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Articles by John Amodeo Ph.D.
Good Communication Begins Before We Open Our Mouths
Good communication starts by noticing what we're feeling before we speak. Defensive reactions can hide more vulnerable feelings, such as hurt, loneliness, or fear. Pausing and sensing into the body can help us speak from our feelings rather than blame. Listening to how our words land helps build trust, understanding, and connection. Source: Pexels image by Antoni Shkraba Much has been written about the importance of good communication. But one essential ingredient is often overlooked.
Good Communication Begins Before We Open Our Mouths
The Importance of Forgiveness Take our Empathy Test Find a therapist near me Good communication starts by noticing what we're feeling before we speak. Defensive reactions can hide more vulnerable feelings, such as hurt, loneliness, or fear. Pausing and sensing into the body can help us speak from our feelings rather than blame. Listening to how our words land helps build trust, understanding, and connection. Much has been written about the importance of good communication.
The Limits of Communication Skills
Good communication begins with becoming aware of what we're actually feeling inside. Pausing helps us move beyond knee-jerk reactions and connect with more vulnerable feelings. Sharing vulnerable feelings rather than blame can reduce defensiveness and deepen connection. Source: pratsblog / Pixabay As a psychotherapist for four decades, I’ve participated in my fair share of communication skills trainings—and I’ve learned a great deal from them. But I’ve noticed something vital that is often missing.
When Levity Heals Rather Than Hurts
Healthy humor can soften shame and help us hold our imperfections with greater kindness. Humor can deepen connection when it creates ease rather than distance or defensiveness. Sarcasm often wounds, while playful humor can foster trust, repair, and connection. Learning to smile at our humanity can reduce self-criticism and increase resilience. Source: Pexels image by Thurman Growing up in New York, I understand how humor can be hurtful. Sarcastic barbs that diminish a person are not humorous at all.
The Gentle Power of Embracing Our Feelings
Avoiding difficult feelings can disconnect us from ourselves, others, and life itself. Healing begins when we meet fear, shame, and sadness with mindful, gentle presence. Turning toward difficult emotions can deepen connection, resilience, and inner peace. Source: Tiffany Christie Freeman/Pexels We naturally gravitate toward pleasant experiences and turn away from unpleasant ones.
Blame vs. Responsibility
Blame triggers shame and defensiveness, blocking connection and meaningful repair. Responsibility invites openness, accountability, and trust to grow between people. Self-kindness reduces defensiveness, making it easier to own our impact. Small moments of ownership can quickly de-escalate conflict and restore connection. Source: Pexels image by Alex Green Did you grow up being blamed for things that weren’t your fault?
Why Respect Matters More Than We Realize
Respect means honoring your partner’s boundaries, even when their needs differ from your own. Disrespect often shows up as dismissing feelings, shaming, or pushing past a partner’s limits. Love thrives when both partners feel valued, heard, and free to express their true preferences. Source: sweetlouise/Pexels Couples who meet in my office are often quick to declare their love for each other. Yet just as often, one or both partners don’t feel the love that’s being professed.
Why 'It Is What It Is' Can Feel So Dismissive
Source: PublicDomainPictures / Pixabay I say: “My son hasn’t spoken to me for a long time.” The response I get is: “It is what it is." I say: “I’m anxious about my blood test results.” The response I get is: “It is what it is.” I say: “Some part of me regrets never having had children.” The response I get is: “It is what it is.” I say: “My cat has kidney disease, and the vet says it’s time to let her go.
3 Questions That Can Refine How You Speak-and Are Heard
Truth combined with kindness creates emotional safety and trust. Mindful speech helps love and respect take root. Speaking from tenderness rather than from blame builds deeper connection. Pausing before speaking can transform conflict into understanding. Source: VietFotos/Pixabay Relationships falter for many reasons—breaches of trust, glaring incompatibilities, or structural fissures, such as when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t.
Love Is the Easy Part, Feeling Understood Is Harder
Source: Pexels image by Kushan Perera The couples who come into my office often have one experience in common. Despite heartfelt declarations of love, one or both partners do not feel seen or understood. Lazy Love Hearing “I love you” may soothe us in the moment, but it’s often the easy part of a relationship. Love is a blessing and a beautiful beginning, but that’s when the deeper work starts. A common romantic view is that love alone will carry us through every rough patch.
The Power of Maybe
Source: Flickr image by Visionello “Maybe is the beginning of all journeys.” — Anonymous We’ve often been told we need to be confident, strong, and bold in our decisions—to say “yes” or “no” quickly and decisively. But what if we’re not sure? Perhaps a “protector part” inside us shouts, “Be decisive; don’t appear weak.” But when a friend asks us for a favor, or our partner suggests a dinner party or trip to the in-laws, we don’t have to decide on the spot.
Who’s Living Your Life?
Listening to your inner voice is the first step toward living an authentic, connected life. Autonomy and intimacy need to be balanced for deep, meaningful connection. Our freedom to make choices and listen to ourselves is empowering, but it can also be scary. Source: Photo by John Amodeo During my 45 years as a psychotherapist, I’ve often seen people who lament the choices they’ve made in life. They’ve been strongly influenced, if not manipulated, by people who think they know what’s best for them.
Trusting the Quiet Voice Within
Source: Google image by Pick-Pik How often have we heard that we need to trust ourselves? Yet doing so is easier said than done. What does it truly take to trust ourselves—and what gets in the way? Our feelings are how life speaks to us—and how we’re guided to engage with life. Trusting ourselves means listening deeply to ourselves, validating our felt experience of life. Why It’s So Hard We can discover some clues about why it’s hard to trust ourselves if we explore our early childhood.
Shame: The Taboo Emotion We Need to Befriend
Source: Flickr image by Montecruz Foto Human emotions can be hard to sit with—especially the ones that make us feel small, flawed, or afraid. Yet one emotion often lurks in the shadows more than any other: shame. Shame is that sinking feeling in your gut when you’ve made a mistake, said something awkward, or imagine you’ll be laughed at for being authentic. It’s tied to the painful belief that you’re fundamentally flawed, defective, or unworthy.
Do You Wonder Why You Don’t Have More Friends?
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” —Eleanor Roosevelt Source: Cottonbro Studio/Pexels I often hear clients and friends lament that people just don’t seem to like them. It can be disheartening—even devastating—to offer your best self and still feel misunderstood, unseen, or left out. It might leave you questioning your worth or wondering if you’re not meant for meaningful relationships.
What It Really Means to Be Committed
“A relationship is like a garden. If you do not tend it, weeds will take over.” —Unknown What do you feel inside when you hear the word “commitment?” For some, it evokes a longing for safety and security in a relationship. For others, it stirs anxiety, or even fear. While some people crave commitment, others run in the opposite direction. But what does commitment really mean? What exactly are we committing ourselves to? And can we relate to it in a way that is life-affirming rather than constraining?
4 Potent Keys to Build Deeper Connection
Embrace vulnerability and acknowledge your need for love to build deeper connections. True intimacy starts with being honest with ourselves about our feelings and needs. Cultivate self-acceptance and courage to reveal your authentic self to others. Source: C. Valdez/Unsplash Human beings don’t thrive in isolation. We flourish when we recognize our interconnectedness with others. Today, loneliness is an epidemic in our society today. Our health and well-being suffer when we lack close, intimate bonds.
Awakening to Our Interconnectedness
Source: By Pexels on Pixabay I don't think it’s too controversial to say that America is reeling from an ongoing, destabilizing divisiveness. Unfortunately, many of us cling to the pursuit of our private happiness with little regard for the collective well-being. Embracing Our Interconnectedness The timeless wisdom traditions encourage us to love one another.
How Not Interrupting Can Actually Harm Your Relationship
In my therapy practice, I often hear couples say, “Don't interrupt me. It’s my turn to talk.” Feeling shamed, the person may back off sheepishly, but are they still listening? I know, I know, interrupting is what you’ve been taught not to do. Most people hate to be interrupted. And there are good reasons for that. But here’s how to do it so it helps. Interrupting with skillful sensitivity and kindness can improve your relationship by deepening engagement and connection.
4 Tips for Talking So People Will Listen
We may criticize others for not hearing us, not realizing that there are things we can do to get heard. People's attention spans have been dwindling, which makes it challenging to be attentive. Pausing and giving our listener time to absorb what we're saying increases engagement. Source: Pexels photo by Anete Lusina In a previous article, I explored the importance of listening to create connection.
3 Keys to a More Potent Intimacy
Source: Pexels image by Moisés Solórzano Do you want relationships of depth and substance? Who doesn’t, right? Why is it so hard to create the fulfilling intimate relationships we desire? And I’m not just talking about sex, but about emotional intimacy, which is harder to create and sustain, but which creates a foundation for sexual connection. Here are three practices to create relationships that feel safe, intimate, and satisfying.
3 Qualities That Really Make Us Beautiful
Source: photo by John Amodeo We love hearing that we’re beautiful. Much time, energy, and anxiety revolve around our efforts to appear beautiful to others. What drives this relentless desire? Society conditions us to believe that being physically gorgeous is the key to being accepted, loved, and happy. Who doesn't want that? But our quest for beauty is often driven by an outdated operating system. Many of us have been wounded by being shamed and humiliated for our looks.
The Problem With Striving for Fun Rather Than Abiding in Joy
Source: photo by John Amodeo Have you had any fun lately? How do you feel when people ask you this question? I suspect it's not so good. You might think your life is boring or lacking for not having the kind of fun you imagine everyone else is having. There's nothing wrong with you if you can't respond with a resounding "Yes, I'm having fun." You might even find the question a bit obnoxious. Personally, I'm not a fun-seeker. I'm angling for something more fulfilling.
Unwinding From Worry
Worrying is part of being human. Ending the unproductive cycle of worrying begins by not being self-critical about worrying. Bringing our attention into our body is a helpful way to break the cycle of worrying. Source: Ekaterina Bolovtsova/Pexels There’s lots to worry about these days—probably always has been. Gruesome wars, school shootings, global warming. On a personal level, perhaps financial stress, health issues, or interpersonal angst.
What Do Clothes Have to Do With It?
Source: Wikimedia Commons image by PopTech When the Senate changed its dress code to accommodate Senator Fetterman’s fondness for less formal dress, I was thrilled. It got me thinking about our curious obsession with dress codes—and the kind of attire designated by the clothing gods who run bureaucracies. Unlike the animals with whom we share this planet, humans wear clothing. I’m a supporter of this human innovation.
Ideally, We Would Like the People We Love
Source: Jonathan Borba/Pexels Think about the people you love in your life, perhaps family members, a friend, or your partner. Now ask yourself: Do I also like this person? My previous post explored how loving and liking do not always mesh. You might love dearly your parents, a partner, a sibling, or a child, but do they also drive you crazy? Love implies connection, affection, and caring. You care enough about someone to want to increase their happiness.
4 Potent Ways to Deepen Love and Intimacy
Source: Sciencefreak/Pixabay Philosophers, psychologists, and spiritual traditions have long suggested what life is all about: to love and be loved. This is an attractive and compelling ideal, but how do we actualize our longing for love and intimacy? Here are four practices for building a foundation to love and be loved in a robust way, many of which are explored in my book, The Authentic Heart.
What It Really Means to Be Yourself
Source: photo by John Amodeo As much as we might like to think we’re authentic, we may find that we’re not always true to ourselves with others. The essence of being ourselves is being who we really are from moment to moment. Instead of being and showing our authentic self, we may have constructed ways of being to try to look good, please others, and avoid the pain of embarrassment or rejection. We fashion a self that’s not really us, which has often been called our false self.
What Really Makes Us Beautiful
Source: Pixabay image by Victoria_Watercolor “Great beauty, great strength, and great riches are really and truly of no great use; a right heart exceeds all.” —Benjamin Franklin Our society places a premium on physical beauty. Rules and preference for how we should look are everywhere, and they do a great disservice to us. According to one study, Americans spend an average of over $722 each year on their appearance. One in ten Americans have tried to look like a celebrity.
Ask the Right Questions
Ask the Right Questions To strengthen relationships, ask open-ended questions and avoid ones that imply negative assumptions about your partner.
A Sneaky Obstacle that Undermines Our Well-Being
Source: Pixabay image by Gerald We often hear how fear can hold us back from taking the risks necessary to love and be loved. But there's another human emotion that may be even more destructive to our relationships: shame. Shame is a complex and typically hidden emotion. We all experience it. But oftentimes we’re not aware of the secret ways it operates—and how it harms ourselves and constrains our relationships.
Why We Love Our Cats
There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Why We Love Cats
There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Do You Live in Your Head?
There are many temptations to organize our life around the experience of earlier trauma. But that may short-change the future—which starts by our envisioning something better.
Source: Pixabay image by Jerzy Gorecki Infidelity, deception, broken promises. Being human means facing the pain of betrayal. Our challenge is: how can we face this most difficult aspect of the human condition without succumbing to cynicism and despair? Whether a betrayal happened recently or years ago, we need to find a path toward healing. Here are some suggestions for moving forward in our lives after a life-changing betrayal.
4 Tips for Becoming a More Generous Listener
"God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we ought to listen twice as much as we speak." — Old Proverb A universal desire is to want to be heard. But how well do we listen? Listening well takes more work. It means extending our attention to others. Deep listening is the ultimate act of generosity. Source: Don Harder/Flickr Cultivating the art of listening can go a long way toward creating fulfilling relationships. Since everyone wants to be heard, your efforts are likely to be noticed and appreciated.
How to Create Deeper Relationships
Partners in strong relationships learn how to become attuned and responsive to each other's needs, and developing strong communication skills can help them express what they want.
Is Your Relationship Deteriorating?
Making Problems Worse? By Jeremy Shapiro Ph.D. Sometimes the attempted solutions are the problem. Build a Deeper Bond By John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT 4 relationship skills you didn't learn in school.
Are You Wondering How to Create Deeper Relationships?
Source: Lambhappiness/Pixabay Philosophers have told us that to love and be loved gives meaning to our lives. All the great spiritual traditions teach that love is the essence of spiritual life. Love is indeed a noble ideal, but how do we get there? Here are four practical skills for creating a foundation to love and be loved in a mature way. Many of these thoughts are expanded in my book, The Authentic Heart.
Psychology Today
Come Together By Sandra Matz Ph.D. Our motivation to create shared reality rips us apart but could also reunite us. The Value of Civility By Pamela B. Paresky Ph.D. Moral pollution, preference falsification, and the demise of civil society.
What Cats Can Teach Us About Love
Sheila Rubin with Tigger Two Source: Photo by Bret Lyon Friends of mine recently lost their adored cat due to kidney disease. Their heartbreak reminded me of my own sorrow after losing my own beloved cat many years ago. It made me wonder anew: What is it about cats that capture our hearts and hurl us into grief when we lose them?
The Gift of Self-Compassion
Feeling love and compassion for others can be difficult. But holding ourselves with love and compassion can be even more challenging. Why do we often treat ourselves in ways that we’d never treat others? And what would it take to bring more compassion to ourselves? Plato has famously said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” This wise perception also applies to ourselves. Each of us has faced betrayals, adversities, and losses — and sadly, more difficulties probably lie ahead.
How to Heal Our Loneliness
Many of us feel lonely, but we never get to the roots of why--and how we might feel more connected. Here are some common fears that may be keeping us isolated. If we cling to the belief that we should be perfect, we may not risk doing things that might expose our imperfections. We might think, “I should get out of the house more often or join a dating site,” but we don't want to risk of being disappointed. Our fear of failing keeps us isolated.
The Generosity of Listening
When we hear the word “generosity,” we may think about donating money and helping the needy. While these can be expressions of a generous heart, there is a more fundamental and soulful way that we can extend generosity in our everyday lives. And it doesn’t cost us any money. A deep human longing is to be seen, heard, and understood. The epidemic of loneliness and depression in our society can be traced in part to how we often don’t hear each other.
Why It's Ok to Seek Reassurance
Being human means needing reassurance sometimes. Even the most secure people have moments of self-doubt, insecurity, and feeling overwhelmed. Whether you need a little or lots of validation, this is nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us didn't receive reassurance growing up. We didn't get the memo that we have worth and value—and that we’re ok just as we are.
5 Tips Toward More Generous Listening
We all want to be heard, but how well do we listen? Cultivating the art of listening can go a long way toward creating deeper, more fulfilling relationships. Here are some ways to ratchet up your listening — and thereby deepening connections in your important relationships. If someone asked you if you care about your partner and friends, you would probably answer without hesitation, “Yes, of course.” But this raises the question, what does it really mean to care about someone?
The Power of Pausing Before Speaking
No doubt, you’ve wondered why communicating with a loved one isn’t easy. What we may overlook is how our emotional tone can poison the atmosphere for productive conversation. Practicing pausing before we speak can be a powerful way to create a friendlier climate for heart to heart communication. We’re wired with a longing for love and intimacy. Attachment Theory tells us that we don’t thrive when we’re not feeling a safe and deep connection. There is a lot at stake in our partnerships.
Finding Spiritual Depth in Our Relationships
According to Attachment Theory and neuroscience, we’re wired with a need for connection. Human beings don't thrive without safe and secure relationships. If we inquire more deeply into this longing, what is it really? Might it be synonymous with a spiritual longing that lies at the very heart of what it means to be human? The word “spirituality” may conjure up something otherworldly or transcendent.
Would You Like to Become More Interesting?
How often have you seen yourself as a boring, uninteresting person? Do you tend to feel self-conscious, overly shy, or awkward when interacting with people? The self-image of being uninteresting can deepen our isolation and loneliness, while contributing to low self-worth. What makes us interesting? Is it our net worth, our accomplishments, or impressing people with our jokes or stories? We might make efforts to create an image that some people find appealing.
Living with Regrets and How to Deal with Them
We all have them and struggle with them. To live fully is to have regrets; they are an unpleasant, though unavoidable part of the human condition. You may know people who proudly declare that they’ve lived boldly and have no regrets. Believing that we shouldn’t experience regrets places us in double jeopardy: we experience them and wonder what’s wrong with us for having them. If we have no regrets, then we either haven’t been paying attention or are living in denial. We all screw up sometimes.
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