late December announced the Community Charitable Relief Program. The program “provides grant funding to nonprofit organizations that have provided public assistance or seen a decline in donations during the COVID-19 pandemic,” according to the governor’s office.
Why I Shared My Post-Baby Bikini Photo On Facebook
The last time I posted a picture of myself in a bikini online was to MySpace, which is enough to let you know that I am "An Old." In that picture, I was single and in my 20s, having fun with friends at a rooftop party in Brooklyn. I'm no longer single (or even close to being in my 20s) and my idea of fun is of the family variety. And Brooklyn? Nope. I left it for the 'burbs about a year ago. I'm now a married, 38-year-old mom of two.
Senator’s comments expose problem of female underrepresentation
The Wyoming Council for Women’s Issues — established in 1965 by Gov. Clifford Hansen — is a 14-member council with representation from each of the state’s nine judicial districts, four at-large members and the chief executive officer of the Wyoming Business Council. The governor appoints council members. The council receives its funding from the Legislature. Its members are volunteers. Its work is public.
I'm Married. I'm a Mom. Does That Mean I'm Not Bisexual Anymore?
Once upon a time, I was a sexual being. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes like a million years ago but there was a point in my life before I was married and before I was a mother that I was just me, a person. And that person was bisexual. I dated mostly men, but there was the occasional woman thrown into the mix. I wasn’t in the middle of Kinsey’s infamous scale, but since I was attracted to both men and women, I identified as bisexual. I liked dating. I liked making out with people.
Dressing the Dead
(Courtesy of Sarah Ahrens) I made a confession to my British mother-in-law: “I don’t think I’ll be able to call you ‘Mum’ because I’m so used to saying ‘Mom’ instead.” “Would it be alright to call you Mom?” I asked her, soon after I was married. Words have the power to make things true. I wanted to call her “Mom” to bring us closer, to loosen the triad of father-mother-son that had such a hard time flexing to include me.
'Was She Sick?'
My mouth cannot contain the horror. The words spill out to everyone I see. “I recently lost my sister,” I say. To my son’s teacher. To another mom at the playground. To the woman in front of me in line at CVS. Nearly every conversation unfolds the same way: “I’m so sorry,” they reply, “was she sick?” “Yes,” I say without hesitation. My sister died three days before she would have turned 39; she will be 38 forever. And 38-year-olds are not supposed to die.
On guns, religion and gender
All monotheistic (and some polytheistic) religions have an admonishment about worshipping false idols. I cannot help but think of that right now. Because, as a nation, our unwillingness to confront unchecked gun violence and put our children before our guns makes me think that we must be worshipping false idols. There are numerous religious leaders who have, rightly, taken up the call to lay down our arms and treat gun violence like the national health epidemic that it is.
To a deeply depressed mother, suicide isn't selfish: Kate Spade probably thought she was relieving her loved ones of a burden
Depression is the all-consuming fear that things, emotions, circumstances, life itself — is static. You are certain that you will always be bullied. You will never get a job. Your money troubles will never end. You will never have the energy to face the world. You will always be in pain. Your child will never sleep. Your fights with your husband will never stop. You will always be an alcoholic. You will never be understood. You cannot get help. Depression is the belief that nothing can or will ever change.
What Moms Want And Don’t Want For Valentine’s Day
Ask any woman what the most romantic day of the year is and she’ll tell you it’s Valentine’s Day. As soon as Christmas is over and the Santas and reindeers are put away, out come the Cupids and hearts. Women are not just taught to desire romance, but that we deserve it. We deserve the perfect man to give us the perfect day of love. And how can men show us their love? Gifts. And not just any gifts – the right gifts.
I’m Jewish - Wish Me a Merry Christmas Anyway, Dammit
Every year, conservatives declare there’s a war on Christmas if a manger is barred from a federal building or if there is no Christmas tree in their kid’s school. The outrage is even often focused on the Starbuck’s audacity to celebrate the holiday by printing offensive cups – this time depicting a lesbian couple. The horror. This year, conservatives are gleefully declaring that in Trump’s America, they’ll overcome this unfair, overly politically correct discrimination. There is no war on Christmas.
Memo To Whole Foods: Jews Don’t Eat Cake On Yom Kippur
Rachel Roth If you don’t see anything wrong with this cake my friend found at a Whole Foods in Rockville, Maryland, I’ll let you in on a secret: Jewish people observe Yom Kippur by fasting. As in, not eating. So, no cake. Not even if it’s been decorated with every well-known symbol of the Jewish religion including Jewish stars, a honey pot, a bee, pomegranates, an apple, a menorah and, strangely, a fish.
PSA, Whole Foods: On Yom Kippur, Jews Don’t Eat Cake
If you don’t see anything wrong with this cake my friend found at a Whole Foods in Rockville, Maryland, I’ll let you in on a secret: Jewish people observe, Yom Kippur by fasting. As in, not eating. So, no cake. Not even if it’s been decorated with every well-known symbol of the Jewish religion including Jewish stars, a honey pot, a bee, pomegranates, an apple, a menorah and, strangely, a fish.
Do you think your friend has a drug problem? 7 ways you can help
According to jokes, memes, Facebook pages — even dish towels, moms are known for their love of yoga pants, coffee and wine. But how do you know if a friend’s use of wine or Xanax or Vicodin transcends a want and becomes a need? How can you tell when your friend is struggling with addiction? And, if you think she has a problem, how can you help her? I know how my friends could have helped me. Why? Because I’m a recovering addict. No one knew about my addiction.
Moms Are Becoming Addicted to Opioids After C-Sections - But a New Drug May Be the Answer
Editor’s note: This post is not intended as medical advice. Always consult a medical professional or physician before treatment of any kind. On the way home from the hospital after my second C-section, my husband, newborn, and I stopped at the pharmacy to drop off the prescription my doctor had given to me. It was for 60 Percocet. As a person who was experiencing minimal recovery pain, I knew the number was extreme. But as an opioid addict, I was elated.
‘I was a mom addicted to pills’: What happened after she shared her secret
One year ago, I exposed my biggest secret to my friends, family and the world: I was a mom who was addicted to pills. For five years, I doctor-shopped and stole pills to support my addiction to opioids (like Percocet) and benzodiazepines (like Xanax). In an essay, published by the Washington Post last June, I admitted that I didn’t know how to function without pills; worse, I didn’t know how to parent without them.
How "Girls" Depicts Addiction Is Problematic
In this, the sixth and final season of Girls, we learn Marnie’s quasi-estranged husband Desi, with whom she shares a volatile personal and professional relationship, is an addict. In fact, he had been taking up to 20 pills a day of OxyContin, a potent opioid comprised of the same make-up of heroin.
I Didn't Realize I Had Postpartum Depression - Signs of Postpartum Depression
Within a few months after the birth of my son, I knew I was in a bad place. I realized I didn't feel the way my friends did or the way mothers were portrayed in TV shows and the movies — I didn't feel the way I was supposed to feel as a new mother. Instead of being overwhelmed by love, I was overwhelmed by unhappiness and anxiety. Feelings of helplessness and sadness consumed me.
What I want my white sons to know about this election
Share Tweet Pin Share Tumble Combined comments & shares on social media My sons, Many of us expected to see Hillary Clinton’s win as a new beginning for this country. We thought it would usher in an era when sexism was deemed unacceptable. When the idea of equality between the sexes was championed. By rejecting Trump, we would also reject what he represents: bigotry, racism, misogyny, Islamophobia, xenophobia and hatred of the “other.” That did not happen. Hillary Clinton lost. Donald Trump won.
I Recognize Trump's Magnetism—From A Cult Meeting - The Establishment
It was the debates that finally showed me why Trump not only had supporters but followers—devotees, even. Until the debates, I had never watched more than snippets of Trump’s speeches. I’ve been a liberal all my life, a feminist before I knew the meaning of the word, and I wondered how he could possibly fool anyone. And then I watched him, pacing and passionate, talking loudly and forcefully. He was so obviously convinced of his veracity that I wanted to believe him.
My Favorite Time of the Day Is When I’m Not with My Kids
Ever since I had children, my favorite time of the day has been when I am without them. It’s not that I don’t love, cherish, and appreciate them. I absolutely do. But as a stay-at-home mom, I don’t “get” to be with my children — I have to. I used to love the calm of the house when I put my toddler down for his first nap. After the frantic rush to get my husband out the door and my older son to school, I had an hour or so to collect my thoughts and plan for the day.
What It's Like To Expose Your Biggest Secret To The World - And Watch It Go Viral
How would you feel if the whole world knew your biggest secret? Your friends? Your parents’ friends? The parents of your children’s friends? Your neighbors, high school teachers, boss, babysitter, favorite barista — anyone you’ve ever met or ever will? I shared my biggest secret with a national paper and it’s gone viral — there’s no hiding now. I admitted to being an opioid addict in The Washington Post.
I Was a Secret Drug Addict
Until recently, I had been keeping a secret for several years: I was a stay-at-home mom and an addict. Two weeks ago, I wrote a viral Washington Post essay about how I parent my children while addicted to painkillers (like Percocet) and benzodiazepines (like Xanax). I was terrified to expose myself, fearing people would chastise me, berate me and call me a bad mother. While a few people online have done just that, the response has been overwhelmingly positive.
I Told the World About My Opioid Addiction
How would you feel if the whole world knew your biggest secret? Your friends? Your parents’ friends? The parents of your children’s friends? Your neighbors, high school teachers, boss, babysitter, favorite barista — anyone you’ve ever met or ever will? I shared my biggest secret with a national paper and it’s gone viral — there’s no hiding now. I admitted to being an opioid addict in The Washington Post.
I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm an addict
Washington - Since his death, there have been countless articles speculating why a man as rich and famous as Prince would “allow” himself to become addicted to painkillers. But no one plans on becoming an addict. I know this because I, an educated stay-at-home mom, am an addict. Like Prince and the millions of Americans who take prescription painkillers every year, I began taking them for their intended purpose: I was in pain. When I became pregnant at 31, I knew my body would change irrevocably.
I’m a stay-at-home mom. I’m an addict.
When I became pregnant at 31, I knew my body would change irrevocably. I thought my red curls might go straight or my green eyes might reject contacts. I thought my feet might grow. I wasn’t prepared for my body chemistry to change. After my first son was born, certain foods tasted strange. I became allergic to alcohol. Muscle relaxants, which had previously helped my intense period cramps, no longer worked. My whole body felt different. Off. Wrong.
5 Places I Barely Cleaned, Until I Became a Mom
Parenthood has taught me many lessons — one of them is that a whole array of things need to be cleaned that I didn’t know about. I had previously overlooked the nooks and crannies, the “elbows” of my house and car if you will. But now, I realize they’re gummy, gross, germ factories. Did you know that gas stations have industrial strength vacuum cleaners designed for you to vacuum your car? I didn’t. Not until I had kids, that is.
I Entered My Son In A Beauty Pageant. Turns Out They're Just As Bad For Boys As They Are For Girls.
I’ve always been intrigued by the drama of pageants. They are a microcosm of how women are treated in society. Stripped of any form of “political correctness,” they offer a glimpse at how girls are expected to perform the artifice of femininity. Girls pay an exorbitant amount of money just to be oversexualized, objectified, and judged. And boys? They win just by showing up. JonBenet Ramsey’s murder 20 years ago propelled the world of children’s beauty pageants into Americans’ consciousness.
7 Inventions All Parents Need
The world of child-rearing is filled with an enormous array of inventions — some necessary and some not, but many ridiculous. Who knew a plastic tube that sucks snot out of a baby’s nose would be the key to eliminating snoring? A string that attaches to both a pacifier and a baby’s shirt to keep the pacifier from dropping to the floor every 2 minutes? Brilliant. An actual product named “Butt paste?” Essential. But parents need more than just real products to help them through their day.
20 #MomProblems You’ve Probably Had
Image Source: Jen SimonSometimes annoying things happen that no one other than a fellow parent will understand. Sure, it’s not dire; the world isn’t ending, but it slows down your day. It makes things harder. These are #momproblems, my friends, and here are a few I think you’ll recognize: Your son refuses to eat his favorite food because the package was redesigned, even though it tastes exactly the same.
26 Reasons I've Cried Since Having a Baby Scary Mommy
I didn’t always buy into the clichés about women being emotional roller coasters due to pregnancy or postpartum hormones. After all, I was still myself during my pregnancies, albeit with a shorter temper and a fuzzier memory. Really, I thought the stereotype was one more way for people to joke about a woman’s mental state without exploring the real reason for her hurt feelings or emotional outburst. A pregnant woman’s PMS, if you will.
Push Presents Are Crass and Unnecessary
Push presents: a cute, fun way to celebrate having a baby, right? Nope. In my opinion, they're rude. They're tacky. And they infantilize women. No one owed me anything for having a baby. I was lucky enough to get pregnant twice and carry to term both times. My babies were my presents.
I've Never Enjoyed Sex, and I'm OK With That
Sex has always been painful for me. It's not that I don't like having sex (I do, for a short time), but the truth is that after a few minutes, sex goes from not enjoyable to flat-out painful. I've always known this about myself. It's a hard thing to miss. After chalking up the first few times to being a virgin and then a newbie, it soon became clear that a trend was emerging. I knew having sex wasn't painful for everyone. I'd read or hear about marathon sessions, so some women had to enjoy it, right?
Why I Post Pictures of My Son Wearing Dresses on Facebook
After Target stopped dividing its toy aisles by gender, Disney followed suit, announcing that it would no longer label costumes (including princess dresses) for girls or for boys. I hope this practice makes parents more comfortable buying non-gender-conforming items for their children. But my 5-year-old son didn’t care about labels or marketing when I bought him an Elsa dress last year. As is mandatory for children in the post-2013 world, Noah loves Frozen. First, he was hooked by the songs.
Stop Asking Me if I'm Going to Try For a Girl
I have two sons. Two happy, healthy, bright, beautiful sons. And nearly every day someone asks me if I’m going to try for a girl. It is such a rude, wrong, offensive, presumptuous and mean question. So, stop it. Seriously, when did this become a thing? When did people decide they could just ask strangers if they were satisfied with their children? When my second son was three weeks old, we took him and my older son to a restaurant.
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